Spyware for kids

[Mac'nCheese]

My wife and I want to start tracking our kid's iphone use. All of it. We want to see what websites they are going to, read their texts, etc etc. Any suggestions for us? TY

 

[Scepticalscribe]

My wife and I want to start tracking our kid's iphone use. All of it. We want to see what websites they are going to, read their texts, etc etc. Any suggestions for us? TY

While I see that the world has changed since I was a kid, and parents have concerns that didn't apply in those days re social media, the comprehensive nature of what you seek to do in your post unsettles me somewhat.

What age are the kids? Kids, early teens, mid teens?

At what stage do you think to teach them about personal space, privacy, and boundaries, and enforcing boundaries? Where do they have the right to say "no", if at all?

At what age do you think they have a right to their own media without oversight and supervision?

When do you expect to be able to teach them to 'separate' from you, which is part of the psychological function of the whole experience of adolescence?

Certainly, (and yes, it was a while ago, with different threats and different advantages), when I was a teenager, any letters that ever arrived for me were left on my plate, sealed, until I returned home from school and opened them.

 

[Mac'nCheese]

While I see that the world has changed since I was a kid, and parents have concerns that didn't apply in those days re social media, the comprehensive nature of what you seek to do in your post unsettles me somewhat.

What age are the kids? Kids, early teens, mid teens?

At what stage do you think to teach them about personal space, privacy, and boundaries, and enforcing boundaries? Where do they have the right to say "no", if at all?

At what age do you think they have a right to their own media without oversight and supervision?

When do you expect to be able to teach them to 'separate' from you, which is part of the psychological function of the whole experience of adolescence?

Certainly, (and yes, it was a while ago, with different threats and different advantages), when I was a teenager, any letters that ever arrived for me were left on my plate, sealed, until I returned home from school and opened them.

My son is 10 and my daughter is 14. They are very independent and we give them a lot of freedom. We’ve heard too much about over the top bullying and other disturbing things kids do with messages. They know we have their passcodes and know we check their phones every now and then. They will also know that the spyware is being used.

 

[chabig]

They are very independent and we give them a lot of freedom.

This right here contradicts your stated desire to track their every online movement. It's like a zookeeper bragging about how much freedom the monkeys have.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

My son is 10 and my daughter is 14. They are very independent and we give them a lot of freedom. We’ve heard too much about over the top bullying and other disturbing things kids do with messages. They know we have their passcodes and know we check their phones every now and then. They will also know that the spyware is being used.

I do understand the concerns about bullying - which has acquired a truly vicious element of pure nastiness when the whole question of social media is factored in, especially at second level.

However, to my mind, a 14 year off girl also needs to be encouraged to have boundaries and to police them and have them respected; I'm not sure that it is a good idea to socialise her into conceding that those who say they love her ought to have untrammelled access to her social media.

That opens the way to the sort of relationships I have seen in countries where I have worked; namely, situations where attitudes to gender and what it is considered appropriate to demand, weak boundaries, and possessiveness combine to ensure that young males think it their right to demand access to their girlfriend's social media accounts and this is considered wholly acceptable.

Somewhere along the line, she will have to learn about - or be taught about - boundaries; if she hasn't had practice with her parents - who can be watchful but not controlling - it can be hard to set them with pushy partners.

It is not my business, but you have asked on this forum for advice, and thus, I shall tender it: As someone who worked in education for two decades (at third level), I think that to ask for access to "all of it" for a 14 year old is a little much.

Rather than saying "all of it", I would argue that this is a very good time to negotiate access and engage in compromise; this is the time to teach your daughter about boundaries (both yours and hers), about rights, but also about responsibilities (and that includes hers); and about negotiation - give and take - and compromise. If she is to be trusted, she also needs to be responsible with and for that trust.

 

[Mac'nCheese]

I do understand the concerns about bullying - which has acquired a truly vicious element of pure nastiness when the whole question of social media is factored in, especially at second level.

However, to my mind, a 14 year off girl also needs to be encouraged to have boundaries and to police them and have them respected; I'm not sure that it is a good idea to socialise her into conceding that those who say they love her ought to have untrammelled access to her social media.

That opens the way to the sort of relationships I have seen in countries where I have worked; namely, situations where attitudes to gender and what it is considered appropriate to demand, weak boundaries, and possessiveness combine to ensure that young males think it their right to demand access to their girlfriend's social media accounts and this is considered wholly acceptable.

Somewhere along the line, she will have to learn about - or be taught about - boundaries; if she hasn't had practice with her parents - who can be watchful but not controlling - it can be god to set them with pushy partners.

It is not my business, but you have asked on this forum for advice, and so, I shall tender it: As someone who worked in education for two decades (at third level), I think that to ask for access to "all of it" for a 14 year old is a little much.

Rather than saying "all of it", I would argue that this is a very good time to negotiate access and engage in compromise; this is the time to teach your daughter about boundaries (both yours and hers), about rights, but also about responsibilities (and that includes hers); and about negotiation - give and take - and compromise. If she is to be trusted, she also needs to be responsible with and for that trust.

That is very good advice and I will discuss your points with my wife, also a teacher for a two decades now.


My son is a different story. One of his friends texted him "come to town with me or I will rape you tonight". My son responded with some smiley faces. We sat him down and asked him if he knew what rape meant. He didn't and neither did his friend. They heard some older kids saying it in the same "jokey" threatening way so he used it. We explained that it was very, very bad and when he is older, we will give him even more details than we did.
My main problem with that is what if some other kid at school reported them for the texts. With today's zero policies, my son could have gotten in trouble for just sending back an emoji to show he knew his friend was making a "joke" but didn't even know what the joke was. Its stuff like that, that I want to get to before something worse happens.