The "What do you do for work" question that always comes up

[dukebound85]

Many here are probably asked this within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone.

I have started to really have disdain for this question as I am realizing it to be more and more a barometer to determine what level of respect someone should give you.

What are your thoughts on this question? How do you answer it?

 

[0128672]

"As little as possible ... I'm much more interested in talking about time away from work. Oops, sorry I have to take this call."

 

[smirking]

When I was younger, I also had a disdain for this question as it seemed to produce very lame unimaginative conversations. It was the stuff of small talk. If you weren't into the weather, let's fill some time talking employment.

Now? I don't mind at all being asked that question because what I do for work is pretty interesting and who I am is hard to separate from what I do for a living.

I don't really find that people are sizing you up when they ask you that question. I just think that they're a pretty boring conversationalist which is poisonous to me because I'm a pretty bad small talker too so nothing good comes when both of us have an impediment to acing the Turing test.

If I think someone might have an interesting job, I definitely will ask, but I'll quickly move on to something else if they respond in a way that indicates to me that they're saying "it's just a job, man."

 

[panjandrum]

Many here are probably asked this within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone.

I have started to really have disdain for this question as I am realizing it to be more and more a barometer to determine what level of respect someone should give you.

What are your thoughts on this question? How do you answer it?

Except I've found that it's usually worse. Usually it's just "What do you do?" With the "for work" being assumed. I have occasionally answered this question as obtusely as possible; by going into passions and hobbies rather than anything work related. I've found that absolutely drives people nuts. It depends on if I like the person in question or not, and if I can sense that what they what they are digging for is how to value my worth as a human by guessing how much money I make. I try to reserve it for people who I'm getting a sense are d***heads who equate the value of a human life with as somehow being related to their income.

 

[diggy33]

I try and make up some outlandish work idea, or something insane that would be hard to believe. I think the best one is when I told someone I hadnt seen since high school that all I do now is hookers and cocaine since hitting the lottery.

 

[0128672]

I try and make up some outlandish work idea, or something insane that would be hard to believe. I think the best one is when I told someone I hadnt seen since high school that all I do now is hookers and cocaine since hitting the lottery.

It's a good sense of humor test, I suppose, if they believe you. The problem is when you do have an unusual job and they don't believe you. Early in my work life I wrote obituaries on the weekends for a large newspaper, and no one outside my small circle of friends believed me.

 

[Apple_Robert]

Many here are probably asked this within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone.

I have started to really have disdain for this question as I am realizing it to be more and more a barometer to determine what level of respect someone should give you.

What are your thoughts on this question? How do you answer it?

I agree. I think a lot of times people do use that question as a gauge for deciding about respect or whether or not to engage in any further conversation or social interaction.

I dislike it when someone asks me the question right away. It feels very awkward and out of context to me. It happens a lot in the dating scene.

I often tell the ladies I am a professional procrastinator. Some laugh and some look at me like I am speaking another language.

 

[smirking]

I agree. I think a lot of times people do use that question as a gauge for deciding about respect or whether or not to engage in any further conversation or social interaction.

This thread is making me realize that either I've led a very fortunate life in which I haven't met a lot of snobby snobbos or I have a massively inflated sense of self worth that's insulating me from understanding that I'm being judged negatively.

 

[casperes1996]

so nothing good comes when both of us have an impediment to acing the Turing test.

I laughed quite a bit at this; Cheers

Except I've found that it's usually worse. Usually it's just "What do you do?" With the "for work" being assumed. I have occasionally answered this question as obtusely as possible; by going into passions and hobbies rather than anything work related. I've found that absolutely drives people nuts. It depends on if I like the person in question or not, and if I can sense that what they what they are digging for is how to value my worth as a human by guessing how much money I make. I try to reserve it for people who I'm getting a sense are d***heads who equate the value of a human life with as somehow being related to their income.

