Hey, look, it's another one of those girl threads...

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by upsguy27, Jan 11, 2010.

  1. upsguy27 macrumors 65816

    upsguy27

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2007
    Location:
    Arizona
    #1
    Well, not exactly. Before I start this off, I just want to tell you guys that I know this isn't the best place to say this, but I just need to tell someone.

    Here goes. Five months ago I found out that my (now obviously ex)girlfriend cheated on me with not one, not two, but three guys over the course of our four-month relationship multiple times. This girl was the first girl I actually trusted completely, and then I discovered that she was a lier and a cheater. This crushed me.

    A month later, I (thought) I was over it. I met a new girl, and we've been dating for three and a half months now. It's been amazing and I love her so much. However...

    I don't know if it's just who I am, or if my ex really screwed me up, but... I get jealous of every little thing my girlfriend does. Literally *everything*. If she even talks to another guy, I get jealous. I can't help it. I overthink everything and assume that her talking to other guys will cause her to start liking them more and she'll break up with me. And even though I know that she would never do it in a million years, I subconsciously imagine her cheating on me. I can't stop myself from doing it.

    I fear that if I complain to her too much about this she'll get tired and break up with me. Did I mention I'm a little bitch? I keep trying to convince myself that she loves me and she would never do that, but I can't help it. I can't. I can't even look at her Facebook page because when I see her having conversations with other guys I get jealous. It's that bad.

    It's not that I want her near me 24/7, I'm okay with not being around her. But, for example, this past weekend she was hanging out with friends (one guy and one girl) for a few hours and I can't help but think that she and the guy... talked. And she starts to like him. And I can't help but feel jealous because they were all together and I should have been there. It literally pains me to think of her hanging out with other guys and having a great old time.

    Maybe it's because I think I'm a loser and have no self-confidence... maybe I think I'm not good enough for her. Or maybe it's because of what my ex did to me... she was the first girl I've really trusted with all my heart and I find out that during the entirety of our relationship she's running behind my back.

    Maybe it's because I overthink things and worry about everything. I tend to do that a lot. I don't know. All I know is this is killing me and I don't want to lose an amazing girl because of my jealousy. Every day is painful for me to see her hanging out or having fun with another guy... even walking with one. And it shouldn't be this way. Please, please, please, someone tell me what I should do. I don't normally post this kind of stuff here, if ever, but I think I've built up enough of a reputation to be able to post this kind of thing. Please, help.
     
  2. thegoldenmackid macrumors 604

    thegoldenmackid

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2006
    Location:
    dallas, texas
    #2
    Put yourself in their shoes, best advice ever. Would you get irritated if she wrote this thread. Or wrote a similar thread about your overprotectiveness?
     
  3. GoCubsGo macrumors Nehalem

    GoCubsGo

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2005
    #3
    The first girl you trust is always the last girl to trust.
    Just sayin'.

    The rest ... tl;dr.
     
  4. itsparks macrumors newbie

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2009
    #4
    ok seriously, WTF, is with guys wining about there lost gf's etc etc, your now x is gone, let it go move on find something better. MY GOD ! Why do MEN do this ? grow up, it happens to every one.!
     
  5. sysiphus macrumors 6502a

    sysiphus

    Joined:
    May 7, 2006
    #5
    Wonderful spelling, punctuation, and grammar aside, my sentiments exactly.

    (With the caveat that I am male, and see it in both genders)
     
  6. anjinha macrumors 604

    anjinha

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2006
    Location:
    San Francisco, CA
    #6
    There's nothing you can do. She could start liking another guy. But you could also start liking another girl. That happens. Is she obsessing about it? No. She's living her life. You should too. You can only hope that if that happens she will be upfront about it and not cheat on you.

    You either trust her or you don't.

    The only thing you can really do is be the best boyfriend you can be.
     
  7. upsguy27 thread starter macrumors 65816

    upsguy27

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2007
    Location:
    Arizona
    #7
    Err... I'm not complaining about a lost girlfriend. I don't want her back... what are you talking about? I'm not 'whining'. I just want some advice.
     
  8. doubleohseven macrumors 6502a

    doubleohseven

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2008
    Location:
    Sydney, Australia
    #8
    Don't worry, you're exactly like me. I too over-think and worry about everything...seriously everything.

    I used to get very jealous when my boyfriend (now ex) talked to other girls through his facebook, and even through his facebook messages (we both had access to each others accounts). He would talk to guys and girls pretty much equally, but the feeling of jealousy just overpowered. Even though he would just say something like 'Hey (name), how's it going?' it would still make me feel jealous...and even insecure at times. I could trust him, but at the end of the day I still felt a little jealous.

    It wasn't until I noticed he was starting to become a little secretive (wasn't talking as much) and he admitted that he started liking someone else, so I dumped his ***. I'm not saying this will happen to you, but we were dating for a while anyway.

    My advice would be to ask her, 'can I trust you?' and basically take it from there. She'll probably sound a bit confused but just get it off your chest and tell her how you feel. Your girlfriend should be the person you can talk to about anything. I recommend you give the facebook account sharing a try, but only when you're ready and when you don't feel that the jealousy affects you as much.
     
  9. jecapaga macrumors 601

    jecapaga

    Joined:
    Jul 1, 2007
    Location:
    Southern California
    #9
    Definitely some truth there.

    I prefer this approach. Can we get a combo of this and what jessica said?

    OP..keep your finances in order. Oh wait...that comes later in the relationship :p
     
  10. upsguy27 thread starter macrumors 65816

    upsguy27

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2007
    Location:
    Arizona
    #10
    I'm so glad somebody else is like me, even if your story has a depressing ending and I'll start to think that'll happen to me. I wish I could just get over this.
     
