How to end a long-term relationship

[haiggy]

Hey,
I've decided that I want to end my relationship with my girlfriend of 19 months and I'm not sure how to do it. What would you recommend? Obviously it is going to be done in person, but I'm not sure how to start it, how to get into a serious mood with her so I can talk about it, what to do when she starts crying, etc...
The hard thing is that technically I've never really dumped anyone.

I don't know why but over the last few months she's become extremely jealous and just so demanding. She even told me that she can't trust me when I'm at home and not talking to her because she's afraid that somebody might be over with me. I have never done anything to lose her trust, either.
I feel smothered.

It's going to be hard. I like her family a lot, and we met where we work in the summer so this summer might be a little awkward. She seems so dependent on me, as she doesn't live at home (attending university) and I feel as if I break up with her I will just be deserting her.

So far I'm planning on telling her that I think we should take a break/break up, and list the reasons why. I'll explain that it is hard for me to do, and that we can still be friends (although that's hard) and I will still help her out when she needs it. (Drive her to go grocery shopping, etc.)

Do you guys have any advice/comments/suggestions? How should I do it and do you have any tips? I imagine this would be easier in a shorter relationship but since it's been so long, I feel tied down as if I can't.

I know you guys can help, so please tell me about your experiences.

Btw, sorry about this depressing topic on Valentine's Day... This makes the timing even worse because I don't know how to act today... act all lovey dovey? Dump her today? I don't want to lead her on.

 

[Wild-Bill]

Just tell the truth. DO NOT LIE. It'll come back to bite you later. If you give someone honest, truthful reasons for wanting to break up, they really can't argue against it. Prepare to be hated a while, but remember - time heals all wounds.

 

[BigPrince]

The sooner the better, but not today. Be sick today or something, this would be a horrible day to pick because EVERY V day in the future you will at least cross her mind once.

 

[likeavaliant]

as nada surf said "prolonging the situation only makes it worse"

which means that you need to flat out tell her everything that is on your mind. get ready to deal with crying and fighting. theres nothing i can say that will help that aspect. it most likely will happen.

in my experiences, the girl who didnt trust me (for no good reason as well) was the one that shouldnt have been trusted. we too work together, and it's really hard for a while, but as they say, time heals all wounds. we're now still good friends. today is actually her birthday and its also valentines day. i'm going over to her and her boyfriends house to celebrate- which is odd.


but best of luck to you dood. things will be better.

 

[jsw]

The sooner the better, but not today. Be sick today or something, this would be a horrible day to pick because EVERY V day in the future you will at least cross her mind once.

I agree... don't ruin the holiday. Be glum or whatnot, but don't dump her today.

When you do go through with it, tomorrow or whenever, be honest and blunt and clear. If you leave any room for the possibility of a reunion, she'll latch onto that and not let it go.

Being friends is great. But you won't be for at least a while, and she needs to let go of the relationship before she can think about you as a friend. In fact, it might not be until she finds someone else, if ever, that she thinks of you that way.

It will not be fun. But every week you put it off will make it worse.

 

[devilot]

When you do go through with it, tomorrow or whenever, be honest and blunt and clear. If you leave any room for the possibility of a reunion, she'll latch onto that and not let it go.

It will not be fun. But every week you put it off will make it worse.

Superb points.

And I'd love to offer you advice, but as my boyfriend of over four and a half years and I just broke up, and not so well at that, I don't really have any advice to offer.

Break ups suck. Period.

 

[emw]

I hear texting a breakup is the new rage.

Seriously, though, as others have said - be honest. You have good reasons to want out, and if you're honest about it perhaps it will help her to understand.

Don't believe her when she says she'll change, because she won't. She'll also probably accuse you of having someone else.

And I agree - don't do it today. She may or may not remember it on each subsequent Valentine's Day, but it still seems a little cruel to do it today.

Unless she starts harping on you for not wanting to do something tonight.

 

[devilot]

Shrug. As for doing it today? I dunno, I'm a bit of a bitch like this and if a guy dumped me on V-day, it would just make for another fun point against him. "Oh yeah, and that jerk, can you believe that he dumped me on Valentine's day?!"

It would definitely help in the making sure you-two-actually-separate department.

 

[ezzie]

even if you had dumped someone before, it doesn't get easier with experience, trust me.

you cannot feel as though you're deserting her. things may be awkward for a bit, but would you rather stay together and be smothered? feeling that way is not healthy.

this is the important part. be honest with her, and be sure to make it clear that you still care very much for her, but make sure she knows that you cannot be with her knowing she can't trust you.

you may well stay friends, but know that that's an invitation for disaster. as far as driving her around and such, every now and then that's fine, but wean her from depending on you for everything. it's important for both of you.

