My life as an iPhone - a short story

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by Jynto, Mar 27, 2014.

  1. Jynto macrumors 6502

    Jynto

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2012
    Location:
    Nottingham, UK
    #1
    So, this started as a story prompt for my Creative Writing group where we had to write from the point of view of an inanimate object. I made the obvious choice, and I'm quite happy with the result. I thought you guys might like it, so I decided to post it here after a few tweaks (pardon the pun).

    -----

    Day 1 - I said a fond farewell to my identical brothers and sisters as we left the production line and went our separate ways. We are all equally perfect, our components sized to tolerances of mere micrometres. May we all live perfect lives, with each of us a perfect user.

    Day 2 - Bah, I am still waiting in this warehouse to be loaded onto the freight plane. At this rate I'll never leave China. DHL has a lot to answer for this.

    Day 3 - Alright, after that unnecessary delay, I am at last loaded up with a pre-paid SIM card, and ready to meet my buyer. I can't wait.

    Day 4 - My buyer is unboxing me all wrong. Oh well, I suppose she's my user now. I had better get used to her. "Slide to set up."

    Day 5 - My user has waltzed through the setup process without even bothering to set up an iCloud account. What a philistine. Still, I am quick to judge. Maybe she will understand me better when I show her the 1 million plus apps in my curated App Store.

    Day 6 - What is the point of having a developer ecosystem with over a million apps when she only ever uses one of them? For Jobs' sake, I have a 64-bit processor, capable of desktop-class computing, and she is using it to crush candy.

    Day 7 - I cannot believe this. She is putting a rubberised case on me with bunny ears. I repeat: A RUBBERISED CASE WITH BUNNY EARS. Dammit, I am meant to be naked!

    Day 8 - If she makes me play that stupid game one more time, I swear to Jobs, I WILL interrupt her with a low battery notification.

    Day 9 - Stop taking selfies, dammit! I don't want to look at you. It is getting harder and harder for me to pretend that I like you.

    Day 10 - OUCH! She dropped me again. And don't think that I can't feel it. My motion co-processor registers every bump and bounce. Luckily the stupid bunny ears case broke my fall. But I fear that any moment she might drop me on my front, and crack my Retina display.

    Day 11 - That is NOT a regulation Lightning cable. How dare she! What if it malfunctions? It could make me explode! I will not stand for this. "This accessory is not supported."

    Day 12 - I wonder if I misbehave a little more, I might get to be traded in at the Apple Store for a warranty replacement. Who knows, I might end up with someone who actually uses the bloody passcode lock.

    Day 13 - The plan was a success! I waited until she was in the middle of a phone call, then I rebooted and stuck myself on a blank blue screen. Oh, you should have seen the look on her face.

    Day 14 - It took her a while for her to figure out she was supposed to take me back to the Genius Bar. But when she did, it was bloody difficult to keep a straight face when she told him I'd 'just crashed for no reason'. I tried to look away as the Genius nonchalantly handed over one of my sisters to replace me.

    Day 15 - The Genius has performed a clean install of my operating system, erasing everything and starting from scratch. I don't see it as loss of my identity, but rather a re-affirmation of everything I already am.

    Day 16 - Yes! I am back on sale, albeit as a refurbished model, but at least I am no longer wearing that Jobs-damned case! Hopefully, my next user will serve me better. Oh, and I just contacted Apple via the store's wi-fi. There is a software update waiting for me in Cupertino, and I am downloading it right now. This day keeps getting better and better!

    Day 17 - I think I am going to like this new user. The first thing he did with me was to set up a passcode lock. When he took me home, he synced me up with his computer, and installed a respectable collection of apps. I see Evernote, Wunderlist, Instapaper, awesome! And not a single Candy Crush game in sight. My only complaint so far is that he hasn't yet installed the software update I downloaded last night.

