Hey, once you posted the exercise, it made a lot more sense, otherwise I was kind of lost in terms of message, meaning and overall purpose of the design.
I think you have some good ideas in the piece and some of the elements could work if you were to do some revisions imo.
I find the overall colour too dark, I understand it is suppose to be night, but the dark grey background does not exactly jive with the red you have chosen nor the text (as others have mentioned) as the text is washed out and hardly legible.
A suggestion is to perhaps try going black and white with the background, this would allow for a more subtle background and bring more of a focus to your remaining elements.
Also, what if you were to take one strong line from the song that best represnts the theme and portray it as a statement rather then having 3 lines criss-crossing down the page, it would perhaps make the message stronger and the design not so "wordy" or "scattered looking" for lack of a better term..
I would also try using red text with a font that is more legible. I can't say I am a big fan of the blood drops, hence why if you were to use red text and an appropriate font with proper form, you could very easily portray the message of design through the use of a single line statment which could prove to be more powerful.
I encourage you to really look at type and image and the language of your design. When done effectively, the use of form language can help to convey content. I like your approach with the angled text and overall grunge theme but the message, typography and placement could be presented more effectively. Look at the typography, is it an intended focal point of your design? If so, is it clear, concise or is it washed out? Could a statement tell the story? Is the art, craft and technique representative of the overall theme? Would simplifying it into more of a statment such as "They'll remember only our smiles cause that's all they've seen" allow for a stronger focal point and message?
Below are some good example of typography and form language using similar colours. Angled text, but presented in a way with proper form in relation to the other visual elements.
Strong text that is simple, yet impactful.
Overall again, I like the idea behind your design and the elements, I just think you could revisit placement, colour and most importantly, to ask youself what the focal point of the design is and if it is the text, to try and present it in a way that best represents the content and overall theme.
I am also a junkie for clean, simple, contemporary design but that's not to say that the grunge style and your visual elements cannot be portrayed in this manner.
Also, check this site out for further inspiration regarding this or future "grunge type designs".
http://www.smashingmagazine.com/2008/03/11/the-secrets-of-grunge-design/