In case anyone else out there had the same crazy idea that I did and wanted to hook up one 27" 5k LG Ultrafine and one 24" 4k LG Ultrafine to a 2016 Touchbar MBP 13", the amazing answer is, it works! I went to an Apple store and there was a 13" tbMBP hooked up to a 24" Ultrafine and a Mac Mini hooked up to a 5k Ultrafine next to it, so I conned an employee into taking a $50 Belkin Thunderbolt 3 cable out of the box (she first tried a USB-C cable and of course it didn't work ... ugh) and plugged it into one of the ports on the tbMBP, and hallelujah, it worked! I was able to drag windows amongst all 3 screens and didn't notice any graphical glitches of any sort.
Accidentally posted to the Macbook forum first here
Accidentally posted to the Macbook forum first here