Same ol' thing, Relationship Advice.

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by Metatron, Oct 17, 2007.

  1. Metatron macrumors 6502


    Jul 2, 2002
    Need some advice from both sides of the boat here. My girlfriend of 5 years just left me. We still see each other and are best friends, but I am horribly off balance without her. (its bad)

    Quick About Us -

    She is in school, had been for several years. I am out of school. We met at her and my ages, 16 and 19, respectfuly. Now I am 24, her 21. She told me she felt like she was on a leash and wanted to try new things, met new people. Live Life! I understand from her point of view. I am all she knew for as long as she has been dating. She says she loves me but is not in love with me. I can't hate her, I love her to much. She says we are to different, but I know that is hogwash. We planned on marriage, named or "potential" children. All that crap long term couples do. She says she wants to stay friends, but she doesn't think we will ever get back together again. AHHHHH! :(

    Questions -

    1) What should I do to try to get her back?

    2) I know the old saying, set it free, if it comes back... have any other ladies went through this same senario as my ex-gf...what happened to you?

    3) In general, what advice would you give?

    **Don't bother with all the wall comments/advice, im a pretty modest guy.
  2. Naimfan macrumors 601


    Jan 15, 2003
    Sorry to hear that.

    1. Nothing. The more you try, the farther away you push her.

    2. Your description sounds final, so grieve and move on.

    3. Take all the time you need to grieve and recover. Try to remember there are a LOT of people out there, and there will be others. It takes both people to want to be in a relationship, and it sounds like she's decided.

    Good luck--and be glad she decided before you married, had kids, a house, etc.
  3. Swarmlord macrumors 6502a


    Sep 18, 2006
    I have to second these comments.

    I know you won't believe me, but in five years you'll either barely remember the details, won't care or both.
  4. Leareth macrumors 68000


    Nov 11, 2004
    1) Let her be. Do nothing to get in her way, but be there to help/support if she asks - like a friend not a boyfriend.

    2) After a few years of "freedom" , she might realized you are what she wants or hate your guts or have found someone she likes more. there is no way of knowing. A couple in I have known since high school -were high school sweet hearts, split in college, and after years of living life, exploring etc, decided that they still found each other interesting, got back together and got married less than year ago, she is expecting a baby in febraury now. they are now in their mid 30's So yeah it can work in the long run.

    3) Let her live life alone. She needs time and space to explore herself and what she really wants/needs. only time will tell where it goes regarding you+her.

    realistically though she has gone on her path, you on yours - you may meet again on the road of life but there are other people out there too.
  5. Snowy_River macrumors 68030


    Jul 17, 2002
    Corvallis, OR
    Hi Metatron,

    I've been in a place somewhat similar to where you are. There was someone who I was devastatingly in love with, but she decided that, although she loved me, she wasn't in love with me. I tried to let go, to move on, but stay friends with her. It didn't work very well. It hurt for years. She was the only person I wanted to be with. Yes, I had other girlfriends, but it always felt like they were just substitutes. My feelings even continued after she got married.

    For me, I had to break the connection. I haven't spoken with her in almost seven years. In that time, I've been happy. I've met someone who is a better match for me than she ever was, and now I'm happily married.

    I know that it's hard to hear this, but I think that the best advice I could offer is to give yourself some distance from your ex. Right now, even though you say she's your best friend, I suspect that the relationship is doing more to hurt you than to help you. I'm not going to say that you can't be friends with her. I applaud couples who can remain friends after breaking up. But for you, right now, I think that it's in your best interest not to think of her as your best friend, but as a more distant friend. Give yourself time to heal, time to find your own center, maybe even time to find a new girlfriend. Then you might be able to rekindle the friendship with your ex. But as long as you're holding on to hopes of getting back together with her, you're not letting go and your just doing more harm to yourself.

    I hope this helps. Of course, I'm only speaking from my own experience. Ultimately, you're the only one who can figure things like this out for yourself.

    Good luck. Let me know if I can do anything else...
  6. ravenvii macrumors 604


    Mar 17, 2004
    Melenkurion Skyweir
    You probably won't take my advice...

