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Girl troubles... (don't hate)

T

TaterToT

macrumors 6502
Original poster
Sep 16, 2009
461
0
OK
Hey guys, bare with me, this might be kind of long.

I knew this girl for a while and then we sort of hooked up at a party... yes I know that's a terrible way to start a relationship but continued talking after that and we started dating. Everything was great for about 8 or so months, we did everything together and had a lot of fun. Then everything started to go down hill.

I have a friend who is a girl and we really are just friends and every time I said I was going to be hanging out with her (we didn't even hang out alone, we hung out with other people) she would flip out and get mad at me and "break up with me." I can't really talk though because I would get mad at her when she would go out with her skanky friends to parties.

So things were pretty rough the last couple of months but we stayed together because we did care about eachother but obviously had trust issues. Then around a month and a half ago she broke up with me because she "needed time to be single and focus on herself" which I knew that was just a lame excuse because I've heard it before from other girls. So I was pretty depressed for a while and I blocked her number and all that drama and then someone told me she was dating someone else. (like 3 days after we had broken up...) I went on her Facebook and saw that it was some guy from her new job that she had started about a week before we broke up... suspicious?

So I just forget about it and moved on but then last week while on vacation with my family she called me from a number I didn't know and I answered it and she was yelling at me because apparently I had been "talking bad about her" (which I hadn't even mentioned her name since we broke up). Then the next day she has her friend tell me to unblock her number because she had something important to tell me or some bull so I unblock her and she texts me telling me to call her because she needed to apologize so I said I would call her later that night.

I called her and she said she apologized for calling me and yelling at me and then she was saying she wasn't over me and that she didn't feel the same way she felt about me with her current boyfriend and she said she loved me and wanted me back and that everything reminded her of me and she thought about me all the time blahblahblah. She also said that she had been logging on her friend's Facebook and looking at mine like every day... creepy much? We started talking about old times and I fell into the trap and wanted her back too. Over the next few days we texted a little bit while I was still on vacation and we talked about getting back together and what we needed to change in the relationship to make it work better this time around and everything was going fine except that she was "scared" to get back into our relationship because she didn't know if we would end up fighting again and her current boyfriend was "stable." I asked her why she would want to stay with someone just because they're "stable" instead of being with someone you truly cared about.

I get back in town and ask her if she wants to meet up and talk but she said she couldn't because she had stuff to do so we talked on the phone a little bit and planned to meet up in a couple of days when she was off work. She told me that earlier that day she had talked to her boyfriend and told him she was talking to me again and that she wasn't over me and that she wanted to be with me again. Then she suddenly said I gotta go I'll call you later and hung up before I could even say anything.

Later that night I called her to see what she was doing and just to talk but she ignored my call so I called a few more times and texted her but she didn't respond. I saw on her Facebook a little later that she was hanging out with her boyfriend and I tried calling again to see what was up and she sent me a text telling me to "leave her alone" and "get over her." I was furious because she was the one who called me in the first place about getting back together so I sent her a nasty text back and then she called me an insensitive ******.

Am I missing something here? She called me to get back together and then made me look like an idiot when she denied me... wtf?
I'm not sure if I really miss her or I just miss the feeling of being in love and having someone that you can do anything with and talk to about anything. She was my bestfriend but I don't want to be just friends with her.

I know you guys probably don't give a crap about this haha but can anyone shed some light on the situation? I guess I'm just going to move on again and if she calls with that bullsh again I won't fall for it.
 
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Move on and don't get caught up in the yo-yo drama. She obviously doesn't know what the word "stable" actually means if she's talking to you about leaving her boyfriend yet saying they are stable. Don't be "the other guy". Just focus on yourself and things you want to accomplish. Other girls and other relationships will come along.
 
TaterToT said:
I'm not sure if I really miss her or I just miss the feeling of being in love and having someone that you can do anything with and talk to about anything.
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You hit the nail on the head dude. Trust me, you'll get over it. You need to learn to push down that feeling when you know it's not real. It's natural to miss having something, but don't confuse it for missing the person you've attached that feeling to.
 
mscriv said:
Move on and don't get caught up in the yo-yo drama. She obviously doesn't know what the word "stable" actually means if she's talking to you about leaving her boyfriend yet saying they are stable. Don't be "the other guy". Just focus on yourself and things you want to accomplish. Other girls and other relationships will come along.
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Mr. Pink said:
You hit the nail on the head dude. Trust me, you'll get over it. You need to learn to push down that feeling when you know it's not real. It's natural to miss having something, but don't confuse it for missing the person you've attached that feeling to.
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I figure this is what I need to do and I was just fine before she called me and told me all that stuff. It just kind of brought back a lot of old memories and feelings.
 
