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Mylodon

macrumors member
Original poster
Sep 25, 2023
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139
Los Angles
Not sure if you guys have faced this situation in a relationship before, would love to ask for some advice.

We have been together for three years and I have been very busy this year. The issue at hand is that I've been neglecting her due to work, often not communicating with her when making decisions. There were times when she spoke to me enthusiastically, but because I was too busy and tired(last week had a fever also), I didn't engage, leading to her frustration and subsequent arguments. I recognize it's my mistake, and I want to sincerely apologize to her and buy her some thoughtful gifts.

I'm considering giving her a bouquet, and I'm thinking of roses. Would that be appropriate?

Her hair dryer broke recently, and with the cold weather, I want to replace it as soon as possible. Do you have any recommendations for a good hair dryer?

I would appreciate any suggestions you have in mind for something that girls might like.
 
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fanboy-ish

macrumors 6502
Apr 1, 2022
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I'd suggest a dinner in a place she could like, but that is also quiet, red roses and, most importantly, talking candidly with her, telling her you're sorry, stating what happened and, I'd also suggest, coming up with possible solutions, how are you planning on not neglecting her as much, in case another period like that happens.

Or also a weekend together in a relaxing place, like a spa, if she likes it, or just doing whatever she likes.

Give her what can't be bought: your time. And, of course, apologies. And, naturally, what you will do to avoid this situation from happening again.
 

laptech

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Apr 26, 2013
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....

Give her what can't be bought: your time. And, of course, apologies. And, naturally, what you will do to avoid this situation from happening again.
That is an excellent suggestion in my opinion because from the OP's post it seems clear the girlfriend wants to engage her time with him but cannot do so because he's been too busy. So give her what she's been missing, your time. That is an excellent suggestion @fanboy-ish.

As for the talking part about being sorry and will try to be more engaging, only say those words if you actually mean it because nothing will be worse than you doing all of this and then go back to how things are with you being busy. It is your responsibility to find the time so stop making excuses about you can't because of work. You MAKE the time, it's that simple or the relationship will start to die.
 

eyoungren

macrumors Penryn
Aug 31, 2011
28,548
26,386
I'd just ask her. Everyone is different. Flowers or jewelry, cards, etc don't go far with my wife, although she likes them. But the important stuff there can't really be a price on and 'apology' gifts should be secondary to the actual apology. They aren't a stand in for that. Who wants apology gifts from someone who really isn't sorry - just buys a gift to make things 'okay' again?

Going forward, if she truly is someone you love, then act on it. Maybe there are small things you can do help her out. My wife is a teacher and I make her coffee every morning (she's a coffee fiend) and bring it to her when she's getting ready for work. Her travel mug of coffee is also filled by the time she's out the door. I do it because I love her and that's one thing I can do to express it.
 

Apple fanboy

macrumors Ivy Bridge
Feb 21, 2012
54,759
52,313
Behind the Lens, UK
Not sure if you guys have faced this situation in a relationship before, would love to ask for some advice.

We have been together for three years and I have been very busy this year. The issue at hand is that I've been neglecting her due to work, often not communicating with her when making decisions. There were times when she spoke to me enthusiastically, but because I was too busy and tired(last week had a fever also), I didn't engage, leading to her frustration and subsequent arguments. I recognize it's my mistake, and I want to sincerely apologize to her and buy her some thoughtful gifts.

I'm considering giving her a bouquet, and I'm thinking of roses. Would that be appropriate?

Her hair dryer broke recently, and with the cold weather, I want to replace it as soon as possible. Do you have any recommendations for a good hair dryer?

I would appreciate any suggestions you have in mind for something that girls might like.
Married 25 years here. My take on this is don’t tell her you are sorry. Show her.
Change the behaviour that is a problem.

As for gifts that girls will like, I think you find they are all different. My wife hates flowers but likes plants.
You should know what sort of gift your girlfriend likes. If you don’t then you really haven’t been paying attention.
 

Kung

macrumors 6502
Feb 3, 2006
447
450
Give her what can't be bought: your time. And, of course, apologies. And, naturally, what you will do to avoid this situation from happening again.

Married 22 years this last July, and I echo this, as well as what @Apple fanboy said. The entire reason this thread exists is because you're asking about an apology for what amounts to a lack of time spent on her.

