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Should I gently start getting rid of this guy?
- Thread starter LAO
- Start date
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Well said! I'm going to write that one down.
But it's a necessary part of any relationship.
I agree with Lau and 13 year old Mammoth
(there's an Ice Age picture in my head right now...)
Sad to say I've never seen that movie.
Tell us how it goes, hm?
Thanks mac -convert. It's necessity is what kills most relationships. Guess it's still impossible to get to "c" without going through "b" first.
I have dated several guys like your bf, and the thing is that basically you care about them a lot more than they care about you. They might view you as a commodity, and they generally do just enough for you to keep you hanging on (which occasionally includes some great things), but not more than they have to.
These guys take you for granted... and just don't really love you, or know how to truly care about someone.
I know this guy is great in many other ways, and I know it'll be hard to get away from him, but I still think it would probably be better for you. Even if your next boyfriend wasn't quite as smart and hot and cool... in the end what will make you most happy is to find someone who cares about you, and who wants to make you happy, and not just himself.
Just my 2c.
These guys take you for granted... and just don't really love you, or know how to truly care about someone.
I know this guy is great in many other ways, and I know it'll be hard to get away from him, but I still think it would probably be better for you. Even if your next boyfriend wasn't quite as smart and hot and cool... in the end what will make you most happy is to find someone who cares about you, and who wants to make you happy, and not just himself.
Just my 2c.
PS -- a good indicator is always whether he publicly acknowledges you as his girlfriend. Has he introduced you to his friends, his family? Does he bring you along to fun activities with his friends or family members? Does he introduce you as his girlfriend? Does he tell his friends about you?
Those would be good signs that he's serious about you and views you as an important part of his life, a part he is proud of. If he doesn't make you part of his life, then it's more likely he's basically using you for company and free sex, without true love or serious intentions.
Those would be good signs that he's serious about you and views you as an important part of his life, a part he is proud of. If he doesn't make you part of his life, then it's more likely he's basically using you for company and free sex, without true love or serious intentions.
Thanks for touching on 'the very thing I'm afraid of'!
In some ways I know you are right...but I hope you are wrong.
History:
Started seeing this guy for most of year, heavy dating for past 6 months.
What he's like:
Intelligent, attentive - mostly, type AAA, smart-ass - but like that
Things that make me wonder
Type AAA, self-centered, did nothing for valentine's day, forgot birthday (July) when I thought would never forget (did little to make up for it)...but most relevantly, seems to leave me hanging out to dry in little ways that has me questioning what would happen about big things.
Any thoughts?
What's heavy dating???
Umm sounds like you like guys that are mean or don't care too much about you. In your case the AAA stands for douche bag. You say he's caring and in the next sentences state how uncaring or even attentive he has been. You like him because you thinkyou need someone. Dump him and get over it. If its meant to be you guys will work it out and it'll happen...don't force anything.
He's ginger?
Copper top! Dump him! Seriously, though, he won't change however much you talk to him and you get to know each other because (presumably) it's part of his personality. If being showered with birthday gifts is something your personality desires then I'd advise you to move on. A shared bank account with my wife - plus not having much in it - makes gifts between us pretty pointless. The scenario would be, "Here, I've bought you a present". "Why? The car needs servicing this month!".
...Yeah, so definitely dump him while you're still single...Thanks for touching on 'the very thing I'm afraid of'!
In some ways I know you are right...but I hope you are wrong.
listen, these people are surposing and making it sound like they know everything, in this situation even if you dont know everything you know alot more than them. Your situation is not their's, every case is different. As i said(and you dont HAVE to listen to me) , you have to know what you want from this..... trust me ruining decisions on advice from others feels far worst than messing it up yourself.
Never take anything for Bible(unless you too young to know better). And as i say to my GF all the time "Babes More US than them". You catch my drift?
Well, me, I'm Male, Type A, and date impaired. If I don't have an appointment or a birthday or Mothers day or something written down, it just does not exist for me.
Subtle hints about what my partner would want also are likely not to register.
"Barbara showed me her new earrings yesterday"
to me means
"Barbara showed me her new earrings yesterday"
and possibly
"Barbara came over for coffee".
It would never occur to me to understand that as:
"Its my birthday in five weeks, and if you really cared for me, you would buy me some earrings for my birthday, and remember that four months ago I mentioned that the topaz earrings on Julia Roberts in that movie were cute."
If you want something from me, you have to hit me with a hammer.
Then I'm all over it. But not until it reaches my radar screen.
My partner is the most important thing in the world to me and I am incredibly attentive and sensitive. Except when I'm programming, 'coz then the code is the most important thing in the world to me (and an interruption to ask, for example, whether I like this top with that skirt, prolly won't get a resonable response).... but then except when I am doing woodwork, because then THAT is the most important thing in the world... etc.
I exaggerate. But as has been said, communication is paramount. As soon as I start saying to myself "But my partner Should have Known how I feel about that...!" or "I Shouldn't have to Explain these things!" -- then communication has failed. We are not mind readers. Even the most perfect lover is not a mind reader. If I don't ask for what I want, then chances are, I will not get it. If I assume that my partner has the same communication style, interpretation of events, and priorities as I do, chances are, I will not get what I want.
Subtle hints about what my partner would want also are likely not to register.
"Barbara showed me her new earrings yesterday"
to me means
"Barbara showed me her new earrings yesterday"
and possibly
"Barbara came over for coffee".
