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Is it right to break up with someone in these circumstances?

furious

furious

macrumors 65816
Original poster
Aug 7, 2006
1,044
60
Australia
I have been seeing a girl for the last the last 13 weeks. Every time I plan a date she needs to get permission from her Dad. She is 20yrs old by the way and I am 25.

Tonight she calls me 20 minutes before our planned date to say that her dad won't let her go out with me tonight. This hurt me a lot. I have never experienced not being trusted before.

I also am not allowed to touch her when we are in the company of her parents.

I think I have made a good impression with her parents. When I first meet her Dad I shook his hand firmly and looked him in the eye (not returned in kind by the way). I asked him about his company and I spoke about my goals and aspirations for the future, the study I had done in the past, and study I had just completed. I do not see the reason why they do not trust me to take their daughter out.

I treat this girl with nothing but respect. I have never made any advances on her with out her instruction. I flat out asked her the first time before I kissed her if that would be ok.

Before I entered into the relationship I knew her family was conservative, I was not expecting the to get in the way of our relationship.

I have seen this girl grow into an amazing person over the past 13 weeks. It took me 2 weeks to get any answer out of her that was not a sorts, sometimes, maybe, I don't know. She has let me into her world and has shared with me all of her secrets. In her words she has removed her protective shell.

I like this girl a lot, but clearly not enough to be asking this question. Would it be fair to her to end our relationship because of the interference of her parents?

Signed, one frustrated lover.
 
Yes you can. You can end a relationship for whatever reason you want. I'm not going to tell you what your tolerance level should be.

However, I'll tell you what I would do: I'd keep going and see if her father/parents wear down a bit. 13 weeks is around 3 months. It's not long. If the situation doesn't appear to be getting any better after 6 months, then I'd definitely break up.



I also am not allowed to touch her when we are in the company of her parents.
Click to expand...

So? That's within the realm of normalcy, even for parents who aren't extremely conservative.
 
MacDawg said:
Before ending a relationship with a girl your really like... why not sit down and have an open and honest talk with the Dad?
Click to expand...

I agree. I would talk with her before the Dad. Ask her to speak with his dad about it as I would find it little intrusive if you started to talk about his and her relations. In the end, she should step up and tell the Dad that she's not her little girl anymore, she has a life to live and he can't do anything about it.

Tell her that you don't want to be the second male in her life, you want to be the first one (meaning that you don't want to listen her dad in everything and play games with his rules).

Some dads have this problem, they just cannot (or want to) see their little girl growing big and making her own decisions
 
Thank you for your advice. My original post is am emotional response.

I am trying to organise having dinner or lunch with her parents tomorrow.
 
This is stereotyping, and I'm stereotyping myself, but...

Are they Asian?
If yes, everything you described is to be "expected".

Are you Asian?
If yes, why are you surprised?
If no, sorry... her parents may never accept you.

Sorry dude, my parents are the same way... when my brother brings his girlfriend over for dinner, etc. they get very very uncomfortable, especially when they show any PDA. My brother is kind of oblivious.
 
Abstract said:
Yes you can. You can end a relationship for whatever reason you want. I'm not going to tell you what your tolerance level should be.

However, I'll tell you what I would do: I'd keep going and see if her father/parents wear down a bit. 13 weeks is around 3 months. It's not long. If the situation doesn't appear to be getting any better after 6 months, then I'd definitely break up.





So? That's within the realm of normalcy, even for parents who aren't extremely conservative.
Click to expand...

I agree, but I don't even think I could make it to three months. This seems like a passive aggressive control situation for the parents. If they don't back off, pretty soon they'll be controlling you as well. I wouldn't put up with that for one minute.
 
I think you have to consider the possibility that you are not being told the whole story concerning what the relationship is between the parents and your female friend. Another posters answer about talking with the family is a very good one. However I would let your friend know first about what your intent is
first. There may be more to this than meets the eye. If you really like her than it is well worth the extra step.
 
Abstract said:
So? That's within the realm of normalcy, even for parents who aren't extremely conservative.
Click to expand...
Maybe in Saudi Arabia....

I don't know if I'd dump the girl unless you see no other choice. She's 20, you're 25. Consenting adults, right? You sound like you're bringing her out of her shell, right? So it sounds like there's hope for her.

She needs to move out, far from the influence of her control freak dad. Ultimately he's the guy with the problem, not you or the girl. She may not be ready to make such a move yet, but she may if you can stick with her and continue helping her to blossom as an individual instead of a child that needs permission for everything from mommy and daddy.

Go have the talk with the family. But if it looks like there's no rational reason behind their possessiveness, then be prepared to make a decision as to whether you like this girl enough to help wean her away from her parents' control.
 
I grew up in an area where a lot of the girls were like this. I would say that most of them were given more control over their relationships once they were out of their teens though.

I think the advice you received about being direct with the father is not bad advice. It might potentially speed the relationship to an end if he does not approve of your confrontation. But if you genuinely care for the girl, you have a right to address your concerns.

Hope this helps.
 
I don't know what it's like for folks in Australia but that sort of business should have gone out the door around 11th or 12th grade. Also I can't help but thinking about how if the genders were reversed (20ish year old guy has to always have parents' permission to go on dates) how quickly the dude would get dropped.
 
