Relationship question

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by Kirbydelsol, Jan 12, 2012.

  1. Kirbydelsol macrumors newbie

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2012
    #1
    To say that I've forgiven my girlfriend is true, but there is a lingering feeling in the back of my mind. To fully explain it, I'll give you the summed up version of my story. (I would like some outside input on this as well)

    Ok, so my (Now) girlfriend and I met in 2009, we were never "Official or Exclusive" at that time. I moved to Massachusetts, we didn't talk much at all. The only thing she asked of me before I moved, was to tell her if I met someone else later. I did meet someone else, 2 weeks before I moved to MA. The only reason I started seeing this new girl (we'll call her Becca), was because my gf (let's call her Jane) stopped talking to me and seeing me for no reason (later I found it was because she was falling for me and hated that I was moving so she shut down.). I did not tell Jane about Becca. Jane found out about Becca through Facebook. This was all a huge mistake on my part.

    I move back to California 9 months later. I have a relationship with Becca for about 10 months, it goes for about half of that. I made a mistake, by being with Becca, because I knew I loved Jane. I fought with this truth inside my head daily.

    One day, I broke down and I started to talk to Jane again, she was dating some guy. We hung out, it had been almost a year since we had seen each other, and all these feelings came back. We watched a movie at my place, and to be honest, neither of us were paying attention to the movie. The tension between us was tangible. But neither of us acted on it. I drove her home, and said goodnight. All I wanted was to kiss her, but we were both in relationships. A few months later, I call her again, she had moved in with some other guy, that bothered me, so I didn't talk to her for a month.

    After that month, I called her, she had moved out of the place she was at with that stupid dude. We started talking again. After about a week, I had a big fight with Becca, I told her I wanted to end things. I broke up with her, and I called Jane. 15 minutes later, Becca called me and I took her back, but in my heart it was over. This is the second mistake I made. I didn't tell Jane that I took Becca back. Jane came over that night, we made out for an hour. I cheated on Becca, even though in my heart it was already over. I felt bad, I walked Jane to her car, she asked if I would call her the next day, I said of course.

    I dodged her calls for almost 10 days. I finally called her, said I was dealing with some sh*.t and I wanted to see her. She and I started dating. For 2 months it was great, until my guilt caught up with me. I finally told her what happened, it was one of the worst fights of my life. Even after everything, she told me she would take me back and follow me blindly through life. I said I didn't deserve to have her. The next day, we got back together after the agonizing pain it was to not have each other. For 3 months it was really great.

    Until one day, she tells me that she doesn't want to be exclusive anymore.
    freak out, why I ask? She says she loves me, but she doesn't know if she can ever trust me again, and she can't go through life not trusting me.

    Nothing happens for a while, we still date (but we've never been officially BF/GF). Finally, we have a fight one day, and that's apparently all that it took for to accept one of her friend's offer to match her up with one of her friends. She tells me its not like she's said yes to a date yet. She starts going to therapy to work on her self confidence, which is part of the reason the next thing happens.

    2 weeks later, she breaks up with me 4 days before my birthday. 2 days before our planned trip to Disneyland. I try to stop her for hours. It was one of the worst nights of my life.

    We still saw each other off and on, never sure when the next time I'll see her will be, it was torture, but I loved her.

    In June, she tells me she is going on a date with that guy from before, the one her friend recommended. I wanted to kill this guy from the moment I heard about him.

    Now, about a week later, she goes on a date with him. I do nothing, except get angry. After a couple dates with him, she says she wants a date night with me, she says she wants to talk to me about something.
    We go out to dinner, she says while she is figuring things out at therapy, she won't date anyone else, it will just be me. She looks me in the eye and tells me that. I believe her. She tells me that the next day, she will tell the other guy that it is not going to work out. I believe her.

    Now remember, we were never exclusive, never official.

    The next day, I head home. I hang out with my friends. Waiting to hear from Jane about how it went. I knew she was going on a trip with her family for 4 days. But I only heard from Jane once that night, simply saying goodnight. Nothing more.

    In my gut, I could tell something was wrong.

    When she got back from her trip, she called me, I wanted to see her. She told me I'd see her tomorrow, she was tired. The next day, she had to be alone for therapy homework. The next day, she was tired. Then the next day, she has family dinner that night (which is true). On her way home, she calls me, shows up at my place.

