History Paper!!!!!!!

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by TSE, Nov 11, 2009.

  1. TSE macrumors 68030

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2007
    Location:
    St. Paul, Minnesota
    #1
    South Carolina vs. The Union
    There have been several incidents in American history where certain regions have disagreed with each other about certain things. The Civil War was the peak of heavy American dispute on economic and social ideals. Many things contributed to the Civil War, one of the most important being the Nullification Crisis. This was a crisis where South Carolina threatened to secede from the Union, leading to other states in the south threatening and making uncompromising demands. Because of Congress and President Jackson being afraid of losing the developed southern territories, the southern states forced compromises by making Congress put a lift on various Tariffs passed by congress and the president.
    Shortly after the War of 1812, President John Adams help set up the Tariff of 1816. What this tariff did was it made the price of cotton drop. Cotton was one of the South's main exports, so the southern states absolutely hated this tariff. The northern, industrialized states were the main supporters of this tariff because they were getting wealthier from this tariff. The north was able to outvote the struggling south. When the south thought it couldn't get any worse, the Tariff of 1828 was put into place which raised taxes on imported textiles and iron. So not only was the south getting paid less for their cotton, but they were also taxed more for it. This lead to disloyalty and a lot of separation from the federal government by the south.
    John Calhoun, a vice president under both Adams and Jackson who openly disagreed with them on the tariffs, had enough by the time the Tariff of 1828 rolled around. He gave up his vice presidency under Jackson and became a senator for South Carolina where he thought he would have a better chance of abolishing the tariffs. In 1828, Calhoun wrote the famous document the Doctrine of Nullification which stated that the doctrine upholds the right of a state to declare federal law null and void and refuse to enforce it within the state. Four years later, when Congress passed yet another tariff, South Carolina declared ordinance of nullification and it's desire to secede from the union. President Jackson immediately responded by sending the United States Army to South Carolina and collected taxes from the tariffs at gunpoint and stating, ”Disunion by armed force is treason.”
    After the confrontation in South Carolina, the Tariff Act of 1833 was passed. Jackson specifically supported it because he didn't want the Southern states that were hit hard by the tariffs, specifically South Carolina, to secede from the Union. What the Tariff Act of 1833 did was it promised a return to how tariffs were at the beginning of the War of 1812. The gradual transition would be expected complete by 1842. This temporarily satisfied South Carolina. The other southern states that were struggling economically compared to the north noticed how South Carolina got it's way by threatening secession and making uncompromising demands which would lead to more demands until the federal government realized that the south couldn't be satisfied. Political tensions were at a temporary low.
    Congress and President Jackson temporarily brought political tensions to a low in the United States after the Tariff Act of 1833 was passed. Calhoun successfully brought the tariffs that were hurting the Southern state's economy to an end. More importantly, he successfully showed how the federal government wasn't willing to enforce it's own laws if it meant possibly losing territories by making the President and Congress put a lift on the tariffs that the south opposed. This whole crisis became known as the Nullification Crisis. This would set up the southern states to make even more lucrative demands until the federal government realized that the south was taking advantage of the Union's reluctance to let the southern territories secede.

    Does MacRumors see any blatant errors or any suggestions?

    I have a couple questions:

    -Is it southern states, Southern states, or Southern States?

    -Is it the South and the North or the south and the north?

    -any other grammatical errors, or things that need to be changed?
     
  2. fireshot91 macrumors 601

    fireshot91

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2008
    Location:
    Northern VA
    #2
    Southern states.

    South and North.

    Granted this isn't a grammatical error, but I think your hook sentence could be a bit more...enticing?
     
  3. TSE thread starter macrumors 68030

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2007
    Location:
    St. Paul, Minnesota
    #3
    What's a hook sentence? and also... is ordinance of nullification and union capitalized?
     
  4. fireshot91 macrumors 601

    fireshot91

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2008
    Location:
    Northern VA
    #4
    Topic sentence? Your first sentence in your introductory paragraph.

