My College Application - I trust you guys the most

janitorC7

macrumors 6502a
Original poster
Feb 10, 2006
637
16
California
It still needs work with sentence construction but aside from that I would love input.

Thanks

JC7

I'm not going to say my life has been wrought with hardships - it hasn’t. Truth be told, life has been pretty good to me. I'm your average white boy from a middle- class family attending a challenging college preparatory school in El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora de los Angeles de Porciuncula - The city of Angels - or Los Angeles, for short. But everybody has their battles and adversities. For me, it was speaking - not public speaking, necessarily, but, like, putting words together to, like, you know....... talk.

Starting in 2nd grade some of my greatest thoughts remained unexpressed though an inability to communicate. It was not that I didn't know the words that i wanted to say, but that when I tried to speak, I would get hung up on the first sound of the first word I wanted to say, rendering me speechless for 20 seconds or more as I stuttered.

I spent the greater part of three years seeing speech therapists who tried to help me, to no avail.

By 6th grade I had all but given up. I became a rather silenced kid. A lot was going on inside my head, but no one else seemed to know this. I wanted to voice my opinions on books, friends and politics but, sadly, my tongue did not share a similar aspiration.

Once I started middle school an opportunity presented itself: Speech and Debate. Campbell Hall did not have a debate team. However, my best friends and I always enjoyed bickering back and forth about the latest news and political Issues. One day after a stimulating history class my teacher told me how expressive my ideas were. When I told her I enjoyed arguing my opinions, she jokingly said I should be a debater. As nonchalant as this statement may have been, I don’t think she could have realized the can of worms she had just opened, and how much of her free time she’d just volunteered away.

"Ms. Hong, can we start a debate team?”

Needless to say, we started a team, and were a founding member of one of the first middle school debate leagues in the United States: the MSPDP.

Public speaking presented a new understanding of communication for me. Somehow, I felt more comfortable talking in front of a crowd of people who were there for the sole purpose of listening to me than I did in one-on-one conversation. My first speech –on violent video games- was the beginning of a long journey during which I became an accomplished speaker, a feat that three different speech therapists thought impossible.

I continued to debate in the parliamentary format throughout junior high school and was ranked as high as second in the league. But faced another problem at the commencement of high school: no debate team. So I founded a high school team as well. During these years I’ve competed in two formats: National Extemporaneous and Parliamentary. I’m proud to report that this stuttering elementary school kid is now State-ranked in Extemporaneous, Second- Place Speaker at the prestigious Pepperdine Invitational, Semi-Finalist at the Stanford tournament, Member with Special Distinction of the National Forensic League, Audition Finalist for Team USA, Campbell Hall Speaker of the Year, and the executive officer of our debate team, which continues to grow

My love of debate has inspired me to train others to follow in my footsteps. Since leaving middle school, I have coached the Junior High Team. I now also train novices from Campbell Hall competing for the first time in High School, in the hopes that they can find the same joy in speaking that I have. Thanks to debating, the old adage, "your greatest adversity can become your greatest asset" has made itself crystal clear.
 

kellen

macrumors 68020
Aug 11, 2006
2,364
56
Seattle, WA
Heres some more.

First paragraph: Ditch the el pueblo de..... has nothing to do with it. I see you are trying to go for a light mood, but I don't like how you start it out. Life being pretty good and you being a "white boy". I would get rid of the average white boy and put in something less specific. White boy sounds too personal and could easily be taken the wrong way. The second sentence is a run on, way too long. I get you are trying to imitate you speaking troubles when you say this "but like, putting words together to like, you know, talk" or at least I hope you are. However it sounds odd and again could be mistaken for poor writing skills My opinion.

2nd paragraph: Cut it up. Needs more periods, less commas.

What is campbell hall? Your high school? Needs more to it or I don't know what it is.

History class doesn't need to be capitalized.

Thats all I got so far. How close are you to the limit of characters? If you need to cut some stuff out, it seems you can bring the first 3 or so paragraphs together, they seem to have some thought overlap.

Its good you are using a problem you got over in your essay and relating examples to that to show your strengths. Just flesh it out more and make it more clear.
 
Comment

janitorC7

macrumors 6502a
Original poster
Feb 10, 2006
637
16
California
college, not collage. Unless you did attend a challenging collage preparatory school.
I can't possibly begin to explain how many time I have done that, its a habit to shake.