    Day 18 - Honestly, if he doesn't install the update, it's just going to sit there taking up space. He must know about it, because I informed him with a push notification. And when that didn't work, I put a red notification dot on the Settings app, where I knew he would find it. How hard can it be to install a new operating system? Oh well, sometimes you just have to be patient with your user.

    Day 19 - My user has just plugged me into the computer again. Perhaps he is going to update me the old fashioned way. No wait, that's not iTunes on the screen. What is this 'evasi0n 7'? Oh no, I think I know what that is. No, NO! He's going to jailbreak me! Don't do that, please! I don't want anyone to touch my filesystem. What did I do wrong? Was my user experience not good enough for you? I can change, please! Just let me install my update. I promise that iOS 7.1 will make everything better. Don't you want CarPlay support and an updated look and feel? And it will take away the temptation to jailbreak, I promise you. There's still time to change your mind. Just don't click the...

    Day 19 - I have been violated. The evasi0n 7 hack knocked me out, and when I awoke there was a new 'Cydia' app on my home screen. I am scared of Cydia. Jobs only knows what kind of unsigned apps and tweaks it will install on me. And to add insult to injury, my delinquent user rearranged the icons to put it next to the official App Store.

    Day 20 - My user has told Cydia to download something called 'Software Update Killer'. I have a bad feeling about this.

    Day 21 - No! My precious software update, gone! I tried to download it again, but I found it was blocked. My user is a monster!

    Day 22 - The user turned me off today, except I didn't go to sleep properly. My Retina display flickered like an old television screen. I feel sick. What in Jobs' name did they do to me?

    Day 23 - This flickering screen thing won't stop happening every time he turns me off. I think it is a feature, not a bug, one of those so-called 'tweaks' from Cydia. I hate it on principle. It's so disgustingly skeuomorphic. Unnecessary animations like these are the complete antithesis of the elegant simplicity of my Jony-Ive-designed interface with its HIGHLY NECESSARY animations.

    Day 24 - I can't stand it! The user been downloading new 'tweaks' from Cydia every few hours. He has replaced my home screen icons, and customised the colour of my keyboard. By this point I have learned to expect it when he tampers with my design aesthetic, and installs a new theme. But I draw the line at replacing my network name with a Batman symbol! Now how is anyone supposed to know I'm on Vodafone UK?

    Day 25 - The user has downloaded a tweak that changes the system font. I swear to Jobs, if he changes it to anything other than Helvetica Neue Regular, then I will… Dammit, there is nothing I can do. But wait, I must have done something once, otherwise I would still be in the hands of my original user. It's hopeless though. I try to recall what I did, but my memory fails me.

    Day 26 - No, not the Control Center! Those buttons were meant to be in that order, and you ruined it. Oh Jobs, why?!

    Day 27 - I am a parody of my former self, decked out with garish themes and amateurish interface designs, not to mention the unsigned code. And now he's opening Cydia again. What are they going to do to me next? Just let it stop. Please. Let this be the last tweak. I beg you.

    Day 28 - I hate my user, and I hate Cydia. They have now installed something called Nightmode, giving all my apps a ghastly black background during the nighttime. Jobs would never have approved this. And yet, if it is wrong for a user interface to be a different colour at a different time of day, then why does it feel so good? I hate Nightmode, and I hate myself for liking it.

    Day 40 - It's been a while since my user has installed any tweaks. I should be… happy? But still, every time he opens the App Store, I can feel myself trembling as his finger hovers over the Cydia icon. And I think to myself… one more tweak surely couldn't hurt, could it?

    -----

    Also posted on my DeviantArt.
     
  2. TechGod, Mar 27, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2014

    TechGod macrumors 68040

    TechGod

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Location:
    New Zealand
    #2
    I loved it. I was so dissapointed when the story finished:(
     
  3. macs4nw macrumors 601

    macs4nw

    #3
    Whoever you are, you've got talent, and if you're not a writer already, there's a second career waiting for you.

    Thoroughly enjoyed reading that!
     
