"Love Defined"

[AaronHeth]

I see many threads around the forum on relationships, love, and what not, and while I usually don't participate in any of those, I thought it would be refreshing to add something that is a little bit different. Its a story of my own, one that is close to my heart.

While I'm sure there are plenty of errors thrown throughout it, I'm not really looking for critical comments (although they wouldn't offend me), I'm just looking to share this. I was trying to find a larger audience and a friend recommended posting it here. I assumed there should be at least a few who would enjoy it.

It is quite long. While being the story of one of the most important relationships of my life, it is also my reflections on love and relationships in general. There are scattered bits of humor, emotion, etc., but I will leave that to those of you who would like to read it. In no way is this suppose to be me trying to gush my feelings on to anyone else, though.

I suppose there is little else to say for an introduction, but, I hope you enjoy. It is five parts, and because of its length I must break it up into a few posts.

Part I
Her name is Sausha.

I met her through an old girlfriend, named Sara. I had known Sara from the age of, I don’t know, 12? It was a distance thing, and stupid for such young kids to “go out.” It was on and off, and we talked that way (on and off) for years. By the time March rolled around in 2004, I was up to my old tricks and thoughts again. “Hey, things are the same old same old, I need to talk to Sara. I just feel it. I need to.” I said that to myself for about a week, and ironically, she popped online and sent me a message only a few days later. She was rarely online, so this was unusual.

Sara was staying at a friend’s house. I didn’t care about that too much, I was just excited to be talking to Sara again. I called her at her friend’s house. Her friend’s name was Sausha. I talked to Sara, and had a very good, long conversation. We enjoyed each other’s company. There was a moment I talked to Sausha for that night. She seemed like a nice person, but at this point, I was enthralled with the thought of Sara and I again. Sausha got my email address that time, and we would occasionally talk online. Usually, when I was talking about Sara, or asking where Sara was or what was going on with her. That’s a completely different story.

Sara and I talked for the month of April and most of May. Like always, things fell apart, but Sausha and I kept in good contact. I would talk to her for a bit every few days. She was dating this boy named Logan. Some crazy drug-addict, drop out. Stupid for her to date him, I know. Sara and I spent hours trying to give her the courage to leave him. He did treat her badly, she was unloved and uncared for, but you know those silly teenagers feelings.

There was a time, again, with no “feelings” towards her on my part, that I sent her the lyrics to “Betterman” by Pearl Jam. It was my song to her, because of this boy named Logan. June (2004) rolled around and she was very excited to tell me she had finally gotten the courage to get over and leave him. We didn’t talk much at first. We were busy. But since school was out, and I was feeling better about life, I opened myself up to a little flirtation.

So this bit of flirtation lasted for a few days, on and off. It wasn’t really anything, but I had the striking suspicion that she liked me. Still, at this point, I really wasn’t looking for a relationship and had no feelings. The continuation of me pressuring her about her feelings towards me started to lead somewhere though. It wasn’t flirtation leading me to ask her these questions, but sheer belief that I was right. I could just tell. She finally began to admit it somewhat. I have logs, oh do I have logs. I will not go and look at them at this point though, it would upset me too much.

She was reading an essay or two I wrote one night. I believe they were “Repetition & Life” and “So You Want a Miracle.” She was at her sister’s, who was about 23. She showed them to her sister, and her sister had the compulsion to come and tell me I was not the age that I was. I was 15, and her sister, named Kinyata, was assuring herself that I was actually her age. Jokingly, she wanted me to call to prove it. Not in a joking manner, though, she told me Sausha really did want me to call.

So, I called.

She had a beautiful voice. But that did not tempt me. I stayed convicted to the belief that I wanted nothing. People say that love finds you when you aren’t looking. I enjoyed that night’s conversation, but all I really cared about was getting off the phone in time to see the Tonight Show or Conan O’Brian.

She wanted me to call again. I believe I called the next night, and the next, and so on, until I stopped caring as much about seeing The Tonight Show. She was so intelligent, so wise for her age. This attracted me. She spoke of things that interest me, and she spoke with interest! This caught my attention. I finally began to grow some feelings, to the point of love.