  11. Zombie Acorn macrumors 65816

    Zombie Acorn

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2009
    Location:
    Toronto, Ontario
    #11
    When you start getting jealous its probably a turn off. You can find a different girl if she cheats on you.
     
  12. anjinha macrumors 604

    anjinha

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2006
    Location:
    San Francisco, CA
    #12
    It's just as likely that she starts liking another guy as you start liking another girl. That's life.
     
  13. rdowns macrumors Penryn

    rdowns

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2003
    #13
    You sound like you're in the early stages of being the guy with several restraining orders from ex-girlfriends.
     
  14. GoCubsGo macrumors Nehalem

    GoCubsGo

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2005
    #14
    I was thinking the very same. The movie Swim Fan came to mind.
     
  15. MacDawg macrumors P6

    MacDawg

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2004
    Location:
    "Between the Hedges"
    #15
    Nothing says "I love you" quite like stalking

    Woof, Woof - Dawg [​IMG]
     
  16. Sdashiki macrumors 68040

    Sdashiki

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2005
    Location:
    Behind the lens
    #16
    together for a few months...wait until youve been with one for years before you think things cant get worse during a breakup.
     
  17. rdowns macrumors Penryn

    rdowns

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2003
    #17

    Great avatar.
     
  18. eawmp1 macrumors 601

    eawmp1

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2008
    Location:
    FL
    #18
    You are scarred for life...youl never have another satisfying relationship with another person...you can only trust you.

    Seriously, I get it. You fell off the proverbial bike (evidently a four-seater), and now are a bit wobbly on what is hopefully a one-seater. This is YOUR issue. However, it makes you very unattractive to others and can lead to some very bad dynamics ("If I can't have you for myself, then NO one can have you...bwahahahahha!"). Live your live and let others live theirs. When you fins someone to share part of your life with, remember, both of you need to have a life outside of each other. If you can't move past your last experience by yourself, consider counselling.
     
  19. MoleSkine macrumors member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2009
    Location:
    New York!
    #19
    OK I just HAD to comment on this one kuz boy oh boy I sure was the jealous type (I'm a girl). I was just like you, everything was giving me suspicion, it didn;t matter who it was, m y mind was going with 100 thoughts, I was going insane, seriosuly it's utterly the worst thing/feelig/monster this jealousy thing. And if I heard him laugh to another girl's joke??? PHH forget it, that would infuriate me more because I would think, oh she's funny and lively and look at me I'm miserable and he will want to be happy and lively with her and not stuck in a room with miserable me. OMG, worst times ever!

    One night we went to a restaurant for some occasion and I was sitting their yet again miserable because I was only consumed about where his eyes were lookign. What girl? Why was he looking at her in particular? Was she taller than me? Did she have blonde hair? He'd asked me to dance and I was so pist at everything I always refused and then I'd see some girl dancing and think ya he'd wanna be with her of course, look she's having a great time.

    In other words, I was pretty actually REALLY bad with this thjing, what I described above doesn't really even tip the iceberg. Then one time, my mother, said to me and it just lifted this thing over me (well it's what started to do it) she said, "N, if he's gonna cheat, he's gonna cheat. There is nothing you can do about it. You may stop him one time, but he'll find a way to do it another time." and this was such a release for me, because it made me realize no matter hwo much I tried to control him and the situation, if this was what he really wanted to do then he'd do it.

    Other things helped me conquer this disgusting awful torture, and of those things also was having self-confidence (which came later in age...I'm mid 20's).
     
  20. Knowlege Bomb macrumors 601

    Knowlege Bomb

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2008
    Location:
    Madison, WI
    #20
    Ditch Facebook. Seriously. It's nothing but trouble.

    But more seriously, getting cheated on is debilitating. It'll take you a good couple years to get past that feeling. It may never pass. You just have to learn to live with it. Be more guarded in the beginning.

    Switch from the "you've given me no reason to not trust you, so I do" mindset to the "I don't know you well enough to trust you, so I don't" mindset.
     
  21. Gelfin macrumors 68020

    Gelfin

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2001
    Location:
    Denver, CO
    #21
    Ain't it the truth?

    Look, OP, you probably need to face up to the fact that five months might not be long enough for you to get over what happened. You haven't so much got baggage as you're still on the trip. Not just that, but you jumped straight into another relationship, and it's been keeping that wound nice and fresh for you by reminding you of it constantly.

    Angel-Gelfin on your right shoulder says it would be easier on both of you to explicitly take some time by yourself to get your head back together. Devil-Gelfin on your left shoulder says this is probably a prolonged rebound anyway, and if you start thinking of it like that, you probably won't care as much.
     
  22. StruckANerve macrumors 6502

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2008
    Location:
    Rio Rancho, NM
    #22
    You are letting your relationships get serious way too fast. You've been dating this girl for 3 and 1/2 months and you already "love her so much"? How old are you? If you're younger than 25 you need to lighten up and realize that you need to live life and not let petty stuff overcome you. There is no reason to be totally committed to 1 person right away.
     
  23. Sydde macrumors 68020

    Sydde

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2009
    #23
    Crazy radical thought: have you talked to her about it?

    I mean, you seem to be suffering from some sort of PTRSD (Post-Traumatic-Relationship Stress Disorder), not making her aware of your condition and whence it comes is really doing a disservice to both of you. At some point you will just explode all over her and she will end up crying, confused not having a clue. Not that she needs to hear every little detail, but maybe if you let her know what is going on with you, maybe, if she cares about you, she can help.
     
  24. Queso macrumors G4

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2006
    #24
    You've got two choices. Either get over it and learn to trust the new girl or get one of these.

    So, what's it going to be?
     

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