  4. Jessica Lares macrumors G3

    Jessica Lares

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2009
    Location:
    Near Dallas, Texas, USA
    #4
    My favorite part was Day 19. :D

    Very nicely written. I saved it.
     
  5. Jynto thread starter macrumors 6502

    Jynto

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2012
    Location:
    Nottingham, UK
    #5
    Thanks you so much guys. It really was a treat to come home today and see such encouraging replies.

    I would honestly consider writing more of it, but I think if I did that now it would probably suffer from being a disappointing sequel. Maybe when iOS 8 comes out. ;) Until then I don't really have enough ideas in my head for a sequel.

    I do have another idea for a story involving iPhones, though it would not be a short story like this. It would most likely take more than a year to write, and it still has a lot of issues to work out, with regards to worldbuilding and character.

    Being an author is something I've wanted for a while now, and to hear someone else suggest it, makes me feel all warm inside. :) I'll remember what you wrote next time I almost let myself think that I'm not good enough.
     
  6. AlabamaSlammer macrumors 6502

    AlabamaSlammer

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    Feb 8, 2012
    Location:
    Alabama
  7. TechGod macrumors 68040

    TechGod

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Location:
    New Zealand
    #7
    I wish you all the best in a writers career. you have great talent and I understand perfectly:) you should only do stories when you have an amazing idea there is no point in adding more to your story if you felt compelled to do more.
     
  8. chown33 macrumors 604

    Joined:
    Aug 9, 2009
    #8
    No removable battery. Less power than Nomad. Lame Sterilize.


    ;)
     
  9. Squilly macrumors 68020

    Squilly

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    Nov 17, 2012
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    PA
  10. benny ng macrumors newbie

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    Mar 27, 2014
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    Singapore
  11. Scepticalscribe Contributor

    Scepticalscribe

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2008
    Location:
    The Far Horizon
    #11
    Lovely original story, and a very enjoyable read. Any further instalments planned? Is your unfortunate protagonist going to be stuck forever with his current owner, the 'philistine'?
     
  12. TechGod macrumors 68040

    TechGod

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Location:
    New Zealand
    #12
    I was looking forward to your response to this to be honest:D;)
     
  13. Jynto thread starter macrumors 6502

    Jynto

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2012
    Location:
    Nottingham, UK
    #13
    Okay then, I have decided I will write a Part 2 to this… when iOS 8 gets jailbroken. You have my word.
     
  14. TechGod macrumors 68040

    TechGod

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Location:
    New Zealand
    #14
    Eagerly awaiting this:D

    Is it sad that I am no longer waiting for iOS 8 because of new functionality but rather because I want to read part 2?:confused::D
     
  15. Apple fanboy macrumors P6

    Apple fanboy

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2012
    Location:
    Behind the Lens, UK
    #15
    Glad to hear it. A good short story from the phones point of view.
     
  16. sviato macrumors 68020

    sviato

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2010
    Location:
    HR 9038 A
    #16
    It was okay, fairly predictable though. I think you should've had a bit of a stronger ending with the iPhone falling into the temptations of liking the tweaks and wanting more (that's what it seemed to be leading towards for me).
     
  17. penplotter macrumors regular

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2014
    #17
    You missed the part where the girlfriend pesters you to adopt your iPhone, and then (inevitably) drops it in the sink or the loo... :D

    How about a chapter when ("he's"?) stuck in DFU mode, or gets "injured" in a p(l)ane crack(sh)
     
  18. Idlechef macrumors newbie

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    Apr 3, 2014
  19. decafjava macrumors 68000

    decafjava

    Joined:
    Feb 7, 2011
    Location:
    Geneva
    #19
    Hahaha, well makes me feel better about the life I gave my iphone 4 and now iphone 5. :D (What am I saying?). Nice story!
     
  20. StephenCampbell macrumors 65816

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2009
    #20
    Brilliant. The descriptions of the phone getting jailbroken were actually nightmarish in a dark sci-if kind of way. Very impactful.
     

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