Am I in the wrong?

phas3

macrumors 65816
Original poster
Oct 5, 2008
1,094
12
Me and my girlfriend were cleaning the apartment, she said something like "you left the rice out now I know who use to ALWAYS leave the rice out in the old apartment."

In my old apartment my bestfriend was my roommate and my gf lived with us for a few months until we moved out.

Anyway I got so angry at the fact that she blamed me for "ALWAYS" leaving the rice out in the OLD apartment when in fact my best friend had something to do it too.

I don't know why I got so angry, its just that I hate being blamed for something when in fact it wasn't just only me. I admitted to her that yeah I did that too but saying ALWAYS is a false statement.
 

phas3

macrumors 65816
Original poster
Oct 5, 2008
1,094
12
That's all I needed to read. Just accept that you're wrong, it's easier that way. ;)
I did tell her that I know it was me but it's just the fact that she said "it was ALWAYS you"

she doesn't get the fact as to why I'm angry.
 

waloshin

macrumors 68040
Oct 9, 2008
3,173
67
You were releasing anger that had nothing to do with being blamed for leaving the rice out.
 

'Bmac

macrumors regular
I understand the concept of "picking your battles" BUT when someone gets blamed for EVERYTHING all the time is just ridculious in my opinion. I think YOU NEED to put your foot down and tell her to STOP blaming you for using YOU as the ALWAYS to "blame" person. I personally think she does that to you because you just do not get it thru to her to STOP putting ALL THE BLAME ALWAYS on YOU! You NEED to find a way to make her STOP blaming you!
 

Shrink

macrumors G3
Feb 26, 2011
8,943
1,596
New England, USA
When I was doing couples therapy, a simple concept occurred to me (since I am basically only capable of simple concepts):

When the magnitude of the the stimulus is disproportionate to the magnitude of the response...something else is going on.

When a relatively trivial issue generate a conflict way out of proportion to the importance of the issue...you're really fighting about something else more important.
 

UlsterApple

macrumors regular
Aug 22, 2011
106
0
Northern Ireland
It's funny how these things can niggle.
Where I work, there are eight employees and a small communal kitchen. I'm usually first in in the mornings, to a sink full of dirty cups and a mess of a kitchen. I usually start off by cleaning up the last person's mess, but the single female in our team always announces that I never do any dishes. No matter how many I do, if anyone complains about cups in the sink she'll announce they're probably mine as I never do any washing up. If I make a point of doing them, she'll shout for a camera.
It's highly annoying. Someday I'm going to drown the b7tch in dirty dishwater.
 

mscriv

macrumors 601
Aug 14, 2008
4,925
587
Dallas, Texas
You are not "in the wrong" for getting angry, but the more important question is what did you do with your anger? If you snapped, yelled, or were rude to her in the midst of your anger then you probably need to apologize.

That being said you have brought up a common communication trigger in relationships, the use of the extreme in the description of behavior. Whenever people criticize with the use of a word like "always" or "never" it tends to cause defensiveness and conflict. Most therapist will tell you to simply eliminate those words from your vocabulary when you are giving your partner negative or constructive feedback.

In the big picture this one incident is probably not that big of a deal, but if this is a pattern in your relationship then you two need to sit down and talk about how "going to the extreme" with words like "always" and "never" can be upsetting. Miscommunication or lack of effective communication can destroy a relationship very quickly.
 

phas3

macrumors 65816
Original poster
Oct 5, 2008
1,094
12
You are not "in the wrong" for getting angry, but the more important question is what did you do with your anger? If you snapped, yelled, or were rude to her in the midst of your anger then you probably need to apologize.

That being said you have brought up a common communication trigger in relationships, the use of the extreme in the description of behavior. Whenever people criticize with the use of a word like "always" or "never" it tends to cause defensiveness and conflict. Most therapist will tell you to simply eliminate those words from your vocabulary when you are giving your partner negative or constructive feedback.

In the big picture this one incident is probably not that big of a deal, but if this is a pattern in your relationship then you two need to sit down and talk about how "going to the extreme" with words like "always" and "never" can be upsetting. Miscommunication or lack of effective communication can destroy a relationship very quickly.
thank you everyone for your responses, I did snapp at her and yell at her and then we just didn't talk for an hour and then her sister came and I asked her if she needed money and then that was that. I didn't apologize but I plan to later when she gets back.

I agree with your assessment mscriv, always and never seems to be brought up more often than I like in our relationshig both negative and sometimes it's really not like "we're never going to get married" or "never going to have kids" and then she backs its it up with "it's because i'm a realist", I think we do need to talk about communication.

Also, I also think my anger came from the conversation but also something else some of these guys mentioned. We've been together for almsot a year now and the "honey moon phase" is over for her and I feel that it's not for me...so we're just not on the same page on that.
 

Gregg2

macrumors 603
May 22, 2008
5,839
355
Milwaukee, WI
I turn it into a humorous ritual. I've been married for more than 30 years, to the same wonderful woman. When things like that come up, I "blame" it on U No Hu. He's invisible. He doesn't talk back. I'm not even sure if he knows English. ;)