TaterToT said:
I'm not sure if I really miss her or I just miss the feeling of being in love and having someone that you can do anything with and talk to about anything. She was my bestfriend but I don't want to be just friends with her.
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Oddly enough, I went through almost the exact same thing, except in my case I broke up with her because of all the drama.

She blocked me (I think around 3 times total now) and would text me saying sorry, then double back on it for her new "fling." Truth is, I should have never put up with the games and just stopped talking to her earlier. She was not a good match for me and it took me too long to figure out.

It was hard to get over her strictly because we did everything together and we were best friends. But I did, and so should you. Move on, find someone that doesn't do the things that she does. Cut the drama, keep the fun.

Your best friend is not your girlfriend.
 
-aggie- said:
It's nice to see the OP got advice from an actual counselor on this site for once.
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I try, but hey, there's only one of me. I can't post in every relationship thread. ;)

And, despite the usual poster who says "don't ask for personal advice on the internet", many times when I come across a thread like this there has been some pretty solid advice/support given by fellow MR users. Life is about sharing your experiences with others, so like the OP said, "don't hate".*

* I'm talking to you, you negative, arrogant dipweeds that feel the need to criticize people's threads without offering anything of benefit to the coversation. You know who you are! :)
 
Xavier said:
Oddly enough, I went through almost the exact same thing, except in my case I broke up with her because of all the drama.

It was hard to get over her strictly because we did everything together and we were best friends. But I did, and so should you. Move on, find someone that doesn't do the things that she does. Cut the drama, keep the fun.

Your best friend is not your girlfriend.
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I disagree on that actually... a relationship wouldn't be serious to me if I didn't feel like she was my girlfriend but also my best friend.
 
mscriv, you're a counselor? Might not want to make that public. I feel the needs of the nerd-nation magnetizing towards you :)

Also, on the idea of your girlfriend being your best friend, I agree with the OP 100%, BUT... your girlfriend of how long? I think if it's borderline fiance, then the best friend thing should be part of the basis for putting that ring on the finger. But don't go around thinking every little relationship should or should not be based on whether or not you consider her your best friend. You should only be able to find one of those.

When you do, Beyonce it up.
 
Mr. Pink said:
mscriv, you're a counselor? Might not want to make that public. I feel the needs of the nerd-nation magnetizing towards you :)

Also, on the idea of your girlfriend being your best friend, I agree with the OP 100%, BUT... your girlfriend of how long? I think if it's borderline fiance, then the best friend thing should be part of the basis for putting that ring on the finger. But don't go around thinking every little relationship should or should not be based on whether or not you consider her your best friend. You should only be able to find one of those.

When you do, Beyonce it up.
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I feel ya and yeah we were together about 10 months (which isn't too long but we were very close)... we talked about marriage sometimes.
 
More to come....

I think it's the feeling you miss and not the person. If it was the person, then you wouldn't mention "drama" when you mention her. We all like the feeling of being desired, needed, etc...it's just natural.

Not to be cynical, but after years of putting everything into relationships only to have them crumble or blow up, I've come to learn that everyone is "replaceable." Same thing goes for work - they might really like you as an employee, but they won't hesitate to let you go if budget cuts are needed, etc.

Relationships are similar - we all hope to find that one person that everything will just mend perfectly, and eventually, you will. But from experience, I can tell you, if she was jealous of your female friend and you of her "skank" friends, then it was only a matter of time before the relationship imploded.

Don't let her keep you on a string and have you hoping that the two of you will be getting back together. She was dating someone new 3 days after breaking up with you...from a job that she started a week prior. Chances are, the same thing happened with them that happened between you - they hooked up and then decided to date.

Cut the ties and move on. Consider it a learning experience and use it to decipher what elements you enjoyed about the relationship, and what elements drove you bonkers. That way, in your next relationship, if you see any of the characteristics that drove you crazy from this relationship, you will be aware of them and either discuss them with that person, or use your gained experience and knowledge and move on to the next relationship.

It may take some time, but you will eventually find the person that is just right for you, and vice versa. But remember, as important as it is to have your life together as a couple, it's still just as important to maintain your separate identities as individuals.
 
bigus7674 said:
I think it's the feeling you miss and not the person. If it was the person, then you wouldn't mention "drama" when you mention her. We all like the feeling of being desired, needed, etc...it's just natural.

Not to be cynical, but after years of putting everything into relationships only to have them crumble or blow up, I've come to learn that everyone is "replaceable." Same thing goes for work - they might really like you as an employee, but they won't hesitate to let you go if budget cuts are needed, etc.

Relationships are similar - we all hope to find that one person that everything will just mend perfectly, and eventually, you will. But from experience, I can tell you, if she was jealous of your female friend and you of her "skank" friends, then it was only a matter of time before the relationship imploded.

Don't let her keep you on a string and have you hoping that the two of you will be getting back together. She was dating someone new 3 days after breaking up with you...from a job that she started a week prior. Chances are, the same thing happened with them that happened between you - they hooked up and then decided to date.

