NCMO when you're married?

[jelloshotsrule]

Porn?? Strip clubs?? You think those are healthy to relationships?

i'm not a big fan of strip clubs... besides just the dirtiness, i think something about a live person right in front of you is several steps above porn... which i don't have any problem with in a relationship.

it's very unlikely to find a guy who doesn't look at porn....

is... self servicing... without porn ok? does he have to only imagine his partner? or what?

 

[devilot]

is... self servicing... without porn ok? does he have to only imagine his partner? or what?

I'm guessing you'd be policed even then (in your mind) and even the thought of another wouldn't be allowed!

 

[floriflee]

Thoughts of others can't be helped unless you are entirely in control of your wits, which I'd say very few are, but more of us should try to work on. I'm just saying that there is a line that I wouldn't cross. You should do everything in your power to please your partner while trying to avoid the distraction of another, perhaps sexier/prettier/whatever getting into your head. There is something to be said for people placing unrealistic expectations on their partners after getting caught up in sexual fantasies perpetuated by porn. We may think that we can be completely objective in our viewing and fantasizing, and can separate the fantasy from the reality, but we end up somehow resenting our partners (even if it is ever so slightly) when they can't provide the same satisfaction we got when viewing/visualizing whatever porn it was that we were using for our self-service. The comparisons usually come subconsciously and will stick in the back of our heads whether we like it or not. I just think it's just a good way to lead to disappointment with your partner when they are unable to fully fulfill your fantasies for you.

 

[mkrishnan]

I'm guessing you'd be policed even then (in your mind) and even the thought of another wouldn't be allowed!

Nice... where can I get my Puritan outfit?

 

[devilot]

Thoughts of others can't be helped unless you are entirely in control of your wits, which I'd say very few are, but more of us should try to work on.

Sorry, I tend to disagree. I think that 'thoughts of others' can never be helped. How can I control someone else's thoughts without either brainwashing him/her or using some sort of sci-fi contraption?

There is something to be said for people placing unrealistic expectations on their partners after getting caught up in sexual fantasies perpetuated by porn (TV/media-- my, devilot's addition). We may think that we can be completely objective in our viewing and fantasizing, and separate the fantasy from the reality, but we end up somehow resenting our partners (even if it is ever so slightly) when they can't provide the same satisfaction we got when viewing/visualizing whatever porn it was that we were using for our self-service.

True in some ways. And since that is the case, the furry separation of fantasy and reality, then we might as well never watch TV or movies lest our partners become disillusioned because we aren't as beautiful/strong/sculpted/thin/etc. as the actors we see on the screen. I mean, last I checked in the mirror, I don't look like Angelina Jolie, etc., and my man doesn't look like Michael Vartan, etc. Guess we must have a pretty sad relationship since we both fail to look like and 'perform' like those we see, right?

 

[Deepdale]

... Personally, if my husband ever did that with someone else it would take a lot more than begging on the knees and a three carat ring to bring on my forgiveness.... Thoughts?

With a really jealous and/or possessive spouse, a husband could find himself following in the footsteps of John Bobbitt ... and no man wants to go down that road (even thinking about it hurts big time).

 

[floriflee]

With a really jealous and/or possessive spouse, a husband could find himself following in the footsteps of John Bobbitt ... and no man wants to go down that road (even thinking about it hurts big time).

Okay... so I was just trying to express the point that it would be a big breach of trust and that it would take a concerted effort to regain it again.

 

[Lord Blackadder]

NCMO = a myth. If you're already married then you are by definition already committed to one person and nobody else.

Porn and fantasizing are a huge grey area, I suppose some people are more "needy" in that area than their spouse can provide. A female friend of mine got very upset when she found her boyfriend's porn stash (magazines - that's so 1980s ). I don't think that looking at porn is in and of itself bad for a relationship, but it might be a sign that the person is looking for something that the relationship doesn't have.

I would not be sympathetic if my girlfriend was cheating on me though. If she's doing that, then the relationship is obviously failing and it's probably time to end it, or at least seriously re-evaluate things.

