Today was supposed to be my wedding day...

[Abstract]

Are you still going to date and such? Not getting married now means you aren't ready now. It really shouldn't affect how much she loves you, or how much you love her. If you know she's not the one, then do her a favour and make it a clean break, but if you think you just needed more time and are in love with her, then try to work things out and try to make her understand that it's not because you don't love her.

 

[yoda13]

Just so we are clear, I am not blaming her for being angry or embarrassed. I am embarrassed myself, as I had many friends and family on the way too. If the shoe were on the other foot, man I would be pissed.

I feel horrible about the way things turned out. We have tried to talk about our issues time and time again in the past few weeks. I either was incapable of properly expressing myself to her or she didn't want to hear what I had to say. Her standard response was well, all of this will be fine and work itself out after we get married. I was always bothered with this response because I don't think simply getting married solves any problems that might exist between couples, no matter what...you know? As it approached I had more and more physical reactions to what was going on. I finally decided that I couldn't get married and hope it worked itself out. And for the person that asked, I do love her, and I was violently in love with her, but my guts are so twisted up inside...I don't know what to think.

 

[gekko513]

Her standard response was well, all of this will be fine and work itself out after we get married. I was always bothered with this response because I don't think simply getting married solves any problems that might exist between couples, no matter what...you know?

I think your reasoning is valid.

 

[jsw]

I think your reasoning is valid.

Absolutely. Things rarely "work themselves out" after marriage, and going into one with unresolved issues typically makes it even more difficult - if not impossible - to ever resolve them because you then feel trapped in the situation.

 

[Chip NoVaMac]

Despite my "Gay" postings here, there was one "woman" that I felt in my heart, that she could be the "one". She even knew of of "Gay" past - my ex lover had introduced us!

She and I were "engaged". She and I felt that despite "all odds" we were truly sole mates. To be honest and blunt, money and religion got in the way. Won't bore you all with details.

In hindsight, it was better that we parted the way we did. Maybe the opposite of what you thought would have happened - but years from now you may look upon this as a shining moment as you celebrate 40 years with your future bride.

I hope that you can find hope in the future, and not in the past.

 

[CorvusCamenarum]

Just so we are clear, I am not blaming her for being angry or embarrassed. I am embarrassed myself, as I had many friends and family on the way too. If the shoe were on the other foot, man I would be pissed.

I feel horrible about the way things turned out. We have tried to talk about our issues time and time again in the past few weeks. I either was incapable of properly expressing myself to her or she didn't want to hear what I had to say. Her standard response was well, all of this will be fine and work itself out after we get married. I was always bothered with this response because I don't think simply getting married solves any problems that might exist between couples, no matter what...you know? As it approached I had more and more physical reactions to what was going on. I finally decided that I couldn't get married and hope it worked itself out. And for the person that asked, I do love her, and I was violently in love with her, but my guts are so twisted up inside...I don't know what to think.

It may suck now, but it'll get better. It sounds like you dodged a real bullet there, what with her thinking everything would magically resolve after the wedding. It's better to have everything sorted before you sign the dotted line; divorce court is a rigged game.

 

[Chip NoVaMac]

I feel horrible about the way things turned out. We have tried to talk about our issues time and time again in the past few weeks. I either was incapable of properly expressing myself to her or she didn't want to hear what I had to say. Her standard response was well, all of this will be fine and work itself out after we get married. I was always bothered with this response because I don't think simply getting married solves any problems that might exist between couples, no matter what...you know? As it approached I had more and more physical reactions to what was going on. I finally decided that I couldn't get married and hope it worked itself out. And for the person that asked, I do love her, and I was violently in love with her, but my guts are so twisted up inside...I don't know what to think.

I think I understand. My "ex-fiance" thought that we should be on "equal" footing". Her having a Masters degree with a job offer in Duchess County NY - and me being a "retail" store manager seeking a "job" at Danbury Fair Mall!.

I truly understand IMO of where your thoughts are. My ex and I had that moment on a camping trip. She clearly in my mind stated that she felt that our incomes should be equal! This was an issue since she has a Masters Degree, and a very nice job offer with Duchess County.

 

[Chip NoVaMac]

It may suck now, but it'll get better. It sounds like you dodged a real bullet there, what with her thinking everything would magically resolve after the wedding. It's better to have everything sorted before you sign the dotted line; divorce court is a rigged game.