Cut the ties and move on. Consider it a learning experience and use it to decipher what elements you enjoyed about the relationship, and what elements drove you bonkers. That way, in your next relationship, if you see any of the characteristics that drove you crazy from this relationship, you will be aware of them and either discuss them with that person, or use your gained experience and knowledge and move on to the next relationship.

It may take some time, but you will eventually find the person that is just right for you, and vice versa. But remember, as important as it is to have your life together as a couple, it's still just as important to maintain your separate identities as individuals.
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Really good advice, thanks a lot
 
I would definitely just forget about her. There's nothing about her specifically that you need. When the human mind reflects on relationships and on moments where it was telling itself that it is "in love," it has severally compulsive tendencies to latch onto those moments and scream for them back like a small child, but in reality you're here, you're fine, and you'll find someone else. Imagine that you had never met her. It's not hard to do, considering for how short a time you were with this girl.

Immerse yourself in the joy and excitement of being free and the curiosity of wondering who you might find next. It's an exciting mystery now! You could meet your future wife tomorrow! I myself usually feel elated when a relationship ends, even if it was a good one, because if it ended, it means it wasn't meant to be, and now I'm free to search, and there's nothing more exciting than searching.
 
It sounds like it's a "with or without you" sort of thing you guys both have going on ... you don't want to be apart, but you just don't work together.

I dated a guy like that on and off for three years, and I was miserable apart from him ... until I realized I was miserable WITH him, too. It took me a loooong time to realize it doesn't matter how much you care about (even truly love) someone, if you just are basically incompatible. (And it sounds like this girl has other issues, as well ... If I'm reading your post correctly, I'm guessing she isn't ditching the boyfriend, and he saw your texts, and that's why she responded the way she did -- so she didn't look bad.)

I've been with my husband for almost 10 years now (since we met -- been married almost eight years), and you know what? It's EASY. I wish I would have known before I met him that relationships COULD be easy! Lots of drama does not equal passion or excitement, and vice versa :)
 
mscriv said:
And, despite the usual poster who says "don't ask for personal advice on the internet", many times when I come across a thread like this there has been some pretty solid advice/support given by fellow MR users. Life is about sharing your experiences with others, so like the OP said, "don't hate".*

* I'm talking to you, you negative, arrogant dipweeds that feel the need to criticize people's threads without offering anything of benefit to the coversation. You know who you are! :)
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Your Honor may I present to the court Exhibit A...

(marc) said:
To all desperate nerds: take your "problems" elsewhere, nobody here cares.
Thank you!
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Thank you counselor, based on this evidence alone I have come to a decision and the verdict regarding (marc) is.... GUILTY! :eek:
 
Wow...my head hurt just reading that.

Erm...she wasn't calling you to get back together dude. She was calling you to see if she still had you by the balls (if you were still under her spell) and to set you up as a possible backup option when the other dude stops kissing her ass.

Dude grow a pair and leave. Delete her from your life and start dating women that actually want to be with you and not just say it to stroke your ego whilst feeding their power trip.

Think about about it. All she is saying "Hey baby i miss you now that my current bf is acting up and not paying me attention. But i will promptly go back to sexing him once things cool down. In the mean time though, i'll play with you whilst i'm bored"

Wake up and smell the coffee.
 
Sounds like a typical college bimbo lookig for a steady bone with one on the side. Cut all communications and find yourself an honest deserving woman that knows what she wants and is capable at having a mature adult relationship and not play mind games.
 
(marc) said:
+1000. It's unnerving.
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What's so "unnerving" about people asking social/relational questions in the appropriate "community discussion" section of the forum? If you don't like these kinds of discussions then don't click on the thread. It's really not that difficult. Just because it's a Mac forum should every thread be about Mac products? There are different sections of the MR community because the members of the MR community like to discuss more than just mac related stuff.

Why don't you head over to PRSI and tell those members to stop talking about social/political stuff.

Why don't you head over to the marketplace and harass the member's who aren't selling Mac gear.

Why don't you head over to the games section and tell all those Nintendo/PS3/Xbox people to stop posting about those interests.

Why don't you jump into some photography threads and tell those people to take their hobby with them and talk about it elsewhere.

Seriously, in real life do you go up to people and tell them to stop talking about something because you don't think they should be talking about it? The bottom line is that MR is a COMMUNITY. The forum rules are set up to help promote positive interaction and grow the community by asking member's to respect each other. Stop being negative and thinking it's only about you, what you want to talk about, or what rude commentary you want to give. Bashing people for their choice of topic is so arrogant and immature. If you don't have anything nice to say or any way to contribute to the discussion then don't say anything at all.

/rant - sorry everyone I don't usually get snippy with folks, but the OP and others participating in the discussion don't deserve this ridiculousness.
 
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