So...give her THAT. Gifts are nice, but what *SHE* wants is time and effort spent on her. No gift in the world can or will replace that...and conversely, time and effort spent on her is worth far more than any gift. :)
 

yaxomoxay

macrumors 604
Mar 3, 2010
7,378
34,150
Texas
Not sure if you guys have faced this situation in a relationship before, would love to ask for some advice.

We have been together for three years and I have been very busy this year. The issue at hand is that I've been neglecting her due to work, often not communicating with her when making decisions. There were times when she spoke to me enthusiastically, but because I was too busy and tired(last week had a fever also), I didn't engage, leading to her frustration and subsequent arguments. I recognize it's my mistake, and I want to sincerely apologize to her and buy her some thoughtful gifts.

I'm considering giving her a bouquet, and I'm thinking of roses. Would that be appropriate?

Her hair dryer broke recently, and with the cold weather, I want to replace it as soon as possible. Do you have any recommendations for a good hair dryer?

I would appreciate any suggestions you have in mind for something that girls might like.
Married 20 years and had my doses of marriage/couple crisis.

I don’t recommend gifts, at least not in a vacuum. It would look like you’re buying her need for your time with material purchases. In other words, you’re putting a price tag on something that is absolutely priceless (time, love).

A dinner will do, or a road trip somewhere. But again, not in a vacuum. Make a point to spend time with her every week, if not every day. Spending time with her means exactly that: be fully focused on the experience. If you can find time for a coworker or a business meeting, you can find time for her. That’s what she needs to know.
 

MRxROBOT

macrumors 6502a
Apr 14, 2016
785
814
01000011 01000001
Not sure if you guys have faced this situation in a relationship before, would love to ask for some advice.

We have been together for three years and I have been very busy this year. The issue at hand is that I've been neglecting her due to work, often not communicating with her when making decisions. There were times when she spoke to me enthusiastically, but because I was too busy and tired(last week had a fever also), I didn't engage, leading to her frustration and subsequent arguments. I recognize it's my mistake, and I want to sincerely apologize to her and buy her some thoughtful gifts.

I'm considering giving her a bouquet, and I'm thinking of roses. Would that be appropriate?

Her hair dryer broke recently, and with the cold weather, I want to replace it as soon as possible. Do you have any recommendations for a good hair dryer?

I would appreciate any suggestions you have in mind for something that girls might like.

My wife loves her Dyson hair dryer, but it is on the pricier side as far as hair dryers go.

 

eyoungren

macrumors Penryn
Aug 31, 2011
28,548
26,386
My wife loves her Dyson hair dryer, but it is on the pricier side as far as hair dryers go.

My wife will never say no to kitchen or household appliances. She was extremely happy when I bought her a Keurig for her room at school. Also, school supplies - because she likes that stuff. SMH :D When she found out that Ticonderoga makes a black colored pencil, she almost lost it.
 

Scepticalscribe

macrumors Ivy Bridge
Jul 29, 2008
63,397
45,914
In a coffee shop.
Not sure if you guys have faced this situation in a relationship before, would love to ask for some advice.

We have been together for three years and I have been very busy this year. The issue at hand is that I've been neglecting her due to work, often not communicating with her when making decisions. There were times when she spoke to me enthusiastically, but because I was too busy and tired(last week had a fever also), I didn't engage, leading to her frustration and subsequent arguments.
Several posters, @Apple fanboy, @eyoungren, @Kung, and @yaxomoxay, and @Rafterman and @fanboy-ish - all male - and, I think, all married - have tendered some excellent advice.
I recognize it's my mistake, and I want to sincerely apologize to her and buy her some thoughtful gifts.
See my observations (below) on gifts, especially gifts intended as apologies or appeasement.

My father - a man - was gifted with generosity of character (and kindness) and, for a man of his generation, what I now realise (with adult hindsight) was extraordinary emotional intelligence.

One of the ways that this was expressed was in choosing, selecting, excellent gifts that the recipients invariably loved and appreciated.

This was because he thought of the people to whom he gave gifts (his sister, his wife, his children, his mother - while she lived) as individuals: He saw who they were as people, and put considerable thought into choosing something appropriate for that particular person, what they might like, or what they might wish to have, what they would enjoy, not what he thought society had scripted as appropriate for him to want to give them.
I'm considering giving her a bouquet, and I'm thinking of roses. Would that be appropriate?
What does she actually like?

I'm female, and I loathe bouquets (as did my mother, and, as @Apple fanboy - who has tendered some excellent advice, as have @eyoungren and @yaxomoxay, and @Kung plus @Rafterman - says is also the case with Mrs AFB).

