well, it seems like you know what you're doing. 
best of luck to you, stay strong, and please check back in with us here.
best of luck to you, stay strong, and please check back in with us here.
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How to end a long-term relationship
- Thread starter haiggy
- Start date
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Hmmmm. I wouldnt wait too long. Sure, dont do it today, but certainly this week. Be firm and up front, but not rude or attacking. Leave absolutely NO room for getting back together. Sometimes a person latches on to any hope at all and thats all they see and then they never let go.
And a mistake I've made and learned from. After you break up, stay away. I broke up with a girl one time, but we continued to talk on the phone and eventually did the booty call thing. Then all of a sudden you are in some wierd territory... are you together or not? etc. etc.
Break up, and cut off ties. At least until the wounds heal.
Good luck. These things suck, but everyone has to do it at least once in their life.
And a mistake I've made and learned from. After you break up, stay away. I broke up with a girl one time, but we continued to talk on the phone and eventually did the booty call thing. Then all of a sudden you are in some wierd territory... are you together or not? etc. etc.
Break up, and cut off ties. At least until the wounds heal.
Good luck. These things suck, but everyone has to do it at least once in their life.
I agree with this post. When the rest of a person's life is not good, their relationship is going to suffer mightily as well. Both of you need to be happy as individuals before you can be happy as a couple.
If what's going on here is that her life sucks so she's taking it out on your relationship, maybe it can be saved. If it's just that she's not right for you then that's a different story.
Sounds good guys, it seems as if you all know what you are talking about. I'm not worried about doing the wrong thing.
I will let you know how it goes when it happens. Thinking about it makes me so nervous though.
I will let you know how it goes when it happens. Thinking about it makes me so nervous though.
Stand your ground. I fell for manipulation once and I don't plan to do it again. If you're absolutely sure of what you're going to do, then don't let her talk you out of it. Believe me, she will.
I feel you man, I feel you. I felt just like that, which is the reason I broke up with my gf last sunday. It's not going to be pretty, but you'll do fine. Just be sure (and this is VERY important) not to confuse the post-breakup sadness with feeling you made the wrong choice. You're ending a 19 month relationship, so unless things were really bad, you'll feel a bit bummed out. I know I did, but I also felt calm and relaxed.
Also been there (I am there, actually). We study the same thing, and there are very good chances that I'm going to be the Lab assistant for a course she's taking next semester. Awkward city. And about the dependancy thing, I also know how you feel. My gf was very dependant, but in the end I felt so smothered that I had to end it. It won't be deserting her.
I prefered to break up even if it meant it would crush her, because I prefer to be honest with her than to stay in the relationship, be unhappy and make her think I felt the same way as she did. That would be lying to her big time.
You'll have to face it: You won't be able to be friends until both of you are completely over each other. That may take a long, long time, up to 3 years, in my case.
Btw, sorry about this depressing topic on Valentine's Day...
As much as it will hurt her, it's better to end it that to spend the day as a hypocrite and make her think everything's fine and the relationship's getting better. It's your call if you'll break up today... Personally I'd have done it sooner.
Hope things work out well! (considering the circumstances)
EDIT: Oh, just so you'll be prepared, you might want to check out this thread
Thanks for the great post. Yeah, I checked it out and I saw what you wrote... I commented on how we are in the same situation -_-
I know friends will take a while, that's ok. I just hope she doesn't get so depressed and like commit suicide or something :S I worry too much lol
Yeah, I'm about to go see her for Valentine's... definitely not sure how it's gonna go, I mean she's just told me about how excited she is for it and how I'm going to love it... I can't do it today. I would like to but knowing how bad she'd feel...
And she told me she got me chocolate/present/flowers etc, and I got her nothing. I don't want to just take them and end it, and I don't want to give her nothing...
Btw like, the other night I was with her... like as I was thinking about breaking up with her... she's like "You can never leave me.... I won't let you" etc... like crazy obsessive sh*t. I'm 18, she's 20 - still kind of have a long way to go. Today I got home from school and she sent me 3 text messages. "You home?" "Where are you?" "Are you there?"
It's tooooooo much. I just want to be calm and relax and not have to worry about where I am and what I'm doing every minute of every hour.
While I agree that you DEFINITELY need to get out, and honesty is the better way to go about it... If you really got her nothing on Valentine's Day then you are a prize prick for that. You should have done this [breakup] either before hand or been decent about it for a day or two and then lowered the blow onto this girl. I am sincerely hoping you did that. She obviously really fancies you, crazy or not, and there's no need to be cruel about it. Get out, but do it kindly if at all possible.
<waits for update>
<waits for update>
I haven't read the entire thread, but I just wanted to ask you whether you have talked about your problems and tried to work them out. Tell her what you told us about how she seems to get jealous, how she doesn't seem to trust you, and how that makes you feel.
If she reacts badly and starts yelling or something, then break up with her.
If she reacts badly and starts yelling or something, then break up with her.
Hey, ok so I didn't get her nothing for Valentine's day - I'm not gonna be a "prick". We hung out and enjoyed ourselves and I realized that like Abstract said, I should probably try to talk to her first. If things don't change then I have a valid reason to break up with her. Things are fine when I'm with her, but when I'm away from her she seems needy. If she wants me to stay around I thought she'd be able to at least try to fix some things. Maybe I was just overreacting but it really did feel smothering and as if I was on a leash.
Anyways, I'm going to tell her we need to talk today about some things. Hopefully it goes well and she understands.