    But don't be her "friend". Tell her you're fine with being friends, and all that PC ********, but don't act on it. Don't call her, don't email her, cut all contact, remove her from your AIM/MSN/whatever buddylist and delete her from your address book. Those are reminders of her you don't need that right now.

    Get a new hobby. Lift weights, play video games, whatever. Get your mind off her.

    And with time, this, too, shall pass.

    My rationale for not being friends? Firstly, it's my own rule for myself. Never be a friend with a girl who rejected me or dumped me. It just makes the pain worse, because she's right there, yet you can't get her (you know what I mean), and you will watch her go through other boyfriends. It's just not worth it.

    And secondly, I just need to quote you for this rationale:

    'Nuff said.
  7. SMM macrumors 65816


    Sep 22, 2006
    Tiger Mountain - WA State
    "...... love you ......but ....... friends ......", whenever you hear these words in the same sentence, odds are the relationship is history (at least at that time and place). It has been my experience that most women do not have this discussion until their mind is quite made up.

    If you have enjoyed a great relationship over these many years, then keep those memories close to the heart. Do not allow the change to cloud them with ill-feelings, or guilt. In most cases, people do not conspire to see a good relationship end. Things change for them, including their feelings. Who knows, it could be you breaking up with her, in the future and for similar reasons?

    The best advice is often the hardest to actually do. I would guess that your friends and family have offered their opinions. People like me can only speak in generalities. So, accept this in that light. I would just let her go and do not make her carry a guilt flag for doing so. You are not abandoned, nor lost without her. You have nothing to fear. Give her a big kiss, then move on with your life.

    It is a big world out there, full of adventure and new discoveries. Go enjoy it. Do not look at this as a negative thing. Think of it as change.
  8. mgguy macrumors 6502


    Dec 26, 2006
    As hard as it might be, you need to accept the fact that its over and you will never get back together with her. No way. She loves you but is not in love with you--that says it all. Its painful, there's no denying, but it will get better with time. I don't think that you can be friends with your ex anyway until you have disengaged from her emotionally. Being around her when you still have hopes of getting back together is only adding to your pain and preventing you from getting over her. Once you no longer feel so desparate to have her, you really won't care that much whether you remain friends or not. Besides, I'm not so sure that your new girlfriend (yes, you will fall "in love" again) will be all that happy to have you hanging with your ex. So, bite the bullet now and put some distance between the two of you. You will be amazed at how good you start to feel and how much control you will start to have. Just start doing the things that you used to enjoy and everything else will work itself out. Good luck.
  9. Kamera RAWr macrumors 65816

    Kamera RAWr

    May 15, 2007
    I'm where I need to be
    I can really relate with this. Personally I've also never been able to be friends with a girl that decides to "just be friends" after there has been more.

    Oddly, its its often that these girls have come back to me wanting to get back together :confused:
  10. Turboedtwo macrumors newbie

    Oct 10, 2007
    San Diego, CA
    I would cut all contact as well. You don't really need to log online and see her sitting there with some away message saying something like "Out with the girls!" As for what else to do? Just hang out with your friends and do whatever you can to keep your mind busy. There's no way to do it 100%, but the more often you keep busy the less crazy you'll get.
  11. mcarnes macrumors 68000


    Mar 14, 2004
    USA! USA!
    Sometimes, a man just has to move on.

  12. Metatron thread starter macrumors 6502


    Jul 2, 2002
    Thanks for all the replies. I knew most of you would say to move on. The truth is, I don't think she knows who she is. She is trying to find herself and what she wants. That is the way I look at it. I came to this conclusion after one, knowing her so well, and two, talking to one of her oldest friends. Even she doesn't understand what my ex is doing these days.

    I just hope she wakes up, realizes who she is, and comes back home. Until then (big if), I have no choice but to try to move on, even though it is really painful right now.

    Everything has lost its luster...that is the real hell.
  13. kainjow Moderator emeritus


    Jun 15, 2000
    I just find it hard for anyone, at age 21, to know with absolute certainty that they want to spend the rest of their life with someone else. How are you sure you want to be with her for the rest of your life?

    There is a reason divorces are so common.
  14. arkitect macrumors 603


    Sep 5, 2005
    Bath, United Kingdom
    It is a horrible situation and you have all my sympathy…

    However, do not try and think for her or assume that you know what is best for her. You don't. And it will only make you unhappy.