    She says she has to tell me something. She tells me the truth. And this is what still hurts me every now and then to this day.

    When she say that guy to tell him it was over, she did tell him, and he did understand. But later that night, she told him that she was wrong and didn't want to end things yet.
    When she told me she was tired, and had to be alone for therapy, she was actually seeing him.

    She lied to me, just as I had lied to her in the past. Now to me, I still feel as if she cheated on me. Not because we were exclusive, but because that one night she told me it would be just me and her.

    Things didn't get better after that until August.
    She came back to me, after 2 weeks of not seeing me, not talking to me, not anything involving me. She came back, asking me to take her back. I did, we've been official and exclusive ever since. We love each other, we live together now, have for 5 months. We're happy, it wasn't easy to get here, but we did.

    What I'm asking is, how do I let go of the anger from the lie?
     
  2. mscriv macrumors 601

    mscriv

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2008
    Location:
    Dallas, Texas
    #2
    Your anger should be tempered by the fact that you did the exact same thing to her. I'm not saying she was justified in what she did, both of you were wrong. And, let's be clear, if you were never exclusive, then neither of you were cheating on each other. The wrong that has been committed is the fact that you kept the truth from each other. You did it first and then she did the same thing later.

    If you can't let go of the anger, then it's probably best to end this relationship now and move on in life. There's a lot of baggage here on both sides. If you can't forgive and move forward then the relationship will not survive.
     
  3. Kirbydelsol thread starter macrumors newbie

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2012
    #3
    You're absolutely right, but I'm not constantly angry. Its more like once a month or so, I'll think about it. And I just get upset. Maybe I'm just venting here, but it's nor ruining my relationship.
     
  4. mscriv macrumors 601

    mscriv

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2008
    Location:
    Dallas, Texas
    #4
    Well, I'm glad to hear that it's not ruining your relationship. What you are describing is quite common as most people don't truly understand forgiveness. Forgiving someone is not a "one and done" thing and it's impossible to "forgive and forget". Forgiveness is a process and an act of the will where by you choose to release someone from the debt of the pain that they have caused you. Since it's impossible to forget, the memory of the event will always be there and at times the emotional pain associated may present itself again. It's in those moments that you must choose to forgive again, and again, and again....

    The curriculum I use in a marriage group I facilitate gives some great insight:
    From what you have described in your relationship it's important that both of you can take these steps in regards to what has happened in the past. Best wishes. :)
     
  5. velocityg4 macrumors 68040

    velocityg4

    Joined:
    Dec 19, 2004
    Location:
    Georgia
    #5
    It's been over two years. That's enough time for the two of you to know absolutely whether or not you want to spend the rest of your lives together.

    If you don't then stop wasting each others times. Break all contact and move on. You only live a short time so why waste more of it on something that won't work?

    If on the other hand you two are absolutely certain you want to spend the rest of your lives together then get married. Though from the sound of things the first option may be more apt. Due to the mutual lying, anger and fighting.

    Just because you love someone is not sufficient reason to stick together. You can love many people but not get along with them.
     
  6. renewed macrumors 68040

    renewed

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2009
    Location:
    Bemalte Blumen duften nicht.
    #6
    Excellent stuff mscriv. I think the OP owes you a paypal donation. :D
     
  7. Kirbydelsol thread starter macrumors newbie

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2012
    #7
    That was fantastic advice. Thank you very much. What you said makes a lot of sense. It's really something that I have to work on, to accept that it happened, but it isn't happening now.
     
  8. mscriv macrumors 601

    mscriv

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2008
    Location:
    Dallas, Texas
    #8
    My services on MR are free, although I've actually been thinking for a long time about setting up some kind of advice website where people could pay a small flat fee for getting a question answered or advice given. Kind of like a "Dear Abby" where you are guaranteed to get a response for a modest charge. It wouldn't be therapy, but more of a "if I was in your situation here's what I would do" and here's some things to think about. I guess I haven't moved on it because I don't know if it would actually work.

    Your welcome. I'm glad you found it to be encouraging. We're all working on something; one day at a time is all any of us can do.
     
  9. acidfast7 macrumors 65816

    acidfast7

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2008
    Location:
    EU
    #9
    This better be a cut-n-paste job, because that's hella long. You probably could've solved the entire situation with that much effort?

    Cliffs?
     

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