everyone's screwed up in their own way. even parents. just don't let them win, bud. firing back at them always makes things worse. when they arc up, just ignore it, bottle it up. remember, you'll be at college soon. once you live by yourself for a while, they'll start to treat you more like an adult. me and my father's own relationship has gotten far better now that i live on my own. maybe your parents living on their own will see its not you that causes the arguments and your mum and dad will have to start sorting things out on their own...
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Dealing with parents. I can't continue. I'm lost.
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it's not always the kids, fault. i had a pretty harmless and happy childhood, but i have seen much, much worse with some of my friends. everyone's screwed up in some way. i'm yet to find the "perfect" person in this world.
One thing you mentioned is that you want to find a way to deal with this because you love them and want to have a good relationship with them.
You may well find that your relationship to them changes (= improves) when you're an adult and out of the house, even if you don't find a solution for the situation you're in now. Since you say they've grounded you, I'm assuming you're not 18 yet. It's their house, and their rules. If it was their car, it's their rules as well (unless it actually is something where you WERE in the right, like a traffic rule etc). Just because you argue a lot now doesn't mean you won't have a good relationship with them in a very few years.
In the meantime, I think ntrigue's advice on how to respond was really good (I've made a little change):
But be critical of how you say things, as well. Do you raise your voice? Are you sarcastic? How do you phrase it when you're accusing them of something? You need to be unfailingly polite, even if they aren't. Otherwise you're only adding fuel to the fire. You need to be honest about anything you may be doing to escalate the situation.
This advice comes from someone who remembers arguing with her parents when she was 17, but who now has a very good relationship with them. And I'm the mother of a 17-soon-to-be-18-yr-old as well. Our difficult discussions go much better if we both try to stay calm enough to make it clear that we are listening to the other one, even if we don't agree. Disagreement does not have to equal a fight.
You may well find that your relationship to them changes (= improves) when you're an adult and out of the house, even if you don't find a solution for the situation you're in now. Since you say they've grounded you, I'm assuming you're not 18 yet. It's their house, and their rules. If it was their car, it's their rules as well (unless it actually is something where you WERE in the right, like a traffic rule etc). Just because you argue a lot now doesn't mean you won't have a good relationship with them in a very few years.
In the meantime, I think ntrigue's advice on how to respond was really good (I've made a little change):
When the temperature is rising in a situation where you feel reasonably sure you're in the right, you can try to detach yourself from the emotional aspect of the "conversation". Tell yourself "He's mad right now, but I don't have to be". Just because they're riled up doesn't mean you have to go there. That will help them calm down, too.
But be critical of how you say things, as well. Do you raise your voice? Are you sarcastic? How do you phrase it when you're accusing them of something? You need to be unfailingly polite, even if they aren't. Otherwise you're only adding fuel to the fire. You need to be honest about anything you may be doing to escalate the situation.
This advice comes from someone who remembers arguing with her parents when she was 17, but who now has a very good relationship with them. And I'm the mother of a 17-soon-to-be-18-yr-old as well. Our difficult discussions go much better if we both try to stay calm enough to make it clear that we are listening to the other one, even if we don't agree. Disagreement does not have to equal a fight.
OH! I forgot to mention one of my favorite situation manipulators!
If a situation arrises where you or somebody has done something wrong, turn it into something funny! Well sort of. Not so much funny as light hearted.
Mom: "YOU FORGOT TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME!!!"
YOU: "Did I? Hah, look at me, what a clutz, can you believe it? Someone here's got early-onset alzheimer's"
But no, no, alzheimer's isn't funny. Bad! Bad YOU!
And if you have something to say to THEM, do the same.
YOU: "Oh dad, hah, guess who left me at the bus stop in the pouring rain again"
Dad: "boy I'm only going to ask you this once. Are you on drugs?"
See? It all works out, trust me. You make them feel awkward because they're shouting and you're having a light conversation. Subconsciously they'll switch gears and cool down.
If a situation arrises where you or somebody has done something wrong, turn it into something funny! Well sort of. Not so much funny as light hearted.
Mom: "YOU FORGOT TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME!!!"
YOU: "Did I? Hah, look at me, what a clutz, can you believe it? Someone here's got early-onset alzheimer's"
But no, no, alzheimer's isn't funny. Bad! Bad YOU!
And if you have something to say to THEM, do the same.
YOU: "Oh dad, hah, guess who left me at the bus stop in the pouring rain again"
Dad: "boy I'm only going to ask you this once. Are you on drugs?"
See? It all works out, trust me. You make them feel awkward because they're shouting and you're having a light conversation. Subconsciously they'll switch gears and cool down.