My mother loved plants (because she was a keen and gifted gardener), but disliked bouquets of flowers.

Bouquets of flowers scream to high heaven of the quintessence of a rushed gift, born of guilt, a cringeworthy cliché that represents an utter lack of imagination (combined with an appalling lack of knowledge - does your girlfriend actually like flowers? Do you even know whether she does? If not, why not?) but hopes to buy peace (and/or forgiveness) with a bouquet of flowers.

Likewise, chocolate.

In other words, no flowers or chocolate unless you know that she either likes, or desires, them.

So, ask her what she likes and what she might like by way of a gift.


Her hair dryer broke recently, and with the cold weather, I want to replace it as soon as possible. Do you have any recommendations for a good hair dryer?
Ask her what she would like.

In other words, consult her - above all, seek her opinion, her thoughts, her preferences - before making any such purchase. Do not buy a hairdryer without prior consultation, conversation, communication. "Surprises" are not a good idea.

Do you know the sort of things she likes?

If not, why not?

Her taste in food, (women often have pronounced preferences in food), her taste in music, in politics, in books? Does she like concerts? Does she like plays? Poetry readings? Arts festivals?

Personally, I'd far prefer - for example (and these were presents my brother had bought me for my birthday and for Christmas) to attend a Pink Martini concert or an Ennio Morricone concert - because I love both Pink Martini and Ennio Morricone - to a bunch of flowers.

What are her interests? Her hobbies? What does she like to do?

You have been with her for three years, therefore, by now, you should know something about her, and something about her likes and dislikes, her preferences, and what she cannot abide, what her interests are, what sets her alight with pleasure.
I would appreciate any suggestions you have in mind for something that girls might like.
This is not a question of "what girls might like" (as though we are a collective - like a hive mind - that can be deciphered if you can crack the code).

There is not a script to be followed, and a great many women dislike the sort of - I have always personally thought they are intellectually lazy, for they show panic, a lack of imagination and a lack of knowledge of the recipient - gifts that seem to follow a rote script (the old "chocolate and flowers" stuff), for which they are expected to be grateful.

Fun fact: Women are individuals, with (often strongly marked) individual preferences and likes. And yes, dislikes.

Rather, this is a question of what the person (note, person), who is your girlfriend likes. Not, what "a girl" likes.

Now, clearly, time, (as @yaxomoxay points out, as have others, including @eyoungren, @Apple fanboy, @Kung, @fanboy-ish), is one major issue.

Thus, the solution is clear: Spend more time with her. Make an effort to spend more time with her. Be clear that spending some time with her - and listening to her - is a priority for you.

There is another issue - and this one, were it to happen with me, would make my blood boil, for it is even more important than the time issue, and it is this:

You write that you have been "often not communicating with her when making decisions"; I'd want to murder you for that. Seriously, even more than making time for someone (which is enormously important), communication matters, but, above all, consultation matters.

If the decisions (in any way) affect her - in other words, if someone is your partner, your personal decisions, and your professional decisions will matter to them, and will have an effect upon them, then, not only will she want to be consulted, but, she will need to be consulted, to be communicated with, with her opinion and thoughts sought, before you make such decisions.

At the very least, your partner deserves consultation, and deserves dialogue, communication and conversation when decisions are being made. Your partner deserves respect.

Now, re dinner: Personally, I love fine dining, but this is not to everyone's taste; my advice would be not to even dare - or dream of - taking her out to dinner without ascertaining in advance the sort of meal - and the sort of restaurant - she may care for.
 
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eyoungren

macrumors Penryn
Aug 31, 2011
28,548
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I'm female, and I loathe bouquets (as did my mother, and, as @Apple fanboy - who has tendered some excellent advice, as have @eyoungren and @yaxomoxay, and @Kung plus @Rafterman - says is also the case with Mrs AFB).

Bouquets of flowers scream to high heaven of the quintessence of a rushed gift, born of guilt, a cringeworthy cliché that represents an utter lack of imagination (combined with an appalling lack of knowledge - does your girlfriend actually like flowers? Do you even know whether she does? If not, why not?) but hopes to buy peace (and/or forgiveness) with a bouquet of flowers.

Likewise, chocolate.

In other words, no flowers or chocolate unless you know that she either likes, or desires, them.
A particular problem with these types of gift (and I might also add cards) is that they are temporary. Flowers will eventually wilt and die. It takes work to keep them fresh and who is doing that work? Likewise, chocolate that sits can taste funny later on, or it is consumed.