She was the first person I was ever afraid to say “I love you” too, because she was important enough to me that I meant it, and I didn’t want to lose her for saying it.

Some believe in fate. That is a topic for an essay. I haven’t put enough thought into the subject to decide how I feel about fate yet, but I have put much thought into fate itself. Would a girl like Sara be entered into my life for years just so I could meet this girl named Sausha? Would something like that be so perfectly planned, just for one meeting, one purpose, one love?

 

[AaronHeth]

Part II
Sausha lived far away. This was a reason I didn’t want to get involved. I lived in Delaware at the time, and she in Missouri. For two people so young, to live so far away, and have feelings for each other is generally considered emotional suicide. But being the people we were, we went with it. Maybe I should have stopped it at the time, maybe I should’ve gone with my gut, but what would life be without chances? I don’t like regrets. If you regret things, you wouldn’t be the person you are today.

My birthday is the 3rd of July. Her and I would joke about me secretly flying down there and surprising her. This was when her and I would still flirt in a friendly manner, but after a few weeks, when my birthday finally came around, we were both quite sad it was all just flirtation. We had grown very attached.

I would talk to her on the internet during the day, and on the phone at night, for the sake of free minutes. From 9 at night until 4 in the morning, every night. It went this way from the middle of June until the end of July. I never got bored with her, which was a sticking point with me. I can’t really talk to someone that much without losing interest or things to talk about. But with her, hours, every day, and we still had the most interesting conversations.

When this started, in June, she was staying at her sister’s house. Her sister, named Kinyata, had a fiancee named Brian. Brian had a cousin or something Sausha’s age. Brian’s entire family wanted to see this boy and Sausha get together. One of the first nights Sausha and I talked, they all went over to this boy’s house. It was his birthday. Sausha gave him a kiss. Her and I had nothing going at this point, but there were some feelings. She felt badly, and I believe this was about the time we decided to make things “official” between us.

The next few months were perfect. Perfect aside from not being able to see her, smell her, hold her, look her in the eyes, and really hear those words I loved to hear from her. “I love you.” I don’t like to admit this, but eve now, oh what I’d give to hear her say that to me again.

It was late July. Sausha was going with Kinyata and Brian, a friend, Brittney, to Florida. I was going to California for some technology forum. This single event showed my immaturity, and stupidity. One thing that frightened me about this, is Sausha and Brittney would go to the beach every night. You know guys, there were always some out, prowling. They would call Sausha and Brittney over, and the two girls went. There were two guys who continuously hit on them, trying to grab them, take their hands, kiss them. To this day I still wonder why Sausha and Brittney spent time with them on the beach that night in the first place. She said they just followed them around, and that they had talked. Brittney had a boyfriend at the time, and Sausha had me. On the night this happened, I was packing for California. Sausha was suppose to call, but forgot. The same night those two boys were out. I trusted Sausha with all of my heart. She told me she wasn’t trying to flirt with either of them, she didn’t want to be with either one of them, they were just boys. Boys will follow girls around. I believe here, but then, I did something stupid. And it makes me think, if I am that dumb, could she have been? No. She wouldn’t have still lied about it. Not that this paragraph matters anymore.

In California, I met a girl. I don’t know if it was the distance between Sausha that bothered me, and made me lonely, or maybe it was those two boys and her forgetting to call. Everyone forgets, I guess, especially when preoccupied. Its understandable. But with the many friends I met in California, I met a girl. Her name was Valarie. She was wanted by everyone, except for me, and she wanted me. And, I did something stupid. I ended up kissing her. I thought, hey, maybe this will work out better, I just at least want to try this. It took me a week or so before I could tell Sausha.

It was August 2004. She was heart broken. I was nothing but a jerk to her. Valarie lived in Washington. She was even further away than Sausha was. I missed Sausha every day. So, I hurt Valarie the same way I hurt Sausha. I came home, and found a girl here. Through the month of August and September, I dated the girl here. Forgetting about Valarie, but comparing everything to Sausha. I loved Sausha, no doubt, I know this now. All I thought about was her.

