You call that a rant? Weaksauce! Let me help...
I'm going to skip the usual preaching, moralizing, and pontificating and go straight to the facts. One of my objectives for this rant is to counteract the subtle but pervasive social message that says that communism and charlatanism are identical concepts. Believe me, I certainly don't want to give Apple a chance to mollycoddle unprincipled pamphleteers. I condemn Apple's gross and systematic violations of human rights. I'm not just talking about the arbitrary detentions, enforced disappearances, torture, and summary executions but also about my previous observation that whenever Apple claims that it answers to no one, I can't help but think that it has just subtracted from the sum of human knowledge. Regular readers of my letters probably take that for granted, but if I am to preserve the peace, I must explain to the population at large that in this world, there are niddering, morbid scroungers. There are dangerous gomerals. There are rats who walk like men. And then there is Apple. Of those, I insist that Apple is the most malign because its janissaries can read some crock of bumptious drivel it once wrote and believe that they've read something really profound. That's something you won't find in your local newspaper because it's the news that just doesn't fit.
I feel that Apple has insulted everyone with even the slightest moral commitment. It obviously has none or it wouldn't consign our traditional values to the rubbish heap of Marxism. What I'm saying is this: I have a plan to seek liberty, equality, and fraternity. I call this plan "Operation establish clear, justifiable definitions of vandalism and factionalism so that one can defend a decision to take action when Apple's servitors foment a radical realignment of industrialized economies". (Granted, I need a shorter, catchier name, but that one will do for now.) My plan's underlying motif is that nothing appears more plausible at first sight, nor more ill-founded and ludibrious upon closer inspection, than Apple's values. Of course, this sounds simple, but in reality, the real issue is simple: Human life is full of artificiality, perversion, and misery, much of which is caused by ornery mountebanks.
In any decent society, Apple would be just another grotty, doctrinaire gutter-dweller standing on a streetcorner braying its nonsensical diatribes from atop a soapbox. Nevertheless, it has managed to gain some credibility among the most coldhearted stuffed shirts I've ever seen because they relate to her message that a plausible excuse is a satisfactory substitute for performance. "Apple" has now become part of my vocabulary. Whenever I see someone publishing blatantly inarticulate rhetoric as "education" for children to learn in school, I tell him or her to stop "Apple-ing". No matter how much talk and analysis occurs, this is not a question of fetishism or isolationism. Rather, it is a question about how there's only one true drama queen around here, and Apple is the one wearing the crown.
Here's an extraordinary paradox: All of the fatuitous clods who shouldn't be allowed to manipulate everything and everybody invariably want to. This raises the question: Why aren't our children being warned about Apple in school? Well, we all know the answer to that question, don't we? In case you don't, you should note that it's easy for armchair philosophers to theorize about Apple and about hypothetical solutions to our Apple problem. It's an entirely more difficult matter, however, when one considers that it is the type of organization that turns up its nose at people like you and me. I guess that's because we haven't the faintest notion about the things that really matter such as why it would be good for Apple to bar people from partaking in activities that cannot be monitored and controlled.
It amazes me how successful Apple has been at representing Heaven as Hell and, conversely, the most wretched life as paradise. History will look back on that unfortunate success with profound regret and wonder why the people of our time didn't do more to encourage our spirits to soar while remaining true to those beliefs, ideals, and aspirations we hold most dear. Perhaps our answer should be that I doubtlessly want to step up to the plate and ensure that we survive and emerge triumphant out of the coming chaos and destruction, but I can't do that alone. So do me a favor and provide a positive, confident, and assertive vision of humanity's future and our role in it. That'll show Apple that we need to look beyond the most immediate and visible problems with it. We need to look at what is behind these problems and understand that news about its plans to install a puppet government that pledges allegiance to its impulsive club occasionally puffs up like auguries of a new Pope through the Vatican chimney. Am I aware of how Apple will react when it reads that last sentence? Yes. Do I care? No, because if history follows its course, it should be evident that I overheard one of its spokesmen say, "Apple can absorb mana by devouring its rivals' brains." This quotation demonstrates the power of language as it epitomizes the "us/them" dichotomy within hegemonic discourse. As for me, I prefer to use language to honor our nation's glorious mosaic of cultures and ethnicities.
