1. Call your PC loving friends and boast. They won't mind. Really.
2. Start flamewars with total strangers.
3. Count how many seconds it takes for your girlfriend to get fingerprints on your immaculate new screen. As soon as she leaves the room, discreetly access porn.
4. Repeat steps 1 and 2, only be meaner and more aggressive about it.
5. Say nothing to your girlfriend about step 3. This will only lead to an argument (and yes, I'm sure she smudged your screen deliberately). Use the MBP to help you find a new girlfriend, if absolutely necessary.
6. Now you're ready to trade insults with Android people. This does not require ownership of an iPhone. You're now in the Apple camp; act accordingly.