One of the best jokes I've read MAC VS. PC

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by gusanitoverde, Dec 25, 2005.

  1. gusanitoverde macrumors 6502


    Jun 12, 2003
    Northern California
    Popular joke, I read it years ago. I found it again. It's hilarious.

    "Apple vs. Microsoft"
    Three Microsoft engineers and three Apple employees are traveling by train to a computer conference. At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple employees buy only a single ticket.__"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft engineer.__"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple employee.__They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats, but all three Apple employees cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."__The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.__The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to do the same on the return trip and save some money.__When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple employees don't buy any ticket, at all.__"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer.__"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple employee.__When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a restroom and the three Apple employees cram into another one nearby. The train departs.__Shortly afterward, one of the Apple employees leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
  2. homerjward macrumors 68030


    May 11, 2004
    fig tree
    that's an oldie, but definitely a goodie :p

    here's another one of my favorites:

    3 employees, one from microsoft, one from sun, and one from apple are in a restroom, at the urinals. when the microsoft employee is done he washes his hands, and dries his hands completely with like 10 paper towels. "at microsoft," he says, "we're very thorough." the sun employee finishes, washes his hands, dries them with 1 paper towel. "at sun we're very thorough AND very efficient." the apple engineer leaves without washing his hands, and says "at apple, we don't piss on our hands."
  3. iJon macrumors 604


    Feb 7, 2002
    Funny, but has nothing to do with Mac and PC. You can replace Microsoft and Apple with just about any group. I usually here the pissing joke with Army and the Navy instead.

  4. OutThere macrumors 603


    Dec 19, 2002
    I've heard it as a dumb blonde joke and as a wome vs. men joke before. If the people haven't heard it, it can be adapted to be funny in any situation.
  5. mkrishnan Moderator emeritus


    Jan 9, 2004
    Grand Rapids, MI, USA
    OoOoOo...that pee joke is disgusting. Why would anyone not wash their hands????


    *slowly backs out of room, slightly embarrassedly*
  6. steve_hill4 macrumors 68000


    May 15, 2005
    NG9, England
    It always ruins the joke when you think about it too much.

    If we aren't sticking purely to Mac vs PC jokes and just M$ bashing, here's my contribution, (another oldie):

    There were five people on board the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

    "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

    Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

    Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

    The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

    The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
  7. mad jew Moderator emeritus

    mad jew

    Apr 3, 2004
    Adelaide, Australia
    Nice one steve_hill4 :D

    Was the hippie called Steve? Erm... Steve Jobs that is, not Steve Hill...
  8. steve_hill4 macrumors 68000


    May 15, 2005
    NG9, England
    I found a site with 166 pages of Microsoft jokes, so here's another one:

    Bill Gates goes to Heaven
    Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.

    Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace. Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like Woodstock gone metastatic.

    Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.

    "Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."

    "Gates, Bill."

    Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works.

    "What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"

    Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise.

    "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"


    "Well then, do the math, chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"

    "I guess not."
    "You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."

    "Job assignment?"

    "Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill.

    "Take this down to induction centre #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not *that* Abraham."

    Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction centre #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.

    "Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."

    "I had to wait *three* weeks," said Bill.

    Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realised that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat.

    "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."

    Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing centre. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fibre optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."

    Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"

    "We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the centre now?"

    "You bet!"

    Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing centre. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fibre optic cables properly installed. But the centre was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million ... Macintoshes ... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight!

    Not a single byte of Microsoft code!

    The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill.

    "What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word?"

    "You're forgetting something," said Abraham.

    "What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.

    "This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing centre based on PCs running Windows, then....
    .... GO TO HELL!"

    Here's the link: The irony being it is downloadable in Word format. :D
  9. CelticBhoy macrumors member

    Jan 27, 2004
    wake me up, please, when someone posts something funny ......
  10. haiggy macrumors 65816

    Aug 20, 2003
    Ontario, Canada
    Agreed. Those jokes are waaaaaaaaaayyyyy tooooooooo looooooonngggg :rolleyes:
  11. runplaysleeprun macrumors 6502a


    Jul 27, 2004
    Chicago, IL
    I want my 3 minutes of life back. That joke could have been a tenth the length.
  12. monke macrumors 65816


    May 30, 2005
    Found this one the other day.

    Attached Files:

  13. steve_hill4 macrumors 68000


    May 15, 2005
    NG9, England
    I agree, although since it was the first proper Mac vs PC joke in the 166 page document I mentioned, I thought I would post it.

    If I wasted 3 minutes of my life, I don't see why others should escape.;)
  14. Doctor Q Administrator

    Doctor Q

    Staff Member

    Sep 19, 2002
    Los Angeles
    I told gusanitoverde's joke from the first post at dinner tonight. Everyone got a kick out of it.

    And now we know how to save money on trainfare!
  15. NewbieNerd macrumors 6502a


    Sep 22, 2005
    Chicago, IL
    You're a macrumors member...your goal here IS to waste your life. :p
  16. Counterfit macrumors G3


    Aug 20, 2003
    sitting on your shoulder
    I first heard it, and usually tell it as Navy (washer) vs. Marines (non-washer).

    Should we delve into oxy-morons? yes :D
    Microsoft Works :p
  17. illegalprelude macrumors 68000


    Mar 10, 2005
    Los Angeles, California
  18. Voidness macrumors 6502a


    Aug 2, 2005
    here's one I read a while back:

    Here's another one, though not microsoft related:

  19. sushi Moderator emeritus


    Jul 19, 2002
    Heard this with others such as Hillary Clinton as the smartest woman in the world.
  20. hookahco macrumors regular

    Jun 11, 2005
    To Live n Die in L.A. California
    heres a funny joke.
  21. Mr_Ed macrumors 6502

    Mar 10, 2004
    North and east of Mickeyland
    I remember hearing the same joke, but the guy walks into a bar with a foot long (or 12 inch) little man in his coat pocket. He puts him on the bar with a tiny little piano and the little guy plays like a prodigy. Hence, a "12 inch PIANIST" :D

Share This Page