19-year-old midlife crisis?

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by JHNguyen, Nov 1, 2008.

  1. JHNguyen macrumors member

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2006
    #1
    I'm probably exaggerating? But who knows..
    Just looking to hear from others. A bit of a long rant..

    I'm 19 and still living with my parents. I quit my job this semester to concentrate on my studies, but also because my Mother had wanted me to. My parents are very supportive so my working money was basically my "spending money."

    I'm attending a local community college and I'm doing well. My major is in Biology, but I think that's the problem. I'm not doing so great in Biology and Chemistry and I never had been sharp at them, even in high school. Perhaps "sharp" is a harsh word, but I just don't have any interest in science at all. The only reason I had picked the Biology major is because I know that's what my Mother wants. In a way, I feel like I owe her, for supporting me, spoiling me, and I just want to make her happy. Same goes with my father, he doesn't mind what I do, but like myself, he wants to make my Mom happy. Her medical issues are an influence as well.

    I was talking to a buddy of mine about school and what not, and he asked me what I'm majoring in. I told him, but I also told him how much I hated it.

    "Then why?" he asked

    So as of right now, I'm just kind of lost. My GF, is not yet in college, but she's is very interested in Biology and become a surgeon, more specifically. She also has been doing a shadowing program at our local hospital and she always talks about it. I see that she has a passion for it, but on the other hand, I found that I had none of that.

    I've gone through a ton of little phases and dropped a bunch of things to make my Mother happy. One in particular that I still regret, was quitting Marching/Concert band during my Jr. year of HS. Kind of lame, but, I really enjoyed it, and our school has been one of the best in the state for a long time. I would've gotten the opportunity to travel to Scotland and various other places, but I didn't go "due to money issues," but really, to concentrate on my studies. Of course, my parents would let me go, and would've paid for me, but my Chemistry grade at that time was suffering. My band teachers also offered to pay half of the ticket to Scotland, but again I refused. Since then, I've had phases in college where I wanted to major in Music/Percussion, then eventually business, and now I'm back to Biology and pretty miserable.

    I could go into specifics of what I have interests in and what not, but this would get way too long, and I have a feeling that is something I have to find out on my own.. unless I'm told otherwise?

    As of now, I'm majoring in Biology and again, I hate it, BUT I have a reason to do it. If I were to switch majors, I'd have no idea where to start.
     
  2. iVeBeenDrinkin' macrumors 65816

    iVeBeenDrinkin'

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2008
    #2
    Buy a Porsche. If you can't afford it, it's not a midlife crisis.
     
  3. gibbz macrumors 68030

    Joined:
    May 31, 2007
    #3
    You can't plan the rest of your life around what your mom wants. Find something you are passionate about and don't worry if it takes you awhile to find it. Go after that passion and do the best you can. Hopefully, your success in life, no matter what it may be, would be payment enough for your mom.
     
  4. Plymouthbreezer macrumors 601

    Plymouthbreezer

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2005
    Location:
    Massachusetts
    #4
    I'm about your age...

    Don't do something you don't actually want to do... If you need to talk with her (your mom) and explain this, it's a talk worth having. Can you imagine in 20 years how unhappy you'll be if you stay this course? It might be rough in the time being, but the long run will be smoother and more fulfilling.
     
  5. 63dot macrumors 603

    63dot

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2006
    Location:
    norcal
    #5
    You are still young and for many your age, it's not unusual to want to please your parents to a point. As you get older, you will find your calling and do more what you want.

    When I was 19, my parents had me in college, far from home as a business major and it was my destiny to take over their retail business when I got my bachelor's. Things didn't turn out that way.

    I loved music and married a girl who played drums in my rock band and dropped out of college. My parent's business went out of business after 35 years during that time. I continued on with music for a few more years, got my bachelor's at 30, and proceeded to do music another five years and got it out of my system. I don't regret a single day. By then I knew I was not the retail business type like my parents or expert with dealing with and selling to the public. That was ten years ago and the idea of opening up a successful, busy store is still the last thing on my mind. :)
     
  6. Badandy macrumors 68040

    Badandy

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    Sep 29, 2005
    Location:
    Terminus
    #6
    Your mom most likely wants you to be happy, so I'd do whatever YOU want to do, and she will be happy because of it. Explain that even though you think she wants you to be a doctor, you want to do something that you are passionate about, and by making you happier, it will make your mom happier. My dad has this joke he says. He says, "You can be anything you want...after law school". I know he's joking, but he's saying what I think every parent is thinking. They did well (or wanted to do well) in a certain field and think that you would be good for it, but most of all, they want you to be happy.

    I don't know, disjointed thoughts from Badandy, I just finished a huge business paper.
     
