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Can opposites ever really attract?

celebrian23

celebrian23

macrumors 65816
Original poster
Mar 12, 2006
1,186
0
Under the sun
I'm currently dating a guy who I am so different from. Sure, it's fun right now, but I'm doubtful that we can ever become something once the fun stage wears off. He's a party guy, who drinks heavily about once a week. He's definitely more on the wild side. I'm pretty quiet and reserved, and I'd take staying at home to partying anytime. He's the first person I've ever dated who isn't academically inclined (he's smart but you get my point). He's also a musician, the type of person I usually run away from. I don't particularly care about music beyond an entertainment point of view, while he studied it in college and is very serious about it. We also have no similarities in music whatsoever. It worries me because he's my most serious relationship yet in my young life. Our personalities are like puzzle peices, but it seems like everything else about us is so different I don't know if i'm just wasting my time. Ever been with someone totally unlike you? How did it work out?
 
celebrian23 said:
I'm currently dating a guy who I am so different from. Sure, it's fun right now, but I'm doubtful that we can ever become something once the fun stage wears off. He's a party guy, who drinks heavily about once a week. He's definitely more on the wild side. I'm pretty quiet and reserved, and I'd take staying at home to partying anytime. He's the first person I've ever dated who isn't academically inclined (he's smart but you get my point). He's also a musician, the type of person I usually run away from. I don't particularly care about music beyond an entertainment point of view, while he studied it in college and is very serious about it. We also have no similarities in music whatsoever. It worries me because he's my most serious relationship yet in my young life. Our personalities are like puzzle peices, but it seems like everything else about us is so different I don't know if i'm just wasting my time. Ever been with someone totally unlike you? How did it work out?
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First let me establish something, because with the posters on this board I can never tell. :p Are you male or female?
 
Well, if the sex is good, if you can continue to find things to talk about, and if you think that you can deal with his bad habits - then stick it out until one of those fails.

I am not necessarily a fan of pre-emption, and your post was very non-personal about your concerns - so that's optimistic.
 
Think about the 5 things you find most annoying about him. Imagine that they will never change. Think of the 5 things that you like the most about him. Imagine that they go away.

Also consider long term goals? Are they in alignment or can you live without them being in alignment? Would you be willing to bust your ass as a doctor lawyer etc, to support him and his band? For 40 years?

Not saying it won't work. Just saying that is what you are looking at.

Also remember you can want what you want to want.
 
I think it can work. If either of you are the kinds of people that want to live in each other's pocket 24 hours a day, I think it's probably easier if you have similar ideas on how to spend your time. However, if you can happily spend time apart doing the stuff that makes you happy, and the time you spend together makes you happy, I think it's fine. If you're happy to let him continue to go out, and he has no problem with you staying in, it should be fine. Do you want to change him, or are you happy with him the way he is?

"Our personalities are like puzzle pieces" – that says to me that you have a similar sense of humour and outlook, and therefore I usually find if you can have a good laugh about stupid stuff that no-one else would laugh at, you're usually on to a good thing. I say enjoy it, and deal with any problems later if they ever materialise. They may not!
 
I think women have a subconscious fear of rejection. You see when a guy will talk to them and hang out with them, they're cool with that. They actually like it. But then when he starts busting out moves on them, they start analyzing. They will start to think of the negatives and emotional misteps that might occur. This is the *fear*, if you will, of getting hurt emotionally when in fact there probablly really isn't anything to be fearful about. What happens in turn? They pull the just friends line and let the guy go away. And he probably was a really great guy and they would have GOTTEN ALONG GREAT. But no no, doesn't work that way. :eek:
 
1. we're not currently having sex
2. My concern is that things can't work for the long haul. So I was wondering if anyone has ever been in a similar situation
 
I don't want to change him at all. I like him the way it is. Even if it means he'll go out while I'll probablyy stay home.
 
All relationships require effort from both parties. It sounds to me like you've already decided that this won't work. Enjoy it for what it is right now and when (or if) it ends, take what you've learned about yourself and apply it to the next relationship. Only you and he know whether it can work or not. Good luck and have fun while it lasts.
 