I know you guys can help, so please tell me about your experiences.

i broke up with a long-term boyfriend once...we had been dating almost 3 years, we had talked marriage, we had discussed children...but i felt as you feel, smothered. i had made up my mind to break it off, and i went to his apartment one evening after i was done with classes. i was mentally prepared for it. it had to be done.

the first thing he said to me when i walked through the door?
"i lost my job today."
i felt like an idiot. but i couldn't pretend that everything was ok, so i talked him through the job situation, and then i told him that i was leaving...

some may call me an @sshole. that's fine. but i don't believe in staying in a relationship for one second after you've determined that it's not a healthy relationship. it will be very difficult, but it's something you have to do.

 

[obeygiant]

dump him after he gives you chocolate/roses.

 

[haiggy]

I hear texting a breakup is the new rage.

Seriously, though, as others have said - be honest. You have good reasons to want out, and if you're honest about it perhaps it will help her to understand.

Don't believe her when she says she'll change, because she won't. She'll also probably accuse you of having someone else.

And I agree - don't do it today. She may or may not remember it on each subsequent Valentine's Day, but it still seems a little cruel to do it today.

Unless she starts harping on you for not wanting to do something tonight.

Wow guys, thanks for the quick replies. More are welcome.
Yeah, I read that text message in the other thread.. "I DUMP YOU." If only it was that simple.

Tonight is definitely going to be hard, especially for the reason you mentioned

I know not to dump her on Valentines Day, I would never do that. I was just thinking about when is it acceptable after that? You said tomorrow, but I think that's too soon. She thinks we will like last forever... sigh. How can I buy her flowers and chocolate without feeling totally fake/leading her on?

 

[haiggy]

as nada surf said "prolonging the situation only makes it worse"

which means that you need to flat out tell her everything that is on your mind. get ready to deal with crying and fighting. theres nothing i can say that will help that aspect. it most likely will happen.

in my experiences, the girl who didnt trust me (for no good reason as well) was the one that shouldnt have been trusted. we too work together, and it's really hard for a while, but as they say, time heals all wounds. we're now still good friends. today is actually her birthday and its also valentines day. i'm going over to her and her boyfriends house to celebrate- which is odd.


but best of luck to you dood. things will be better.

That is quite the odd story, but thanks for sharing. I hope her and I can end up like that later.

Superb points.

And I'd love to offer you advice, but as my boyfriend of over four and a half years and I just broke up, and not so well at that, I don't really have any advice to offer.

Break ups suck. Period.

Sorry to hear that you have gone/are going through a similar situation. I agree, they do suck even when you do the dumping

Shrug. As for doing it today? I dunno, I'm a bit of a bitch like this and if a guy dumped me on V-day, it would just make for another fun point against him. "Oh yeah, and that jerk, can you believe that he dumped me on Valentine's day?!"

It would definitely help in the making sure you-two-actually-separate department.

Haha, yeah, but as I mentioned I wouldn't be that "jerk" to do it today.

dump him after She gives you chocolate/roses.

Sounds about as smart as the "I DUMP YOU" text message

 

[Allotriophagy]

Nothing beats a carefully written letter.

"Dear baby,

Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.

P.S. I am gay."

 

[haiggy]

even if you had dumped someone before, it doesn't get easier with experience, trust me.

you cannot feel as though you're deserting her. things may be awkward for a bit, but would you rather stay together and be smothered? feeling that way is not healthy.

this is the important part. be honest with her, and be sure to make it clear that you still care very much for her, but make sure she knows that you cannot be with her knowing she can't trust you.

you may well stay friends, but know that that's an invitation for disaster. as far as driving her around and such, every now and then that's fine, but wean her from depending on you for everything. it's important for both of you.



i broke up with a long-term boyfriend once...we had been dating almost 3 years, we had talked marriage, we had discussed children...but i felt as you feel, smothered. i had made up my mind to break it off, and i went to his apartment one evening after i was done with classes. i was mentally prepared for it. it had to be done.

the first thing he said to me when i walked through the door?
"i lost my job today."
i felt like an idiot. but i couldn't pretend that everything was ok, so i talked him through the job situation, and then i told him that i was leaving...

some may call me an @sshole. that's fine. but i don't believe in staying in a relationship for one second after you've determined that it's not a healthy relationship. it will be very difficult, but it's something you have to do.

Wow, such good advice. Thank you so much. You guys are helping a lot and it just keeps coming You made some very good points - and that is very bad timing about his job... think it would be as bad as doing it on Valentine's day? Just kidding

 

[emw]

How can I buy her flowers and chocolate without feeling totally fake/leading her on?

You can't, so don't.

As for waiting longer, the only reason you aren't doing it today is because it's Valentine's Day. Tomorrow isn't. Waiting longer just prolongs your misery and her potential confusion.

 

[haiggy]

You can't, so don't.

As for waiting longer, the only reason you aren't doing it today is because it's Valentine's Day. Tomorrow isn't. Waiting longer just prolongs your misery and her potential confusion.