I use the "What do you do" line, for the explicit reason that it allows the other party to answer in their preferred way. For one thing they may not have work - may study or just currently be unemployed, and can use it as a way to talk about something they care about. If that's work, great. If it's a study, great. If it's rugby; We won't have much to talk about but I'll listen to ya! haha

In general I think "What do you do for a living" is a perfectly fine thing to ask someone. I don't necessarily think it has anything to do with "evaluating you", it's just showing an interest in you. Like it or not, we spend a substantial amount of our lives and time at work, so if someone wants to get to properly know you, work is a pretty big part of that. As is why you got into the field and your thoughts on it. Whether you're a doctor or a factory worker is irrelevant, if someone wants to get to know you properly it plays a part in who you are, right?

 

[casperes1996]

This thread is making me realize that either I've led a very fortunate life in which I haven't met a lot of snobby snobbos or I have a massively inflated sense of self worth that's insulating me from understanding that I'm being judged negatively.

Ha, same

 

[Apple_Robert]

This thread is making me realize that either I've led a very fortunate life in which I haven't met a lot of snobby snobbos or I have a massively inflated sense of self worth that's insulating me from understanding that I'm being judged negatively.

When someone judges me instantly (whether it is about a job or anything else) without really knowing anything about me as an individual, it is very frustrating and even more so when a lady does it. Too often people feel some inner compulsion to put others through some mystical, subjective inner checklist (job, food likes, colors like, movies, hobbies etc.) during the first few moments of interaction and to me, that is rather shallow behavior. I don't mind discussing such topics as long as I perceive the questions to come from a place of genuine sincerity and interest, and not treating me as a checklist or some test to be taken before the next text subject arrives.

Case in point: Not too long ago, several of the single female bank tellers started asking me checklist type questions. I answered a few of them with positive affirmation which appeared to get them eager to know more about the answers I gave. Their probing went on for several days and I finally asked one of them, am I being asked these questions because someone is curious and interested in me as a person, or am I being asked these questions because you all are bored? The answer given was the latter and with that, I didn't bother sharing anything more about myself. I think they felt embarrassed that they were caught. And I should note that this incident started after the ladies had been discussing and perusing a dating app.

Here is my thought: My job, hobbies and other individual things about me do not define me as a person. Those things are a part (some more than others) of who I am. And trying to "size me up" as a whole person in a matter of a few fleeting moments does show respect to me as the interviewed much less the interviewee. Relationships (of different aspects) aren't born to maturity overnight. They all start with the planted seed and over time, grow to various levels of interaction and intimacy. I think a lot of people are scared to be vulnerable (for whatever reason) and they often use checklist type behavior as a means of protecting themselves.

 

[smirking]

I laughed quite a bit at this; Cheers

Then you probably know what I mean.

I use the "What do you do" line, for the explicit reason that it allows the other party to answer in their preferred way.

I can distinctively recall a few times I've asked that and instantly regretted it when you hit one of those people who can't wait to tell you all about their entire storied career like a human blockchain spitting out transactions.

 

[Apple fanboy]

I’m well past worrying what people think about me. Who cares? My self worth isn’t tied up in what people think.
Generally I think most people believe this to be a safe question. There aren’t many of those left. Used to be questions like married? Got any kids? But these days people steer away from those type of questions so as to not cause offence.

 

[casperes1996]

I can distinctively recall a few times I've asked that and instantly regretted it when you hit one of those people who can't wait to tell you all about their entire storied career like a human blockchain spitting out transactions.

The only folks I've met like that start telling me before I ask anything, haha. Well really I've only met one such person honestly.

 

[eyoungren]

I've only felt condescension in that question when amongst a group of people I already believed (or assumed) would be looking down on me anyway. Most of the time in my experience it's been a way to break the ice and get to know a person.

That said, I dread the question for two reasons. The main reason is that I usually have to explain to other people what I do. Everyone knows what a doctor does, a police office, a lawyer, a teacher, etc. But tell someone you're a Graphic Designer (which I am) and the look on their face is blank because they have no concept about what I do. At best, they think it relates to computers. Thankfully, we are well past the 1990s because trying to explain amberlith, mechanicals, typesetting and god-knows what else would be really onerous.