Heres some more.

First paragraph: Ditch the el pueblo de..... has nothing to do with it. I see you are trying to go for a light mood, but I don't like how you start it out. Life being pretty good and you being a "white boy". I would get rid of the average white boy and put in something less specific. White boy sounds too personal and could easily be taken the wrong way. The second sentence is a run on, way too long. I get you are trying to imitate you speaking troubles when you say this "but like, putting words together to like, you know, talk" or at least I hope you are. However it sounds odd and again could be mistaken for poor writing skills My opinion.

2nd paragraph: Cut it up. Needs more periods, less commas.

What is campbell hall? Your high school? Needs more to it or I don't know what it is.

History class doesn't need to be capitalized.

Thats all I got so far. How close are you to the limit of characters? If you need to cut some stuff out, it seems you can bring the first 3 or so paragraphs together, they seem to have some thought overlap.

Its good you are using a problem you got over in your essay and relating examples to that to show your strengths. Just flesh it out more and make it more clear.
I see your point on the beginning, I was playing with that to begin with, but for some reason I really like it. I may cut it. Yes, I'm working on the second paragraph. I'm good with the limit, but I have a few more things to add. Thanks! :)

Glad to see a fellow debater, although a slightly different format.
Debate has got to be one of the greatest decisions of my life. What format did you do?

JC7
 
Comment

acearchie

macrumors 68040
Jan 15, 2006
3,264
103
It may be different from the UK personal statement but in mine I have explained the subjects I take and how they relate to the course I want to do.

I have also stated extra-curricular activities that I do (separating you from ever other joe bloggs) and how they relate to the course (if they do)

However I am unfamiliar with the college application so I don't know if it's the same.

I enjoyed reading it though and congratulate you on overcoming your speech impediment!
 
Comment

janitorC7

macrumors 6502a
Original poster
Feb 10, 2006
637
16
California
It may be different from the UK personal statement but in mine I have explained the subjects I take and how they relate to the course I want to do.

I have also stated extra-curricular activities that I do (separating you from ever other joe bloggs) and how they relate to the course (if they do)

However I am unfamiliar with the college application so I don't know if it's the same.

I enjoyed reading it though and congratulate you on overcoming your speech impediment!
The system is a little different. We have a few different essays. This one has to answer a question about an adversity that we have overcome.

thanks :)
 
Comment

AngryApple

macrumors 6502
Dec 25, 2008
342
0
That's really good, in my opinion. I think the opening was nice. You may want to experiement with writing an "image" as the opening. I've always been taught that colleges really look at how well one can write them.

What's Cambell Hall? You could add that it was a poor school to add some emotional appeal.
 
Comment

janitorC7

macrumors 6502a
Original poster
Feb 10, 2006
637
16
California
I think you need to improve your English, sorry...

Have a look at some free samples of good personal statements here: http://www.personal-statement.com/free-personal-statement-samples.php

Also they have good useful articles which you may find helpful:
http://www.personal-statement.com/useful-articles.php

Good Luck!
Maria
I agree, hence the first written line, prior to the essay. I wanted input on concept, remember? Grammar never comes out great when you first write something creatively. However, I wanted input on concept before I finished it up. Anyway, heres the latest. Still some sketchy grammar in the second and last paragraphs (for the sake of a more obvious disclaimer this time!).

JC7
Thanks

I'm not going to say my life has been wrought with hardships - it hasn’t. Truth be told, life has been pretty good to me. I'm your average white boy from a middle- class family attending a challenging college preparatory school in El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora de los Angeles de Porciuncula - The city of Angels - or Los Angeles, for short. But everybody has their battles and adversities. For me, it was speaking - not public speaking, necessarily, but, like, putting words together to, like, you know....... talk.

Starting in 2nd grade on some of my greatest thoughts were silenced though an inability to communicate. It was not that I didn't know the words that I wanted to say but that, when I tried to speak, I would get hung-up on the first sound of the first word I wanted to say. I was rendered to a 20 second stutter of 'ca..ca..aaaaa".

I spent the greater part of three years seeing speech therapists who tried to help me, to no avail.