Either way, the 'apology' gift doesn't stick around very long. I mentioned cards. These are situational and life has a habit of making past memories rather hazy over time. Unless flowers, chocolate or cards are so over the top spectacular they are unlikely to be remembered. And with cards, you also run the risk of causing the exact opposite response - as your girlfriend begins to remember all the hurt that was the reason for the card (or gift).

Oh, and an unrelated side note: My wife and I refuse to participate in Valentines Day. We're not good with being TOLD that this is the one day a year we are to express our love for each other. Further, that unless we do it on this day and this day only it doesn't mean anything.

I can do what I want to express my love any day of the year I damn well please and I don't need a Hallmark Holiday to make it official.

I bring this up in the context of the topic of this thread to indicate just how useless I feel an 'apology' gift is when it doesn't mean anything.
 

Scepticalscribe

macrumors Ivy Bridge
Jul 29, 2008
63,397
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In a coffee shop.
A particular problem with these types of gift (and I might also add cards) is that they are temporary. Flowers will eventually wilt and die. It takes work to keep them fresh and who is doing that work? Likewise, chocolate that sits can taste funny later on, or it is consumed.
Agree, but equally unprepossessing is the fact that they are clichéd and unimaginative, are following a very tired script, and could be bought for anyone by anyone, and, usually are, and in a flustered rush, at that.

All too often (not always, yes, and sometimes, this is what the recipient would like), gifts of bouquets of flowers, chocolate (and yes, cards) scream "I know I have to/ought to get you something but I don't know what, I can't think what you might like, don't know the first thing about what you like, and cannot be bothered to find out, but hopefully, as this follows the approved script, this will shut you up".

A concert (or - for example - a book reading by an artist, a writer, the recipient loves, my mother and I attended a talk given by Nadine Gordimer over two decades ago, which I still remember with warmth) is also temporary, but, if it is to something given by an artist, or a musician, that the person who is to receive this gift actually loves, then, it will work as a gift, because it will show that the donor actually knew, actually listened, actually saw, actually paid heed to, and actually remembered what the intended recipient - the person for whom the gift is given - actually liked.
Either way, the 'apology' gift doesn't stick around very long. I mentioned cards. These are situational and life has a habit of making past memories rather hazy over time. Unless flowers, chocolate or cards are so over the top spectacular they are unlikely to be remembered. And with cards, you also run the risk of causing the exact opposite response - as your girlfriend begins to remember all the hurt that was the reason for the card (or gift).
Agreed.
Oh, and an unrelated side note: My wife and I refuse to participate in Valentines Day. We're not good with being TOLD that this is the one day a year we are to express our love for each other. Further, that unless we do it on this day and this day only it doesn't mean anything.

I can do what I want to express my love any day of the year I damn well please and I don't need a Hallmark Holiday to make it official.

I bring this up in the context of the topic of this thread to indicate just how useless I feel an 'apology' gift is when it doesn't mean anything.
Excellent point, and I agree completely with you.

My parents always remembered one another's birthdays, their (joint) wedding anniversary, and Christmas when exchanging gifts, or treating one another; they were happily married (and were close friends) for one month short of 45 years, and they didn't need Valentine's Day to confirm this.
 
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yaxomoxay

macrumors 604
Mar 3, 2010
7,378
34,150
Texas
Agree, but equally unprepossessing is the fact that they are clichéd and unimaginative, are following a very tired script, and could be bought for anyone by anyone, and, usually are, and in a flustered rush, at that.
I agree, but I’d like that the issue is not the present per se. It’s all about context. Flowers are flowers, but they might be the old cliche or a beautiful thing. For example, a few weeks ago I sent flowers at the school where my wife works (granted, I knew it wasn’t frowned upon). There was absolutely no formal reason for it, no anniversary, no birthday, no apology-making. Just a gift, out of nowhere to let her know I was thinking of her. She was so happy when she got them! (And she told me that her colleagues were all impressed lol telling her “how lucky”). Again, it was a fairly cheap present, with nothing intrinsically valuable… but the meaning was very important and she perceived it. I recommend the OP to use the same mindset.
 
