Unfortunate how being nice/easygoing makes you a target...

[lowfreq]

Sitting here thinking on some interactions I've had recently with a couple of people where I had to push back somewhat and they ended up getting angry/hurt.

It's made me realize that a lot of that may have been because I have what can be viewed as having an overly easygoing/nice guy persona on the outside thats made me a " target " for stronger willed personality types that are close to me either as family members or as a result of a relationship of some type.

When pushed or pressed that goes easygoingness goes away, but the problem is it takes a lot of pushing for that to happen.

It's unfortunate as it leaves me feeling in some cases that I was in the wrong when things go south.

Perfect example is the following. I was on the phone with an older relative and I was pretty stuffy/congested. In part due to allergies but I had also just gotten up from lying down which didn't help things. The older relative starts in on complaint about my sniffling on the phone and I explained I really can't help it, and this person goes onto explain thats not acceptable behavior..my reply was basically thats not the conversation I want to have with him...next thing I know he hangs up...

There are other examples similar to this where I let strong willed personality types get close to me and where I displayed nothing but an easy-going persona for a long time, than I'd eventually get tired of their crap and would push back and that would lead to some type of confrontation.

It's nuts and there are plenty of people that I do get along with so it's not a case of me being a problem 100% of the time, it always seems to involve these stranger willed people that I guess have viewed me as either easy pray or a target of some type for them.

 

[ArchEtech]

If you’re spending this much time thinking about it, most likely you’re not the bigger A hole most of the time, which is what I think you’re contemplating.

I would say you’re spending too much time thinking about it. Life is too short.

 

[eyoungren]

Sitting here thinking on some interactions I've had recently with a couple of people where I had to push back somewhat and they ended up getting angry/hurt.

It's made me realize that a lot of that may have been because I have what can be viewed as having an overly easygoing/nice guy persona on the outside thats made me a " target " for stronger willed personality types that are close to me either as family members or as a result of a relationship of some type.

When pushed or pressed that goes easygoingness goes away, but the problem is it takes a lot of pushing for that to happen.

It's unfortunate as it leaves me feeling in some cases that I was in the wrong when things go south.

Perfect example is the following. I was on the phone with an older relative and I was pretty stuffy/congested. In part due to allergies but I had also just gotten up from lying down which didn't help things. The older relative starts in on complaint about my sniffling on the phone and I explained I really can't help it, and this person goes onto explain thats not acceptable behavior..my reply was basically thats not the conversation I want to have with him...next thing I know he hangs up...

There are other examples similar to this where I let strong willed personality types get close to me and where I displayed nothing but an easy-going persona for a long time, than I'd eventually get tired of their crap and would push back and that would lead to some type of confrontation.

It's nuts and there are plenty of people that I do get along with so it's not a case of me being a problem 100% of the time, it always seems to involve these stranger willed people that I guess have viewed me as either easy pray or a target of some type for them.

Set your boundaries. Everyone is entitled to respect and if your boundaries are not respected then push back.

My wife has a saying, "Do not mistake my kindness for weakness." Also, the wallpaper on her phone's screen shows a Rottweiler with a cupcake on its head. My wife explains to people that you can either have the cupcake or the Rottweiler. It all just depends on how you approach her. She suggests taking the cupcake.

Finally, stop beating yourself up. You aren't the problem. If other people have issues with your boundaries, that's on them. It's not your problem, it's theirs.

 

[Warped9]

If someone is berating you over something you have no control over then you’re not the problem.

And there are a lot of people who don’t respect bounderies.

 

[eyoungren]

And there are a lot of people who don’t respect bounderies.

Which should not make one feel guilt or shame when those boundaries are crossed. And those crossing the boundaries are deserving of the consequences they incur.

 

[lowendlinux]

My only comment is..you get used to it whether setting boundaries with your family and friends or telling coworkers how and when they're going to do things.

 

[Apple_Robert]

The fact that you have been mulling over the phone incident shows you have been spending too much time trying to rationalize bad behavior from someone else. Let that relative know he or she was out of line. If that person doesn’t accept responsibility, leave them be and move on. The same goes for anyone else that openly disrespects you as a person. Leave the bad baggage with bad action people. You shouldn’t try and carry it around. That is unhealthy.

 

[drdudj]

$#it Happens !

 

[eyoungren]

$#it Happens !

It does.

However, when '$#it Happens' repeatedly, on purpose and with malicious intent to harm, that's a little different isn't it?