This situation is so confusing for me - one minute I want to break up with her, the next I don't. I can't.
So that's the plan for now, anyways.
Even though I might not end the relationship, I just want to say that all of your advice will be/was helpful to anyone else in this situation and maybe even myself later down the road. Some of you might even be the reason why this relationship survives, and for that - I thank you
Anyways, I'm going to tell her we need to talk today about some things. Hopefully it goes well and she understands.
This situation is so confusing for me - one minute I want to break up with her, the next I don't. I can't.
So that's the plan for now, anyways.
Even though I might not end the relationship, I just want to say that all of your advice will be/was helpful to anyone else in this situation and maybe even myself later down the road. Some of you might even be the reason why this relationship survives, and for that - I thank you
i'm sorry for only giving "break up" advice. i didn't know you might try to salvage the relationship.
anyhoo, just checking in to see if you have talked to her. i don't want to be nosy, i'm just hoping that whatever's happening is happening as well as can be expected.
anyhoo, just checking in to see if you have talked to her. i don't want to be nosy, i'm just hoping that whatever's happening is happening as well as can be expected.
Not exactly on topic, but I I was looking for something else altogether when I read "long-term."
May be I have been in my relationship too long
May be I have been in my relationship too long
haiggy,
i feel for you buddy.
BUT...
First of all, i have to ask: have you discussed this with her before? Does she know her smothering is an issue? If you like or love her, then you need to tell her this first before any dumping happens. you would regret it big time.
sometimes, people start smothering b/c they begin to care so deeply for someone, that they forget a bit of reality by becoming paranoid b/c in the end, they are so afraid of losing that person (ie. you).
i know you're 18 and some peeps might say, "geezus..he's young..let it go."
But if you think there's a chance of a future, then don't let it go so gently. give her a chance.
i don't believe anyone said it yet in this discussion, but there seems to be this crap about 'oh you're young...live it up and fall in love later.' it seems that ppl don't want to TRY working through a relationship. getting it over is the easiest way out and today's society wants everything quick (not saying you are doing this per say, just pointing out a problem). unfortunately, that means even our relationships. that is such BS. i pose the question: and how many older folks (late 20's/30's) people do you see single and not happy about it? how many of them now regret making a decision in the past that if they had worked through, might be blissfully happy?
and yes, i say this b/c i'm a lucky one. i found my love at 18, different high schools, went to the same university, engaged, married, now have 2 kids. we've been together almost half of our existence on this planet and it is fantastic.
sure, we could have broken up a few times (long distance during the summers), but we knew it was good so we went with it. fought the hard times and enjoyed the good times. we're stronger than ever.
it sounds like your girl just needs a chat to let her what's bothering you.
BUT, if you've already talked to her about this in the past and given her chances to change the ways....then just don't do it on vday. and point out the reasons why so she has a chance not to do this in her next relationship.
good luck,
keebler
i feel for you buddy.
BUT...
First of all, i have to ask: have you discussed this with her before? Does she know her smothering is an issue? If you like or love her, then you need to tell her this first before any dumping happens. you would regret it big time.
sometimes, people start smothering b/c they begin to care so deeply for someone, that they forget a bit of reality by becoming paranoid b/c in the end, they are so afraid of losing that person (ie. you).
i know you're 18 and some peeps might say, "geezus..he's young..let it go."
But if you think there's a chance of a future, then don't let it go so gently. give her a chance.
i don't believe anyone said it yet in this discussion, but there seems to be this crap about 'oh you're young...live it up and fall in love later.' it seems that ppl don't want to TRY working through a relationship. getting it over is the easiest way out and today's society wants everything quick (not saying you are doing this per say, just pointing out a problem). unfortunately, that means even our relationships. that is such BS. i pose the question: and how many older folks (late 20's/30's) people do you see single and not happy about it? how many of them now regret making a decision in the past that if they had worked through, might be blissfully happy?
and yes, i say this b/c i'm a lucky one. i found my love at 18, different high schools, went to the same university, engaged, married, now have 2 kids. we've been together almost half of our existence on this planet and it is fantastic.
sure, we could have broken up a few times (long distance during the summers), but we knew it was good so we went with it. fought the hard times and enjoyed the good times. we're stronger than ever.
it sounds like your girl just needs a chat to let her what's bothering you.
BUT, if you've already talked to her about this in the past and given her chances to change the ways....then just don't do it on vday. and point out the reasons why so she has a chance not to do this in her next relationship.
good luck,
keebler
I'd have to say that was definitely the best advice so far, and very in depth. Thanks
I talked to her and she said she didn't realize that she was doing it, and said that things have been hard for her in the past week with the depression. She said she will try to fix things, so I hope she does.
I do care about her and don't want the relationship to end - so right now I guess it won't.
Thanks MR for saving my relationship =)
I'd have to say that was definitely the best advice so far, and very in depth. Thanks
I talked to her and she said she didn't realize that she was doing it, and said that things have been hard for her in the past week with the depression. She said she will try to fix things, so I hope she does.
I do care about her and don't want the relationship to end - so right now I guess it won't.
Thanks MR for saving my relationship =)
glad to be of help haiggy. just reinforce that you are there and not going anywhere.
good luck.
Have you thought about going to couples counseling? If she's really having trouble with depression, she may need someone to talk to if you do break up. That way if you do leave, you leave with a clear conscience and knowing you steered her in the right direction to have someone impartial to talk to. I don't know, it's just a thought.