Why does everyone always assume you want to get hooked up?

[glocke12]

So Im 43 and single, and rather enjoy being single. I do have an attractive casual girlfriend I can call when I want some companionship, but she is alot like me, she enjoys her privacy and being single. We probably see each other once every three weeks or so but talk often in between on the phone.

But for some reason whenever I am out with male friends they are always trying to hook me up. The problem with that is Im really not the type that goes in for casual sex, and I am also only attracted to/or interested in certain women.

This problem came up for me last night. I was at a bar checking out a band and enjoying my singleness, when I ran into a friend. We chatted a bit, and he went started chatting it up with others. After he went on his way the food I ordered arrived so I just sat and enjoyed my food and drinks, with the intention of leaving after I was done eating.

Shortly after I was done eating, my friend comes back with two women, and it was pretty obvious he was trying to pick the one up but she wouldnt go anywhere unless her friend was picked up, and it turns out I was the manbait for her. It was pretty uncomfortable on several levels. They were much older (probably in their 50's), and for lack of a better way of saying it both looked like they had very hard lives..

Fortunately for me her friend had drunk way too much and ended up puking and giving me an out....

If she hadnt gotten sick Im still really not sure how to I could have handled that.

 

[niuniu]

I was like that in my mid-20s. I was single for a number of years back then (bar a few one night affairs), and people started trying to hook me up with their dodgy single friends. When I declined people started wondering if I was turning gay. I just had no interest in a relationship or even sex really for a time..

I enjoy being alone, I'm not a vastly social person, and a lot of people find it hard to appreciate that as they feel lonely easily. I just don't feel lonely - I don't even know what 'lonely' feels like, unless it feels free to do what you want.

Those days are behind me now, as I've been living with my gf for over 2 yrs now, which I enjoy. But equally I'm also happy not doing the whole playing the field thing. I find dating circles tacky.

 

[glocke12]

Yeah man thats sort of how it is for me. Its not that Im not interested in sex, Im just not interested in sex with strangers, or people I havent connected with mentally or physically.

I also honestly dont really get lonely, it is somewhat of a foreign concept to me. Plus I have enough hobbies and other things to keep me busy that I seldom ever get bored or lonely.

I get the "oh, your single and dont date so your gay" thing pretty often, always have. But like this current woman I see, most of the girlfriends Ive had I never really brought around my friends. Theres a few reasons for that, one is that I really don't like hanging out with other males unless we are doing some activity, and even than I dont really like hanging out with other males, another is that when Im with a woman I generally like to give her my full, undivided attention.

 

[costabunny]

I can totally empathise with you here. I am 36 and have been single for 8yrs now. My friends are always introducing me to guys. It gets old as I am actually happy being single (no stress, no responsibility and no baggage).

Same as when I am working (cab driver) - guys hit on me every night which is flattering at some level, but what is the deal about single folks? - why do so many people think we obviously need to be helped?

I am not saying I will be single forever; just that I have yet to meet a guy that sweeps me off my feet (well there was one whom I would have loved to be with, but he never showed more than just friends back and thus I never pushed it - my old flatmate).

I think my reasoning is that I need a guy to be rather strong willed to 'handle' me (I am stubborn to the end, and consider myself to be of high intelligence so any guy not as strong would be easily walked over by me and I would hate that).

There is nothing wrong in being single. (maybe its the others showing their own insecurity in relationships that push them to set us up?)

 

[nobunaga209]

Completely understand where you're coming from; however I wonder if your opinion would've been swayed if your buddy told you in advance what his intentions were? Realistically all the guy needed was a wing man; even if you were 'expected' to do the needful with the friend you have free will and can always politely say no.

I dunno bro, I've taken one for the team per se on numerous occasions but never necessarily go full throttle/wheels off. Simply walking a bar hag to her car or cab is plenty enough to fulfill your wing man duties IMO.

 

[niuniu]

Completely understand where you're coming from; however I wonder if your opinion would've been swayed if your buddy told you in advance what his intentions were? Realistically all the guy needed was a wing man; even if you were 'expected' to do the needful with the friend you have free will and can always politely say no.

I dunno bro, I've taken one for the team per se on numerous occasions but never necessarily go full throttle/wheels off. Simply walking a bar hag to her car or cab is plenty enough to fulfill your wing man duties IMO.

Prime example of dating scene tackiness ^^

 

[bobr1952]

I was married a long time ago back in my early 20s and it was fine--the marriage lasted about 5 years. I don't get lonely either and am happy with myself and being single and just don't want a serious romantic relationship at this point in my life. I have not had to deal with match-maker friends too much and the times that I have, they have been forthright with their intentions and have asked if I was interested and I have politely declined. Everyone is different and although most match-maker's intentions may be well intended, they should not assume what is right for them will be right for everyone.

 

[nobunaga209]

Prime example of dating scene tackiness ^^

Different strokes for different folks. Call it what you will but its the reality of those that live that lifestyle. Most people have no issue doing the needful for a buddy.

 

[glocke12]

Different strokes for different folks. Call it what you will but its the reality of those that live that lifestyle. Most people have no issue doing the needful for a buddy.

Yet there are those like me that do...Part of it is that I really dont like the pickup/dating scene whatever you want to call it, its just not the environment for me when it comes to picking people up...Remember I was there just to eat some food and check out a band...The other part is that I just dont have that kind of game...Im not a small talker. To put it simply, Im the type that would have an easier time meeting and picking someone up in a bookstore as opposed to a bar.