    No idea about the capitals, but whatever you decide to do, make sure you stick with it for the rest of your paper. I can see that your Union isn't capitalized once in "Four years later, when Congress passed yet another tariff, South Carolina declared ordinance of nullification and it's desire to secede from the union."
     
  5. Fiveos22 macrumors 65816

    Fiveos22

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2003
    #5
    This is a good start to a paper. I think the best thing you can do now is to smooth it out with some steady revision. The way I would go about doing this (if I was editing myself) would be to read it out loud. This will let you hear how it sounds, which is quite different from when you are synthesizing and typing at the same time. Here are just a few specifics...

    As far as grammar is concerned:

    - Check your comma usage.

    - Don't start sentences with "because"

    - The President is capitalized.

    - Don't anthropomorphize things unnecessarily (ex. states don't hate or think anything, but South Carolinian's can hate and or think things)

    - Say what you want to say, don't say what you say you want to say (ex. 3rd sentence of 4th paragraph...tell us what the Tariff act did without saying "what the Tariff act did")

    As far as style is concerned:

    - Use pronouns instead of repeating the same noun again and again within a sentence.

    - Try to be a little more formal (ex. Calhoun having enough of whatever)

    - Rewrite the 2nd and 3rd sentences of the third paragraph after reading them out loud (For example I would change that 2nd sentence to "In order to focus on abolishing tariffs Calhoun resigned as Jackson's vice president to be a senator for South Carolina.")
     
  6. sysiphus macrumors 6502a

    sysiphus

    Joined:
    May 7, 2006
    #6
    First question: what class/setting is this being written for? My comments are tailored to the expectation that this is a freshman-level high school class.

    Here's my contribution to try to spruce it up for you:

    -Don't use the word "things." Definitely don't use it more than once! Be specific!
    -Try and vary your sentence structure. Right now it's very simple and dull. A semicolon here or there is an easy way to help, but this is the single biggest flaw I see with your paper, and as such, I'd focus my efforts on style.
    -It's grammatically correct, but avoid using "Because" to start a sentence. Try "As a result of" etc. instead.
    -Be careful about using North/South as proper nouns--you need to work on getting this right. I'm not going to edit them all for you, but here's a clue--you've got some problems.
    -Don't anthropomorphize the states!
    -Formalize your style
    -I'm going to pick on one particular sentence: "This temporarily satisfied South Carolina." Don't use "this". You're referring to the previous sentence; find a way to be specific without becoming repetitive. This is a critical skill.
    -Look at the sentence before the one I just copied--it's really wordy. For example, you could cut it down to "The Tariff Act blah blah blah..."(then describe what it did). Much of your essay could use tweaking like so. Your instructor will see right through wordiness--don't bother trying to fill out a paper with it. Be succinct. If you need to expand your paper for length requirements, find something else to talk about.
    -Citations: You have many facts in your paper, but no citations--this is a big red flag.

    That list should be a good starting point for you.

    I know it may have come off harsh, but really, don't take this personally--the only way to get better at something is to identify mistakes and fix them :) Good luck, and let me know if you have more questions; I'm not going to write your paper for you, but I'm more than happy to answer specific questions.

    Edit: some repetition between my comments and those above written while I was typing...we're right ;)
     
  7. Fiveos22 macrumors 65816

    Fiveos22

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2003
    #7
    I had forgotten how much I enjoy editing things (I struggle with content creation, but would love to take the raw research you have here and reshape it). Unfortunately I have to do my homework before it gets too late. Good luck.
     
  8. thegoldenmackid macrumors 604

    thegoldenmackid

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2006
    Location:
    dallas, texas
    #8
    I found it extremely choppy, especially the last paragraph. I might be able to get to actually making some suggestions at around 3 am after I finish my two history papers.
     
  9. Full of Win macrumors 68030

    Full of Win

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2007
    Location:
    Ask Apple
    #9
    How you talk is not the same is how you write.

    Just an opinion
    Not sure if that is good. My style of writing, biology if you care, is to make it as short and direct as possible.
     
  10. TSE thread starter macrumors 68030

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2007
    Location:
    St. Paul, Minnesota
    #10
    Thanks for the help guys, here is the edited version, still any blatant errors?


