from talking to apple support and reading through this thread, what worked for me was:
going into settings, general, login items, and turning off my vpn there. then rebooting into safe mode. in safe mode the apple id pane worked fine and i was able to turn off iCloud private relay. then rebooted like normal and turned back on the vpn in login items and all worked well.
so private relay is the issue, didn't need to install vpn. hopefully its a bug that gets fixed rather than a choice.
going into settings, general, login items, and turning off my vpn there. then rebooting into safe mode. in safe mode the apple id pane worked fine and i was able to turn off iCloud private relay. then rebooted like normal and turned back on the vpn in login items and all worked well.
so private relay is the issue, didn't need to install vpn. hopefully its a bug that gets fixed rather than a choice.