problems with my moms boyfriend

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by ghall, Jun 21, 2008.

  1. ghall macrumors 68040


    Jun 27, 2006
    Rhode Island
    So my mom has been dating this guy for a few years and for awhile he didnt really bother me. When I was in 9th grade he woke me up one morning and started hitting me. I told a teacher and they contacted the proper authorities and after the whole case was reviewed nothing came of it. Since then he has resorted to simply being verbally abusive and Ive resorted to hating him.

    It's always bothers me that my mom has been dating this guy, and she gets all bent out of shape when I try to talk about it. All her sisters and her mother are silently on my side on this matter (they've told me). He is very rude and intolerant, two things I can't stand in a person. But today sent me over the edge, for the past few months I've been dating a bisexual, while I myself am hetero, I obviously don't mind being around people with different sexualities. Anyway that's not the point. Today he and my mom were talking about going somewhere for the afternoon. My mom suggested going downtown but there's a gay pride festival going on there so my moms boyfriend said "are you sure? All the f**s are there". I started crying and my mom was wondering what was wrong. Well my girlfriend is one of the "f**s" downtown, so was I supposed to find the comment amusing? Anyway I told my mom that I was offended and her reaction was pretty much that I wasn't aloud to be.

    She gets so defensive about him, its sickening. How do I make my mom see that this guy doesn't even deserve to live nevermind be her boyfriend. He is so ignorant, racist, homophobic, rude...the list goes on. Why is my mom the only one who can't see that?
  2. MacDawg macrumors Core


    Mar 20, 2004
    "Between the Hedges"
    The old "love is blind" cliche comes to mind

    Relationships are complex... security, affection, fear, loneliness and more

    Hang in there ;)

    Woof, Woof - Dawg [​IMG]
  3. Queso macrumors G4

    Mar 4, 2006
    You should have told him your girlfriend and a lot of your friends were there, but left it at that. No point being all emo about it though. You can't choose your family.
  4. CanadaRAM macrumors G5


    Oct 11, 2004
    On the Left Coast - Victoria BC Canada
    She isn't doing this deliberately to hurt you -- love literally is blind, it distorts a person's perceptions just like heroin does. She can't see how her devotion to this man affects others. You would stand up and fight for your girlfriend, right? Your mom would do the same for her boyfriend. And for whatever reason, her reality is that she feels she needs to defend him and deny his shortcomings.

    Now I'm not saying that's a good thing, as it obviously affects someone else who is important to her -- you. And like most people in this world, she is not mature enough to figure out on her own how to balance the two. So she makes some bad choices, because that's all she knows how to do.

    You are not going to be able to change her mind on this -- only she can do that. She probably won't be able to see the need for change without outside help.

    Remember this: You are not the person to help her with this.

    You are the child, she is the parent. It is not your role to be her rescuer or teacher.

    What you can do is to get some help for yourself. You're going to have to deal with this for another couple of years until you can go on your own. The good news is that you are starting to create an independent life for yourself. The challenge is that you need to make it healthily and (mostly) happily to that point.

    Talk to a professional counsellor at school, or at church, or at a community health centre - there are resources for you, and they should be free. Depending on your age they may need a parent's consent, ask the counsellor for help with getting that. Get some support to help you. Your main job right now is to develop the resources and internal strength to look after yourself.

    Good luck, growing up is a road with many potholes, and pains that seem -- at the time -- to be insurmountable. They are not -- you will look back later and say "We'll parts of that really s****d, but I made it through, and it wasn't as bad as I feared."
  5. ghall thread starter macrumors 68040


    Jun 27, 2006
    Rhode Island
    Well I have an interesting update, my mom just called me and they're at the gay pride festival and they saw my girlfriend there (I don't know why my girlfriend didn't invite me but that's another story). :\ My brain hurts, I'd have thought my mom's boyfriend's head would have exploded if he came anywhere near a gay person.

    Anyway, after all the "love is blind' comments, I've been thinking about how my mom has said stuff about my girlfriend being what she thought was rude. I think I see where my mom might be coming from, but he's a bad person, my girlfriend just doesn't have manners that are up to my mom's expectations of perfection.