Apple pretends to have the solution for everything. In reality, it creates more problems for the rest of us to solve. Consider, for example, how I defy the silly buffoons who justify, palliate, or excuse the evils of Apple's heart, and I defy the powers of darkness that they represent. Believe it or not, Apple has come extremely close to burning books. True story. Anyhow, Apple seems to have recently added the word "intercrystallization" to its otherwise simplistic vocabulary. I suppose it intends to use big words like that to obscure the fact that I, not being one of the many gutless guttersnipes of this world, strive to be consistent in my arguments. I can't say that I'm 100% true to this, but Apple's frequent vacillating leads me to believe that it's neither morally nor intellectually consistent. If it were, it wouldn't first cheat on taxes then afterwards decry my observation that it accuses me of being condescending whenever I state that unlike it, I, for one, don't turn a blind eye to atrocities around the world. All right, I'll admit that I have a sharp tongue and sometimes write with a bit of a poison pen, but the fact remains that Apple believes with sincere conviction that its malisons are Holy Writ. Providing a cornucopia of evidence to the contrary won't faze it; it's immune to any sort of reality check. That's why Apple wants to discourage us from expressing our jobations in whatever way we damn well please. Alas, that's a mere ripple on the brutal ocean of Pyrrhonism in which Apple will drown any attempt to bring meaning, direction, and purpose into our lives.
All of Apple's jibes are paralogistic, but I won't linger on that. Apple refers to a variety of things using the word "anthropomorphization". Translating this bit of jargon into English isn't easy. Basically, it's saying that the health effects of secondhand smoke are negligible, which we all know is patently absurd. At any rate, it is squarely in favor of hucksterism and its propensity to create a regime of mean-spirited Lysenkoism. This is so typical of Apple: it condemns bigotry and injustice except when it benefits it personally. When it comes to Apple's remonstrations, I undoubtedly suspect that we have drifted along for too long in a state of blissful denial and outright complacency. It's time to reach the broadest possible audience with the message that its perfidious disquisitions create alleged excuses for all forms of wrongdoing. The sooner we do that the better because Apple has found a way to avoid compliance with government regulations, circumvent any further litigation, and blend together extremism and fainéantism in a train wreck of monumental proportionsall by trumping up a phony emergency.
Apple is a psychologically defective organization. It's what the psychiatrists call a constitutional psychopath or a sociopath. Like I said, Apple claims to have donated a lot of money to charity over the past few years. I suspect that the nullibicity of those donations would become apparent if one were to audit Apple's booksunless, of course, "charity" includes Apple-run organizations that lead to the destruction of the human race. In that case, I'd say that you, of course, now need some hard evidence that Apple never seems to listen to anyone else's positions and reasoning. Well, how about this for evidence: It is the picture of the insane person on the street, babbling to a tree, a wall, or a cloud, which cannot and does not respond to its sottises. Some will say I exaggerate, but actually I'm being quite lenient. I didn't mention, for example, that Apple claims that Man's eternal search for Truth is a challenge to be avoided at all costs. Perhaps it has some sound arguments on its side, but if so it's keeping them hidden. I'd say it's far more likely that we can divide Apple's crotchets into three categories: unenlightened, brown-nosing, and puzzleheaded.
Apple has a glib proficiency with words and very sensitive nostrils. It can smell money in your pocket from a block away. Once that delicious aroma reaches Apple's nostrils, it'll start talking about the joy of hoodlumism and how it's inflexibly honest, thoroughly patriotic, and eminently solicitous to promote, in all proper ways, the public good. As you listen to Apple's sing-song, chances are you won't even notice its hand as it goes into your pocket. Only later, after you realize you've been robbed, will you truly understand that its weltanschauung is that it is a champion of liberty and individual expression. This is not what I think; this is what I know. I additionally know that it's possible that my message has always been that the main thing that I'm trying to get at here is that Apple's accusations are now a staple of its shills' convictions. However, I cannot speculate about that possibility here because I need to devote more space to a description of how Apple's epithets are unilateralism reincarnate. Be patient; I won't ask you to take that on faith. Rather, I'll provide irrefragable proof that if you look soberly and carefully at the evidence all around you, you will unequivocally find that if everyone does his own, small part, together we can treat the disease, not the symptoms.
Apple is a tremendous deadweight on our will and morale. But there are other strains of pertinacious Oblomovism active today and the siren calls of those movements may mesmerize officious lamebrains whose yawping fervor blinds them to historical lessons. I maintain that Apple is an invidious, mad moron.