You may hit on the true point here.


There were were real issues to be addressed. Neither party were were willing to address them - until too late.

Yoda should be applauded for his choice in this matter, otherwise we might face other threads in the future,

My heart aches. But I only wish for the best in the future.

 

[Boggle]

... I don't think simply getting married solves any problems that might exist between couples, no matter what...you know? As it approached I had more and more physical reactions to what was going on. I finally decided that I couldn't get married and hope it worked itself out. And for the person that asked, I do love her, and I was violently in love with her, but my guts are so twisted up inside...I don't know what to think.

Well, I don't doubt your feelings for her. It took tremedous courage to admit your feelings and opinions in that situation. I believe that you acted with the best of intentions to prevent greater hurt. You should take solace in those intentions. Self-doubt is totally natural in this debacle. If you didn't feel conflicted you could never have realized that the marriage wasn't a good idea. It can't feel good to have been in this position & not everyone would have been able to act on those serious (and real) doubts b/c of the pressures of the engagement. It may not have been a nice thing to have to do, but it was a kindness.

For the little it is worth, now you know that when the it really counts you won't take the easy way out just to save the hassle of the consequences.

 

[yoda13]

Thank you for all the kind responses. It has been a difficult day and i need to try to get some sleep. Tomorrow is a new day with what I hope brings more positive outcomes. I still think I made the only choice I could given the situation. Thanks again for the words of support!

 

[GoCubsGo]

That sucks...for her. It is beyond me why it takes standing up there while she finishes getting ready for you to finally realize it was wrong. If you knew soemthing was off for weeks, then I think even the day before would have been better.

But alas, I feel sorry for her...and you. I hope that she finds someone who will love her the way she wants to be loved and I hope you find someone you can love the way you want to love. In time you'll marry someone else, she'll marry someone else, you'll have your regrets and she'll always be guarded.

Best of luck to you, I'd seek professional help though, it's going to be a long tough road where you'll hate yourself for a very long time.

It is awesome that you stopped it before though. Divorce probably sucks a lot. You made the right decision, I just think your timing sucked.

 

[solvs]

Having broken up with a woman I was madly deeply in love with, and still am despite not wanting to be with her anymore, I think I can kinda understand how you feel. I wish love was always enough, but sometimes it really isn't. Eventually you're either going to regret this, or be relieved. Probably a little of both. As long as it wasn't just cold feet, which it sounds like it isn't, you probably made the right decision. But it's still going to hurt like Hell.

At least you feel bad, which proves you probably aren't a selfish jerk, so I'm sure you had your reasons, and they're vaild.

Edit: agreed that your timing is bad. Hopefully you can talk to each other about this. But be prepared to lose her forever, because I'm sure you have. Though I'm sure it's for the best.

 

[yoda13]

Well, we have been on the phone most of the day, and she wants to correct the things that were wrong and wants me back. Man, I am really torn up inside...

 

[stubeeef]

Don't want to imagine the mental and physical anguish you are in. Good luck and follow your path. When it is right you will go in running hoping she will be at the alter! Otherwise, what's the hurry? Kinda like, no deal is better than a bad deal. But a few thousand magnitudes more intense.

Good Luck!

 

[pseudobrit]

Well, we have been on the phone most of the day, and she wants to correct the things that were wrong and wants me back. Man, I am really torn up inside...

Be very careful. She's probably a wreck and you're likely not in the best of shape either. A good idea would be to take some time out to clear your heads and think logically about the situation. Any critical decisions made now will be tainted by emotion.

 

[iMetroid]

That sucks, man. It's good that you called it off. This would change your entire life. If it didn't feel right, then the best thing to do is end it.

 

[yoda13]

Be very careful. She's probably a wreck and you're likely not in the best of shape either. A good idea would be to take some time out to clear your heads and think logically about the situation. Any critical decisions made now will be tainted by emotion.

yes, that is outstanding advice, and advice I am trying to adere to as stringently as I can, yet it is not easy. Her family thinks she is crazy, and I am worried too. I mean, if I were her, I would still be strike me down dead angry at the way things happened between us. She isn't pleased of course, but it is clear that she wants back in and is willing to change things...

I always was the angrier more volatile one of us...but still....