Finally spoke to a willing customer service rep on the phone tonight. After about an hour on the phone and some moral struggles on his end, he agreed to send me a new phone. He was clearly doing something outside of the established protocol, and you could tell it was a compromise on his end. It's amazing that the best solution apples crazy system could allow was replacing an entire phone rather than installing a battery.
Apple has a serious problem right now, where corporate protocols are held in higher regard than common sense and customer satisfaction. Thankfully, after talking to for representatives, I found one who is willing to see things as I see them.
Just FYI, the first representative I spoke to tonight, after waiting my turn in line for 30 minutes, put me on hold before asking any questions beyond my IMEI number, and then 10 minutes later the call was dropped.
Great service.... as I predicted, this situation was resolved in the manner that I knew it would be eventually. It was just a matter of how much pain Apple wanted me and their own customer service representatives to go through before hand. Totally unnecessary, it should've been taken care of in the store on the first day. The Apple of 5 years ago would have. When I walked into the Apple store after buying the iPhone 5 and I said "I have a charger cable in my phone, by my bed, in my living room, and in my kitchen, so I'm really not going to spend $90 to buy three additional charging cables for my new iPhone 5", person I spoke to immediately went in the back of the Apple Store and brought me two cables from the Service room. No questions asked, didn't even ask my name or Apple ID. That was good service.