A bit of an uncomfy situation

[0098386]

I've been debating on posting this for a while now-

Basically my girlfriend (Caroline) went away to a university a few miles south of here and she's in her final year now. Last year she met a group of people at her karate lesson and they all got on really well.

They're 5 or so lads of all sexualities. We met once and had a great evening! I thought all was cool and that.

Till a few months later. Caroline tells me when they first met the straight ones said they fancy her. Meh, that's how life goes! But she started getting a bit depressed recently and it turns out one of them really loves her. As in he has a secret blog somewhere where he fawns over her.

She's the most trustworthy person I know! She'll never cheat on me or anything like that. But that didn't get me. It's that this guy, apparently, confesses his love for her. Doesn't help that her friends don't actually like me and they're constantly telling her to break up with me!
Wouldn't be so bad but she spends a lot of time with them lot still.

Mad thing is she wants me to meet them again so we can all get to know each other properly! But after hearing the lengths they've gone through to break us up I don't know if I can even look at them again.

But you know what. In the end I only feel pity for her friend. Is that right? My friends say I should knock his block off

(sorry for the wall of text!)

 

[MalcolmJID]

Knock his block off, and leave her.


I'm not saying it'd be an easy choice. But at a (I presume) young age, just play the field. Really.

There's plenty of fish mate.

 

[leekohler]

I agree. This is over, man. You're a cute guy, you'll find somebody else. I'm sure there are plenty of ladies who would love to hang out with you.

 

[0098386]

I dunno how deep I'm allowed to go with this! If she finds me I'll be dead but...

She was bullied a lot as a kid and has big trust issues with new people. This group of lads are the only real friends she has at uni. I can see why, even after all that has been said and done by these, she still chooses to hang out with them.

For the record she doesn't find him attractive at all. It's just him wanting their friendship to be something more.

 

[vanmacguy]

I dunno how deep I'm allowed to go with this! If she finds me I'll be dead but...

She was bullied a lot as a kid and has big trust issues with new people. This group of lads are the only real friends she has at uni. I can see why, even after all that has been said and done by these, she still chooses to hang out with them.

For the record she doesn't find him attractive at all. It's just him wanting their friendship to be something more.

If she's trustworthy and not interested, then let if go.

You could also feel flattered by someone wanting your girlfriend and knowing that she wants to stay with you.

Punching him out is just going to raise his hero status and make you the bully, so I don't think that's a good idea. And dumping her for doing nothing is not a good idea either. We all don't have to like each other. So don't go and hang out with them, just let it go.

Ignore it man.

Cheers.

 

[CHAOS STEP]

Best prudent advice I can think of is to;

Storm right in and take a dump on her cornflakes.

Break into hysterical sobbing and run out of the house (bear in mind that you should be flailing your arms around at this point).

Never fails.

 

[CanadaRAM]

Thing is, we don't get to have a say in what and how our significant others feel about their friends. Freedom of choice, man. Think about it.

You either love her for who she is and abide by her choices ---- or ---- if you feel a deep need to control what she chooses and make her wrong about her choice, then the relationship is already over.

Choices - which she has made consciously and responsibly (it is not a destructive choice like running with criminals or druggies). Yes, you don't like them, they don't like you, but she is aware how you feel and she has chosen to have these friends. She has also chosen to keep you informed and reassure you that she does not reciprocate Mr. Lovelorn's affections.

Love is unconditional acceptance. Are you ready for that?

 

[Xanis]

I think "a bit of an uncomfy situation" is a wee bit of an understatement. This guy is clearly infatuated with her, and you're pretty much letting him do it. I think you should meet with this guy again and tell him what's what. I'm actually surprised your girlfriend hasn't done anything about it. Sure as hell I would want my girlfriend to tell a guy like that to back off. I think she shares the blame with this whole shenanigan, but that's just my two cents. I would talk to your girlfriend too and see if that resolves anything. If talking to them both doesn't yield any good results, then maybe it's time to dump her and move on. Plenty of fish in the sea man.

 

[0098386]

She has told him to back off, he even understands they will never be together. But it just doesn't stop him "loving her" seemingly!

 

[skinnylegs]

From a 48 year old guy who has fallen in and out of love a few times.....move on. It won't be worth the investment of time.

 

[twistedlegato]

Some of these posts seem quite immature

Okay man, you are like my favorite person on the forums (most likely 'cause of the conCole section) so i will give you a good response.

