iPhoto won't open!! D:

Weird, looks like it's quitting because it can't find an image. Make sure iPhoto is closed, then try deleting the com.apple.iphoto.plist in /username/Library/Preferences and see if that helps.

 

Hate to say it but you have not really effectively troubleshooted iPhoto...

Reinstalling is rarely first step. If you had created another user account on the system and tested iPhoto there, you would have been able to immediately identify whether a reinstall was actually necessary or not. What .pkg exactly did you run on the computer to reinstall iPhoto? Was it a standalone update? If a reinstall of the iPhoto application is necessary, start off first by removing the application itself, and its affiliated items from /Library/Receipts. Then find the Install Bundled Applications only icon on the first disc (on newer computers its on disc 2), customize the install to put just iPhoto back on the system, run updates, then try relaunching. And no, removing iPhoto does not remove your iPhoto Library or affect the pictures within it.