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Should I gently start getting rid of this guy?

L

LAO

macrumors newbie
Original poster
Nov 11, 2006
9
0
North America
History:
Started seeing this guy for most of year, heavy dating for past 6 months.

What he's like:
Intelligent, attentive - mostly, type AAA, smart-ass - but like that ;) - caring, mostly considerate, lovable.

Things that make me wonder :confused:
Type AAA, self-centered, did nothing for valentine's day, forgot birthday (July) when I thought would never forget (did little to make up for it)...but most relevantly, seems to leave me hanging out to dry in little ways that has me questioning what would happen about big things.

Any thoughts?
 
IMO it's the small things that make the biggest impact.. and if he's annoying you with those, then you need to talk to him and make him understand.

If it still continues, it's time to move on...

this, of course, is just my opinion
 
He isn't going to change, trust me. Time to move on unless you can accept being 2nd or third all the time. sounds like some people I know (or used to).
 
dalvin200 said:
IMO it's the small things that make the biggest impact.. and if he's annoying you with those, then you need to talk to him and make him understand.
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Right. But I believe some things should be in a category of "normal decent behavior" Guess it seems hard to talk about why the guy is doing SOME things!

Blue Velvet said:
What do your friends think of him?
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They don't know him that well, but what they do know of him they think he's nice enough. :rolleyes:
 
Well, seeing as he is ignoring you constantly and forgetting to do things for you on holidays, I'd at least talk to him a bit about it. If he doesn't change, leave him.

But I'm a 13 year old boy so don't take my advice.
 
I think forgetting a birthday (especially the first one you have together) is pretty bad (unless you'd made it clear you hate birthdays, which doesn't seem to be the case). If it does happen (and I know these things do) I would expect him to have done something nice to make it up, in the same way I would have done if I'd forgotten someone's birthday (as you say, it's decent behaviour).

The fact that you see these sorts of things as important and he still didn't do them makes me think he isn't being so great. Never mind what he thinks about these things being important, it's part of being in a relationship to make the effort for things you know are important to your partner.

I'm inclined towards saying finish it, just because it's so easy to sasy "Oh, it doesn't really matter" to yourself, and find yourself deeper and deeper into something that really isn't fair on you. I know that's easier said than done though.
 
Put your feelings in a letter. Or perhaps a post card.

"Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
P.S. I am gay."

Or maybe stay with him for another year and act all crabby and passive aggressive, turn into your mother and drink a lot.

Works for me, every time.
 
I would just dump his ass.

He's certainly old enough to know how to date, right? If he's over 20 years of age, then forget it. Find someone else. He should have enough common sense to make up for his birthday mistake. It's normal social behaviour to do so and express a great deal of sorrow for a mistake like that.

If you're both around 15 or something, then I guess it's a bit different, although I say dump him anyway.
 
What was your first impression of this guy? Judging by first impressions are underrated...
 
Allotriophagy said:
Put your feelings in a letter. Or perhaps a post card.

"Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
P.S. I am gay."

Or maybe stay with him for another year and act all crabby and passive aggressive, turn into your mother and drink a lot.

Works for me, every time.
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Thanks for the laugh. :D

OP: If your response to your friends thinking he's nice is to roll your eyes, I think you should ease away gently. Before he does it to you.
 
Patmian212 said:
I totally agree, treat him like he treats you and see if he gets the hint.
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Fire with fire sometimes gives a bit more than a hint. You dont want the wrong results, or do you? first figure out where you stand, and were YOU really want to go with it. Why fight for something you dont really want(need), if you end up feeling like you want to go somewhere. Try to figure out the reason for his actions. He might be holding back not wanting to get hurt, he may have his own problems (with or without you). The fact is, an eye for an eye is not applicable here unless you are ready for things to take a turn for the worst. Trust me i've been there.
 
LAO said:
History:
Started seeing this guy for most of year, heavy dating for past 6 months.

What he's like:
Intelligent, attentive - mostly, type AAA, smart-ass - but like that ;) - caring, mostly considerate, lovable.

Things that make me wonder :confused:
Type AAA, self-centered, did nothing for valentine's day, forgot birthday (July) when I thought would never forget (did little to make up for it)...but most relevantly, seems to leave me hanging out to dry in little ways that has me questioning what would happen about big things.

Any thoughts?
Click to expand...
Just some comments for you to ponder:

Having dated for a long time before getting married, I discovered there are people who focus and make a big event on certain dates/events and others who don't. Some of it is cultural. Some of it is personal. Just because someone doesn't do anything on a particular day does not mean that they don't care. Try not to equate the two.