 

[efoto]

i'm not a big fan of strip clubs... besides just the dirtiness, i think something about a live person right in front of you is several steps above porn... which i don't have any problem with in a relationship.

it's very unlikely to find a guy who doesn't look at porn....

is... self servicing... without porn ok? does he have to only imagine his partner? or what?

I personally like to think that self servicing is a healthy part of a relationship considering men commonly like to be serviced more frequently then women (stereotypically speaking). If guys didn't 'fix' the issue then there would always be the tension of "can we do it? how about now?" Some women don't mind porn, others despise it because they view it as cheating (my ex ).

It all depends on the maturity of both people involved though. If the guy sees things he likes in porn and brings them up, well then there is obvious cause for trouble....but if he can separate porn and his relationship, I don't see it adding stress to the relationship in any way.

Well stated Lord Blackadder.

 

[jelloshotsrule]

You should do everything in your power to please your partner...

so then, my partner should do anything i want her to do to please me. yet i should not look at porn because it might give me ideas that my partner won't be up for and/or she can not live up to...?

i agree with you that sometimes the fantasy can cause reality to seem not as good, etc.. however, i do believe that if that's the case and it causes a problem, then there's a deeper underlying issue than someone looking at porn

as for devilot's point about media, i agree. though i personally find more "real" women much more attractive, for whatever reason.

efoto- well said. to some extent i could see the self service aisle as a way to defray the importance physiologically placed on sex within some men... but that's me

that said, nmco or whatever- not cool in my book


for those saying "once you're married, not cool. before that, yeah!"... do you mean before you are married. or before you are in any sort of committed monogamous relationship?

 

[efoto]

efoto- well said. to some extent i could see the self service aisle as a way to defray the importance physiologically placed on sex within some men... but that's me

What can I say?
Some guys just want sex more than others and the simple urgency they might exhibit can be detrimental to a relationship, especially if she isn't in the mood and the disagreement of action causes issues.
I don't see anything wrong with wanking whether in a relationship or not, hell I'll probably still do it when I'm married (god forbid) because I won't want to impose sex on my wife if she simply isn't in the mood and I am.

that said, nmco or whatever- not cool in my book

for those saying "once you're married, not cool. before that, yeah!"... do you mean before you are married. or before you are in any sort of committed monogamous relationship?

Agreed on this side-stuff not being cool. If you are married or in a committed relationship, you should act like, which means you need to uphold the commitments you stated when you started. I suppose some committed relationships may have this side-stuff built in, but I don't agree with that and can't see how that is a healthy thing long term.

I believe when most state "before you are married" they mean when you are single and stupid....like adolescence and beyond. Although the legal ties of marriage differ from that of a committed monogamous relationship, the moral values of the two are the same and therefore just because there are no rings or signed papers, this side-stuff still doesn't fly in committed relationships, be they marriage or otherwise.

 

[wPod]

marriage is a huge commitment. something that should never be broken. but unfortunately has been destroyed in the modern day of divorce. however i still feel that marriage is very sacred and should only be for the strongest form of a relationship.

that being said, i think a strong relationship is based off of trust and understanding of each person in the relationship. if you could trust in your significant other enough to find a way to NCMO with someone else then i think that would be fair. i actually think it could be good for a relationship. especially once you have gotten kinda bored with the a long term relationship. i have generally found that the more people you exchange 'making out' with then the more you learn and that good results come from it. sure, you might end up making out with someone that isnt very good, but then again you might find someone that is good and learn something from the experience.

but now comes the biggest question. could a relationship actually have the trust to allow NCMO.

ive never been married (im in college) and one time had a gf that gave me permission to partake in NCMO (or sorts, never heard that actual term, but yeah) i thought it was great, the girl i was dating said it was ok, but eventually admitted to not liking it very much. its hard in a relationship, you might want to have your significant other do anything to let them be happy, but in reality it just might not be the best. hard to say.