Looking for a security program

I'm looking for a very specific program.

Recently some of my family members have thought that it would be funny to reach into my window and try to steal my MacBook from its happy perch. Since I don't find that funny at all, I want to fight back. The program I'm looking for would monitor my usage and determine when I've been away from the desk for more than 5 minutes. After that, any time something is unplugged a loud noise is released from the computer. Ideally it would override the volume and output device to scare away any potential felon.

Maybe I'm evil for doing this against my own family, but a guy's gotta protect his Mac, right? Right?