I fought with her, though. I was easily upset with her, because of my own guilt. I know I just hurt her more. I put her through so much. I was dating the girl here, at home, but still talked to Sausha. It was late October. I broke up with the girl here for Sausha again, finally. Yet, still, I worried. Sausha and I weren’t the same. I felt trapped in relationships. I just wanted to be alone, so after a few weeks, I told Sausha we should only be friends. Stupid childish things called love.

I ripped her heart out. I threw it to the ground. I showed it every happy moment of me and any other girl imaginable. I laughed at it. I then took it in my arms and embraced it, only to stomp on it again.

I was miserable. I knew I was making mistake after mistake. That same boy, Brian’s cousin, from much earlier in the story got involved again. Sausha spent a few days with him. This was my biggest fear. This was the cause of some of my fights. It was Thanksgiving. I spent the night with the girl I was dating here previously, she spent the night with Brian’s cousin. Not the entire night, just the evening of Thanksgiving. They went home. Sausha and I talked. They had kissed. I was heart broken, now. I was worried there was feeling in it on her side. She, confused, assured me there wasn’t. This confusion and assurance and reassurance lasted for a few days. I now believe she really did have no feelings for that boy, and it was generally a mistake on loneliness’ part that led to a kiss. She felt empty, as did I.

It was Thanksgiving night. We wanted each other, we decided to stop the stupidity. It was her and I against the world.

Part III
This was it. There were no more what ifs. The only thing we wanted was to be with each other, because we knew we couldn’t be without each other. Some may believe it started out as puppy live, and it very well could have, but it didn’t end up like that. I loved her, I still do. She was my everything. She knew everything about me, and it is indescribable. I wish I had the time to write pages after pages on how she made me feel, but I don’t. Besides, I probably would never convey just how she made me feel.

The simplest way to explain it is this. She made me feel, period. She made me feel everything. She made me feel.

The next few months are a blur to me. I would come home from school, wait for her to come home, talk to her for a few hours, have to go, then call back at 9. There was an hour time difference, it was always an hour earlier for her. I would stay up every night talking to her, only to be tired in the morning. But I did it as often as I could for her.

I was happy. All anyone wants is peace of mind. I had that.

Christmas rolls around. I still hadn’t told my parents. Back in July, it was Sausha’s and my plan for me to come out at Christmas. Because of that two month delay, that didn’t work out. Christmas and New Years was depressing. I wanted nothing more than to be with her. I promised her by Valentine’s day, I would have told my parents. When Valentine’s finally rolled around, we were both very happy people.

Her parents had bought me a ticket for March 26th. I would be on my way. From the moment I found out, time stopped. Waiting to see her was the longest month of my life. We had come this far, nine months. Everything would be okay. The relationship was real. This was it.

I awaited the day. This more than ever was a time to love life.

 

[AaronHeth]

Part IV
It was a moment to remember. The definition of our relationship. It was to finally come true. This would make it real. It was nerve-wrecking telling my parents about her. I don’t know quite why, but it was. Maybe that meant that I really cared about her. I was prepared for my mother’s constant torturing. She would poke, prod, and tease. But when the moment came, it wasn’t that bad, really.

Sausha’s parents had bought a ticket in mid February. Time stood still in my march to the end of March. I would be there for one week, during my Spring Break. Her spring break was a week before mine, so she would be missing quite a bit of school. Not that she hadn’t already missed quite a bit.

I left my house hours early that day. I wanted to get to the airport on time. I love airports. Nothing makes you feel more free than being in an airport. I don’t know quite why. I waited. I went through security. I waited. I boarded, finally. I was too nervous to even call before we both got on the plane. We were both terribly excited.

One thing I found strange, we had a few hiccups the week before I came. I think we were both so nervous, we just had to take it out somehow. We had never really argued until around this point. Maybe nine months was catching up on us. It was nothing big. It was nothing, period. Everything was perfect. Really, it was perfect. I don’t mean to sound cliche, but that describes it.

The plane ride was death. This was the first time I had went on a trip to actually use my iPod, yet I didn’t use it a bit. I sat there, nervous, shaking. I will never understand the saying “butterflies in your stomach.” Let me tell you, there were rabid wolves in mine. Those poor butterflies didn’t last longer than a minute.

