Resolved Friend getting married, clearly a mistake.. what to do?

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by cr2sh, May 21, 2012.

?

What should cr2sh do?

  1. Keep his mouth shut.

    28 vote(s)
    58.3%
  2. Be more aggressive with his point.

    20 vote(s)
    41.7%
  1. cr2sh, May 21, 2012
    Last edited: May 23, 2012

    cr2sh macrumors 68030

    cr2sh

    Joined:
    May 28, 2002
    Location:
    downtown
    #1
    This is an interesting situation, I'd like to hear to thoughts on it.

    One of my best friends has been seeing a girl for about two years. Since the beginning of the relationship he's tried to break up with her a few times, she's always managed to be 'good' for long enough to talk him out of it.. and on and on it goes. He's told me many times that he's not happy, but he's the nicest guy I've ever met and doesn't have the nerve to break up with her. I think he is, sometimes, happy with the relationship and sees the glass half full, and I'm seeing it 2/3 empty I think.

    He called me tonight to ask me to perform the wedding ceremony in two weeks (I'm an ordained minister who is licensed by the state to do such things). I told him several times, I think it's a bad idea and he really needs to rethink it.. especially on such short notice.

    His counter-point on it was very interesting.. I'll summarize it:

    "Look, I figure if I'm going to make a mistake, it might as well be a cheap mistake.. so we'll have a small ceremony with you. She's not going to do anything bad enough for me to break up with her in the next year.. so I might as well go through with it now.. it (marriage) is going to happen eventually anyways."

    Again.. kind of the half glass full kind of mentality. I was very clear, I think it's a bad idea.. he seems insistent on it and in the end I told him he's my friend, I'll do it if he asks me to.

    In the back of my mind thinking of kidnapping him with a bunch of our buddies, taking him out in the woods and beating some sense into him. What do you guys think? Do I bite my tongue and go through with something I know is doomed for failure or do I be more aggressive with my point?

    Couple other notes:

    1. Her mom and other relatives are all alcoholics, her dad died in a drug related shooting.. she has a lot of 'back pain' and takes medication 'for it.' I think it's nonsense and that she is also an addict.
    2. In their latest fight he told her she was 'fat and lazy' and that he no longer had the desire to have sex with her. This is the truth coming out.
    3. He's talking about having kids with her pretty soon already.
     
  2. dukebound85 macrumors P6

    dukebound85

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2005
    Location:
    5045 feet above sea level
    #2
    You have conveyed your concerns.

    Whether he acts on them or not, it is his choice, not yours.

    It is his life.
     
  3. thatoneguy82 macrumors 68000

    thatoneguy82

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2008
    Location:
    Beach Cities, CA
    #3
    I've been in your situation twice, a friend and my brother. Both times, I kept my mouth shut. Your situation, however, is different. I wasn't asked to get involved in it. You being the officiant of the wedding need to be willingly marry these, according to your beliefs. Especially since you are an ordained minister and not just an officer of the court where you have to follow to rule of law.

    In any case, my now sister-in-law of 5 years is no longer the same woman that she was when they were dating. They have 2 girls together. They're happy. My brother is happy, and honestly that's all I care about. I have 2 beautiful nieces who love me and think the world of me. Sure, my sister-in-law and I definitely have an awkward relationship, probably because of whatever feelings I harbor. But, I'm glad I never said anything 5 years ago because of great things worked out. It's not my decision how his life should go.

    The situation with my friend with my however was a bit more difficult one, but I don't think it will offer anymore clarity on this one. But suffice it to say, I also held back any advice to her.

    I tell my friends that they can always come to me for any relationship advice and they do frequently. However, I never go to them to offer unsolicited advice. Since this may be a big life altering event, I would consider asking another person close to him, like a sister/family member, to get a bigger perspective.
     
  4. Gav2k macrumors G3

    Gav2k

    Joined:
    Jul 24, 2009
    #4
    But your nose out and leave them to it! It's not your mistake to make!
     
  5. InvalidUserID macrumors 6502a

    InvalidUserID

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2008
    Location:
    Palo Alto, CA
    #5
    This.

    You've said your peace, now be a good friend and support him. I'm sure in your lifetime you've made a mistake and a friend stuck with you.
     
  6. ucfgrad93 macrumors P6

    ucfgrad93

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2007
    Location:
    Colorado
    #6
    Given the above statement, your friend does not have the proper mindset to have a healthy or happy marriage. I would refuse to perform the ceremony.
     
  7. thekev macrumors 604

    thekev

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2010
    #7
    Nice sounds like it means weak this time. I don't understand why anyone would wish to escalate a bad relationship, especially when he doesn't even sound that into the girl.
     
  8. -aggie- macrumors P6

    -aggie-

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  9. cr2sh thread starter macrumors 68030

    cr2sh

    Joined:
    May 28, 2002
    Location:
    downtown
    #9
    Please note, while I am an ordained minister.. it's one of those online ordainments, I just took it further and got licensed by the state. I can legally solemnize marriages, but I have no religious (or moral :)) training. Hence the question.
     
  10. Orange Furball macrumors 65816

    Orange Furball

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    Location:
    Scranton, PA, USA
    #10
    What's more important to you? The risk of loosing this friend or the risk of having to deal with him being unhappy for a little while? No matter what they will get married. Whether it be with your help or not. So save your relationship with him and do the ceremony.
     
  11. RedReplicant macrumors 6502a

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2010
    #11
    As someone who was in his position and is now getting divorced... he knows he is ****ing up, nothing you can do is going to stop it.
     
  12. chrono1081 macrumors 604

    chrono1081

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2008
    Location:
    Isla Nublar
    #12
    Just wait for the "I told you so" in a few years.

    I'm 30 and have had three divorced friends and 5 divorced aquaintences since I was 27.