Im all about helping out friends when I can, but in some situations some people are just on their own...

 

[abijnk]

Different strokes for different folks. Call it what you will but its the reality of those that live that lifestyle. Most people have no issue doing the needful for a buddy.

Sure, maybe when you go to a bar/club with someone and intentions are known before hand. But really? Trying to get someone you just randomly ran into while you were out to help you get laid? At that point it is time to g-r-o-w-u-p.

 

[wvuwhat]

After a bad breakup with someone back in college, 2 years back now, I really haven't felt the need to get into a relationship.

Sure, I've had tons of opportunities to go home with girls at bars, but I refuse to after just meeting them with beer goggles on. I've only been with a few people since the bad breakup and my friends keep hounding me.

I'm 23, I guess I should be in my prime, but I'm not like these friends that keep ragging on me. They are big Type A personalities that have to something on their arm when they go out. I just don't understand it, I guess it's because I'm not nearly as social as they are and I actually like to be alone at times.

I'm at the point where I really don't want to be lonely, but I don't want to do the one night stand thing if I can avoid it. I don't know I guess I'm just wired differently.

 

[Abstract]

Sure, maybe when you go to a bar/club with someone and intentions are known before hand. But really? Trying to get someone you just randomly ran into while you were out to help you get laid? At that point it is time to g-r-o-w-u-p.

Sure, when you put it that way.

To be fair to the guys you're responding to, think about the situation. Two or more guys go out, and one of them sees a girl he finds attractive. That girl may find him attractive as well. However, she came with a friend, and she's not going to leave her friend alone while she chats with this guy. This is where the 'Wingman' comes in.

The term 'Wingman' makes this guy sound like a sleaze, but if you ignore the term entirely and just concentrate on what it actually is, it's just a friend who keeps the girl's friend company so she doesn't need to sit alone. Same goes for the male friend. Do you think HE wants to sit/stand there? For both of them, it's like waiting in a hospital for the test results to come back. Both parties know what the deal is: their friends need privacy. It's not just the guy who wants privacy. The girl who's being 'courted' may want it as well.

You can see this as a devious ploy so that the guy gets laid, but that's very one-sided. No girl is being tricked into having sex. Nobody is being taken advantage of. A Wingman wouldn't be needed if she came with 2-3 friends, or if men and women frequently went to bars alone. However, that's not reality.

Of course, It depends on how cynical you want to be.

 

[abijnk]

Sure, when you put it that way.

To be fair to the guys you're responding to, think about the situation. Two or more guys go out, and one of them sees a girl he finds attractive. That girl may find him attractive as well. However, she came with a friend, and she's not going to leave her friend alone while she chats with this guy. This is where the 'Wingman' comes in.

The term 'Wingman' makes this guy sound like a sleaze, but if you ignore the term entirely and just concentrate on what it actually is, it's just a friend who keeps the girl's friend company so she doesn't need to sit alone. Same goes for the male friend. Do you think HE wants to sit/stand there? For both of them, it's like waiting in a hospital for the test results to come back. Both parties know what the deal is: their friends need privacy. It's not just the guy who wants privacy. The girl who's being 'courted' may want it as well.

You can see this as a devious ploy so that the guy gets laid, but that's very one-sided. No girl is being tricked into having sex. Nobody is being taken advantage of. A Wingman wouldn't be needed if she came with 2-3 friends, or if men and women frequently went to bars alone. However, that's not reality.

Of course, It depends on how cynical you want to be.

I know what a wingman is. However, I also read the OP and know that this situation was not two or more guys going out together, as I indicated in my first post. I didn't say I find the idea if a wingman "wrong," I said the idea of trying to get someone you didn't go out with and just randomly ran into to be your wingman is presumptuous and rude (and frankly, immature).

 

[renewed]

I know what a wingman is. However, I also read the OP and know that this situation was not two or more guys going out together, as I indicated in my first post. I didn't say I find the idea if a wingman "wrong," I said the idea of trying to get someone you didn't go out with and just randomly ran into to be your wingman is presumptuous and rude (and frankly, immature).

Bingo.

 

[niuniu]

Bingo.

Bingo x2

 

[robanga]

Hooking up is the natural human biological condition. The "natural man and woman" if you are is programed to pair off as often as the situation allows.

Real biological things happen anytime two people of the opposite gender (usually) are in the same room. As long as there is not a wild mismatch (many years gap in age, infirmities, real large gaps with looks differences etc.) Some of the biological happenings will always occur. It does not matter if you are attached or single, man or woman.

Its only the mind over matter stuff, choosiness, commitment, faith, moral choices, social norms etc. that keep this in check.

If not for these we would be rutting like wild antelope every chance we get.

So your friend transfers his biological leanings to you and sets you up. You just happen to have a somewhat different set of mind over matter controls.

 

[niuniu]

Hooking up is the natural human biological condition. The "natural man and woman" if you are is programed to pair off as often as the situation allows.

Real biological things happen anytime two people of the opposite gender (usually) are in the same room. As long as there is not a wild mismatch (many years gap in age, infirmities, real large gaps with looks differences etc.) Some of the biological happenings will always occur. It does not matter if you are attached or single, man or woman.

Its only the mind over matter stuff, choosiness, commitment, faith, moral choices, social norms etc. that keep this in check.

If not for these we would be rutting like wild antelope every chance we get.

So your friend transfers his biological leanings to you and sets you up. You just happen to have a somewhat different set of mind over matter controls.

The OP is 43.. not 3. But I'm sure he's thankful for the attempt at pop science