TOILET
Is it wrong that I read this in Jonny Ive’s voice?I would definitely wait for the new watch. An anonymous source tells me that Apple will be releasing a new product and Series 5 is the only Apple watch that will be compatible with it. I don’t know how reliable my source is but the person provided me with what is supposed to be a promotion of the new product:
We’ve designed a range of products so personal, you don’t put them on your desk or in your pocket; you sit on them with your bare buttocks. We’ve conceived, designed, and developed Apple Toilet. We’re introducing an unparalleled level of technical innovation combined with a design that connects the sitter at an intimate level to both embrace individuality and inspire relief.
Waste elimination is fundamentally important. So we’ve developed a whole new interface specific to the challenges associated with a product this engaging. Our toilet scans your groin and informs you whether to stand or sit. Navigation is fluid and vital. The flush handle is a remarkable input device. It enables nimble, precise flushing. Press lightly to get a quick flush. Press harder to get a deep thorough flush. If your fast-paced schedule doesn’t allow time to ensure completeness, adaptive technology provides a courtesy flush. Integrated into the product is odor neutralization which minimizes olfactory discomfort at a molecular level. Our patented Rectal Rumbling Reduction system provides supreme acoustics and sonic emitters which cancels out humiliating reverberations. We’ve also incorporated features for those that desire a more engaging and social experience. With haptic Digital Flatulence, we’ve developed an entirely new way for you to connect intimately with others. You can get someone’s attention with a gentle fart. Or you can even share something as personal as your own back-end blowout. These are subtle ways to communicate that technology often inhibits rather than enables.
With Toilet Time, you can access real-time reports about how much time you spend on your toilet and set limits for what you want to manage. This way, you can make more informed decisions about how you use your toilet, and set limits if you'd like to. Family Sharing allows each member to have their own personal commode login. With a paired iPhone, you can receive notifications for when it’s time to get off the toilet or when the toilet paper is low.
Personalization extends way beyond the interface. We have designed six different toilet seats and a mechanism that makes the seats easily interchangeable with a refinement in precision that’s born of functionality. From different bowls and seats, we’ve created two distinctive collections. The first is a polished bowl made from a custom alloy of stainless steel. The brilliance and reflectivity is astounding. The second is the ceramic collection which is four times harder than stainless steel and is the ultimate combination of beauty and strength. The finish is remarkably smooth with a pearl like shine.
For the first time, and with great intention, we’ve designed a device that melds high tech form with bodily functions. We’re at a compelling beginning designing technology to be sat on, to be vulgarly personal.
Stink different. ™