    Too many people bow to societies pressure of getting married right out of college.
     
  13. MovieCutter macrumors 68040

    MovieCutter

    Joined:
    May 3, 2005
    Location:
    Washington, DC
    #13
    Couldn't disagree with this more. A real friend would say their piece and let their concerns known. If the friend doesn't take the advice of a friend over the abuse of a future wife, then he's not worth keeping around and doesn't value your concern. Refuse to perform the ceremony on the grounds that you're looking out for his best interests. When he realizes he screwed up he'll come back to you if you're really friends.
     
  14. Carlanga macrumors 604

    Carlanga

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2009
    #14
    This story reminded me of Seinfeld when George was about to get married...
     
  15. Abstract macrumors Penryn

    Abstract

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    Dec 27, 2002
    Location:
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    #15
    There's no correct way to be wrong, and there's no correct way to live life. You have stated your concerns, and he has heard them.

    He has made his decision. You are his friend. Do the ceremony.

    Just because he chooses to get married, does not mean he believes you're wrong. He may agree with you and want to go through with it anyway.
     
  16. MovieCutter macrumors 68040

    MovieCutter

    Joined:
    May 3, 2005
    Location:
    Washington, DC
    #16
    That's like helping a friend shoot himself in the foot, hoping he learns his lesson. STOP HIM!
     
  17. cr2sh thread starter macrumors 68030

    cr2sh

    Joined:
    May 28, 2002
    Location:
    downtown
    #17
    Yeh, that's kind of the analogy I came to.. if a friend of mine wanted to jump off a roof because he thought he had to climb down anyway, I'd tell him he was an idiot and stop him.

    I've contacted an attorney friend of mine and asked her to send over a prenup, at the very least I'm going to insist he has a parachute before he jumps.

    There's been a lot of good advice here so far.
     
  18. chrono1081 macrumors 604

    chrono1081

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2008
    Location:
    Isla Nublar
    #18
    Id just like to say some people you just can't help.

    A friend of mine is in an extremely abusive relationship with a literally crazy woman. He's a big guy but its nothing to see him covered in bruises from where his psycho girlfriend pounds on him.

    She does things like throw his stuff out of the window onto the sidewalk if he isn't where he says he will be at the time he tells her (or more often, she tells him).

    He never hangs out and isn't allowed to have any friends because she says so. (Although in reality, its because he LETS her say so).

    She threatened him with violence and destroying his stuff if he didn't get her a wedding ring before his sister got one from her boyfriend. (He sold his motorcycle to get one.)

    There is a list of stories a MILE long I could tell you here but I won't in the interest of time but some people just either don't want to be helped, or ignore all outside advice.

    His grandparents even told him not to invite them anywhere when she's around after she stood up in the middle of a restaurant and screamed at everyone accusing them of stealing her stuff (when obviously no one can get into her apartment.)

    Hopefully your friends girlfriend isn't anything like that but honestly I think some people just like to be unhappy :/

    EDIT: I forgot, on a side note this girls ex boyfriend tried to have her arrested after she pounded on the hood of his brand new mercedes with her rings leaving dents. She also scraped her rings down the hood of it.
     
  19. Face Ache macrumors regular

    Face Ache

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2011
    Location:
    Oz
    #19
    Can you get him a vasectomy too?
     
  20. Hastings101, May 21, 2012
    Last edited: May 21, 2012

    Hastings101 macrumors 68010

    Hastings101

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2010
    Location:
    K
    #20
    Cr2sh should keep his filthy mouth shut. :p

    Really though, just let your friend deal with this problem on his own. You've told your friend that you're concerned but obviously he isn't.
     
  21. Abstract macrumors Penryn

    Abstract

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2002
    Location:
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    #21

    Yes, but the analogy is poor. ;)

    Under no circumstances should a person do something like, for example, shoot himself in the foot to get rid of an itch, or electrocute themselves because they have a headache.

    On the other hand, marrying a girl that you don't like, and he's not sure of, isn't insane. It's stupid, and your friend is stupid, but it's his right to make stupid choices.

    Personally, I think arranged marriages are stupid. Doing "hard" drugs is senseless, and absolutely pointless. Scientology is crazy, too. I think they're all stupid, and I'd strongly express my displeasure
    of their stupidity whenever I got a chance, but only Scientology is something I'd deem "insane" for believing in.


    You've had the talk. You've done your part. Go support your friend's idiotic decision, or at least don't do anything to sabotage it.
     
  22. maflynn Moderator

    maflynn

    Staff Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2009
    Location:
    Boston
    #22
    Its his life, you need to let him live it. You try to interfere and you risk damaging your friendship.

    He seems intent on on wanting to get married and its not your place to stop it.

    The shooting yourself in the foot is a bad analogy,as a friend you've communicated that its a poor choice in your eyes. There are things that you are not privy too and he's opted for this based on his good or bad judgement. We all learn by making mistakes. The bad analogy but is that we are not allowing him to maim himself but make a life decision.
     
  23. Dagless macrumors Core

    Dagless

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    Fighting to stay in the EU
    #23
    Nothing really to contribute but I really enjoyed reading that.

    Let us know how it pans out!

    If it was one of my closest friends getting married to someone bad for them, I'd definitely hammer it home. I'd expect my friends to do the same for me.
     
  24. iJohnHenry macrumors P6

    iJohnHenry

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2008
    Location:
    On tenterhooks
    #24
    If I could see the future, it might be "Why did you marry us????"

    Ask him to get someone else to officiate, and just attend.

    You don't need that potential guilt in your life.
     
  25. maflynn Moderator

    maflynn

    Staff Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2009
    Location:
    Boston
    #25
    True, but in the end, its the friend's decision. There's a difference in hammering it home and trying to stop it.
     

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