  7. wvuwhat macrumors 65816

    wvuwhat

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2007
    #7
    I was a finance major when starting college. I hated it, but my parents were happy. Took me one semester to just say "no thanks." I went into Communication and Advertising and loving every second of it. I'm taking sports classes, which I'm very interested in and will be graduating on time with it. I was in your position, but if you stick it out, just know that a lot of times, actually most of the time, you're going to graduate with a degree and not have a job in the field. I forget the actual stat, but I think it's something like 53% of people get a job after college that has nothing to do with their major.
     
  8. jecapaga macrumors 601

    jecapaga

    Joined:
    Jul 1, 2007
    Location:
    Southern California
    #8
    Change your major. The end. I was told/suggested by my college adviser to not go into the major I was interested in because it was highly competitive and a high fail rate and to go into the business part of the major. I did that. I left my first business class at the break and decided I'd rather fail at what I thought I wanted than go through this.
     
  9. Abstract macrumors Penryn

    Abstract

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2002
    Location:
    Location Location Location
    #9
    Would it make your mum happy to know that her son is miserable now? :confused: When are you going to do something that will make your 80 years on Earth more enjoyable?

    When she says you "should" do something, who actually has to go out and do it? The problem is that you are going to have to do it. It's easy to say, "You should be a doctor." Who actually has to put the work in? She doesn't. You're going to graduate in biology and do something you're going to hate for another 40 years. All that money spent on you, and all that time you have spent studying, and what is the result? A miserable man with a job he'll hate for the rest of his life. Well done, mom. :rolleyes:

    Or how about this: Tell your mum you hate all of this, that you regret having quit the band in high school because you LOVED it, and that what she wants doesn't mean f*** all. I have a pushy Chinese mother that I have not listened to since I was 16 or 17, when I decided that listening to her was pointless. She didn't care what I did, as long as it was "respectable", and my salary is well above average. Oh, and being able to buy brand names was also important. Typical chinese mother. It was always her way, or no way. If I did things my way, it was "wrong". HAHA! We never argued before that, but after I smartened up, we argued all the time because I almost never listened to her unless I agreed with her. I rarely agreed, so she'd just be disappointed. Well, it's either SHE is disappointed now, or I'm disappointed for the next 65 years, so I just started listening to myself.

    Anyway, now she's very proud of me, and feels happy for me because she sees that I'm happy and will become a pretty normal, but possibly well respected adult. Oh, and we get along perfectly well. :p :D
     
  10. 63dot macrumors 603

    63dot

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2006
    Location:
    norcal
    #10
    Well let's see, just from my circle of friends

    wife/BFA/last 8 years as a research analyst
    brother/AA business/last decade plus as a successful travel agent
    rock band mate-bassist/BA agriculture/now a middle school teacher
    rock band mate-guitarist/BA english/now a software technician
    mom/AA music/successful translator
    bartender buddy/two master's/still a bartender
    grad school friend/three master's/surfer
    former boss/Harvard PhD/retired retail manager-owner
    former dorm mate/BS metallurgical engineering/successful couch designer
    former dorm mate/BA architecture/successful structural engineer with boss he hates
    former dorm mate/MS electronic engineering/inventor of flash memory
    former dorm mate/BS physics/network administrator
    former neighbor/JD/restranteur
    current neighbor/BA social science/successful candy store owner
    law school dean/JD/extremely successful motivational speaker

    etc
    etc
    etc

    But in the last 20 years or more, this is what my inner circle have done since their college degrees ranging from an AA to a PhD. As you can see, very little relation to what they actually studied. And me, BA in business/labor law and current JD student, working to build sports related clothing business and sports gear (on the side).
     
  11. iSaint macrumors 603

    iSaint

    Joined:
    May 26, 2004
    Location:
    South Mississippi y'all, near the water!
    #11
    DEFINITELY find a passion that you will enjoy. I was depressed and failing college when I was your age. I almost joined the Coast Guard. My mother and father didn't really give any direction, although my mother was supportive of whatever I wanted to do.

    All that said, I tried various positions in the business world for 17 or so years, including working for my father, which was ten years of hell. I finally finished one degree, then was miserable another seven years before returning to school to complete teacher certification in a masters program. It's something I always wanted to do. I don't know what held me back, other than trying to be a successful businessman and fitting in to the norm in my small town.

    If your mom is really supportive, she'll listen and help you find your passion. I hate that you quit band. Band is so cool this generation, and you can take that instrument with you the rest of your life.

    Take some of these tests. They're fun, plus they help you accept who you are and show how you fit in to the world you live in.
     
  12. iGary Guest

    iGary

    Joined:
    May 26, 2004
    Location:
    Randy's House
    #12
    A mid-life crisis is when you go "Oh sh*t, I'm going to die in 30 years, what have I done with my life" not "What am I going to do with my life."

    That said, do what you love.
     
  13. 63dot macrumors 603

    63dot

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2006
    Location:
    norcal
    #13
    Wow, I am 90% percent religious, 10% percent materialistic. That kind of describes my sprituality/religious beliefs/bible by bed and my anti-big business stances and liberal political beliefs.

