While the OP was referring to an iMac (with a tongue-in-cheek tone too), the fact of the matter is my 3-year-old 17" MBP runs rings around anything Apple is putting out now, which aludes to his gripes.
I can do more with it, and that is the point:
1. More screen real estate
2. Way, way more storage. Up to 3TB so far, limited only by HD manufacturers
3. RAID. Internal backup; indispensable for field work, or speed, should I need it instead.
4. Put in my choice of drive: optical, SSD, or HDD from many vendors
5. Replace/upgrade its RAM without having to rely on a single vendor
6. Connect to any network without paying for or having to carry a dongle
7. Expand the computer should I need to connect to future/legacy environments and peripherals, such as music studios with FireWire (still a LOT out there) and fast E-SATA, SCSI, VGA, PCI, etc.
Simply put, it's a better machine, and also a better value. A real, PRO, workhorse of a computer that I can take ANYWHERE. Who cares if it weighs 1(!) pound more and is 1/8th of an inch thicker than the current models. It's as thin as it can be while giving its owner a LOT of power and (more importantly) flexibility.
The fact that Apple's new products CANNOT do the above makes them inferior. Period. The reasons why Apple removed the capabilities are irrelevant. They did not improve the product. They crippled it in the interest of aesthetics.
What the hell are you smoking? Let's address these points one at a time:
1. More screen real estate. Your 17" MBP has a 1920x1200 screen. The 27" iMac has a 2560x1440 screen, so you fail with point 1. If you want to keep to laptops only, the 15" retina has a 2880x1800 screen that you can run at that native resolution if you like - you're not limited to running it at "best for retina" resolution.
Result: Fail for you.
2. Way, way more storage. Up to 3TB so far, limited only by HD manufacturers.
Do you mean internally? The iMac has a SATA port, as well as the blade connector. Any storage you can put in your 17" is easily matched by the iMac. For laptops, you are limited to external expansion. However, since you said (quote) "runs rings around
anything (emphasis yours), then the iMac is fair game.
Result: Fail for you.
3. RAID. Internal backup; indispensable for field work, or speed, should I need it instead.
You can run a RAID setup on any iMac, although your description of RAID as "internal backup" is puzzling. RAID is not a backup solution. Either way, you can do it externally if it's "indispensable".
Result: Fail for you.
4. Put in my choice of drive: optical, SSD, or HDD from many vendors
You can do this on the iMac (except for the optical drive - which you can have externally). The iMac has a SATA port.
Result: Fail for you, except for the optical drive.
5. Replace/upgrade its RAM without having to rely on a single vendor
The iMac accepts RAM from multiple different vendors.
Result: Fail for you.
6. Connect to
any network without paying for or having to carry a dongle
Your 17" MBP can connect to a fibre channel network without a dongle? Was that a BTO option?
Result: fail for you.
7. Expand the computer should I need to connect to future/legacy environments and peripherals, such as music studios with FireWire (still a LOT out there) and fast E-SATA, SCSI, VGA, PCI, etc.
The iMac and rMBP can do all of these things with thunderbolt. Connect a thunderbolt PCIe chassis, or a TB dock, or an eSATA adapter, or a firewire adapter, or a VGA adapter. I thought you were giving a list of things that the current Apple products couldn't do? It might help if you left of things like VGA that any Mac with a graphics card (hint: all of them) supports natively.
Result: Fail for you.
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Now, we'll address the "running rings around
anything (emphasis yours) Apple is putting out now".
So, how does the 17" MBP you have stack up against the 27" iMac with the 780M GPU in gaming tasks (or any heavy lift GPGPU task)? Would you characterise the Radeon 6770M as "running rings around" the 780M?
What about the Sandy Bridge quad CPU. How does that stack up against the Haswell chips in the current generation. It will be closer than the laughably wide gulf between the GPUs, but again, would you characterise the Sandy Bridge chip in the 17" as "running rings around" any i7 in the Haswell generation?
Now battery life. The iMac has no battery, so you win there. The 17" MBP definitely has better battery life than the modern iMac. In fact, I'll go so far as to say it has 100% better performance than the iMac when neither are plugged into the wall.
It's a bit closer when we consider laptops though - how does the battery life stack up against any of the retina MBPs? Would you say it "runs rings around" the battery life figures of the current generation?
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So, in conclusion, your entire post seems to be one big bundle of fail.
But keep on believing that your 17" MBP "runs rings around
anything (emphasis yours) Apple is putting out".