    South Carolina vs. The Union
    There have been several incidents in American history in which certain regions have disagreed with each other about economic, religious, political, and social issues. The Civil War was the peak of heavy American dispute on economic and social ideals. Many factors contributed to the Civil War, one of the most important being the Nullification Crisis. This was a crisis where South Carolina threatened to secede from the Union, leading to other states in the South making uncompromising demands. As a result of Congress and President Jackson being afraid of losing the developed southern territories, the Southern states forced compromises by making Congress put a lift on various Tariffs passed by Congress and the President.
    Shortly after the War of 1812, President John Adams help set up the Tariff of 1816. This tariff made the price of cotton drop. Being one of the South's main exports, cotton was very important to the South economically which made the tariff less than popular in the region. The Northern, industrialized states were the main supporters of this tariff as they were getting wealthier from it. When the South thought it couldn't get any worse, the Tariff of 1828 was put into place which raised taxes on imported textiles and iron. Not only was the South getting paid less for their cotton, but they were also taxed more for it. This lead to a separation from the federal government by the South.
    John Calhoun, a vice president under both Adams and Jackson who openly disagreed with them on the tariffs, gave up compromising by the time the Tariff of 1828 rolled around. In order to focus on abolishing tariffs, Calhoun resigned as Jackson's vice president to be a senator for South Carolina. Later that year, Calhoun wrote the famous document The Doctrine of Nullification which stated that the doctrine upholds the right of a state, in this case South Carolina, to declare federal law null and void and refuse to enforce it within the state. Four years later, when Congress passed yet another tariff, South Carolina declared ordinance of nullification and it's desire to secede from the Union. President Jackson immediately responded by sending the United States Army to South Carolina, collecting taxes from the tariffs at gunpoint with the statement, ”Disunion by armed force is treason.”
    Immediately following the confrontation in South Carolina, the Tariff Act of 1833 was passed. Jackson specifically supported it because he didn't want the Southern states that were hit hard by the tariffs, specifically South Carolina, to secede from the Union. The Tariff Act of 1833 promised a return to how tariffs were at the beginning of the War of 1812. The gradual transition was to be complete by 1842, temporarily satisfying the population in South Carolina. The other Southern states that were struggling economically noticed how South Carolina got it's way by threatening secession and making uncompromising demands which would lead to more demands until the federal government realized that the South couldn't be satisfied. Political tensions were at a temporary halt.
    Congress and President Jackson temporarily brought political tensions to a low point in the United States after the Tariff Act of 1833 was passed. Calhoun successfully brought the tariffs that were hurting the Southern state's economy to an end. More importantly, he successfully showed how the federal government wasn't willing to enforce it's own laws if it meant possibly losing territories by making the President and Congress put a lift on the tariffs that the South opposed. This conflict became known as the Nullification Crisis. This would set up the Southern states to make even more lucrative demands until the federal government realized that the South was taking advantage of the Union's reluctance to let the southern territories secede.

    -Is southern territories capitalized? I figured it might not be specific enough.
     
  11. IntheNet macrumors regular

    IntheNet

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2009
    #11
    Your topic sentence still needs improvement; say what essay will advance and why it is important. Additionally, fix this typo:

    THIS:
    "This lead to a separation from the federal government by the South."

    TO THIS:
    "This led to a separation from the federal government by the South."

    THIS:
    "...later that year, Calhoun wrote the famous document The Doctrine of Nullification which stated that the doctrine upholds the right of a state.."

    TO THIS:
    "...later that year, Calhoun wrote the famous document, The Doctrine of Nullification, which stated that the doctrine upholds the right of a state.."

    Lastly, you should add a reference or two citing where you learned this historical information and crediting that source.
     
  12. MacVan macrumors newbie

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2008
    #12
    Some of your historical facts are inaccurate.

    John Adams did not "set up a tariff" in 1816. Maybe you mean 1824?

    You should distinguish as John Quincy Adams.

    Calhoun resigned in 1832, not 1828.

    Calhoun wrote the South Carolina Exposition, not the Nullification Doctrine.

    You might want to solidify your facts.
     

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