    I am literally puzzled and greatly saddened by my friend who is a beloved pastor to be lawyer, and I am an inch from voting Green Party.
     
  14. ucfgrad93 macrumors P6

    ucfgrad93

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2007
    Location:
    Colorado
    #14
    Got face your Mom and tell her how you feel. If not, you'll be miserable in college.
     
  15. Applespider macrumors G4

    Applespider

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2004
    Location:
    looking through rose-tinted spectacles...
    #15
    I'd agree that if you're not feeling remotely enthused by your current path, then you need to change it and speak to your Mom about it.

    But, there's one thing that you can do that will make her more likely to accept your decision; Do your homework and make sure that you've really thought it through, that you have some idea of what you want to do instead and map out some of the options your new major would give you. That way it seems much less like a spur of the moment decision, makes your Mom realise that you're not just going to drop out and that you've really thought about it.
     
  16. MrSmith macrumors 68040

    MrSmith

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2003
    #16
    If you find a passion you can get paid for you are not only lucky but relatively rare. Search for that passion. Are you sure this isn't what your Mum wants - just identifying it with a discipline she thinks you're interested in?
     
  17. iSaint macrumors 603

    iSaint

    Joined:
    May 26, 2004
    Location:
    South Mississippi y'all, near the water!
    #17
    I had a wonderful discernment group that helped me decide a future, although it was when I was in my 30s. One of the suggestions was to be a teacher. You may ask your church for some guidance. They may or may not have a formal process, but it's worth looking in to. Maybe you want to could should be a pastor?!
     
  18. gonyr macrumors 6502

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2006
    Location:
    Niagara County, NY
    #18
    If you're not happy with your major, then change it. This is one of the few times in your life when you can simply shift gears like that. Take advantage of it and figure out what you enjoy the most.

    Also, it's only a midlife crisis if you're planning on dying in your 30s.:D
     
  19. GimmeSlack12 macrumors 603

    GimmeSlack12

    Joined:
    Apr 29, 2005
    Location:
    San Francisco
    #19
    Changing to Business isn't a bad idea, but changing to Music is. I didn't read your whole post, but if you keep living your life to make your Mom happy then you're really not going to be able to explore what you are not sure what you're into. She should be happy when you're happy, not the other way around.
     
  20. Lurchdubious macrumors 65816

    Lurchdubious

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2008
    Location:
    Texas
    #20
    I agree with what others said about your mom being happy if she sees that YOU are happy. Quit being a "People pleaser" or you're going to have a miserable life and later on suffer a REAL mid-life crisis! My mom wanted me to be a doctor. I thought I wanted to be a computer programmer. After high school I cut the umbilical cord and moved 900 miles away from my home in a farming community to an enormous city where I didn't know one person. After a year of school I realized that computer programming just might royally suck, and I started looking into other things~shadowing, etc. Now I have made it to dental school, and in a few years I will be a dentist.

    Do what YOU want.
     
  21. 63dot macrumors 603

    63dot

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2006
    Location:
    norcal
    #21
    I was a missionary, but that's about it - Belfast and London in the '80s.

    I would hope to get some message that was clear and distinct. I won't haphazardly jump into a field I consider the most important if I am not 100% percent into it. There are many other ways to help your local church/religion/spiritual cause without being clergy.

    Only time will tell.
     
  22. synth3tik macrumors 68040

    synth3tik

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2006
    Location:
    Minneapolis, MN
    #22
    Just my two cents. I think your parents would be prouder of you excelling at a major that you are passionate about, then fumbling to get a degree they are interested in.

    As far as the GF goes, your only 19. Focus on your studies, then the girls will be rushing in.
     
  23. iSaint macrumors 603

    iSaint

    Joined:
    May 26, 2004
    Location:
    South Mississippi y'all, near the water!
    #23
    For some, a calling is clear. For me, it never was, so I asked for the discernment. I thought I might want to be a priest, but there were so many other things I thought I could and should do, becoming a teacher among them. The committee helped clarify that. They also helped point out how hard it is to be a priest.

    You're young. Something may come over the airwaves loud and clear. Or, it may not. I think your current time of doubt is a start...it's getting your attention, at least. You know there are ways to work without being clergy. It shows you're thinking, which is more than I did at your age! :p
     
  24. 63dot macrumors 603

    63dot

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2006
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    norcal
    #24
    I am honored you think I am young. I grew up with "Yellow Submarine" from a Liverpool rock band of four lads. ;)

    Anyway, back to the 19 year old before he turns 20.
     
  25. Dagless macrumors Core

    Dagless

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2005
    Location:
    Fighting to stay in the EU
    #25
    When I was 19 I was wondering where my life would go, so I suppose these are pre-life crisis' (other than abortion from the fetus' POV, nono... sorry).
     

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