By 6th grade I had all but given up and became a rather silenced kid, with a lot going on inside his head, but nobody seemed to know. I wanted to voice my opinions on books, friends and politics but, sadly, my tongue did not share a similar aspiration.

Once I started middle school an opportunity presented itself: Speech and Debate. Campbell Hall did not have a debate team. However, my best friends and I always enjoyed bickering back and forth about the latest news and political Issues. One day after a rather exciting history class my teacher told me how expressive my ideas were. I told her I enjoyed it, and she that I should be a debater. As nonchalant as this statement may have been, I don’t think she could have realized the can of worms she had just opened, and how much of her free time she’d just volunteered away.

"Ms. Hong, can we start a debate team?”

Needless to say, we did start a team, and were a founding member of one of the first middle school debate leagues in the United State: the MSPDP. Public speaking presented a new beginning in communication for me. Somehow, I felt more comfortable talking in front of a crowd of people who were there for the express purpose of listening to me than I did in one-on-one conversation. My first speech was the beginning of a long journey during which I have become an accomplished speaker –a feat three different speech therapists thought impossible.

I continued to debate in the parliamentary format throughout junior high school and was ranked as high as second in the league, but faced another problem at the commencement of high school: no debate team. So, we founded a team yet again. During high school I’ve competed in two formats: National Extemporaneous and Parliamentary. I’m proud to report that the stuttering elementary school kid is now State-ranked in Extemporaneous, Second- Place Speaker at the prestigious Pepperdine Invitational, Semi-Finalist at the Stanford tournament, Member with Special Distinction of the National Forensic League, Audition Finalist for Team USA, Campbell Hall Speaker of the Year, and the executive officer of our debate team, which continues to grow

My love of debate has inspired me to introduce and train other students to follow in our footsteps. Since leaving middle school, I have helped coach the junior high school team. This year I also train novices from Campbell Hall competing for the first time in High School, in the hope they can find the same feeling of accomplishment that I have. I guess it all goes to show that your greatest adversity can become your greatest asset.
 
Comment

janitorC7

macrumors 6502a
Original poster
Feb 10, 2006
637
16
California
That's really good, in my opinion. I think the opening was nice. You may want to experiement with writing an "image" as the opening. I've always been taught that colleges really look at how well one can write them.

What's Cambell Hall? You could add that it was a poor school to add some emotional appeal.
haha. I could, but most of the schools I'm applying to will be familiar with my school.... and its $28,000 a year price tag. Granted, I'm almost on a full academic scholarship but that could be just a little to much to explain :p

I think you need to improve your English, sorry...

Have a look at some free samples of good personal statements here: http://www.personal-statement.com/free-personal-statement-samples.php

Also they have good useful articles which you may find helpful:
http://www.personal-statement.com/useful-articles.php

Good Luck!
Maria
I'm going to assume that you work for that website. Aside from offering a service for something I am perfectly capable of doing it offered no helpful information.

Grammar generally corrected. You should work on understanding the particular use of different punctuation marks in your writing.
Thank you. Again, I posted it as a work in progress, but I actually like and may use some of your cuts. Thanks!
 
Comment

janitorC7

macrumors 6502a
Original poster
Feb 10, 2006
637
16
California
And one last draft before I leave for a few hours. Actually, I'm off to judge a debate.

I'm not going to say my life has been wrought with hardships - it hasn’t. Truth be told, life has been pretty good to me. I'm your average white boy from a middle- class family attending a challenging college preparatory school in El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora de los Angeles de Porciuncula - The city of Angels - or Los Angeles, for short. But everybody has their battles and adversities. For me, it was speaking - not public speaking, necessarily, but, like, putting words together to, like, you know....... talk.

Starting in 2nd grade some of my greatest thoughts remained unexpressed though an inability to communicate. It was not that I didn't know the words that i wanted to say, but that when I tried to speak, I would get hung up on the first sound of the first word I wanted to say, rendering me speechless for 20 seconds or more as I stuttered.

I spent the greater part of three years seeing speech therapists who tried to help me, to no avail.

By 6th grade I had all but given up. I became a rather silenced kid. A lot was going on inside my head, but no one else seemed to know this. I wanted to voice my opinions on books, friends and politics but, sadly, my tongue did not share a similar aspiration.