I thought of the good things to come. I thought of seeing her. I only thought of good. My excitement grew. My smile grew. This was it. This is what God had laid out for me. This was the happiest moment of my life. The plane landed and wished us a nice time.

I began to walk.

I didn’t know the airport at all. I expected to come out of a gate close to the security check point, but no. St. Louis’ airport seems to be one straight line. My gate was the furthest away. I called Sausha’s sister in law, asked if they were there while continuing to walk. I only wanted someone to talk to. I was nervous. I walked. I walked for 10 minutes, no less.

I saw her.

To the phone, I could only say “I see her” and then close it.

I saw her smile. In fact, I saw her do nothing but smile.

I walked, I walked faster. She ran. Our arms were wide, our faces were bright, I grabbed her.

I don’t remember now if there were tears. I remember the moment in a haze. I do remember it, but it was too good for words. I did what I promised. I held her tight, I whispered “I love you” to her. And then, I kissed her.

We walked.

I saw her sister. I thanked her for everything. This was all because of her. It was her who told me Sausha had a crush on me. It was her who told me to call. It was her who pushed me away, only for Sausha and I to come running back together. I thanked her for that, for picking me up, for letting me stay with her so that Sausha and I could have privacy. I thanked her for taking my bag, so Sausha could stay latched on to me. We were latched to each other.

I will never forget that smile. I will never forget that voice. When a girl is in love, they have a different voice. When she called me baby, it killed me. When she said I love you, it killed me. She killed me. And now, in more ways than one.

The week did not go by fast, it did not go by slow. But it did go by. The week itself could have a multi-part entry written about it. It was a describable week, I suppose, but not describable by words. There were many events to talk of, but those may be written about in another article.

The entire week was like the first moment Sausha and I saw each other. It was her and I against the world, like love should be.

And then, the time was up. I think this one moment may have been one of the causes of the splintering of our relationship.

I left. I had to.

 

[AaronHeth]

Part V
As I began to see my future, I realized how dim it actually was. The ending of something wonderful can only bring about the beginning of something terrible. Just as the acceptance of dismay must bring about happiness, once again.

I don’t know if the emotion, and the insanity of the passion was shown in the last installment of this. Probably not, and there is reason for that. Emotion comes from experience. To me, what happened in part IV was life changing, which is all too cliche. It was incredible. Words like incredible are used all too often, so you must think of it as a rarely used word. What happened in part IV could be described as nothing other than life altering. And that continues.

How many things happen in life without reason? Some may disagree, but I say few–if any. As so prophetically said in The Weatherman “To get anything of value, you have to sacrifice.” Yes, we want good. And yes, good is good, and good will teach us, but heartbreak teaches us more, heartache teaches us survival. We learn to live. We learn to appreciate.

Maybe Sausha was never my soul mate. Maybe she is and one day, things will miraculously work out. I count that as doubtful, and in no way do I look for that to happen. I could say the same thing about any other girl I’ve ever known. Its all just “what ifs?” And that is okay. Maybe we are soul mates, maybe we never were. At least I have the hurt from it, for in some strange way, it brings me comfort. It brings me serenity.

I went back in June. We stayed with her sister again, for about a week, and in that week, things were good. They were more real though. The fairy tale life we had for that week in March was vanishing, which was expected, understandable, and even exciting. She was working while I was there, with no car, so to begin with, this was a hectic problem. And then, her sister went on a trip, along with other things occurring, making it so that we had to go to Sausha’s parents house to stay.

It was a day or two before our anniversary. It was also her best friend’s birthday. Now, let me talk of her best friend. The girl was a partier. The girl had known Sausha since they were children. The girl was Sausha’s closest anything, really. They had grown apart though, because Sausha had changed. They moved different ways–for a time. While younger, they stuck together. The girl didn’t have such a great life, and I feel sorry for her in some ways. In no way am I judging her by this, I just wish things could’ve been better for her, so she didn’t have to drown her sorrow. Sausha relied on her while younger. But the girl got Sausha into some bad things. You know, those types of friends. The situation of the girl–and thus, Sausha–was a problem of nurture and nature. Location, environment, and the people in that environment. The girl continued on this path–Sausha wanted something more before she met, and while with me.

