gusanitoverde

macrumors 6502
Original poster
Jun 12, 2003
281
0
Northern California
Popular joke, I read it years ago. I found it again. It's hilarious.

"Apple vs. Microsoft"
Three Microsoft engineers and three Apple employees are traveling by train to a computer conference. At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple employees buy only a single ticket.__"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft engineer.__"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple employee.__They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats, but all three Apple employees cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."__The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.__The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to do the same on the return trip and save some money.__When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple employees don't buy any ticket, at all.__"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer.__"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple employee.__When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a restroom and the three Apple employees cram into another one nearby. The train departs.__Shortly afterward, one of the Apple employees leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
 

homerjward

macrumors 68030
May 11, 2004
2,745
0
fig tree
that's an oldie, but definitely a goodie :p

here's another one of my favorites:

3 employees, one from microsoft, one from sun, and one from apple are in a restroom, at the urinals. when the microsoft employee is done he washes his hands, and dries his hands completely with like 10 paper towels. "at microsoft," he says, "we're very thorough." the sun employee finishes, washes his hands, dries them with 1 paper towel. "at sun we're very thorough AND very efficient." the apple engineer leaves without washing his hands, and says "at apple, we don't piss on our hands."
 

iJon

macrumors 604
Feb 7, 2002
6,575
200
Funny, but has nothing to do with Mac and PC. You can replace Microsoft and Apple with just about any group. I usually here the pissing joke with Army and the Navy instead.

jon
 

OutThere

macrumors 603
Dec 19, 2002
5,730
3
NYC
iJon said:
Funny, but has nothing to do with Mac and PC. You can replace Microsoft and Apple with just about any group. I usually here the pissing joke with Army and the Navy instead.

jon

I've heard it as a dumb blonde joke and as a wome vs. men joke before. If the people haven't heard it, it can be adapted to be funny in any situation.
:D
 

mkrishnan

Moderator emeritus
Jan 9, 2004
29,776
12
Grand Rapids, MI, USA
OoOoOo...that pee joke is disgusting. Why would anyone not wash their hands????

annoyed.gif


*slowly backs out of room, slightly embarrassedly*
 

steve_hill4

macrumors 68000
May 15, 2005
1,856
0
NG9, England
mkrishnan said:
OoOoOo...that pee joke is disgusting. Why would anyone not wash their hands????
It always ruins the joke when you think about it too much.

If we aren't sticking purely to Mac vs PC jokes and just M$ bashing, here's my contribution, (another oldie):

There were five people on board the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
 

steve_hill4

macrumors 68000
May 15, 2005
1,856
0
NG9, England
I found a site with 166 pages of Microsoft jokes, so here's another one:

Bill Gates goes to Heaven
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.

Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace. Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like Woodstock gone metastatic.

Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.

"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."

"Gates, Bill."

Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works.

"What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"

Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise.

"It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"

"Yes."

"Well then, do the math, chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"

"I guess not."
"You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."

"Job assignment?"

"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill.

"Take this down to induction centre #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not *that* Abraham."

Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction centre #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.

"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."

"I had to wait *three* weeks," said Bill.

Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realised that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat.

"Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."

Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing centre. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fibre optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."

Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"

"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the centre now?"

"You bet!"

Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing centre. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fibre optic cables properly installed. But the centre was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million ... Macintoshes ... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight!

Not a single byte of Microsoft code!

The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill.

"What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word?"

"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.

"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.

"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing centre based on PCs running Windows, then....
.... GO TO HELL!"

Here's the link: http://members.ozemail.com.au/~lbrash/msjokes/joke.html. The irony being it is downloadable in Word format. :D
 

monke

macrumors 65816
May 30, 2005
1,437
2
Found this one the other day.
 

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steve_hill4

macrumors 68000
May 15, 2005
1,856
0
NG9, England
runplaysleeprun said:
I want my 3 minutes of life back. That joke could have been a tenth the length.
I agree, although since it was the first proper Mac vs PC joke in the 166 page document I mentioned, I thought I would post it.

If I wasted 3 minutes of my life, I don't see why others should escape.;)
 

Voidness

macrumors 6502a
Aug 2, 2005
847
65
Null
here's one I read a while back:

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATTLE airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Here's another one, though not microsoft related:

From: Joe
To: Technical Support

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed That the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to Run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks, Joe

Tech Support response:

Dear Joe:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.


Best of luck.
Tech Support.
 

sushi

Moderator emeritus
Jul 19, 2002
15,639
3
キャンプスワ&#
steve_hill4 said:
It always ruins the joke when you think about it too much.

If we aren't sticking purely to Mac vs PC jokes and just M$ bashing, here's my contribution, (another oldie):

There were five people on board the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
Heard this with others such as Hillary Clinton as the smartest woman in the world.
 

hookahco

macrumors regular
heres a funny joke.
A man was walking on the beach when he got the urge for a cigarette, but he had no matches. He saw another man coming toward him carrying a gym bag, so he asked him for a light. The second man opened the gym bag and took out a HUGE cigarette lighter. "Where did you get that big lighter?" asked the first man. "There’s a genie down the beach granting wishes," the second man answered. So the first man walked along the beach and sure enough, there was a genie. "Do you grant wishes?" the man asked, and the genie answered "Yes, but only one wish to a customer." "I want a million bucks," the man asked. The genie waved his hand, and suddenly the sky was full of ducks flying in from all directions. "Hey," the man said, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." "Sorry, one wish to a customer," the genie answered. Angry, the man went back up the beach until he ran into the man with the gym bag. "That’s some f**ked-up genie," he said. "I asked for a million bucks, and all I got was a million ducks."
"You’re telling me?" the other man answered. "Do you really think I wanted a two-foot Bic?"
 

Mr_Ed

macrumors 6502
Mar 10, 2004
452
13
North and east of Mickeyland
hookahco said:
heres a funny joke.

I remember hearing the same joke, but the guy walks into a bar with a foot long (or 12 inch) little man in his coat pocket. He puts him on the bar with a tiny little piano and the little guy plays like a prodigy. Hence, a "12 inch PIANIST" :D
 
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