My story is very similar, I'm into making music, computers, techie stuff, guy movies, shopping for guy stuff, I'm not heavily career driven. She is career obsessed, not too interested in music, hates techie stuff, uses a computer for myspace and email, hates guy movies, hates guy stuff, she's conservative, I'm way more of a spontaneous type...I like to stay in like you, and she likes to go out and socialize, I'm more inclined to stay home and work on a track or two, while she would rather hike a mountain...those are just basic examples, but it goes deeper, we're total opposites.

We've been together 5 years, and it's great.

enjoy what's good, enjoy your differences, and yes, opposites can attract. :)
 
celebrian23 said:
1. we're not currently having sex
2. My concern is that things can't work for the long haul. So I was wondering if anyone has ever been in a similar situation
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oops, sorry I was a little presumptive...

OK, some questions/comments for you:

1. How old are you?
2. Define "long haul".
3. How long have you two been a couple?
4. Other goals in next 5 years (approx) that might prove relevant?
5. Had many relationships or few (or in-between)?
 
FWIW, I've never found that the solidity behind "opposites attract" hold good beyond the first exciting few weeks/couple of months. And then those iddy bitty opposite things become the most irritating, get-up-your-nose qualities. Opposites may be 'interesting' for a while, just because they are different, but for the long haul, I look to the comfort of shared ideas, outlooks, needs and experiences. And I also look to my best friends and wonder why they are best friends. Because we are alike in many ways. Different enough to be interesting, but core values very similar. Opposites? No thanks. Too much like hard work. And to answer your question, yup, I HAVE been there and, yup, it was fun(ish) for a (short) while and then -- whoooosh! -- back to sanity.

Hey. Be happy whatever you do. Try it out for the experience. :)
 
I think it can work really well. My best friend and her boyfriends have been together for nearly 2 years. She is clever, hard working, a musical girl (grade 8 piano, singing, clarinet, saxophone), a ballet dancer, beautiful, refined and sexy. He is clever (but not hard working), not hot (in my books) and just likes getting drunk/stoned. I used to think he was a complete idiot but since they've been going out I've gotten to know him and I think he's grown on me. I still don't understand how on Earth they are together, but they really enjoy being together and it's one of the strongest relationships I know of right now.

Uber
 
How old are you? People change. Best you can hope for is that it will work out and you'll continue to get along and enjoy each others company.

If you're less than mid-twenties be prepared for the fact that you'll change just as much as he might, but if it feels 'right' now why not go for it? What's the worst that could happen?

Don't get bogged down with any form of commitment unless you're 100% sure and even then don't assume you'll not change your mind in the future, that's life.

You never know if in 6months, a year or in a decade you'll tire of him(or he of you) or you'll be sat on a bus and catch another person's eye and just click with them. Be prepared to make the changes you'll need to make to follow what your heart and gut tell you. And likewise don't get pissed if he's honest with you and still decides to walk in the future. (different if there are lies between you)

I love the line from Di Nero in 'Heat' "Never have anything in your life that you can't walk away from in 30secs. flat" I'm not trying to be all doom and gloom just saying accept nothing is forever, enjoy life as best you can today and don't plan away your future or promise it to anybody. If they're worth being with today they'll hopefully understand.

Oh, and don't take any advice from me!
 
The woman and I are both reserved and introspective, but we're of very different minds. She's a scientist -- empirical to a fault, always organizing everything into categories.

I'm a writer and a teacher. I don't even believe in believing, let alone science. I hate structure unless it's in a poem, and even then I find it vaguely discomforting.

I live in the moment. She plans long term.

I read all the time. She spends free time with the dog.

In short, I live with dog urine saturated carpets because I love her. We're recently married and I can't imagine anything more boring than spending my life with another writer/teacher. And life would be a disaster if I were with someone who were as live in the moment as I am.

I'm glad we think so differently, live so differently, and I'm glad we have the courage to leave each other alone while always living toward each other.
 
Anything can work if the both of you are serious about each other....you don't need to be so much inline with each other for it to work....theres something more than sex(since you are not having any) that attracts you two...work at it and find more also don't close yourself off to dating others..if you are not sure...keep your mind open.

Bless
 
My parents are different in many ways.

