I'm so aloof (Oh noes!)

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by katie ta achoo, Apr 5, 2008.

  1. katie ta achoo macrumors G3

    May 2, 2005
    So, since dudes can ask for relationship advice here, I figure I can, too! (Hey, and I'm a girl having problems... ladies aren't the root of all evil, apparently!)

    So there's this young man I've seen a few times. When I'm with him, I feel like I'm a little reluctant entering in to anything, if there's anything to enter into.

    BACKGROUND: My first serious boyfriend was a manipulative, lying sack of crap. We dated for ~9 months, he was cheating on someone (whether it be me or his ex) for ~9 months. He didn't respect me, yada yada yada, I'm scared to be aggressive in relationships lest I get hurt emotionally again. I'm usually a pretty aggressive person.

    How do I be more outgoing 'n' junk? It's a skill I really need to learn, lest I screw things up with this fine young man, or any people I may meet (even platonically) in the future.
  2. mad jew Moderator emeritus

    mad jew

    Apr 3, 2004
    Adelaide, Australia
    Get back on the horse! It sucks that you've had a bad run with that other douchebag, but don't let him taint the rest of us. If by aggressive, you mean 'let yourself fall for him quickly', then I agree that it's probably best to hold back a bit. Play it day-by-day though. Enjoy your time with him and if you feel like seeing him more, then do it. Good luck!

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  3. Duff-Man macrumors 68030


    Dec 26, 2002
    Albuquerque, NM
    Duff-Man says...basically what Mad Jew says - get back on the horse, and don't be afraid to just 'be yourself.' I think it is somewhat natural to be a little bit cautious after a bad experience, and a bit of caution is perhaps a sensible way to enter into any new relationship. The trick is in being able to sense when the caution has gotten the better of you, and when to ease it off a bit and relax. I know just from your posts here over the years that you've got a pretty good sense of humour - let that side of yourself show...humour is a great way to relax and get rid of some anxieties...oh yeah!
  4. Iscariot macrumors 68030


    Aug 16, 2007
    Just lie. Lie through the pain. Lie through the discomfort. Lie about what you want. Lie so much even you believe yourself.

    Nobody in the history of ever ever got caught lying. Lying is the gift that keeps on giving. Lying is the gift you give yourself!

    (I'm certainly not lying to keep you all to myself.)
  5. Daveman Deluxe macrumors 68000

    Daveman Deluxe

    Jun 17, 2003
    Corvallis, Oregon
    "If Passion drives you, let Reason take the reins." Some wise words from Benjamin Franklin.

    Do follow your heart, but don't silence your brain in the process.
  6. 2nyRiggz macrumors 603


    Aug 20, 2005
    Thank you Jah...I'm so Blessed
    Feelings are wonderful arent they.....they'll make you feel great one moment and F*** you up the next.

    Always be yourself in these situations...just let it come natural and don't force anything. We all come across one or two jackarses in our lifetime but don't allow them to have that sort of power over you..preventing you from laying it on the line(at a steady pace of course)

    P.S....I like curry too!

  7. katie ta achoo thread starter macrumors G3

    May 2, 2005
    Ah, so I should tell him that I'm an astronaut cowgirl lawyer millionaire? ;)

    We went out again yesterday and there's so much awkwardness. When we left the movie house, we had arrived separately and there was a weird discussion of how many vehicles to take. I was EXHAUSTED, so we took 2 and found a 24-hour eatery near my place.
    And when we left said eatery, there was a weird moment in which we had a strange side-hug and just kinda walked off.

    Man, just like the ending of our last excursion, it was a weird half-hug, I moved in to kiss him, ended up at his cheek, and then I convinced him to come play scrabble with me. He seemed to open up during scrabble, though? :confused:

    Guys are weird.
  8. vniow macrumors G4

    Jul 18, 2002
    I accidentally my whole location.
    This is the only relationship advice thread I'll bother to respond to, only because its KT. And KT's special.



    For some seriousish off of IRC advice, I ran into a similar situation last night. Basically there were a couple opportunities I had which I felt I had missed and I left feeling a bit on the inadequate/wtf is wrong with me side. It reminded me of a girl I dated a few months ago whom I knew was moving soon (like in 3 weeks time). I struggled with the whole "what if I like her so much that I'm hurt when she leaves or am I going to regret this if I don't pursue" etc. etc. blah blah blah. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I have more to gain than I have to lose, I went for it and we had an amazing time.

    So in a nutshell, I've decided to readjust some of my mental processes to what I went through with that girl so I don't have any other missed opportunities. If you have more to gain than to lose then by all means, go for it.
  9. CanadaRAM macrumors G5


    Oct 11, 2004
    On the Left Coast - Victoria BC Canada
    Guys are tentative when they don't know what to do next. Like: "I wanna kiss her but what if she gets offended. $#!^, I dunno what to do. Am I moving too fast? She's looking like she's waiting for me do do something. What? $#!^."

    Give a guy a structured activity where he knows the rule book, and it's easier. Scrabble works.