 

[maflynn]

I learned a while ago, that "No" is a perfectly acceptable response. Don't be afraid to push back and just say no. I tell my kids this, don't be forced into a situation, just walk away.

Easier said then done, to be sure, but people need to consider their needs and not worry about offending or upsetting other people. I'm not saying its ok to be a jerk, but rather, not be a door mat

 

[Apple fanboy]

If people are being rude, just walk away. Doesn’t matter if they are friends or family. If the relationship isn’t a healthy one for you then just give them some time or space.
I guarantee THEY are not sitting there worrying about how they spoke to you.

 

[ponzicoinbro]

The less you see of family the more fond you will be to each other.

It’s not good for family to stare at each other’s **** on social media and all that.

Your space has to be your space.

You all have to kindly agree over dinner that your online stuff needs to be separate.

Then you can agree with friends to do the same. Keep time with people high quality And not excessive.

 

[ritmomundo]

Sorry to hear you feel victimized by stronger personalities. Sure, we live in a world where they will dominate. It's just how it is. But just know that niceness does not equal weakness (nor the opposite). You can be nice and still stand up for yourself.

But do try to be understanding as well. Most people are not out to hurt you. Try to see things from the other person's perspective. It'll help you figure out if you did something wrong or if they did. Why would your relative hang up on you? Did you push him to the point where he had to say "no"? Not to play the devil's advocate here, but I've been on the receiving end of loud noises directly into a phone and it can be very irritating. And you say when pushed too far, your easygoingness goes away. Think about how you respond when this happens. How does your temper and voice change? Some people push back calmly, and others can go from 0-60 on the flip of a coin.

 

[compwiz1202]

Sorry to hear you feel victimized by stronger personalities. Sure, we live in a world where they will dominate. It's just how it is. But just know that niceness does not equal weakness (nor the opposite). You can be nice and still stand up for yourself.

But do try to be understanding as well. Most people are not out to hurt you. Try to see things from the other person's perspective. It'll help you figure out if you did something wrong or if they did. Why would your relative hang up on you? Did you push him to the point where he had to say "no"? Not to play the devil's advocate here, but I've been on the receiving end of loud noises directly into a phone and it can be very irritating. And you say when pushed too far, your easygoingness goes away. Think about how you respond when this happens. How does your temper and voice change? Some people push back calmly, and others can go from 0-60 on the flip of a coin.

The caller hung up because he couldn't control OP anymore, And it isn't 0-60. OP probably told him at least a dozen times nicely but the caller kept pushing.

 

[Huntn]

Sitting here thinking on some interactions I've had recently with a couple of people where I had to push back somewhat and they ended up getting angry/hurt.

It's made me realize that a lot of that may have been because I have what can be viewed as having an overly easygoing/nice guy persona on the outside thats made me a " target " for stronger willed personality types that are close to me either as family members or as a result of a relationship of some type.

When pushed or pressed that goes easygoingness goes away, but the problem is it takes a lot of pushing for that to happen.

It's unfortunate as it leaves me feeling in some cases that I was in the wrong when things go south.

Perfect example is the following. I was on the phone with an older relative and I was pretty stuffy/congested. In part due to allergies but I had also just gotten up from lying down which didn't help things. The older relative starts in on complaint about my sniffling on the phone and I explained I really can't help it, and this person goes onto explain thats not acceptable behavior..my reply was basically thats not the conversation I want to have with him...next thing I know he hangs up...

There are other examples similar to this where I let strong willed personality types get close to me and where I displayed nothing but an easy-going persona for a long time, than I'd eventually get tired of their crap and would push back and that would lead to some type of confrontation.

It's nuts and there are plenty of people that I do get along with so it's not a case of me being a problem 100% of the time, it always seems to involve these stranger willed people that I guess have viewed me as either easy pray or a target of some type for them.

Being friendly and easy going is a plus, along with not letting yourself be pushed around. Everyone has a line that when crossed against them triggers a new set of responses that hopefully are reasonable but forceful enough to defend yourself and make your position understood.

If someone hangs up on you while you are suffering an allergy, that’s their problem. As you described it, they sound intolerant. You can take that into consideration the next time you talk to them, but don’t have to be an ass too.

 

[satcomer]

I found young Women prefer the so-called bad guys! women over the ages then want a rich younger guy or have the potential to be rich in his older year! This is dirty secret to life especially in screwed up dating market and now even young Women are shying away from dating apps! Time to go back to clubs and a little old fashion face to face action again!

