Family issue...

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by ProjectManager101, Sep 29, 2016.

  1. ProjectManager101 Suspended

    ProjectManager101

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2015
    #1
    Ok, I do not know where to post this or how to go over so I feel I may share it here and see if there is someone with some good view. Please, I would ask you not to make a comment just because you feel like it, unless you have the experience do not make a comment.

    I stopped talking to my mother since March probably. It felt bad at first but I am in a point where I do not care and I have been feeling very relaxed and focussed in my life, less anxiety. I haven't spoke to my older sister nor my brother even I am ok with him. My dad died and we were so close.

    The issue with my mom I realized is that she is too dumb, she has this narcissistic behavior, she is always talking about peace and love and she is very nice to every one but she ignores me and she sort of want everybody to depend on her. My older brother is in his 40's but behaves like a 14 year old boy, he never succeed in anything and for my mom he is always first. He got married at 41 and when he proposed my mother told me I had to leave the house because I was going to move in with his wife. But it was years later that I realized my mom liked to have us into conflicts.

    My older sister hates me because when I was born I was actually a really cute girl and it seems my mom used to compared us. What my mom did was to give her more rights in torn family issues so I realized that my mom never move a finger without asking my sister and even, when I have a boyfriend he has to be approved by my sister.

    So my life was an story of trying to fit in and being accepted, I was never good enough and when I realized all those games after a load of therapies I made the comments to my mom. But she didn't want to change or realized anything, she didn't want to face how much she was hurting me. That my mom was my sister who always had something bad to say to me. On my birthday on February I went to her house to blow my cake, I brought my cake and as a present she gave me a bunch of pills for attention deficit! Is not that "I had it", it was like "more of the same". Out of us 3 I am the one who makes the most money, my brother depends on his wife and my sister from her husband. I am the only one single and with my own company, oh... and without heritage! they took it and wasted it all.

    Still.... Christmas is coming. I do not give a damn about my mom. I am thinking in going to Hawaii in December to visit a good old friend. I just still thinking... what am I doing is the right thing? Am I going to regret it? I just feel so good, the last time I spoke to my mom she told me my sister had a car accident and she was in bed and I was like... what ever!

    Thank you.
    Rigo.png
     
  2. mobilehaathi macrumors G3

    mobilehaathi

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2008
    Location:
    The Anthropocene
    #2
    Spending a holiday break with a friend in Hawaii sounds far superior than putting up with emotionally abusive relatives.

    You'll only regret it if you let yourself regret it!
     
  3. mscriv, Sep 30, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2016

    mscriv macrumors 601

    mscriv

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2008
    Location:
    Dallas, Texas
    #3
    The only person you can control in life is yourself. That means every relationship you have, family included, is what you make of it. Don't do things because you hope for or expect some kind of response. Make choices because that is what you want to do. I'm not talking about being selfish here, I'm talking about doing something because you have decided that is the kind of person you want to be. Show kindness, be humble, put others needs before your own, and strive to be the best version of yourself that you can be. When relationships are negative or toxic focus on maintaining healthy boundaries and most importantly forgive. Forgiveness doesn't mean you set yourself up for failure or act like nothing ever happened. Reconciliation may not be possible, but forgiveness is always possible. Don't let someone else's actions keep you in a prison of bitterness, anger, resentment, and pain. Forgiveness and grace free you from those things and allow you to move on from the experience.
     
  4. kch50428 macrumors 6502

    kch50428

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2015
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    North Iowa
    #4
    Crowd sourced family therapy is futile. Seek professional help.
     
  5. Scepticalscribe Contributor

    Scepticalscribe

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2008
    Location:
    The Far Horizon
    #5
    Excellent advice from you both.

    Very well said, and well put, @mscriv. Sane, sensible, solid, intelligent and thoughtful advice - well worth heeding, if possible.
     
