Yea, they are. I'm using one. You said "these new ones are a joke". No, they're not.
The ports can be used for anything you want them to be used for, yea you have to use an adaptor to do so, but so what? They're versatile, thus allowing you to choose what you want it to be when you want it to be that, as opposed to someone else making the decision for you.
We have used dongles on devices for years, this is truly nothing new. However, 2016 is the year of outrage and being butthurt, so I understand why it's gotten so much media attention this year.
Underachieving? Where has it been reported that the 13" non touchbar model is underachieving in battery life? Do you have one and it's underachieving? Mine is doing just fine.
I'm sorry that a computer that is faster, more capable, more portable, has many other upsides (better screen, faster ssd, better speakers, larger trackpad, etc etc.) and comes with 2x the storage at the base price is "a joke" to you.
Is it without fault? Nope, but to say it's a joke is misguided and flat out wrong.