That is definitely weird. She is an adult and should break away from her parents if they are that restrictive. I know its easier said than done if she lives with them but geeze. Her parents are the ones that need to grow up.

I have a friend who's dad is like that. She is 30 and he still controls her life. He won't let her stay out past midnight (wtf!!!) and he won't let her drink alcohol. I will go visit her sometimes since I know she doesn't have friends to hang with but I don't like to since her Dad is always controlling and wants her back by a certain time. He doesn't realize that high school was over 10 years ago and things are a bit different now...
 
I don't know how long I'd be able to deal with that. Maybe you can work with her and her parents to break her out of her shell and liberate her a bit, but certainly it depends on how long you can deal with the frustration of an unfulfilling relationship. Hell, my girlfriend and I sleep in the same room when visiting each other's parents' houses! :p I'm 22 and she's 21.
 
I don't know man. Two things are wrong here.

1. Her dad shouldn't be so protective obviously.

2. She should fight for you. I don't find it disrespectful for her to stand up to her dad for y'alls relationship. She is 20. Is she going to call "daddy" to see (if y'all get married) if you two can purchase a rug for your living room? If you are as respectful as you say you are then she should fight a little more.

That'd be hard for me to handle. My past girlfriend and I not only were allowed to go on dates (still laughing about all this) but we would snuggle on the couch while watching a movie with each others parents. No biggie.

If she is worth it, then fight for it. But something has to change. I like the six months advice given at the beginning of this thread.
 
the last time I was in a relationship like this was in high school. What I don't get these days is that people still let their parents run their lives past 18. Yes I understand that if you're still living with your parents there are rules. But if they sit there and still treat you like you're 16 then I completely disagree.

Like everyone said, you do have the right to break up with her. Her parent's won't let her grow up, she's 20 there will be a time in here life that she'll want to explore and date more people. And you don't want to be there when it happens.

Plus bro you're 25 find someone your age or around it 23-27 or 21, someone old enough to go have a drink with you. Someone that has a bit more experience in life than someone that has been shelled their whole life because of those over protective parents that just won't let their kids grow.
 
also what are you looking to get out of this relationship with her? Do you see her potentially being a long term/maybe get married to her? Are you looking to finally settle down? Because IMO you won't find that in 20 year old. Like I said she's going to want to explore and enjoy her 21-25 years and that will prob include lots of partying, hook ups, mistakes etc...
 
May as well confront her parents and take away something from the experience.

It's cute because my fiancee's Mom and Dad will still have these private talks with her four years later and they love me.
 
It sounds like she lives with her parents. If so, then their house, their rules. Deal with it or move on.

BTW, if the parents ever start liking you, then that is when you’ll probably get dumped.
 
I knew a girl who deserved to be treated this way, without her parents watching out for her ... she would have taken herself out of the gene pool.

When she did something wrong, police cruisers would show up to help her out.

Of course, I've watched Idiocracy, and she could have starred in that movie.

She got mad when her boyfriend yelled at her to stop so she didn't run into my car while doing a 3 point turn, she gets out crying and locks the keys in the car with it running blocking the road, police father has 5 cruisers show up. :(

---

She had to call when she left somewhere and when she arrived, in by a certain hour, etc. Sort of sad, like a 19 year old kid.
 
I hate to say it but a 20 year old girl who can't make decisions without asking daddy is not what you want now, or ever. Based on experience, these people have family on the mind all the time. If she isn't convinced you aren't good enough for her yet, her father soon will twist it that way.

Suck it up and move on. You're young and seriously 25 is no age to be dealing with this crap. Been there, done it. Hurt me to move on, but knew her father would never accept me and I was right.

BTW... she married the man daddy loved and they are now divorced less than a year later. People with crazy family ties and who can't separate themselves from over protective parents are doomed and you want to stay clear.

my $.02
 
I have thought long and hard about meting with her parents and I can only see it ending one way, which is bad for her. i know if i mention to her father that he needs to give his daughter some space to develop he will stop her from seeing anyone. After running through what she has told me I believe if I was to talk to him about this it would end badly for her.

I need to find a way to say that he needs to let his daughter have the space she needs to continue to grow into the amazing person I have seen and protect her welfare.
 
furious said:
I have thought long and hard about meting with her parents and I can only see it ending one way, which is bad for her. i know if i mention to her father that he needs to give his daughter some space to develop he will stop her from seeing anyone. After running through what she has told me I believe if I was to talk to him about this it would end badly for her.

I need to find a way to say that he needs to let his daughter have the space she needs to continue to grow into the amazing person I have seen and protect her welfare.
Click to expand...

If she is continuously growing then allow her to. Be patient with her and she will repay you ten fold. Eventually she will get tired of it and stand up for herself. She has to know you will never leave her before she stands up against the man who has been her life for so many years. It's a daughter-dad thing.
 
Unless she really wants to get away from this, it'll be one of those ... but we can't move there, i'd be too far from mom and dad.

Also had a friend like this.

Gave up a really good internship at NASA after a semester, because he couldn't be away from his girl ... and she couldn't go to florida, because it was too far from her parents.

---

Imagine your life if you can't get away from the smothering and controlling constant phone calls from the in-laws.

Plus the daily or weekly visits, and the chance for them to find you a really nice place within walking distance of them.
 
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