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IJ Reilly

macrumors P6
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Jul 16, 2002
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Palookaville
No, not a joke -- but an opportunity to be thankful for the easily overlooked mercies which make our modern, urban lives possible. Some things which are basic to us, remain unavailable to billions of others.

On World Toilet Day, we should all be plumb grateful to be bestowed with a loo -- many in the world aren't as lucky.

By Margaret Wertheim

November 19, 2008

Today is World Toilet Day. You might chuckle or blush, but it's worth taking a moment to acknowledge what the humble loo has done for us.

Though the word "toilet" is often considered declasse and even rude to utter aloud, much of modern life would not be possible without the commode. Ask yourself this: If you had to live without toilets or electricity, which would you choose?

If you opted for electricity, you might consider the plight of Londoners during the summer of 1858, when the city experienced what historians know as the Big Stink.

As a thriving metropolis at the peak of an empire, London teemed with vitality. But all those productive citizens had to poop, and all that excrement had to go somewhere.

Where it went, generally, was into chamber pots and thence into the streets or one of the city's 200,000 backyard cesspits, which overflowed into basements, neighbors' yards and nearby streets. Most of it ended up in the River Thames as undiluted, putrid muck. The problem was perennial, but the summer of 1858 was unusually hot, causing bacteria in the pits and river to multiply. The stench was so appalling the House of Commons was overpowered. Parliamentarians soaked the curtains in chloride of lime to combat the smell and considered moving their business upriver to Hampton Court. Anyone who could leave town did.

The experience galvanized the Metropolitan Board of Works, which set about reforming the city's sanitation infrastructure. The next year, the major elements of the London sewerage system were under construction, which in turn necessitated the evolution of the flush toilet. Though the first modern toilet is said to have been built for Elizabeth I, true flushable loos are an invention of the late 19th century.

From the Middle Ages on, most large cities were drowning in excrement, making urban spaces not just stinky but downright dangerous. In the London cholera epidemic of 1844 to 1855, 20,000 people died because of commingling of sewage and drinking water. New York City began comprehensively building sewers in 1849, after its own series of deadly cholera outbreaks.

Toilets became a key factor in metropolitan growth both laterally and vertically. In order to build up, you have to be able to flush down. (Imagine carrying a chamber pot down the 102 stories of the Empire State Building.)

The average person goes to the toilet between six and eight times a day. Of the 69 gallons of water Americans use per person per day indoors, 27% (18.5 gallons) goes to flushing -- more than on showering or laundry or any other single activity, says the American Water Works Assn.

So central are flush toilets to our lives that we easily forget how many people do without them, or any other kind of effective sanitation either. Nobody seems to keep toilet statistics per se, but the World Health Organization and UNICEF monitor access to what is called "improved sanitation" -- which they reckon 2.5 billion people live without.

Contrary to what the term appears to imply, "it doesn't mean anything indoors and it doesn't mean water. It certainly doesn't mean flushable toilets," says Patricia Dandonoli, the president of WaterAID America, an organization that works to provide sanitation in developing countries. It does mean a private, covered pit latrine -- which Dandonoli stresses is "several steps up the sanitation ladder" from open defecation.

In cities like Nairobi, many residents have no option but to use what is known as the "flying toilet." They defecate in a plastic bag that they throw onto the roadside. Others may only have access to the woods or open fields. In slums and shantytowns in South Asia and South America, millions of people rely on "hanging latrines," an open platform with a hole in the middle built precariously on poles over a river or stream.

Women are especially vulnerable when there are no sanitation facilities. Modesty may keep them from going until night, when they are vulnerable to attack. In developing countries, 11% more girls go to school when sanitation is available.

Diseases such as diarrhea and dysentery -- caused by food and water contaminated with excrement -- are the second-biggest killer of children worldwide, causing 5,000 deaths a day, five times the number dying from HIV/AIDS. (The No. 1 killer is pneumonia and upper-respiratory infections.)

The costs of not having sanitation are enormous. According to the U.N. Development Program, countries in sub-Saharan Africa lose 5% of their total GDP because of illness and death caused by poor sanitation and water. The United Nations estimates that every $1 spent on sanitation saves at least $9 in accumulated health costs, lost productivity and delayed economic development.

One of the U.N.'s Millennium Development Goals, set in 2000, was to halve the proportion of people living without "basic sanitation" by 2015. We are nowhere near to making good on that promise, Dandonoli says. It would require spending about $10 billion a year for a decade to get covered pit latrines to just 50% of those who need them. That's less than what Americans spend on bottled drinking water, which, according to the Beverage Marketing Assn., is running at more than $12 billion annually.

Today, on World Toilet Day, I propose that all of us give one loud grateful flush for the porcelain throne. Followed by one hour of not flushing in silent solidarity with those who don't have the privilege of pooping safely in private.

Margaret Wertheim is a science writer who has consulted for WaterAID America on public outreach.

http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/la-oe-wertheim19-2008nov19,0,1443046.story
 
A little porcelain poetry?

How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
 
In honor of the toilet....
 

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Last time I went to a public toilet the guy next door was taking a phone call. There's just no respect any more!
 
Like that scene from Young Frankenstein:

Igor: "What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't get out of there and give someone else a chance?!"
 
I love the toilet. Can't get enough of it today. Preparing for a colonoscopy tomorrow, cleansing with laxitives and all ... Oops, gotta run.
 
Wirelessly posted (iPhone: Mozilla/5.0 (iPhone; U; CPU iPhone OS 2_1 like Mac OS X; en-us) AppleWebKit/525.18.1 (KHTML, like Gecko) Version/3.1.1 Mobile/5F136 Safari/525.20)

themoonisdown09 said:
A little porcelain poetry? ...

That just made my day!

Mine too!
Is there a definition for pooping your pants for laughing so hard?
 
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