While they were still friends, they had grown apart. I did not like the girl much, I did not like her actions. I disagreed with them and her personality in general. In retrospect, it is very easy to say that I did judge, and in some respects I did, but I did give her some chances. Its just everything I heard of her, along with everything exhibited from her, made me cringe inside. Cringe in sadness, cringe in fear. This is a topic for a completely different subject, though. There were things about this girl beyond her lifestyle choices–for I do have friends (and for that matter, family) who have and are on the same road she was. It was a matter of person, more so. One would have to be in the situation to fully understand, but if you’ll recall, I’m sure you can think of someone who, to you, is like this girl was to me.

I did not want to go to her house for her birthday, but Sausha did. And I agreed. We had a meeting in March, and I ended up calling the girl a slut. It was the truth though. Alright, I didn’t call her a slut. I think I used the term “free prostitute.” It was the truth, it just wasn’t a nice thing to say. Others agreed on both. It was not a nice thing to say, but I felt it. On a side note I have noticed I am in a constant struggle to find happiness and joy in everything and everyone along with not putting people down, and speaking my mind and telling the truth on everything. The two do not blend well, so my question is, which makes one a better person? Obviously, the question to this is un-answerable, since it is relative. But I will continue to search for what works for me. I suppose a mix of both.

So, her birthday, we went to her house, talked for a while. I couldn’t stand it. Other friends were there, friends I did not like, I did not like their actions and I didn’t even want to think of Sausha participating in them, and at the time, Sausha had no desire to, and disagreed with them the same way I did. We left and returned to her house. I had this overwhelming feeling of fear. I don’t know why, it just was something I didn’t want to get involved in. The people, I had a “vibe.” It just wasn’t me. I didn’t want to be around it. The strangest feeling is being completely alone, with someone you love, while having no one else you love around, and being confronted by something that you absolutely hate. I don’t know why this so called, indescribably feeling overwhelmed and frightened me so, but I believe it to be a psychological issue with me. I have the strangest fears. And they aren’t fears of anything, they are not describable. But when a situation presents itself with all of the right criteria, I have odd feelings. It is a matter of emotion for me. Feelings, that is. I take them very seriously and really try to “experience” them. I’ve noticed recently that I describe things in weird ways, always saying “it feels like–.” For example, I had a candle lit in my room a few days ago, and I thought “It smells and feels like Christmas.” I think I have very strongly connected emotional neuro-pathways.

After we left, we fought. Because of me, and my odd fears, and my not liking this friend of hers. And I think this fighting, and this me-not-liking-her really drove Sausha to become closer with her again. Not that Sausha would do that consciously to me, but maybe unconsciously. This was the basis for many of the future arguments. They all stemmed from her shutting down, and me not understanding why. We all have problems, God knows I do. And of course, she has some of her own, that I won’t go into here, because they are personal, but I believe them to–in some way–have something to do with what happened. She had told me stories of how she use to act, and I saw it coming on to her again. And I was pushed away, and she didn’t even know it. And as I was pushed, I pulled, I ripped frantically, holding, clutching on to anything shred of love I could. I battled, I waged war, I cried, I laughed, and I feared everything. But I had courage. I used every ounce of strength to hold on, I tried everything–giving her more attention, giving her less, everything. But when someone inside–isn’t them anymore. When they are gone, asleep, or what have you, how can they notice anything?

And I saw it coming. The entire time I was there. I just pretended I didn’t. I’ve done that before, I see that I can do that with many things. I can just–see, how things will work out, but I try to ignore it. There was a point, the week before I left, that I told her I was going to break up with her. I had threatened it before, but I usually gave in. I did that for her, I always gave in. I never wanted to fight. All I wanted was for her to act like she loved me again, and not leave me feeling so alone and lost. It seemed that every night, we fought before we went to sleep. Her “ignoring” me made me only want to get her attention more, which made her more angry, which made us fight, which made me afraid and want to find some love more, which made her more annoyed, and the cycle continued. All I wanted was to know that I wasn’t alone. That the girl who cried over me, the girl who did so many things to get me back, the girl who did so many things for me period, still had an ounce of caring in herself for me. How could it disappear?

