How do you raise a daughter?

[jsw]

I thought I was doing fine until my daughter hit 14.

Just remember that, no matter what you do, you kids have a mind of your own and, being human, are capable of mistakes. You can't take credit for everything good they do, nor can you blame yourself for everything they do which you consider to be a mistake. The older they get, the more true that is.

 

[nbs2]

Thanks to everybody that has posted so far for the input. I suppose some of the advice will go farther than other thoughts simply because of, as has been pointed out, Lori and I. Most of you know that we fall into the more conservative camp, so some things will get made of or promoted even though many may disagree.

For example, I think Wal-Mart should be mocked for its often poor service, not for being the realization of Sam Walton's dream. And scemo - you say to never discourage her for being weird, but if she tells me she's a BoSox, Cubs, Astros, Cowboys, 'Skins, or Giants fan - she will be made fun of as close to 24/7 as I can get. While some of what we are getting her is pink, we are pretty balanced with blues and neutral colors (thank you Winnie). I'm waiting for the right sale to hit so I can pick up a red Cardinals onesie off of the MLB website (unless someone knows a cheaper place).

Macmama - you bring up a point that I was curious about...I've seen some people complaining about the Princess franchise - what's wrong with it? I thought Disney's goal was that a good heart is essential to finding true happiness in life (and is now the building of the financial kingdom), but figure I must be missing something.

We've been pretty good about being involved with her, even though we still have about 79 days to go. I try to read to her every night (The Animals of Farmer Jones - the first book I memorized/learned to "read"), we both take time before going to be to chat with her, etc. What worries me more with a girl than a boy is that even with parental guidance, there is so much pressure from TV and friends that the "thing" to have/wear is the popular thing, not what you believe. I guess I'm just worried that I'm not going to be enough to counter all that. I mean, with the popularity of the Bratz line - can there really be THAT many (in my view) bad parents?

 

[neut]

I mean, with the popularity of the Bratz line - can there really be THAT many (in my view) bad parents?

When considering the state of the world? .. The people in this life who choose to make a positive difference as opposed to those who fall in line or even worse cause all of humanity to take a step backwards?

Yes, there can be and there is. But many of those commercial ideas are mearly fueled by the mediocre who choose not to question the entertainment that shapes their children.

Them and grandparents. j/k


peace | neut

 

[OutThere]

I think pink is fine as a little baby, as it helps people know that she's a girl, but it can be phased out as she grows up.


As a teenage boy, I'd say that the best way to go is to lead by example. At one point, parents telling her to do stuff, setting limits and making rules will only make her see you as someone who is working against her.

If she sees you as fun, engaged people, who work hard, have your own lives, friends, a healthy and balanced relationship, who are comfortable with your own bodies, and who can relax and party a little bit, she will learn by your example, and not by your rules. (Granted rules are necessary, and it was by my parents very strict table manner rules that I have very good table manners today...but the rules they imposed would not mean anything to me if I didn't see them as good examples in the first place.)

 

[floriflee]

-Be good examples. If a young girl only sees mom doing housework, it instills the idea that women are responsible for house-stuff and not men. Etc.

Here! Here! Ahem... *cough, cough*

In all seriousness, I think persistence and clear-cut boundaries are essential within a home. My sisters and I weren't perfect children by any means, and we tried in our own various ways to by-pass the rules my parents put into place with regard to dress, attitude, etc. I think what helped the most (at least for me) is that my parents were unrelenting. No matter how hard I tried to get them to cave on things, if it was really that important to them, they stuck to their guns. It was perfectly clear what was and was not acceptable, and which battles were worth fighting with them.

I think the hardest part for me is learning to trust her and gradually increase her freedom as she gets older. I would be so much happier if I knew I would be able to make all her decisions for her, but that just won't be the case, and that is terrifying. Honestly, with all the stupid things I did as I entered my teenage years I don't know how my parents did it. If I had been them I would have wanted to lock me away for a few years until I grew some common sense or something and saved themselves some grief.

 

[MrSmith]

-Be good examples. If a young girl only sees mom doing housework, it instills the idea that women are responsible for house-stuff and not men. Etc.

Here! Here! Ahem... *cough, cough*

I know you were joking, but if that is the case in most households then what's wrong with reality? I cannot cook and have no interest whatsoever in cooking. But my young son (8) is all too keen to help his Mum in the kitchen. Now I certainly never taught him that. And I certainly don't discourage him. My daughters often walk around with their toys (babies) strapped to their stomachs. No-one taught them that. My son has a cuddly toy he likes to sleep with. I don't ridicule him for it. My point is, kids will be kids. Your kids will be your kids. Don't screw up their lives with distorted politically-correct fashionable ideas. Girls LIKE to wear pink, for crying out loud.

 

[OutThere]

Oh, by the way: the 'time out' system is not effective. I see it all the time at work (ice cream shop). It just never works.

Mom: No you can't have ice cream! I'm just getting coffee.
Kid: But I want it. *starts stamping feet and faking tears*
Mom: NO! That's a time out young man!
Kid: Wahhhhhhhhhh!!! BUT I WANT IT!!!! *more tears, grabs mom's leg*
Mom: What did I say about time-out young man! Go sit down!
Kid: NnnnnnnnnnnnnOH! I WANT ICE CREAM!!!
Mom: Okay just calm down mommy will get you an ice cream honey. What flavor do you want? Can he have a taster spoon of the vanilla and chocolate? Thanks.

 

[MrSmith]

Oh, by the way: the 'time out' system is not effective. I see it all the time at work (ice cream shop). It just never works.

