I'm gonna give it to you straight kid. This paper is all over the place. Simplify! Treat your writing like Apple treated designing the iPhone...less is more. Keep peeling away the layers of unneccessary words and uncover the essence of what you're trying to say. Drill down, then back it up with facts. I say that only because you seem to be taking the stance of a journalist...but you don't seem to know what story you're covering. Is it how the iPhone's success boosted Apple? Then by all means, give us as much backstory on the iPhone as possible. Is your story about how rich Apple is? That's not a very compelling topic, but if that's what you want to write about, we need lots more facts and figures to keep it interesting.
Some of my comments below (in bold) have already been addressed.
Steve Jobs once said, Every once in a while a revolutionary product comes along that changes everything. It's very fortunate if you can work on just one of these in your career. January 9th, 2007 was the day Apple reinvented the phone, and fortunately enough for JobsAwkward., the day he introduced a product that really would change everything. From analyzing five years worth of sales data, ingenuity, patent protection and even the future of the iPhone it can be concluded who did this analysis? you? did you analyze ingenuity? what does that even mean? did you analyze patent protection? did Apple? this sentence needs clarity of voice and intent. that Apples incredible gadget has risen from a flagship device, to a world renowned and highly innovative product that leads the smartphone market across the globe. Furthermore it proves that with hard work, and a bit of creativity, a person or even a company can work from the ground up to reach sure success is there unsure success?.
Although introduced via keynote to the public in early 2007, the original iPhone took over 6 months to reach the end consumer in the summer of that year so what? what point does this make? The device was a two and a half year work in progress with collaboration between Apple and AT&T formerly known as Cingular Wireless irrelevant. The story of how the iPhone originally came to be is a significant and important part of its past, however it is not something that will be touched on in this essay don't tell us what you're not covering. Regardless this emphasizes that your omission of the history of how the iphone came to be is a misgiving you have and hints at laziness, I believe that it is important to take a look at the business and sales aspect vague of the product. More so, how incredibly well it sold, especially in its first few quarters compared to its current sales in the past year this makes it sound like iPhone sales have declined, and how sales alone have driven this device to the top.
If you try hard enough, you can picture it now picture what??? way too informal for a serious paper.. Its just near the end of Apples fiscal quarter three, and the breakthrough device, iPhone, has just been released to the public. don't play time machine. it's 2012, not 2007 Right off the bat, Apple finishes quarter three with a respectable 270 thousand devices off the shelf and into consumer hands. Certainly a good figure, but that doesnt even account for a months worth of sales. Quarter four presents an incredible turnaround, 1.12 million additional phones sold. With in a few months Apple has successfully launched a flagship device and sold nearly one and a half million units. as others have mentioned, pick a tense, preferably past when dealing with historical data.
To put this in perspective I performed some research on a competitors sales data, Nokia. cut the fluff. we know you did research. it's a research paper. In quarter four of 2007, with a cellphone market share of a blasphemous huh? forty-percent, Nokia sold 18.8 million devices.Taking into account that Nokia had tens of hundreds of models of phones both smart and non-smart, this number feels insignificant you seem biased. your reader doesn't care. During the first four months of the iPhone being on the market, Apple sold nearly eight-percent of a leading companys sales s what company?? with just one device. Apple jumped into a market and immediately gained a presence. In contrast, jumping ahead to present times, in quarter four of 2012, Apple sold a grand total of $46.3 billion worth of various technologies Apple doesn't sell techologies, Apple sells products and services made with technologies. be specific, an industry record totally vague. Apple is involved in several industries. Music. Hardware. Software. Web services. Which record did they break in which industry? Of that figure, 37 million iPhones were sold Again, unclear...37 million iPhones of 46 billion dollars?, a company record still held today.The launch and then success of the iPhone not only made Apple millions if not billions tell us which it is! do your research! of dollars, but furthered innovation and product development across the board across what or whose board? Apple's board?. In addition it has green-lighted who gave the green light? not the best use of the phrase. new technologies and service offerings like what? tell us where they are branching out. which have led Apple to recently become the most valuable company in the entire world with a valuation at $621.64 billion this past august.