    Move on.
    The future lies ahead and it is filled with great relationships and friends…
  15. ejb190 macrumors 65816


    You know, three years might not seem like that much of an age gap, but with some couples, that can be a huge thing to overcome, even after dating that long. This might be some of it. It might not.

    As you get older, it becomes less and less of an issue. My wife and I are three years apart, but we didn't meet until I was 28 and we got married when I was 32. If we had met at 16 and 19, we would have been on two totally different planets!!!

    I agree with everyone else. Life is a journey. As much as you don't want to let go of some people, they will always pass in and out of your life.
  16. letsgorangers macrumors 6502

    Jul 10, 2006
    My advice is stay busy. Exercise. When I feel out of sorts and down, I run. I run or I go to the gym because when I do those things, I don't think about anything else.

    Whatever you do, don't listen to sad, sappy music. It won't make you feel any better.

    Sadness is intoxicating. It is okay to be sad, but don't let yourself get sucked into a perpetuating cycle. It can be very hard to get out of. When you feel yourself losing ground, go run until you can't take it anymore. You'll realize the ground is always beneath your feet.

    You control your future. Don't let one event dictate how you live your life.

    oh yeah ps-here's what you SHOULD listen to:

    When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
    speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
    And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
    speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

    Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
    Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

    And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
    there will be an answer, let it be.
    For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
    there will be an answer. let it be.

    Let it be, let it be, .....

    And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
    shine until tomorrow, let it be.

    I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
    there will be no sorrow, let it be.

    Let it be, let it be, .....
  17. Naimfan macrumors 601


    Jan 15, 2003
    So paradoxical and yet so true.
  18. Dagless macrumors Core


    Jan 18, 2005
    Fighting to stay in the EU
    I suppose it depends on the person, but I've been with Caroline now for 5 years and we're planning on getting married. We're both 21 too. People have always told us we'll split up during college, then whilst we're at different universities. Sometimes it works.

    To the OP - I say just leave her alone completely.
  19. leekohler macrumors G5


    Dec 22, 2004
    Chicago, Illinois
    Yes- let this go. It's definitely over.
  20. ucfgrad93 macrumors P6


    Aug 17, 2007
    Excellent advice. Sorry for your pain, bro.
  21. iSaint macrumors 603


    May 26, 2004
    South Mississippi y'all, near the water!
    I've seen 'em come back together in a year, get married, and live happy ever after.

    I've seen 'em break apart never to be seen together again.


    Time heals...just keep yourself busy. :eek:
  22. mooncaine macrumors regular

    Dec 19, 2004
    I've been there -- on both sides -- and I also say this is the best advice. It's sad, but it happens, and all you can do is take a deep breath, remember to cherish the good times rather than focus on the bad, and move on. Take your time. There will be others, but don't rush out to fill that void with another person.
  23. jaydub macrumors 6502a


    Jan 12, 2006
    This is pretty much the best answer. My ex-wife and I met in high school, got married @ 21 years of age, and we divorced in February after 8 years of marriage. People change, and she pretty much decided she no longer wanted to be in a relationship. There's not much one can do to persuade someone to stay in it, and doing so might just lead to resentment anyway...

    It's never fun, but sometimes the best you can do is move on. Sometimes we think life has dealt us a crappy hand, but then something else comes along that makes it seem insignificant. Good luck. :)
  24. Xanis macrumors member

    Oct 18, 2007
    Don't do anything to try and get her back. As terrible as this sounds, you'll just mess things up more. It sounds like she's made up her mind, so I don't see much coming of trying to win her back. I feel your pain, but you'll get through it. Hang in there.
  25. user13 macrumors regular


    Dec 22, 2006
    I feel something similar.
    I didn't HAVE this relationship, it HAD me....
    It was time to do something. So the university years came to an end and it all was a blind dead end. And it was very painful (I'm amazed looking at myself back then - how sensitive all these things made me that days). I knew that I will not see her every day from now and on and the time to move on also came that moment.
    So I cut up everything - deleted ICQ number, mail adress, cell number, phone number. And it was amazing how easy it was to turn back to all...
    It all erased with time and I'm well, starting a new life - not a life anew:)

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