    So, for the first few dates, be the entertainment director and set up fun things to do without a lot of unstructured time so there're aren't many "what now?" moments.

    And then rig the Scrabble letters to spell out leading messages...

  10. Surely Guest


    Oct 27, 2007
    Los Angeles, CA

    Sounds like the guy you're seeing is being just as cautious as you are and seems to be lacking in confidence just like you. Or maybe he detects your tentativeness and doesn't want to do anything to f*** things up. It may be up to you to take more initiative to get things movng faster if that's what you want. I'd suggest making more physical contact.

    Or maybe he's just gay.
  11. prostuff1 macrumors 65816


    Jul 29, 2005
    Don't step into the kawoosh...
    You know, guys have a tendency to do this (speaking from experience). I was in a similar situation (and still am to a certain extent) and what Surely said above pretty much describes it to a tee.

    My suggestion is to just be yourself. If you want to take it slow then do that, but don't try to "hide" who you really are, that could only cause problems later on. Like someone said above, plan things to do that keep him busy and thinking. Games, like scrabble, are a good idea, also try sports if your up to it. We have it worked out that we play racquetball every tuesday and thursday (permitting school does not get in the way) and that allows for some stress relief (and it does not require much thinking). Afterwards stop and get something to eat and take it back to your place. Just relax, talk about your days, and eat dinner.
  12. apsterling macrumors 6502a


    Nov 24, 2007
    ... Well, at least you're dating!

    In all seriousness, being a guy who never knows whether to "Go For It" in a decision (relationship related or not), I speak viscerally. If you make the first move, he'll follow, 85-90% of the time. So if you make a move to him, he'll take it and run with it. Or if he's weird and not ready, hopefully tell you.

    In the end, it'll be your choice, make a move or wait. I suggest taking it and running the first good chance you get.
  13. pseudobrit macrumors 68040


    Jul 23, 2002
    Jobs' Spare Liver Jar
    don't listen to me
  14. Redundancy Pool macrumors newbie

    Redundancy Pool

    Apr 4, 2008
    USA, New York
    Just be yourself (as said before and I am sure it's getting annoying by now), whoever you are stop looking so deeply into every move, stop thinking about every thing he does, act like you would around say your good friend, your looking for things that aren't there, looking for meanings of what he's doing when they don't exist, he's just trying to go along with the flow and not mess up. One of you has to be assertive, when it's time for the awkward hug, get in front of him put your arms on him to turn him straight and than wrap them around him and plant one on him. Get things moving a bit, get him to ease up, once or if you two are really in love everything should just move so naturally and it'll be amazing. Best of luck to ya ;)
  15. floyde macrumors 6502a


    Apr 7, 2005
    Monterrey, México
    If he is a shy guy then you probably caught him off guard. Try to make him feel relaxed by being more relaxed yourself. And don't worry, if he likes you then you can't possibly screw it up (that's not a challenge btw :p), if he doesn't then you'll be ok too. Give it a try, if it doesn't work out you'll still be glad that you wont have to wonder what would've happened for all eternity :D.

    People are weird in general. Anyway, perhaps I shouldn't be giving dating advice :eek:.
  16. katie ta achoo thread starter macrumors G3

    May 2, 2005
    Alrighty... I'll go for it! That's the advice I give to people who ask it of me, but I've been really indecisive and odd the last few weeks. If only this boy weren't such an enigma! :p
  17. Chundles macrumors G4


    Jul 4, 2005
    Just jump his bones. We're always complaining that the hot chicks never do the stuff they do in the movies.
  18. furious macrumors 65816


    Aug 7, 2006
    Sounds like my last relationship.

    Why I acted in a similar way to your friends is I had no idea if we were friends or we were dating. She always agreed to friend activities but was reluctant for activities you may do on the first few dates. Eventually we both moved on. We were both to immature to talk about our relationship.

    Maybe it might be an idea to bring up casually what you two are all about. Don't ambush him. Maybe say "I really enjoy our time together, I would like to start spending more time with you". That could also boost his confidence. Which he is definitely lacking. Just like my self. :eek:

    It also would not hurt to become more assertive. Next time you are faced with the awkward hug and kiss. Use your hands to manipulate his body to a position more to your liking. Gently of course. If he resists to your hands on his body whisper something reassuring in his ear. "It is ok, you are in safe hands".

    You could also be the first girl he really likes and would not want to bugger it up.

    Good luck
  19. The Past macrumors 6502

    The Past

    Aug 17, 2004
    United States
    Did you consider talking to him about it? Something along the lines of "did you notice that we are both so shy when it comes to.......... wonder why?!?!"

    Good luck with the relationship.
  20. katie ta achoo thread starter macrumors G3

    May 2, 2005
    I'm going to, I just haven't seen him since the last bout awkwardness at 3 in the morning.

    I just wanted to pick other people's minds, to make sure it's just not me being overly neurotic or "chicky". :D
  21. The Past macrumors 6502

    The Past

    Aug 17, 2004
    United States
    a.k.a you care about this relationship. So good luck. :)

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