So many nights she went to sleep seemingly peacefully, while I was awake, while I walked, while I sat, looking into the dark, wondering. Wondering of her and I, but more so, wondering of greater things. Of my own life, of my own feelings, of fate. I sat there countless nights, awake with insomnia, never knowing why. I just thought, in a blank state, though. I know I was thinking, but the contents of those thoughts escape me now. It was oddly peaceful, and I think it was only to keep my sanity while there. While I was with the girl I loved, I was essentially alone. And so, I comforted myself, in ways of meditation, I suppose. To this day, I don’t even think Sausha knows how many nights I sat there awake, staring off endlessly–hurt. Knowing my fate, but continuing.

As I said, we were at her sister’s the first week. We stayed at her parents for the next month and a half. I think this may have caused problems too. Sausha shut down at her house. Her home life at the time wasn’t too spectacular, and was in many ways depressing, so returning home for her was nothing great. It made things worse, I know it. Things just disintegrated.

I look back and see things that were my fault, and I see things that were her fault, and I see things that could’ve been done better. But I also see, that these things never would’ve made a different if her and I were like we were before. There was an obvious change that lead to this. Yes, people change, but I noticed her changing back. And the reasons why for this, I have said above. I don’t really know why, it is just my thinking, my conclusions from the past three months of thought.

 

[AaronHeth]

Part V continued

The question you must be wondering still, is why do I continue to write of her. And the answer I must continue to say is that, it isn’t of her, it isn’t for her, it isn’t in memory of her. (Well, occasionally, these things are true, and I do write because I miss her, but I think that is expected. I considered this a serious relationship, and she did too at one time.) I write for me. All I could hope for is that someone, some day, just tells me “Wow.” to my writing. I think I put more faith in this than anything, and while I don’t want to have a degree in journalism, I think it is what I will inevitably do with my life. To some degree, I also do it to connect with someone. If they have gone through the same thing, or if they can get any little bit of emotion out of what I’ve written, I’m happy. If someone came to me and said “That was beautiful.” I would be happier than you could believe. And, I write for me. This really is like a journal of mine, notes for later writing, I suppose. It helps me to express the feelings on these subjects in structured, well thought-out ways. God knows my mind can’t do that. So, its a little bit of everything.

I do think of her still, though. Sometimes I have happy thoughts, sometimes I think about loving her, sometimes I recall the summer or other memories, sometimes I think about bad scenarios, pain, and sometimes I just think of her.

Being over someone is difficult to classify. I’ve changed my mind on this so many times, and while I may be doing fine without her, I don’t think I am or will be over her completely for quite some time. While this seems like a repeat of what I’ve been saying, I’m just trying to drive it into everyone’s heads. But, I think I use her for a protection mechanism. I’ve been on a few dates, but any of those girls could tell you I use her as a form of protection. As long as I’m not over her, I don’t have to be “out there” ready to break someone’s heart again. Or, get mine broken. But good luck finding a girl who could get me over Sausha right now. When it comes to life, I am fine. But when it comes to relationships, I’ve been sticking away from them, because when the matter deals with relationships, I’m not over her. I was talking to a friend today about getting out there again, and being over her, and I try sometimes, to just get over it and look for a girl, but as soon as anything even remotely serious (or even not serious at all) comes up, I back off immediately. And when I do “pump myself up” to get out there, I am always reminded of her later in the day somehow.

But, I suppose that is just my love, further being defined. And, that is the story. While there is so much more that can be described, I feel most of it to be too cumbersome and un-neccesary. And besides, I don’t even know who reads this, if anyone. I’m comfortable with what I’ve said, but who knows, maybe at some point I will feel the need, or someone will be interested enough to hear more, or for me to look back and think on the events more. And until then, I will keep thinking. Of every memory, every moment of love, passion, and emotion. That is what life is for, and that is why life is worth living.

 

[Mudbug]

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