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txa1265

macrumors 65816
Aug 15, 2002
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Corning, NY
Another long-married person here (31 years) and what she has missed from you is TIME and PRIORITY ... so don't try to substitute STUFF for those ... it is a losing combination. It truly IS the thought that counts. Cool stuff is nice, but very secondary to actually showing her through actions that you are sorry and that you care.
 

Scepticalscribe

macrumors Ivy Bridge
Jul 29, 2008
63,397
45,914
In a coffee shop.
I agree, but I’d like that the issue is not the present per se. It’s all about context. Flowers are flowers, but they might be the old cliche or a beautiful thing. For example, a few weeks ago I sent flowers at the school where my wife works (granted, I knew it wasn’t frowned upon). There was absolutely no formal reason for it, no anniversary, no birthday, no apology-making. Just a gift, out of nowhere to let her know I was thinking of her. She was so happy when she got them! (And she told me that her colleagues were all impressed lol telling her “how lucky”). Again, it was a fairly cheap present, with nothing intrinsically valuable… but the meaning was very important and she perceived it. I recommend the OP to use the same mindset.
Agree, context is important, (and, that was a lovely gift).

However, seriously, the OP (@Mylodon) should make absolutely certain that flowers would be received - would be wanted, would be desired, for, not all women like them, in fact, a great many actually dislike them - before reaching for them as a possible gift (especially, when proffered as part of a sort of apology; that might link flowers and apologies forever in the mind of the recipient).

The only time in my life when I was pleased to receive flowers was when one particular friend sent me a large (and lovely) bouquet on the day of the launch to coincide with the fact that my book (a history book) had been published; this was entirely unexpected, but a lovely way to mark the day.

However, your own earlier advice in this thread was excellent.
 
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yaxomoxay

macrumors 604
Mar 3, 2010
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Texas
Agree, context is important, (and, that was a lovely gift).

However, seriously, the OP (@Mylodon) should make absolutely certain that flowers would be received - would be wanted, would be desired, for, not all women like them, in fact, a great many actually dislike them - before reaching for them as a possible gift (especially, when proffered as part of a sort of apology; that might link flowers and apologies forever in the mind of the recipient).

The only time in my life when I was pleased to receive flowers was when one particular friend sent me a large (and lovely) bouquet on the day of the launch to coincide with the fact that my book (a history book) had been published; this was entirely unexpected, but a lovely way to mark the day.

However, your own earlier advice in this thread was excellent.
Absolutely agreed.

For example, I know that if I was to gift you something, it would not be flowers but great coffee and amazing beer.
 

Scepticalscribe

macrumors Ivy Bridge
Jul 29, 2008
63,397
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In a coffee shop.
Absolutely agreed.

For example, I know that if I was to gift you something, it would not be flowers but great coffee and amazing beer.
Excellent, and, exactly.

Moreover, I suspect, that it would be likewise, in your own case.

Granted, fine wines wouldn't go amiss, either.

And book tokens will always work, for me.

An aside: A gentleman - who was once upon a distant time - in my life, answered - when asked what he might like by way of a gift - "alcohol never offends".
 
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Scepticalscribe

macrumors Ivy Bridge
Jul 29, 2008
63,397
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In a coffee shop.
I'd just ask her. Everyone is different. Flowers or jewelry, cards, etc don't go far with my wife, although she likes them. But the important stuff there can't really be a price on and 'apology' gifts should be secondary to the actual apology. They aren't a stand in for that. Who wants apology gifts from someone who really isn't sorry - just buys a gift to make things 'okay' again?
Excellent points.
Going forward, if she truly is someone you love, then act on it. Maybe there are small things you can do help her out. My wife is a teacher and I make her coffee every morning (she's a coffee fiend) and bring it to her when she's getting ready for work. Her travel mug of coffee is also filled by the time she's out the door. I do it because I love her and that's one thing I can do to express it.
This is what I wished to return to, with this post.

To my mind, this is a superb example of what we are discussing.

A small gesture, but infinitely caring - and, this is key, is infinitely caring in a way that clearly demonstrates that the person who is doing this - in this case, preparing coffee - has seen, noticed, taken on board, and, above all, remembered, what his partner, wife, actually likes, - namely, that she is a coffee fiend - and has taken steps to show this, and to show it early in the morning when she is stressed and rushed, and (very probably, I know that I would, as I am not a morning person by temperament or inclination) and would probably greatly appreciate it.

My brother (who is referred to on these threads as Decent Brother, and who resembles my father in character), doesn't much care for coffee, but knows, and remembers, that I do, for, I, too, "am a coffee fiend".

