Critique my Business Letter? Please?

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by CalPoly10, Jul 17, 2008.

  1. CalPoly10 macrumors regular

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2006
    #1
    I am writing a letter to a man I met roughly 7 months ago. He is a very, very successful investor (hedge-fund manageer), and that is a field I want to enter after college. I met him through a very close family friend. Tell me what you think. Thanks.

    Dear Mr. Blow,
    My name is XXX, and I am currently studying Industrial Engineering at XXX in California. I had the privilege of meeting you (along with your boys) 8 months ago while attending a XXX basketball game with Mr. XYZ.

    After talking briefly about sports and school, we discussed investing, your field of expertise. Your industry is one that has fascinated me, and I hope to enter the venture capital field after college. I do study it in my spare time.

    My father gave me $400 to invest when I was 12 years old. From that point, I became enthralled with investing, and studying the myriad of investment vehicles. I have friends who give me money to invest. I read the periodicals daily and have established a keen sense of predicting where the puck is going, rather than where it has been. I would jump at the opportunity to move to New York to work on Wall Street, and earn my way up through the ranks with the goal of one day opening my own business.

    As with all studied professions, one must seek a mentor to help obtain these lofty goals. Although I do not know you personally, I wish to seek your advice on how to achieve my goal. You are without question the most experienced individual I have met in this field. I do not mean to be presumptuous, but I will not miss opportunity for guidance from such a successful investor such as yourself (Mr. XYZ spoke very highly of your insight and successes).

    Would you have the time and willingness to communicate with me over the next few years as I finish my education and continue my goal of a career on Wall Street? Such insights from you would be most helpful.

    Sincerely,

    Me
     
  2. iShater macrumors 604

    iShater

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2002
    Location:
    Chicagoland
    #2
    Pretty well written.

    I would be curious to hear of input of others who might be in the specific field to see how people might respond to it.
     
  3. CalPoly10 thread starter macrumors regular

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2006
    #3
    Yeah, we'll see what the response is. I really hope it's a good one...
     
  4. gentlegiantcrai macrumors regular

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2007
    #4
    Just one thing is the abbreviations for your school shouldn't be there. If it is USF then it should be spelled out University of South Florida, just so the investor knows exactly what your referring too. Only a suggestion, otherwise it seems like a good letter.

    Edit: You could be spelling it out but XXX seems like a 3-letter abbreviation for the School.
     
  5. r1ch4rd macrumors 6502a

    r1ch4rd

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2005
    Location:
    Manchester UK
    #5
    I would possibly change a few small things, but you may well disagree.

     

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