As it is, I have to actually explain what I do before most people get it. Problem is that I did what I do for 19 years in newspapers, so it wasn't your typical graphic designer job of logos, stationary and business cards. Now I work for a company that designs yardage books and scorecards for golf courses. The response then becomes either "That's a thing?" or "oh, yeah, I guess they'd actually need someone to design those things." Because you know, that stuff is just there, no one thinks about how it got there.

The other reason I dread the question is because once you start the drudgery of explaining a lot of people check out. It's not interesting at all to them and they really just asked the question to be polite. Getting into it wasn't exactly the conversation they wanted to have.

But yeah, it's what I do and it's what has put food on the table and paid the bills for 22 years now.

 

[Regbial]

Many here are probably asked this within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone.

I have started to really have disdain for this question as I am realizing it to be more and more a barometer to determine what level of respect someone should give you.

What are your thoughts on this question? How do you answer it?

Ahh yes, sometimes it's innocuous, just to make small talk... sometimes it carries that other intention.. for the people raised in the meritocracy who still foolishly believe it is real..

It is sad. People are more than their jobs... Not every job is fulfilling or meaningful, in fact I'd say most aren't. Luck carries a large role in success or not... In any case, people should remember people have value just for existing and having their own thoughts and feelings and interests, a job wether impressive or not, is a nice bonus if you see value in another having a job or giving them certain knowledge or skills, not much more. But yeah other than that there is little more to most jobs... that's how I see it at least.

Few take great meaning from their jobs (think passionate doctors, artists, vets, social workers, engineers, some business owners, etc..) but that doesn't mean everyone has to or should.

 

[KaliYoni]

Or, even more revealing:

Seriously now, I don't think there is one answer because the types of questions considered "appropriate" when first meeting somebody vary a lot. Context matters. Culture matters. Socio-economic factors matter.

But in the US, especially in professional or academic evaluational contexts, these supposedly small talk questions are often used to gauge how much somebody is similar to the questioner.

For anybody interested in doing a deeper dive into this stuff, here are a few starting points:

Stop Hiring for “Cultural Fit”

When you prioritize candidates you “click with,” you run the risk of discriminating against candidates from different backgrounds. Here’s how to change course.

insight.kellogg.northwestern.edu

Status Anxiety - Alain de Botton

Status Anxiety This is a book about an almost universal anxiety that rarely gets mentioned directly: an anxiety about what others think of us; about whether we’re judged a success or a failure, a winner or a loser. This is a book about status anxiety. We care about our status for a simple...

www.alaindebotton.com

The Chosen: The Hidden History of Admission and Exclusion at Harvard, Yale, and Princeton

The Chosen: The Hidden History of Admission and Exclusion at Harvard, Yale, and Princeton

www.amazon.com

The Big Test: The Secret History of the American Meritocracy

The Big Test: The Secret History of the American Meritocracy

www.amazon.com

Personally, I'm not particularly bothered by "what do you do?" in social situations. If somebody wants to judge me by what I do–or don't do–I'd rather find out up front. I also don't like to reveal personal stuff to people I don't know well or who are manipulative. Having conversations about work also can be an interesting way to get investment ideas or insights into industries/companies/sectors (this is related to the FIRE thread started by OP) to research later.

 

[HDFan]

I have started to really have disdain for this question as I am realizing it to be more and more a barometer to determine what level of respect someone should give you.

Sorta depends upon the crowd you are in. Given that the majority of a working individuals' hours are spent working (and some all of their waking hours) it would leave a big hole in understanding who they are if you didn't ask that question. Where I am there are a lot of people who are doing things which I find interesting. Really enjoyed some conversations with people at Western Digital, drone startup, researcher in cell regeneration after injury, chip developer in stealth mode on van on way back home from the airport. A lot of these folks are so focused on their work that talking with them about anything else can be difficult.

 

[casperes1996]

I've only felt condescension in that question when amongst a group of people I already believed (or assumed) would be looking down on me anyway. Most of the time in my experience it's been a way to break the ice and get to know a person.