Thus, whenever I stay with him, (and he rises early, leaving before 7.a.m to catch a train or bus to the city centre where he works as a solicitor for the government), the coffee (real coffee which he doesn't drink, but I do) has been already put out for me, as have the coffee filter papers, the Hario dripper for the filter papers, brown sugar (in case I want some, usually I don't), and a mug; there will be organic milk in the fridge. Sometimes, if he has time, he will squeeze a grapefruit for me - he will buy grapefuit when I stay - because I love freshly squeezed citrus juice in the mornings.

This is an expression of love, not just that he does it, but that he has noticed what I like.

(The favour is returned, by the way, whenever he stays with me; I make a point of cooking what I know he would like, etc).
 
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eyoungren

macrumors Penryn
Aug 31, 2011
28,548
26,386
Excellent points.

This is what I wished to return to, with this post.

To my mind, this is a superb example of what we are discussing.

A small gesture, but infinitely caring - and, this is key, is infinitely caring in a way that clearly demonstrates that the person who is doing this - in this case, preparing coffee - has seen, noticed, taken on board, and, above all, remembered, what his partner, wife, actually likes, - namely, that she is a coffee fiend - and has taken steps to show this, and to show it early in the morning when she is stressed and rushed, and (very probably, I know that I would, as I am not a morning person by temperament or inclination) would greatly appreciate it.

My brother (who is referred to on these threads as Decent Brother, and who resembles my father in character), doesn't much care for coffee, but knows, and remembers, that I do, for, I, too, "am a coffee fiend".

Thus, whenever I stay with him, (and he rises early, leaving before 7.a.m to catch a train or bus to the city centre where he works as a solicitor for the government), the coffee (real coffee which he doesn't drink, but I do) has been already put out for me, as have the coffee filter papers, the Hario dripper for the filter papers, brown sugar (in case I want some, usually I don't), and a mug; sometimes, if he has time, he will squeeze a grapefruit for me - he will buy grapefuit when I stay - because I love freshly squeezed citrus juice in the mornings.

This is an expression of love, not just that he does it, but that he has noticed what I like.

(The favour is returned, by the way, whenever he stays with me; I make a point of cooking what I know he would like, etc).
My wife and I met in late 1994 and started dating in early 1995. We've been married 26 years now. From the beginning it was evident that she was a coffee fiend. :) She can drink an entire pot before bed and fall right asleep. She introduced me to coffee (and cream and sugar with it), something I was willing to try because we were dating. It had never occurred to me that my father's Sanka and MGB were as garbage as they were. I'd just thought all coffee was like that. So I never drank much until her.

Anyway, like me (and you I guess), my wife is not a morning person. We both had to adapt when taking on careers that involve showing up before 8am. Early on this was a particular frustrating aspect for her and she'd often be out the door without any coffee at all. While I serve as the family 'alarm clock', I can't make other family members get up and ready on time beyond waking them up. So this was a problem with her morning routine because she never had enough time to prepare her morning coffee.

So I asked how I could help and she suggested that making her coffee and bringing it to her would be great. So, that's what I've done for quite a few years now. She's still rushing to get out the door, but at least she's had her coffee.

PS. The weekends/holidays/days off are different. She isn't trying to get out the door so she doesn't hold me to bringing her coffee. I will though if asked.
 

Scepticalscribe

macrumors Ivy Bridge
Jul 29, 2008
63,397
45,914
In a coffee shop.
My wife and I met in late 1994 and started dating in early 1995. We've been married 26 years now. From the beginning it was evident that she was a coffee fiend. :) She can drink an entire pot before bed and fall right asleep. She introduced me to coffee (and cream and sugar with it), something I was willing to try because we were dating. It had never occurred to me that my father's Sanka and MGB were as garbage as they were. I'd just thought all coffee was like that. So I never drank much until her.

Anyway, like me (and you I guess), my wife is not a morning person. We both had to adapt when taking on careers that involve showing up before 8am. Early on this was a particular frustrating aspect for her and she'd often be out the door without any coffee at all. While I serve as the family 'alarm clock', I can't make other family members get up and ready on time beyond waking them up. So this was a problem with her morning routine because she never had enough time to prepare her morning coffee.

So I asked how I could help and she suggested that making her coffee and bringing it to her would be great. So, that's what I've done for quite a few years now. She's still rushing to get out the door, but at least she's had her coffee.

