OK officially feel like Peter Griffin. I was hoping for at least a battery bank with USB-C ports. Nope. They sent me exactly what I was afraid of. The cheap discontinued junk they're trying to get rid of.
The "mystery box" contained the Anker 325 Power Bank PowerCore 20K.
Two USB-A outputs (apparently only one at a time for up to a whole 15 watts). One micro-usb input.
One USB-C port for charging only. 10W max input. Takes ten hours to charge up.
This thing was cutting edge in about 2017. Even then it was junk. WTF did they even make this. And all the Amazon reviews are clearly fake.
What they sent me was worse than useless. I can't even think of someone to give this to who wouldn't have the exact same "what the **** even is this" reaction that I did.