That said, I dread the question for two reasons. The main reason is that I usually have to explain to other people what I do. Everyone knows what a doctor does, a police office, a lawyer, a teacher, etc. But tell someone you're a Graphic Designer (which I am) and the look on their face is blank because they have no concept about what I do. At best, they think it relates to computers. Thankfully, we are well past the 1990s because trying to explain amberlith, mechanicals, typesetting and god-knows what else would be really onerous.

As it is, I have to actually explain what I do before most people get it. Problem is that I did what I do for 19 years in newspapers, so it wasn't your typical graphic designer job of logos, stationary and business cards. Now I work for a company that designs yardage books and scorecards for golf courses. The response then becomes either "That's a thing?" or "oh, yeah, I guess they'd actually need someone to design those things." Because you know, that stuff is just there, no one thinks about how it got there.

The other reason I dread the question is because once you start the drudgery of explaining a lot of people check out. It's not interesting at all to them and they really just asked the question to be polite. Getting into it wasn't exactly the conversation they wanted to have.

But yeah, it's what I do and it's what has put food on the table and paid the bills for 22 years now.

Wait wait wait.... You're saying people *don't* think that's interesting? Cause that all sounds ****ing awesome to me. The kind of thing I'd actively seek out TED talks to listen to someone talk about. But I guess I am the kind of nerd who enjoys listening to Matt Parker describe the funky geometric patterns of footballs even though I couldn't give a toss about football, and the kind of nerd who's interested in typesetting, fonts and design in general.

Anyway, if you want to give a talk or make a YouTube series where you explain details about your work, I'd listen, haha

 

[eyoungren]

Wait wait wait.... You're saying people *don't* think that's interesting? Cause that all sounds ****ing awesome to me. The kind of thing I'd actively seek out TED talks to listen to someone talk about. But I guess I am the kind of nerd who enjoys listening to Matt Parker describe the funky geometric patterns of footballs even though I couldn't give a toss about football, and the kind of nerd who's interested in typesetting, fonts and design in general.

Anyway, if you want to give a talk or make a YouTube series where you explain details about your work, I'd listen, haha

Yeah, that's just it. Outside of the people I work with and the internet places I frequent, the average person isn't interested. Mainly that's because what I do doesn't or is unlikely to impact them directly. Perhaps that is one of the reasons I don't really have a social life.

 

[circatee]

I am not overly fond of the question. However, I do handle it accordingly. Often, I find when I explain to someone what my trade is, they have questions related to how to solve X or Y. Then, I start to feel like I am at work, just not getting paid for my trade.

But, that's just me...

 

[DaveFromCampbelltown]

I suppose how one answers depends on the level of respect one might have for the questioner.

One could always answer "A professional pimp, supplying Members of Parliament and senior Clergy".

Amongst other things I have --

• bred giant clams
• been a curator for a country's National History museum
• been a call centre operator for a Department of Education*

* You wouldn't believe some of the questions, like "Is peacock damage to a monitor covered under warranty?". I am still astonished that the question wasn't "Is peacock damage to a student covered under warranty?". If you bring a peacock (rather than a peahen) into a classroom it is going to peck something, or somebody.

 

[Lee_Bo]

My standard answer to that question is "I ride on the back of a garbage truck". That prevents all the "How do I" questions if they find out what I really do.

 

[smirking]

The other reason I dread the question is because once you start the drudgery of explaining a lot of people check out. It's not interesting at all to them and they really just asked the question to be polite. Getting into it wasn't exactly the conversation they wanted to have.

I'm with @casperes1996. I'd be so fascinated by your odd niche that you'll probably fear for your safety because this rando out of nowhere is just a little too interested about you. Something must be wrong.

One of the reasons why I don't ask people what they do for a living is precisely because they might say they're a doctor or a teacher and since I'm terrible at small talk and I know what teachers and doctors do, it's really hard for me to be genuinely enthusiastic about talking to them.

Now, if you say you work at a zipper factory and your job is to stamp YKK on all of the tiny zipper pulls... I will have questions.

 

[usagora]

I remember asking a person this many years ago, and after an awkward look and hesitation, they replied, "I deliver bodies" (they worked for a morgue). Needless to say, the topic of conversation quickly shifted elsewhere.