Once I started middle school an opportunity presented itself: Speech and Debate. Campbell Hall did not have a debate team. However, my best friends and I always enjoyed bickering back and forth about the latest news and political Issues. One day after a stimulating history class my teacher told me how expressive my ideas were. When I told her I enjoyed arguing my opinions, she jokingly said I should be a debater. As nonchalant as this statement may have been, I don’t think she could have realized the can of worms she had just opened, and how much of her free time she’d just volunteered away.

"Ms. Hong, can we start a debate team?”

Needless to say, we started a team, and were a founding member of one of the first middle school debate leagues in the United States: the MSPDP.

Public speaking presented a new understanding of communication for me. Somehow, I felt more comfortable talking in front of a crowd of people who were there for the sole purpose of listening to me than I did in one-on-one conversation. My first speech –on violent video games- was the beginning of a long journey during which I became an accomplished speaker, a feat that three different speech therapists thought impossible.

I continued to debate in the parliamentary format throughout junior high school and was ranked as high as second in the league. But faced another problem at the commencement of high school: no debate team. So I founded a high school team as well. During these years I’ve competed in two formats: National Extemporaneous and Parliamentary. I’m proud to report that this stuttering elementary school kid is now State-ranked in Extemporaneous, Second- Place Speaker at the prestigious Pepperdine Invitational, Semi-Finalist at the Stanford tournament, Member with Special Distinction of the National Forensic League, Audition Finalist for Team USA, Campbell Hall Speaker of the Year, and the executive officer of our debate team, which continues to grow

My love of debate has inspired me to train others to follow in my footsteps. Since leaving middle school, I have coached the Junior High Team. I now also train novices from Campbell Hall competing for the first time in High School, in the hopes that they can find the same joy in speaking that I have. Thanks to debating, the old adage, "your greatest adversity can become your greatest asset" has made itself crystal clear.
 
Comment

thatdarnfish

macrumors regular
Sep 23, 2004
121
0
New York
No prob. Happy to help. This draft looks much better. You are missing an "I" in the second to last paragraph. Congrats on getting over the stuttering.
 
Comment

janitorC7

macrumors 6502a
Original poster
Feb 10, 2006
637
16
California
No prob. Happy to help. This draft looks much better. You are missing an "I" in the second to last paragraph. Congrats on getting over the stuttering.
Thanks!

You have really been quite helpful. I feel weird asking this but, do you think you can remove your earlier post (with your edits). I have them saved on my computer, but rumor has it that colleges like goggling these things (I'll be removing mine as well). Thanks in advance

JC7
 
Comment

davidjearly

macrumors 68020
Sep 21, 2006
2,206
241
Glasgow, Scotland
I can't say what things are like when applying to American colleges, but here in the UK that just would not cut it for a University application.

The language needs to be more formal in my opinion. You aren't communicating with your peers, but to academics. As such, I would try to be more professional in my wording.

That said, I like the whole topic of the essay.
 
Comment

maria12

macrumors newbie
Oct 31, 2009
2
0
I would still suggest you to get it professionally proofread - it would make a difference
 
Comment

thatdarnfish

macrumors regular
Sep 23, 2004
121
0
New York
Thanks!

You have really been quite helpful. I feel weird asking this but, do you think you can remove your earlier post (with your edits). I have them saved on my computer, but rumor has it that colleges like goggling these things (I'll be removing mine as well). Thanks in advance

JC7
Done.
 
Comment

AngryApple

macrumors 6502
Dec 25, 2008
342
0
Thanks!

You have really been quite helpful. I feel weird asking this but, do you think you can remove your earlier post (with your edits). I have them saved on my computer, but rumor has it that colleges like goggling these things (I'll be removing mine as well). Thanks in advance

JC7
:eek: oh...no.... I hope they don't.
 
Comment

leomac08

macrumors 68020
Jul 12, 2009
2,092
0
Los Angeles, CA
You live in north hollywood?????? most likely you will apply to UCLA or USC?


well i got denied from UCLA but i got wait listed for USC....


good college resume thing you got going.......


if I was you......I would beef up your academic and secondary school activities.......and outside school activites


did you participate in church groups, local groups, youth groups, little league, music groups? leader of a group......such as tresuarer, vice-president?

the smallest things are also good.....

colleges look a lot about what you are doing right now!!!!!???:eek:

they really don't care about what you did in the 6th grade... as much as i love the story of how u created a debate team in middle school.....

did you do it in high school?

as much as I like the story.....i did a similar thing in my college applications.....and i guess some colleges didn't find it interesting......