  6. yaxomoxay macrumors 68000

    yaxomoxay

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2010
    Location:
    Texas
    #6
    I certainly can't give you any professional help, but let me tell you that in the past two years I decided to cut ties with anyone that I considered negative in any sort of way, and this includes pessimists. Unfortunately, 1.5 yrs ago my parents did something unacceptable, and I cut ties with them. Completely, zero relationship with them since then.
    Life is way too short to follow the troubles of other people, I already have enough problems on my own. While I am not for a "one strike and you're out" policy I have to recognize that there is a breaking point in any relationship.
    Let me tell you that since I have followed this way of eliminating people from my life, everything got better. Much much better.

    It's your Christmas break, you're supposed to be happy and feel happy, and relax. You work/study/struggle 360 days a year, don't waste those five deserved days on a toxic environment.
     
  7. mscriv macrumors 601

    mscriv

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2008
    Location:
    Dallas, Texas
    #7
    Thank you kindly. I only play a therapist on the internet because, well, I am one in real life. :D

    Occupational hazard I guess. ;)

    Human interaction is never "futile". Of course when one chooses an open and public forum for such things there are going to be positive and negative as wall as educational and ignorant responses. If once can keep that in mind and be discerning then it is possible to learn and grow through these kinds of exchanges.
     
  8. yaxomoxay macrumors 68000

    yaxomoxay

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2010
    Location:
    Texas
    #8
    You should've not admitted that. You're going to be flooded with requests for counseling ;)
     
  9. Scepticalscribe Contributor

    Scepticalscribe

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2008
    Location:
    The Far Horizon
    #9
    He has already long admitted it.

    Just take a look at - or read - the rather tiny font that comprises @mscriv's signature at the bottom of every post he writes.
     
  10. yaxomoxay macrumors 68000

    yaxomoxay

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2010
    Location:
    Texas
    #10
    Cool, I didn't notice! ;)
     
  11. A.Goldberg macrumors 68000

    A.Goldberg

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2015
    Location:
    Boston
    #11
    I'm sure you've been told many times you can't control others, only yourself and the ways you react to others. We don't pick our relatives, but how much we interact with them is our decision. Obviously you realize some separation from the tanglement of family drama is best for you. I don't think it's selfish, especially since it sounds like you'd be more than willing to spend time with them if they were healthy to be around. I say go on your vacation, enjoy your time, a holiday is just a day, you can see your family another time.

    My mother drives me crazy. She's your neurotic, child promoting, overcomoetative, Jewish mother. As a result, I can only tolerate her for about 24hrs before my blood starts to boil. As a result, I limit my interactions to short periods of time.

    You should be happy that you have been able to distance yourself from what you describe as dysfunctional situation. It also sounds like you've been successful despite it. That's not an easy thing to do, so I commend you on that. It's your life, allow yourself to be happy. Keep up connections with your family as you feel obligated to (and you will on some level). Shutting them out entirely won't make you content, you'll probably feel guilty, so find the balance.

    Best of luck, especially though the holidays. I hate the holiday season... not to sound like a Screwge.
     
  12. ProjectManager101 thread starter Suspended

    ProjectManager101

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2015
    #12
    Thank you. Yes, it drains me (or used to) to wanting to fit in but I didn't realize that is what I was doing. My mom is just fine with her life, my sister is telling her not to contact me because "I should respect the family". My sister has a husband that is always cheating on her and my 10 year old nephew is with psychologist already, no wonder; but "she knows best". And I have been talking to some people in common, they are saying that I have to talk to my mom and I say "but if I am just fine!" And she is not in bed having strokes for losing me, she still playing tennis. Life is so strange, kicking my mom out is not in the Bible. Any way. Thank you.
     
  13. Possumgal macrumors member

    Possumgal

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2015
    Location:
    N. Central Arkansas
    #13
    What is in the Bible is the admonition to get along with everyone "so much as ye are able." That means God recognizes that there are some people you just can't get along with because they don't want to get along with anyone. You don't have to put up with them, family or not. More damage can be done by family members than others, because we sit there and take stuff from family we wouldn't put up with if it were anyone else. You're allowed your freedom and peace of mind.
     

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