A question of rights vs. kindness.

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by StephenCampbell, Mar 10, 2010.

  1. StephenCampbell macrumors 65816

    Sep 21, 2009
    So, I dated this girl from August to December of last year. She officially broke up with me in december, but she wouldn't leave me alone after that (wasn't sure of her decision, wanted to stay friends, etc), so we sort of stayed together even after that point, in a more open relationship. Three months of a lot of stress for both of us went by, and she finally re-officially ended it last night.

    Recently I met this other girl who coincidentally lives on the same floor of the same dorm building as my ex, and my ex is freaking out at the thought of me doing anything with a girl who lives on the same floor as her. She said she would literally go crazy, and probably have to move out of that dorm.

    This new girl is not someone I'd want a super-serious relationship with probably, but she's someone with which I could see a fun friendship/casual relationship/friends with benefits happening.

    Do I respect my ex? Or do I just take what are logically my rights and not care about how she feels?
  2. dukebound85 macrumors P6


    Jul 17, 2005
    5045 feet above sea level
    do what you want

    who cares what floor she lives on, it's your life

    besides, she broke up with you
  3. renewed macrumors 68040


    Mar 24, 2009
    Bemalte Blumen duften nicht.
    My moral beliefs set aside, just explain to your ex that she had her chance with you and gave it up and you are now a free man and will do as you please.

    Obviously don't flaunt it, however, you have a right to visit whomever you want, even if it is on the same floor as your ex; if she needs to move out because of it, then so be it.
  4. Xavier macrumors 68030

    Mar 23, 2006
    SO she gets dictate your relationships even when she is not involved? I don't think so..
  5. ucfgrad93 macrumors P6


    Aug 17, 2007
    I think that you respect your ex by not flaunting a new relationship in her face, by not trashing her to your new girl or your friends, by talking to her when you run into her, etc.

    Other than that, I don't really think you owe her anything. If you let her push you on this issue, next, it will be you can't date anyone in her dorm, etc.
  6. r1ch4rd macrumors 6502a


    Aug 5, 2005
    Manchester UK
    I agree with the above. If you're not being too 'in your face' about it, then there shouldn't be a problem. She broke up with you, so why should she be so bothered about it? If there is a problem, it's her problem, not yours.
  7. eawmp1 macrumors 601


    Feb 19, 2008
    Fixed this for you.
    Your ex has issues. Live your life. Don't flaunt it in her face. And NEVER, EVER date your ex again.
  8. scottness macrumors 65816


    Mar 18, 2009
    Room 101
    Sounds like a psycho. Don't date anyone on her floor or she'll come after you and the girl with a blow torch and a sock full of hamsters.
  9. Abstract macrumors Penryn


    Dec 27, 2002
    Location Location Location
  10. eawmp1 macrumors 601


    Feb 19, 2008
    A threesome with a "Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction"-wannabe will NOT end well.
  11. Dify macrumors member

    Apr 9, 2008

    On the serious side, I think it is more her problem than yours, an easy way to figure it out is: What if it the contrary, what if your ex is dating a guy on your floor? would you axcept it or not?

    One other thing would be to have a discution with your ex to see what she thinks and to value her arguments with yours.
  12. Denarius macrumors 6502a


    Feb 5, 2008
    Gironde, France
    I really wouldn't worry about it personally. She broke up with you. If it was the other way round then I'd argue that you were being a little bit of a sod, but it's not the other way round so if she feels 'it'll drive her crazy' then she has far bigger issues than who you're dating. She sounds like a control-freak.

    What does the new lass think about it?

    Gotta be a first, IT geeks giving relationship advice. I'm speaking for myself here.;)
  13. iBlue macrumors Core


    Mar 17, 2005
    London, England
    First, your ex needs to get a grip. You've broken up and she's lost her right to decide things like that. Second, you might want to consider that it's not worth the hassle and potential drama. If you decide to give it a go, just be subtle. Don't rub it in ex's face. Mostly I feel sorry for the new girl because she's probably going to have a jealous ex on her bad side.
  14. Dagless macrumors Core


    Jan 18, 2005
    Fighting to stay in the EU
    What, she broke up with you and is now saying she'd go crazy if you and this new girl got together? Bloody hell. The ex doesn't deserve second thought IMO.
    Go get your oats or something. Just don't tell the ex.
  15. andalusia macrumors 68030


    Apr 10, 2009
    Manchester, UK
    Go out with her, but don't tell the ex, she sounds a bit unhinged, and she could potentially cause problems with the new girl if they live near each other.
  16. Tomorrow macrumors 604


    Mar 2, 2008
    Always a day away
    Let her freak out. You don't owe her any level of consideration than you wouldn't give to any other person. If she feels like she has to move out, she's the one with the problem - and it's a big one.

    Breaking up with someone, then trying to impose your say on how that person proceeds with his/her life, is colloquially referred to as "having your cake and eating it too." And it doesn't work out well.

    This advice cannot be overstated.
  17. Mousse macrumors 68000


    Apr 7, 2008
    Flea Bottom, King's Landing
    How did that old Mamas & Papas song go...

    You gotta go where you wanna go
    Do what you wanna do
    With whomever you wanna do it with

    Why should the opinion of someone who no longer matters you you matter to you?:confused:
  18. StruckANerve macrumors 6502

    Dec 31, 2008
    Rio Rancho, NM
    You have no obligation to your ex. You being happy is what matters. Tell her to go screw.
  19. MarkCollette macrumors 68000


    Mar 6, 2003
    Toronto, Canada
    I agree with the general consensus of everyone else in the thread, but I have to admit, that somehow this advice is just better:

  20. scottness macrumors 65816


    Mar 18, 2009
    Room 101
    Finally, somebody recognizes sage wisdom.
  21. TheSVD macrumors 6502a


    Sep 3, 2008
    The Jolly Ol' Midlands, England
    mate, she cant control you anymore, your not her property. your a free man, do as you wish :)
  22. skunk macrumors G4


    Jun 29, 2002
    Republic of Ukistan
  23. Jaro65 macrumors 68040


    Mar 27, 2009
    Seattle, WA
    She has no right to tell you what to do. Just to be safe (since one never knows) I would keep things low key for a while, even if you decide to go out with the other girl. Hopefully she just needs a little time to deal with her mental situation.
  24. mscriv macrumors 601


    Aug 14, 2008
    Dallas, Texas
    Respecting your ex = moving on with your life. In doing so you are agreeing with her decision to end the relationship and not causing any further confusion. I agree with those who have said that you don't flaunt anything, but her seeing you date other people sends the message that you agree with her choice to end the relationship and you are moving forward.

    It's a good thing for friendships to have personal boundaries, but no friend or ex boyfriend/girlfriend can place unrealistic expectations on someone. Saying who you can and can't date is an unrealistic expectation, it's your life and that's your choice.

    Now, all of that being said, if you are only interested in this new girl because you know it will drive your ex crazy then back off because your motives are not genuine. It's also a sign that you are not truly over the break up yourself because you are motivated by how what you do will affect her. When you still consider how what you will or won't do will affect your ex then your not ready to move on and probably need some more time to heal or sort through things.

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