    But my mom changes when he's around. Today we were having a pretty good day until he showed up, and then she just started being all b**chy to me. I told her that I don't like how she changes when he's around and she was like "if you think things are worse when he's around then you're kidding yourself". Well, she totally missed the point of what I was trying to say.
  6. Queso macrumors G4

    Mar 4, 2006
    Mothers generally never like the woman in their son's life without some serious time elapsing. Don't worry on that front, it's perfectly normal :D
  7. ghall thread starter macrumors 68040


    Jun 27, 2006
    Rhode Island
    Um...that's not the issue here. I couldn't really give a hoot about what my mom thinks about my girlfriend. :p
  8. Gray-Wolf macrumors 68030


    Apr 19, 2008
    Pandora, Home Tree
    With regards to the OP's troubles, I would still let family members know what's going on, the verbal abuse, ect for the record. Things can change, though I hope for the better for you.
  9. yojitani macrumors 68000


    Apr 28, 2005
    An octopus's garden
    This sounds like a disturbing situation that, I think CanadaRAM is right, needs the attention of a professional. Verbal abuse is still abuse and the fact that there has been physical abuse in the past is the more a concern that it could reoccur if the promts were there. You should seek support - you may need to bring about a situation in which you can discuss this with your mother in the presence of an arbitrator-type person.
  10. scotthayes macrumors 68000


    Jun 6, 2007
    Birmingham, England
    If I were in your situation, I'd hide a tape recorder (do they still make them???) and when he starts saying abusive things to you I'd secretly record him and then when you have enough of his rants I'd play it back in front of him and your mom (make a copy firth though).

    Oh and if he ever hits you again go straight to the police.
  11. BengalDuck macrumors regular

    Oct 27, 2006
    I'm not sure how old you are, but you referred to the situation when you were in the 9th grade as if it happened a few years ago.

    So, assuming you're old enough, move out.

    Move in with your grandmother, or any of your sisters who live alone. Tell your mother that you are moving out until her and her boyfriend change.

    Maybe drastic, but you're not in a healthy living situation right now. I don't want to say you'll need counseling or anything like that in the future, but it is certainly possible.
  12. redAPPLE macrumors 68030


    May 7, 2002
    2 Much Infinite Loops
    the way things sound, the boyfriend is such a "frightful" person, that the grandmother and aunts (other family members) agree with the op's opinion regarding the boyfriend, but have not spoken with the mother about the issue.

    that is one interesting aspect.
  13. furious macrumors 65816


    Aug 7, 2006
    I cannot believe know-body has suggested the op go the authorities.

    ghall if what you say is true I would be going to the authorities. You and your mum both have the right to feel safe in your own home. If the boyfriend has physically abused you in the past and continues to verbally abuse you I would not hesitate to guess he has done and does abuse your mother.

    It might be also a good idea to talk to another adult you feel comfortable discussing the issues with. I would suggest your girlfriends mother and farther.
    It looks like your mothers mother and sisters are not able to help.

    It will be hard but justice needs to be served.

    I feel for you dude. Remember to keep your chin up.
  14. Abstract macrumors Penryn


    Dec 27, 2002
    Location Location Location
    I was going to suggest the same thing. If he does anything to you again, physical or otherwise, I'd go to the police. They may not do anything for you, but it'll be in their files. That may serve you well in the future.

    Oh, and learn kung-fu or something, and go ape if he touches you again.
  15. glocke12 macrumors 6502a


    Jan 7, 2008
    Dont worry about it too much. One can do very little to influence the decisons that other family members make. Just a find a way to deal with it and move on with your life. Although I gotta agree with others, if the dude lays a hand on you again file a police report.
  16. wahicequeen macrumors newbie

    Jun 22, 2008

    This is such a bad situation, but no matter how bad it gets, you know that the bottom line is you have to talk to your mom about it. It doesn't matter if you fight about it, as long as you stand up for it. In the end of the line, your intentions are pure and you need to let her know.

    Its the only answer to you question.

    Good luck. And i Hope you be able to fix this soon.

    Love will never fade, as long as it doesn't stray.

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