First of all Caroline (i can call her that right? or do you own the right to that name on the forums) seems to truly be the love of your life. You are what, low 20's (age)? If so i bet you have definitely thought of wanting to marry her, you say that she has met your family and what not, and they all love her.

You say this guy loves her, but one question. Is this man THAT in love with her? Like if he does not have her he might be suicidal? Even so he does not deserve her (unless she loves him too). If he is like that, you need to talk to this guy face-to-face. Tell him, ask him questions, or clear anything you need to say to him from your mind (unless it is very vulgar and rude, which i doubt such things go through your mind). Do not hurt his feelings, the only thing you should leave him with is a smile and of course a broken heart.

Make friends with this guy too, maybe he will find new woman, introduce him to some of your ladyfriends!

But, before all of this, make sure Caroline is committed to you, and that you really are to her.

If there are any gaps, TRY and fix it if you feel the need too. If not, let go...but even if you do, still hold on to her hand for a good friendship, you never want to lose the love of a good friend.

I believe you to be a good man, and i believe Caroline to be a good woman. Fix it man, i know you can.

 

[sikkinixx]

Meet her friend and set him straight. You don't need to beat him up or nothing but if you just let it go, it will just give him more courage to keep pressing for her affection. He may SAY he knows it won't work but does he mean it? Doubt it, that little voice saying "well 'what if?'" doesn't give up easy Have a talk with the lady as well and tell her how you feel about it.

In the end, it's gonna be up to Caroline to choose what happen. Since you trust her not to fool around on you then if she wants to be friends with them then you are S.O.L so try to live with as best you can.

 

[2nyRiggz]

She has told him to back off, he even understands they will never be together. But it just doesn't stop him "loving her" seemingly!

Well you really can't do anything about that....as long as he keeps his distance. Its up to her to distance herself away from this guy to show him shes serious about this thing and if he doesn't back off then and gets too involved then you got a problem where fist/foot meets face.

Lay it on the line let her her know you are uncomfortable about the situation but you must let her handle this by herself(stand by her though)



Bless

 

[Abstract]

I'd tell your girlfriend that while you trust her, you don't trust him. Don't make it a serious talk, but at least let her know that although you feel secure in all this, you can't help but sort of feel creeped out!! I think she could understand. Even the most secure person would feel a bit "meh" if they knew that someone was madly in love with their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife.


And just so you know, a very close friend of mine has a bit of a crush on me. I'm quite sure that she'd love to date me if I wasn't in a long-distance relationship with someone else. We never talk about this sort of thing......or relationships and romance.....because it just makes things awkward between us. I've been in the same situation as her.......I have liked someone I couldn't have for one reason or another.

That's life. As long as she understands that you're secure about this, and understand that it's not her choice to be in this position, then things are OK. If she likes him back, then that is a HUGE problem.

 

[0098386]

Cheers guys, this forum really is great with advice

This guy now has his eye on someone else, I hope it stays there!

 

[Queso]

It sounds like he's more in love with the idea of being in love than your girlfriend if that makes sense. It also seems as if the dislike you believe is coming from the group is probably related to them wanting two of their friends to get together more than anything against you.

I would let the situation go and make a bigger effort to get to know them a bit more. It can only reinforce in your girlfriend's mind what a wonderful human being you are and how lucky she is to be with you

Hope it works out.

 

[MovieCutter]

Thing is, we don't get to have a say in what and how our significant others feel about their friends. Freedom of choice, man. Think about it.

You either love her for who she is and abide by her choices ---- or ---- if you feel a deep need to control what she chooses and make her wrong about her choice, then the relationship is already over.

Choices - which she has made consciously and responsibly (it is not a destructive choice like running with criminals or druggies). Yes, you don't like them, they don't like you, but she is aware how you feel and she has chosen to have these friends. She has also chosen to keep you informed and reassure you that she does not reciprocate Mr. Lovelorn's affections.

Love is unconditional acceptance. Are you ready for that?

More appropriate words could not be spoken. I've been going through a similar thing with my girlfriend (hangs out with ex-fiancé who I think is a royal jackass, but they're friends, yada yada yada) and the only thing we fight about really is when they hang out together...and I'm usually the one who starts it, not out of jealousy, but the rabbit hole goes deeper.

ANYWAY...RAM's words are level-headed, reasonable, and dead on.