Mom: No you can't have ice cream! I'm just getting coffee.
Kid: But I want it. *starts stamping feet and faking tears*
Mom: NO! That's a time out young man!
Kid: Wahhhhhhhhhh!!! BUT I WANT IT!!!! *more tears, grabs mom's leg*
Mom: What did I say about time-out young man! Go sit down!
Kid: NnnnnnnnnnnnnOH! I WANT ICE CREAM!!!
Mom: Okay just calm down mommy will get you an ice cream honey. What flavor do you want? Can he have a taster spoon of the vanilla and chocolate? Thanks.

Never too old for Viz

 

[floriflee]

I know you were joking, but if that is the case in most households then what's wrong with reality? I cannot cook and have no interest whatsoever in cooking. But my young son (8) is all too keen to help his Mum in the kitchen. Now I certainly never taught him that. And I certainly don't discourage him. My daughters often walk around with their toys (babies) strapped to their stomachs. No-one taught them that. My son has a cuddly toy he likes to sleep with. I don't ridicule him for it. My point is, kids will be kids. Your kids will be your kids. Don't screw up their lives with distorted politically-correct fashionable ideas. Girls LIKE to wear pink, for crying out loud.

You're right. I was (kind of) joking. I don't plan to enforce the need to go against the "norm" if she doesn't want to. I have no problem with her wanting to be a girlie girl or to follow the typical old-fashioned social conventions--she can cook, clean, and primp all she wants. However, she should not be brought up thinking that these things should be done just because that's the way it is for girls (or boys). I am the one that does a lot of the domestic work around the house simply because the hubby doesn't share the same sense of orderliness that I do (my orderliness may change after the little one comes along), and try as I might, I can't get him to see things my way all the time. Granted he will help cook, take out the trash (if I bag it up) and even hang up his towel and throw his dirty clothes in the hamper without my having to ask, but the rest is up to me to either do myself or ask him (sometimes repeatedly) to help out. So, I guess the joking was more because I would love him to always do things my way (i.e. help with certain domestic chores without my having to ask), but I know that will never happen. Still, I do like to tease him about it every now and then.

 

[j26]

.. I am the one that does a lot of the domestic work around the house simply because the hubby doesn't share the same sense of orderliness that I do (my orderliness may change after the little one comes along), and try as I might, I can't get him to see things my way all the time.

My God - you're my wife! What are you doing here, love?


btw your sense of "orderliness" will probably increase after the little one arrives.

 

[MrSmith]

btw your sense of "orderliness" will probably increase after the little one arrives.

Too true. As in there won't be any. There was a thread a while ago where a poster was angry (and even surprised) that his toddler had destroyed a woofer at floor level. As we used to say in the Scouts: be prepared.

 

[OutThere]

that his toddler had destroyed a woofer at floor level.

Oh man. Toddlers (some more than others) just live for destruction. I wonder if people who own demolition companies or do strip-mine blasting were deprived of their toddler years?

Watching my cousins and friends little siblings grow up, man, dealing with a 2 year old on the destructo rampage is not a party you want to be at. In fact, it winds up looking like someone had a party there the night before...



oh...and I also cover my open-face speakers with their protective mesh covers if there is going to be any group of people in my dorm room at all, never mind toddlers.

 

[Spaceman Spiff]

Ah, I'd try and put some advice in too, but it'd all be from my father. He's the big famous child psychologist
So you'd be better off just reading his book, I suppose. More advice in there than I could ever give. I believe he talks about this sort of thing in it.

 

[floriflee]

My God - you're my wife! What are you doing here, love?


btw your sense of "orderliness" will probably increase after the little one arrives.

If I'm anything like the older sister I'll learn to give in on a few things (probably much to the hubby's delight).

Ah, I'd try and put some advice in too, but it'd all be from my father. He's the big famous child psychologist
So you'd be better off just reading his book, I suppose. More advice in there than I could ever give. I believe he talks about this sort of thing in it.

And your father and the name of the book would be???

 

[Legolamb]

Values, values

Just remember that, no matter what you do, you kids have a mind of your own and, being human, are capable of mistakes. You can't take credit for everything good they do, nor can you blame yourself for everything they do which you consider to be a mistake. The older they get, the more true that is.

Hey, I've actually said that to my daughter as she screamed that I've ruined her life


nbs2, Don't worry about bratz dolls; by the time your daughter is old enough to realize that she absolutely must have (...fill in poison of choice...) or she'll die, there will be another marketing scam. Bottom line, my daughter has been raised as a decent but independent person, but I told her that if she ever brings home a Windozer, she's outta the house (Values are important).

 

[lord patton]

I'm going to find out what it takes to raise a daughter firsthand this February

I fear it may mean spending less time on MR ( ), unless, of course, I keeping seeing threads like this!

 

[floriflee]

I'm going to find out what it takes to raise a daughter firsthand this February

I fear it may mean spending less time on MR ( ), unless, of course, I keeping seeing threads like this!

Congrats! That's when the hubby and I are due to have our first little girl.

 

[macenforcer]

Congrats! That's when the hubby and I are due to have our first little girl.

Mine is coming in April. Don't know the sex yet but I have 2 little boys now so it must be a girl. I bought here a cute little pink outfit to push it in that direction. "Fingers Crossed".

 

[Spaceman Spiff]

And your father and the name of the book would be???

The book is called Hold On to Your Kids, by Gordon Neufeld.

 

[floriflee]

Mine is coming in April. Don't know the sex yet but I have 2 little boys now so it must be a girl. I bought here a cute little pink outfit to push it in that direction. "Fingers Crossed".

Well, speaking of going against the social norms, if your little one does turn out to be a boy he can start expressing his feminine side early on by wearing the pink (or you can just tell people that pink is the new blue).

Either way congrats to you, too!