My mom LOVES art. (She's an artist) My dad, doesnt not like art, he just has to really try to be interested in it. But he is also supportive of what my mom does. My mom is also very organized where as my dad likes stacks of papers, etc.

My dad like to do more outdoor type stuff. For example biking and hiking are his favorites. (He just did the Seattle to Portland bike ride on Saturday) My mom isnt into heights so she doesnt like hiking if your going up a mountain. Theres also no way that she would ride 200 miles in one day.

They also have a lot of things in common. For example, they like to go to plays and partys.

You need to have some differences so that your not spending every second with eachother and some things that are similar so you have stuff to do together.
 
You need to fidn someone you can go out and do things with, or holds similar interests with. Believe me, I hate watching sappy ****ing movies with a girl. EVERY romatnic comedy is practically the same anymore. So when my ex would drag me to one I'd want to strangle her. Yet I never made her go see any good movies (Sin City, etc).

So, make sure you have similar interests as the person you're seeing.
 
I am young (18). I realize chances are it won't work out. But I'm not a fan of pointless relationships either. Neither of us was looking for anyone, we were acquaintences and we just clicked randomly about a month ago. He works as a cook at a restaurant, and he usually opens, so I don't get to see him much. Usually when he's free it's ver late, 11pm. So we can't rely on the physical stuff. He is older than me (22), but it's not like I didn't know him before. I know we feel the same way about each other. I'm thinkig no matter what, this will be a good learning experience. I love being with him. He gives me that complete feeling- you know how when you're alone you feel whole, but when you find that right person you feel like you must have been missing something before? I know though I'll change over the years. To me, I just wanted to know if we had the possibility of going for the long haul despite our differences. Just a possibility. I've had one other serious relationship, he's had 1 as well.
 
celebrian23 said:
I am young (18). I realize chances are it won't work out. But I'm not a fan of pointless relationships either. Neither of us was looking for anyone, we were acquaintences and we just clicked randomly about a month ago. He works as a cook at a restaurant, and he usually opens, so I don't get to see him much. Usually when he's free it's ver late, 11pm. So we can't rely on the physical stuff. He is older than me (22), but it's not like I didn't know him before. I know we feel the same way about each other. I'm thinkig no matter what, this will be a good learning experience. I love being with him. He gives me that complete feeling- you know how when you're alone you feel whole, but when you find that right person you feel like you must have been missing something before? I know though I'll change over the years. To me, I just wanted to know if we had the possibility of going for the long haul despite our differences. Just a possibility. I've had one other serious relationship, he's had 1 as well.
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Girlie, you're 18. Which, this may sound rude, but it's true, you don't know ****. And you won't until you hit around 24 or 25 when you start really finding yourself and what you're looking for. That doesn't mean you should discount your feelings now, and it sounds like old-man B.S., but it's true. You aren't the same person at 24 that you are at 18. You're not the same person at 21 that you are at 18. My advice, get rid of him and find someone you can enjoy spending time with, whether it's at home or out in the world. It'll make things SO much easier.
 
I have always seen the idea of opposites attracting to be like settling for someone with whom you have nothing in common, just because. My wife and I do have some differences, but we're far from opposites. I think if we were opposites, it'd just be one conflict after another.
 
celebrian23 said:
I am young (18). I realize chances are it won't work out. But I'm not a fan of pointless relationships either. Neither of us was looking for anyone, we were acquaintences and we just clicked randomly about a month ago. He works as a cook at a restaurant, and he usually opens, so I don't get to see him much. Usually when he's free it's ver late, 11pm. So we can't rely on the physical stuff. He is older than me (22), but it's not like I didn't know him before. I know we feel the same way about each other. I'm thinkig no matter what, this will be a good learning experience. I love being with him. He gives me that complete feeling- you know how when you're alone you feel whole, but when you find that right person you feel like you must have been missing something before? I know though I'll change over the years. To me, I just wanted to know if we had the possibility of going for the long haul despite our differences. Just a possibility. I've had one other serious relationship, he's had 1 as well.
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You're young and you have plenty of time. Why worry right now? Go explore more :) This guy may not be the right one for you but you have plenty of time!
 
opposites may attract, but sameness endures.

and FWIW, social psychology research tells us quite clearly that people generally are attracted to those they are similar to, not their opposites.
 
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