 

[Mousse]

I found young Women prefer the so-called bad guys! women over the ages then want a rich younger guy or have the potential to be rich in his older year! This is dirty secret to life especially in screwed up dating market and now even young Women are shying away from dating apps! Time to go back to clubs and a little old fashion face to face action again!

Not my experience. I'm a poor, old guy😁 with a very attractive wife with great cooking skills.* I find women have stopped being doormats and settling for Mr. Meh, You'll Do.

When I was young, I was the prototypical Nice Guy (ie victim complex). Couldn't get a second date despite my pretty boy good looks. When I hit my 30's, I mellowed out with the sour grapes and woe is me attitude. That was when I started treating women--even the unattractive ones--with respect. That caused a seismic shift in romatic life. Women started throwing their panties [figuratively] at me as if I were Tom Jones.

Anyhow, back on topic. For your mental health, it's best to cut toxic people out of your life, even if they're family. Folks who take advantage of your kindness needs to go. My life improved dramatically after cutting of relations with my lazy and selfish cousins and aunts.

*Grandpa's advice when I was dating. He's tell me, "Looks fade, personalities changes. But a good cook only gets better with age."

 

[eyoungren]

I found young Women prefer the so-called bad guys! women over the ages then want a rich younger guy or have the potential to be rich in his older year! This is dirty secret to life especially in screwed up dating market and now even young Women are shying away from dating apps! Time to go back to clubs and a little old fashion face to face action again!

If that's what you're in this for, then sure I guess.

I was always looking for the long run, not someone who's biggest interest was herself. She won't be there when you're old, because you'll be old.

My wife and I will have been together for 25 years in November.

 

[satcomer]

Not my experience. I'm a poor, old guy😁 with a very attractive wife with great cooking skills.* I find women have stopped being doormats and settling for Mr. Meh, You'll Do.

When I was young, I was the prototypical Nice Guy (ie victim complex). Couldn't get a second date despite my pretty boy good looks. When I hit my 30's, I mellowed out with the sour grapes and woe is me attitude. That was when I started treating women--even the unattractive ones--with respect. That caused a seismic shift in romatic life. Women started throwing their panties [figuratively] at me as if I were Tom Jones.

Anyhow, back on topic. For your mental health, it's best to cut toung Men and Women need to dr=op their smart phones and talk with each other! xic people out of your life, even if they're family. Folks who take advantage of your kindness needs to go. My life improved dramatically after cutting of relations with my lazy and selfish cousins and aunts.

*Grandpa's advice when I was dating. He's tell me, "Looks fade, personalities changes. But a good cook only gets better with age."

I feel that's IS the problem today! Old ways are long gone and in Gig Economy where colleges are out of time and not teaching ll kids how to succeed in this new economy! Beside the worst thing again were the dating apps! I'm a firm believer that young kids need to drop their smart phones and talk to each other again and they might start to like face to face to know people!

 

[AlaskaMoose]

I found young Women prefer the so-called bad guys! women over the ages then want a rich younger guy or have the potential to be rich in his older year! This is dirty secret to life especially in screwed up dating market and now even young Women are shying away from dating apps! Time to go back to clubs and a little old fashion face to face action again!

Maybe it isn't necessarily bad guys, but guys who aren't insecure and wimpy. Maybe these days things are different, but I have always found that the eyes are an excellent way to communicate with others in a friendly, or hostile way as well. I am a very old guy now, short, somewhat round, married to a beautiful woman for over 40 years, and I can still make my wife blush, or smile, or agree about something when looking at (or is that through?) her eyes. The eyes are one of the most important factors in communicating the things I am writing in the last paragraph (below).
.
About the OP, he may be self conscious about something that others can sense? We often go about providing personal feedback to those around us. Sometimes one sees oneself as being the good guy, and the other as the bad guy. The words we say and the things we do can be interpreted as being hostile, or friendly, or polite, loving, respectful, and so on.

 

[compwiz1202]

I feel that's IS the problem today! Old ways are long gone and in Gig Economy where colleges are out of time and not teaching ll kids how to succeed in this new economy! Beside the worst thing again were the dating apps! I'm a firm believer that young kids need to drop their smart phones and talk to each other again and they might start to like face to face to know people!

Agree apps are near useless unless you are top tier on looks. And then the articles say go here or here but no one is there. Like they said SBux, but I was the only one that stayed. Everyone else ran in and out grabbing their to go orders. In the end it was a common friend from HS that made it happen