Take birthdays for example. If the person "forgets" yours (or more than likely doesn't celebrate them) you can easily see the same when their birthday comes around. Do nothing and you'll find out.

Heck, a long time ago, I dated a lady who decorated her place, made a cake, invited close friends, and many other things for my birthday. While it was nice, I did not enjoy myself at all. It was way too much for me. I prefer a simple quiet birthday. No gifts needed or wanted. And if we decide to do something special such as dinner the event can be on the weekend instead of on the actual date.

Now please don't take this as condoning his actions. He sounds like he is a bit self centered and that is bad for any relationship. Then again, I've dated women who after I spent a weekend with them I needed a vacation because they required so much attention when I was with them. Sure glad that I didn't end up with one of them as my life would be hell on Earth.

Someone once told me these wise words about marriage.

Men get married expecting women not to change...and they do.

Women get married expecting to change their man...and they can't.

As they say love is blind but marriage is a real eye opener! ;)

Basically, in a nutshell, you have to accept the other person as they are. And if you can't, then they are probably not the right one for you.

Now I realize that you are just dating at this time, but usually most people date with the possible future of getting married to the person. If this is the case, then my comments above may help you out.

If you are just dating to have fun, then if you are not having fun, exit the relationship. There are so many other guys out there why waste time with one that you don't enjoy.

Hope this helps a bit.
 
Mammoth said:
Well, seeing as he is ignoring you constantly and forgetting to do things for you on holidays, I'd at least talk to him a bit about it. If he doesn't change, leave him.

But I'm a 13 year old boy so don't take my advice.
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13 year old wisdom is definately 'core' wisdom. I think it's great and truthfilled. Thank you!

Lau said:
because it's so easy to sasy "Oh, it doesn't really matter" to yourself, and find yourself deeper and deeper into something that really isn't fair on you. I know that's easier said than done though.
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Right. That is the heart of it - I do end up putting myself in that position, as he is remarkably fantastic for the most part!
 
Abstract said:
I would just dump his ass.

He's certainly old enough to know how to date, right? If he's over 20 years of age, then forget it. Find someone else. He should have enough common sense to make up for his birthday mistake. It's normal social behaviour to do so and express a great deal of sorrow for a mistake like that.

If you're both around 15 or something, then I guess it's a bit different, although I say dump him anyway.
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Laughing my ass off with a glass of wine in hand! Advice as such is always appeciated! ;)
 
n-abounds said:
What was your first impression of this guy? Judging by first impressions are underrated...
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Ha! Thought he was anal and a bit of an ass...yet somehow he either no longer has those qualities (has changed?) or I've grown to appreciate what I thought I disliked! :eek: Unbelievable :)
 
Billions of fish in the sea and you got a guy who does nothing for you on your birthday or even valentines day? You know what to do. Why even be gentile? A relationship is about each other. If its one sided you have nothing. Also be patient Mr right will come along one day. Now please dont tell me you are gay. It will ruin all these pictures in my head of young love.;)
 
sushi said:
Heck, a long time ago, I dated a lady who decorated her place, made a cake, invited close friends, and many other things for my birthday. While it was nice, I did not enjoy myself at all. It was way too much for me. I prefer a simple quiet birthday. No gifts needed or wanted. And if we decide to do something special such as dinner the event can be on the weekend instead of on the actual date.
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I'm certainly not having a go, sushi, because I think you make some good points, but I think that the thing here is what the person wants. If the partner forces a celebration on them when they don't like that for their birthdays, that's not really wanting them to enjoy themselves on their birthday. With LAO, he/she does want some sort of recognition of his/her birthday, so I think the partner should respect that. If he doesn't like birthdays for himself fine, but if his partner does, he should try and make it a good day for him/her.

I'm not saying you have to pander to every whim, but in the first few months you've been together, I think it's telling he hasn't made an effort about lots of things big and small that are important to you.

LAO said:
Right. That is the heart of it - I do end up putting myself in that position, as he is remarkably fantastic for the most part!
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It's certainly tough when he's great for some things. He probably won't change radically, so I think it's a case of deciding whether you're happy to put up with things like forgetting birthdays and the day to day little exclusions if it means you're happy with the times he is good to you.
 
LAO said:
Ha! Thought he was anal and a bit of an ass...yet somehow he either no longer has those qualities (has changed?) or I've grown to appreciate what I thought I disliked! :eek: Unbelievable :)
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Damn!!!!!!! reading this stuff, i started to think about what my girlfriend must have thought about me before we got together, i admit, i was sufficiently concieted. Then i started thinking about what i use to think about her before we hooked up........... suddenly i wished I didn't think at all.

Relationships are really getting to know people more........
 
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