Wouldn't work with my parents, you're just going to annoy them more because you're not taking what they're saying seriously. I think that's really bad advice the majority of the time actually.
I'm 21, normally live away from home before but after an unexpected early return from a foreign country I'm back home until I get through the horrible business of flat hunting.
My brother's 17. He's an absolute arse 90% of the time. I'm not saying that you are too OP, but from observing his battles with my parents I've got to say one of the stupidest things he does is argue back. You might think you're right, but here's the thing, you're probably not. (if you're anything like my brother when it comes to driving you're probably seriously in the wrong, my palms start to sweat when I go anywhere near his car) My 15 year old sister is not quite as much of an arse, more your typical hormonal 15 year old girl, but she also makes the mistake of never ever just letting it go (she'll hold a grudge for days - my parents and I find this very amusing until eventually one of them snaps and tells her to get a grip)
Either way, it's extremely unlikely that you're going to win. Keep your head down, keep quiet and acquiesce. At least that way you won't make it worse. That was always my policy when my parents rounded on me.
That did it for me, too. Smug adults that think that because they're older, they're so much smarter. True, they are wiser and have more life experience because they're older, but this shows me blatantly, that your parents don't value your opinions on a topic, and it's just because you're young. Thank God that you're moving soon, as that just frustrates me unbelievably.
How did you get a hold of my memories? I know 100%, 100% how you feel right now.
Your parents are the primary authority figures in your life and they expect you to respect that fact. I say this to point out that when you argue with them about something the situation changes from just being about the facts under debate to being about your disrespect and arguing. You have to understand that this is how parents think. Basically, this means that arguing with them will almost never produce the desired results you are seeking.
The good thing is that it takes two to argue and you can control your own actions thereby taking one of these parties out of the equation. The key to a positive relationship with your parent's is consistent communication and choosing your battles wisely.
Take a look at this other thread and my post (#12) there for additional comments on how to communicate and avoid arguing.
https://forums.macrumors.com/threads/747729/ - Sorry for linking, but it's a lot of info and I'd rather not repeat it.
The good thing is that it takes two to argue and you can control your own actions thereby taking one of these parties out of the equation. The key to a positive relationship with your parent's is consistent communication and choosing your battles wisely.
Take a look at this other thread and my post (#12) there for additional comments on how to communicate and avoid arguing.
https://forums.macrumors.com/threads/747729/ - Sorry for linking, but it's a lot of info and I'd rather not repeat it.
Honoring your parents involves never disagreeing with them and not standing up to them when they're being unreasonable and nasty? No. If we're to take the OP at his word (that these arguments progress the way he says they do), the problem is not of his causing and it's presumptuous of you to say so.
What are you even talking about? This doesn't have to do with rules. It has to do with two parents whose arguments consistently devolve into screaming and ageism. The OP seems quite even-headed and empathetic based on the original post.
What if he isn't wrong? Sure, he has to pick his battles, but I see no reason to lie. I respect my parents greatly and they respect me. If they're being impolite and rude towards me I have the stones to stand up to it and tell them they're being rude without any love being lost. Seems like you advocate just being a pathetic, submissive child.
FWIW, I tend to think the OP is being mostly truthful and is not misrepresenting the situation because of his mentioning that his mom says "You're going to let a kid tell you what's right?" That tells me the parents are the ones with the problem, not the child. My parents wouldn't pull that **** with me, and the parents who would say something like that are probably more likely to needlessly argue and be verbally aggressive.
I fought with my father in a similar way as you described when I was your age, except my dad was an alcoholic and it often came to physical confrontation. Everyone has these problems, someone always has it worse so count your blessings. Btw don't punch a hole in the wall/door, it takes a lot longer to repair then it is worth.
Sounds like we've got a reality show in the making here. How about we call it "Child Swap"? You can go live with his parent's for a week and he goes to live with yours. Unles you think you can "fix" his parents in less than 7 days. I'm sure it will all work out in the end and you can both make some cash in the process.
@InTheNet
Yes, obviously he should respect his parents, and do what he's told, but they need to respect him too, and it doesn't sound like they do. Which is completely wrong.
You should honor your parents. That doesn't mean that the child is the parent's punching bag, and the child isn't allowed to have an opinion. Just because they are parent's, it does not mean they are the sum of infinite knowledge. They often can be very wrong.
Yes, obviously he should respect his parents, and do what he's told, but they need to respect him too, and it doesn't sound like they do. Which is completely wrong.
You should honor your parents. That doesn't mean that the child is the parent's punching bag, and the child isn't allowed to have an opinion. Just because they are parent's, it does not mean they are the sum of infinite knowledge. They often can be very wrong.