PS. The weekends/holidays/days off are different. She isn't trying to get out the door so she doesn't hold me to bringing her coffee. I will though if asked.
Brilliant.

If there was an emoji for prolonged and sustained applause, I would click on it.

Yes, - even now - I can consume coffee in the evening without ill-effect, and positively lived on coffee as a student.

And, as I am not a morning person, this is exactly the sort of gesture that would win my whole-hearted, undying approval (and does, as with my brother's version of putting everything I will need out, and ensuring that anything I might want, wish or need is readily to hand).

Well done, you.

And what is key is not just that you are meeting you wife's immediate needs (and those would be my exact needs, too, although I will usually make time for coffee, if nothing else, when in a rush, and dashing out the door) but that you have identified those needs, and seen, noticed, recognised (and acted upon) what she, as a person, would like and would deeply appreciate.

This isn't an expensive gift, but it is thoughtful, and is something that she appreciates deeply (as I would, in similar circumstances).
 
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The-Real-Deal82

macrumors P6
Jan 17, 2013
16,125
23,745
Wales, United Kingdom
Not sure if you guys have faced this situation in a relationship before, would love to ask for some advice.

We have been together for three years and I have been very busy this year. The issue at hand is that I've been neglecting her due to work, often not communicating with her when making decisions. There were times when she spoke to me enthusiastically, but because I was too busy and tired(last week had a fever also), I didn't engage, leading to her frustration and subsequent arguments. I recognize it's my mistake, and I want to sincerely apologize to her and buy her some thoughtful gifts.

I'm considering giving her a bouquet, and I'm thinking of roses. Would that be appropriate?

Her hair dryer broke recently, and with the cold weather, I want to replace it as soon as possible. Do you have any recommendations for a good hair dryer?

I would appreciate any suggestions you have in mind for something that girls might like.

I bought my wife a GHD hair dryer a couple of years ago as it’s her favourite brand and good quality. It was about £170 but got me in the good books well and truly.
 

Scepticalscribe

macrumors Ivy Bridge
Jul 29, 2008
63,397
45,914
In a coffee shop.
I bought my wife a GHD hair dryer a couple of years ago as it’s her favourite brand and good quality. It was about £170 but got me in the good books well and truly.
The fact that you knew (and had noticed, and had remembered) that this was her favourite brand - and that you also knew that she would welcome the gift of a good quality hair-dryer - is every bit as important as the fact that you actually got her this gift.

As @yaxomoxay observed, earlier in this thread, context is everything.
 

laptech

Suspended
Apr 26, 2013
3,420
3,733
Earth
The fact that you knew (and had noticed, and had remembered) that this was her favourite brand - and that you also knew that she would welcome the gift of a good quality hair-dryer - is every bit as important as the fact that you actually got her this gift.

As @yaxomoxay observed, earlier in this thread, context is everything.
This all boils down to the primary cause/solution/reason..(I know I am not using the right word here but I think you understand what I am trying to say here) and that is communication, paying attention and being observant. I am sure those who have commented that are in long term relationships/marriage will have probably been saying in their mind 'if someone needs to ask the question what do they need to get their partner as a way of an apology' then that person has failed in the primary core functions of a relationship which communication, pay attention and being observant because they should know automatically what to do in the way of an apology.

The coffee fiend, observing his wife's struggles in the morning, asking her how can he help (communication), listening to what she says (paying attention) and then acting on it. Many people may see making coffee in the morning for one's partner as being a trivial thing but in this relationship it's a big thing because his coffee making in the morning goes along way to helping his wife get ready in the morning, something she appreciates.

The sending of flowers to wife at work, again something many would not consider doing but it works for this couple because the husband has paid attention to his wife over the years and observed if the receiving of flowers is something she would appreciate. Cleary she does.

Getting the wife her favorite hairdryer. Again comes down to communication (the things she likes), paying attention (her mentioning about the hairdryer)

What this shows is the very true example that not every relationship is the same and thus what will work for one will not necessarily work for another (some like flowers, others do not, some like material things, other do not).

OP, the problem you have is that whilst there have been a lot of good suggestions, those suggestions is what has worked for the couples concerned, because over time the partner has communicated, paid attention and been observant of their other half and grown to learn her likes, dislikes, her wants and needs. You say you've been together with your partner for 3 years so there must be something you've learnt about her during that time, yes? or have you been a total failure with regards to communication, paying attention and being observant that you do not know your partner all that well?
 
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