I even got my college application read by an official USC admissions staff and they loved it somehow out of surprised...

so try to shoot for things you are doing now!

I WISH U ALL THE BEST:)
 
Comment

janitorC7

macrumors 6502a
Original poster
Feb 10, 2006
637
16
California
You live in north hollywood?????? most likely you will apply to UCLA or USC?


well i got denied from UCLA but i got wait listed for USC....


good college resume thing you got going.......


if I was you......I would beef up your academic and secondary school activities.......and outside school activites


did you participate in church groups, local groups, youth groups, little league, music groups? leader of a group......such as tresuarer, vice-president?

the smallest things are also good.....

colleges look a lot about what you are doing right now!!!!!???:eek:

they really don't care about what you did in the 6th grade... as much as i love the story of how u created a debate team in middle school.....

did you do it in high school?

as much as I like the story.....i did a similar thing in my college applications.....and i guess some colleges didn't find it interesting......

I even got my college application read by an official USC admissions staff and they loved it somehow out of surprised...

so try to shoot for things you are doing now!

I WISH U ALL THE BEST:)
UCLA is on there, but this one is not in my UC app. Pepperdine and Chapmen is are the schools that this is really geared at (Fordham as well).

This is just part. It includes a resume that lists plenty: Team Manager for the National Kidney Foundation. 5000 hours worth of Community Service. Team USA Alternate. A few committees. College Classes. A few jobs.
It's not something that I'm all that worried about.

I can't say what things are like when applying to American colleges, but here in the UK that just would not cut it for a University application.

The language needs to be more formal in my opinion. You aren't communicating with your peers, but to academics. As such, I would try to be more professional in my wording.

Yes, the essay included my work in High School (at the end). State Ranking, Team Captain, Started another team in high school. all the good stuff.

That said, I like the whole topic of the essay.
It's an art far more than a science. My application to euro schools is very different. American Schools seem to like a more informal essay. Well, that's not completely correct, it depends on the school. This is going to 4 of my schools which like a more personal and less formal approach. I have a different one which was finished months ago for others (I was originally going to use that essay for all, but at the advice of my Councilor wrote a less formal one).

Don't you have teachers at school that can help you proofread?
Yes, again, thats not the point...
 
Comment

iPenguin

macrumors newbie
Jan 13, 2008
24
0
I would defiantly rewrite the first paragraph. Possibly tweak the second. The first paragraph is written as if you're trying to speak and impress them with the name of the City of Los Angeles. I would try starting out with a made up scene of you trying to communicate in second grade and then transition into the rest of your essay.

For example:

My mind raced with thought on {topic here} who would win the World Series. All around the shouts of "Yankees!" filled the air, but I knew that the Dodgers would win. I raised my hand and tried to speak. All that came was a stutter of "ca..ca..aaaaa." This was a normal day in second grade. Whenever I tried to speak all I could get out for the world to hear was a dull sound of stuttering - leaving my thoughts trapped inside of me.

Throughout elementary school I went through three years of speech therapy, to no avail. I became the quiet one, left out of the simplest conversations. It wasn't until Mrs. Hong's seventh grade history class that my true talents shined. We were debating {whatever} what we should have done in response to the terrorist attacks of September 11th. My voice rang with my thoughts - I was deep in my element. After class........

--

That's just my thoughts. It's not great, but may give you an idea of another approach that you could take with the essay. Personally, I wouldn't overshadow my disability that I overcame with the fact that it isn't the biggest one in the world. The person reading your essay knows that kids with cancer or who had had a parent die have had it harder. They knew that going into your essay. What they want to know is what challenged you and how you overcame it. They want to see that you recognized that you had a problem and took steps to overcome the problem along the way. That is what makes you the person that you are today and has built your character into the way it is. You have been challenged and overcame the obstacles even when there wasn't an easy solution. After all, I am sure that you know that beginning a club in high school wasn't necessarily easy. But you did it and that's what they want to know.
 
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