Good point - I've had a lot of confused girlfriends in my day... lol

 

[emw]

Good point - I've had a lot of confused girlfriends in my day... lol

So the line "it's not you, it's me" might actually apply here.

 

[ezzie]

Wow, such good advice. Thank you so much. You guys are helping a lot and it just keeps coming You made some very good points - and that is very bad timing about his job... think it would be as bad as doing it on Valentine's day? Just kidding

as others have said, if you can make it through today without doing "fake" valentine's things (flowers, dinner, etc.) then wait until tomorrow. but no longer. if she's expecting all kinds of valentine's goodness....in the long term, she may appreciate you doing it today instead of pretending everything's ok for v-day. i know i would.

only you know what's best...

i think the job timing was worse...it sent him into a bit of a depression (this was a high-paying tech/programming job, not a retail gig) but i couldn't lie to him anymore. it was just wrong. he fine now, anyways.

 

[xtopher]

do it like on south park. send one of your friends over to her house and they simply say "your name breaks up with you." or the really popular avoid them till they break up with you

 

[haiggy]

So the line "it's not you, it's me" might actually apply here.

Haha. Oh, but it is her
So how do I avoid the "contact" tonight?

We had a steak dinner and everything planned for tonight. She's gonna be so crushed when I do it. At the moment her life isn't too enjoyable - she's depressed I'd say (school, family). This is such a burden for me

 

[haiggy]

as others have said, if you can make it through today without doing "fake" valentine's things (flowers, dinner, etc.) then wait until tomorrow. but no longer. if she's expecting all kinds of valentine's goodness....in the long term, she may appreciate you doing it today instead of pretending everything's ok for v-day. i know i would.

only you know what's best...

Yeah, that's the problem. Like I said, with the steak dinner and everything... I think it would be better to wait a few days after. Not too many after today, and not too little before our anniversary (coming up in a week)

 

[emw]

At the moment her life isn't too enjoyable - she's depressed I'd say (school, family).

Okay, maybe I'll turn this around just a bit. If she's depressed - is it because others have let her down? Does this depression coincide with her "suspicions" of you?

Perhaps, and I don't want to overanalyze her, she is going through some tough times and needs some support and just isn't dealing with very well it in terms of your relationship. If you're not the one to provide that support, that's fine and it's your right to move on.

However, if things used to be good (and I assume they were) and this depression is causing issues in your relationship, is there any thought that you could help her through this time to get back to where you were? Or is it too far gone?

I guess my question is - it she special? Is she worth the effort to try and fix this issue?

 

[TheAnswer]

How can I buy her flowers and chocolate without feeling totally fake/leading her on?

If you do roses, do pink and yellow...no red. If they have the black or blue ones, go for those. Chocolates are cool, but not too many and no heart shapes or red.

I heard White Castle is having a valentine's day special...if they have any of those around your area, I'd skip the chocolates and roses and take her there. Then she might even break up with you!

EDIT: Oops, my suggestions were being written while the whole depression thing came to light...please ignore this post.

 

[ezzie]

Okay, maybe I'll turn this around just a bit. If she's depressed - is it because others have let her down? Does this depression coincide with her "suspicions" of you?

Perhaps, and I don't want to overanalyze her, she is going through some tough times and needs some support and just isn't dealing with very well it in terms of your relationship. If you're not the one to provide that support, that's fine and it's your right to move on.

However, if things used to be good (and I assume they were) and this depression is causing issues in your relationship, is there any thought that you could help her through this time to get back to where you were? Or is it too far gone?

I guess my question is - it she special? Is she worth the effort to try and fix this issue?

i agree 100%. not to scare you, but if you decide that you can't help her, please make sure she has either a friend or roommate who's close to her, so someone can be watching for destructive behavior. you can't be too careful if she really is depressed.

you may want to start this evening by not acting quite...right, if that makes sense. perhaps act a little cool toward her, still show her a good evening, but no flowers, no gifts, no indication that all systems are still "go". give her a day or two to maybe figure it out on her own, you know?

 

[haiggy]

i agree 100%. not to scare you, but if you decide that you can't help her, please make sure she has either a friend or roommate who's close to her, so someone can be watching for destructive behavior. you can't be too careful if she really is depressed.

you may want to start this evening by not acting quite...right, if that makes sense. perhaps act a little cool toward her, still show her a good evening, but no flowers, no gifts, no indication that all systems are still "go". give her a day or two to maybe figure it out on her own, you know?

Yeah that was the plan, thanks.

On the topic of the depression issue, I know I need to have somebody watching out for her. I don't want her to go crazy, which is why its also hard for me to do this.

The depression isn't part of the relationship that's making it go downhill. She was like this before it, and it hasn't made her more dependent on me. She's just grown too much into me. While that isn't necessarily a bad thing, the way she does it and shows it is, as I said, smothering.