It would never occur to me to understand that as:
"Its my birthday in five weeks, and if you really cared for me, you would buy me some earrings for my birthday, and remember that four months ago I mentioned that the topaz earrings on Julia Roberts in that movie were cute."
If you want something from me, you have to hit me with a hammer.
Then I'm all over it. But not until it reaches my radar screen.
My partner is the most important thing in the world to me and I am incredibly attentive and sensitive. Except when I'm programming, 'coz then the code is the most important thing in the world to me (and an interruption to ask, for example, whether I like this top with that skirt, prolly won't get a resonable response).... but then except when I am doing woodwork, because then THAT is the most important thing in the world... etc.
I exaggerate. But as has been said, communication is paramount. As soon as I start saying to myself "But my partner Should have Known how I feel about that...!" or "I Shouldn't have to Explain these things!" -- then communication has failed. We are not mind readers. Even the most perfect lover is not a mind reader. If I don't ask for what I want, then chances are, I will not get it. If I assume that my partner has the same communication style, interpretation of events, and priorities as I do, chances are, I will not get what I want.
Yep, life is but a journey to be explored. Everyone's journey is their own to behold and hopefully have some control over. No one knows what tomorrow will bring.
Those of us who reply to these threads can only base our advice upon what the OP has stated, which is from their perspective. As we all know, there are two sides to every story. Usually the truth lies somewhere in between. Unfortunately, we don't get to hear the other side so we must guess or speculate based upon the OPs comments.
In the end, it will be the OPs decision. They can listen and evaluate our comments and take away what they find as useful for their situation. But when the day is done, it is the OPs decision to make and live with.
If he isn't responding with you I find the best thing to do is act to them like they act to you. Not in a "haha" vengeful kind of way, but in a "this is how it feels" way.
I had a little public rant/thing about my girlfriend recently. We've since made up but I do owe part of the solution down to showing them first hand how they've made you feel.
I had a little public rant/thing about my girlfriend recently. We've since made up but I do owe part of the solution down to showing them first hand how they've made you feel.
Dump his **** up arse......You can do better, you don't need anyone giving you the cold shoulder.
Bless
Bless
thanks for posting this .. you summed up my opinion quite exactly
that aside men are notoriously bad at remembering birthdays:
short example: yesterday a friend had his birthday (which i completely had forgotten btw
) and another friend got a phone call from his _former_ girlfriend reminding him of our friend's birthdaythe kicker was: exactly the same happened the year before
men don't really keep calenders with birthdays .. they write them down on small papers thinking "i gotta remember that" and lose them
AAA's die young, are forever riddled with ulcers, and care more about themselves than any significant other. If you always want to be second fiddle and just get together for sex and dinner, keep him. But you didn't need me to say that... you already know it.
No, there are some sign of a flake that are universal. Not making any gestures of recognition on important occasions, and general - though perhaps in small ways - neglect are signs of a self-centred, probably egotistic personality.
Not the sort of person that makes a good friend, and especially not a good boyfriend or husband. Probably best to dump him now before it goes any further - you can do better than that.
Your six steps to happiness...
Step 1. Go out and buy He's Not That Into You, a large box of kleenex, and a pint of your favorite ice cream.
Step 2. Read He's Not That Into You.
Step 3. Have a nice long cry.
Step 4. Eat entire pint of ice cream from the carton (this way it has no calories).
Step 5. Call up Mr. AAA and tell him "mostly caring" and "mostly considerate" doesn't cut it, and if an immediate change of behavior is not detected dump his sorry ass.
Step 6. Hang up, and give a barbaric yawp of courage and strength.
On a more serious note, given the information that you've provided, this guy doesn't sound like he's worth your valuable time and emotional investment. A guy that really cares about you is capable of getting his act together for Valentine's Day, type AAA or not. Your needs are obviously not being met, and if he is too self-focused to notice and/or care, then it's time to say goodbye. Does it hurt to admit that the man you've invested so much in doesn't really care about you? Like h*ll. I've been where you are, believe me. But in the end, you'll feel much better b/c you stood up for yourself and ended it, rather than letting things drag on and eventually getting dumped by this loser (which is what I predict will happen). You deserve better.
-bastetbabe27
Step 1. Go out and buy He's Not That Into You, a large box of kleenex, and a pint of your favorite ice cream.
Step 2. Read He's Not That Into You.
Step 3. Have a nice long cry.
Step 4. Eat entire pint of ice cream from the carton (this way it has no calories).
Step 5. Call up Mr. AAA and tell him "mostly caring" and "mostly considerate" doesn't cut it, and if an immediate change of behavior is not detected dump his sorry ass.
Step 6. Hang up, and give a barbaric yawp of courage and strength.
On a more serious note, given the information that you've provided, this guy doesn't sound like he's worth your valuable time and emotional investment. A guy that really cares about you is capable of getting his act together for Valentine's Day, type AAA or not. Your needs are obviously not being met, and if he is too self-focused to notice and/or care, then it's time to say goodbye. Does it hurt to admit that the man you've invested so much in doesn't really care about you? Like h*ll. I've been where you are, believe me. But in the end, you'll feel much better b/c you stood up for yourself and ended it, rather than letting things drag on and eventually getting dumped by this loser (which is what I predict will happen). You deserve better.
-bastetbabe27
Heh! I've been eating ice the wrong way ever since birth! Who knew you could it from the carton directly, and avoid those darned calories I so carefully watch. Thanks for that.
