World Toilet Day: Ode to the commode

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by IJ Reilly, Nov 19, 2008.

  1. IJ Reilly macrumors P6

    IJ Reilly

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2002
    Location:
    Palookaville
    #1
    No, not a joke -- but an opportunity to be thankful for the easily overlooked mercies which make our modern, urban lives possible. Some things which are basic to us, remain unavailable to billions of others.

    http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/la-oe-wertheim19-2008nov19,0,1443046.story
     
  2. rdowns macrumors Penryn

    rdowns

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2003
    #2
    A little porcelain poetry?

    How to Poop at Work

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

    ESCAPEE
    Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
    Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH
    Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME
    Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
    Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
    Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS
    Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR
    Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH
    Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE
    Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON
    Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET
    Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

    UNCLE TED
    Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

    FLY BY
    Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
     
  3. themoonisdown09 macrumors 601

    themoonisdown09

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2007
    Location:
    Georgia, USA
    #3
    That just made my day!
     
  4. Melrose macrumors 604

    Melrose

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2007
    #4
    I haven't laughed so hard in a while. :D :D
     
  5. rdowns macrumors Penryn

    rdowns

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2003
    #5
    Then you definitely don't want to read this.
     
  6. mknawabi macrumors 6502

    mknawabi

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2006
    Location:
    Irvine, CA
  7. ucfgrad93 macrumors P6

    ucfgrad93

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2007
    Location:
    Colorado
    #7
    In honor of the toilet....
     

    Attached Files:

  8. leishan macrumors 6502

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2005
    #8
    Let's all have a moment of silence to honor the toilet...:D
     
  9. Abstract macrumors Penryn

    Abstract

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2002
    Location:
    Location Location Location
    #9
    "Haha, remember that time when I went to the toilet, sat down and.........awww, those were good times."


    I'm rarely quiet around a toilet, although my ass does most of the talking.
     
  10. Gadgets Man macrumors newbie

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2008
    #10
    Last time I went to a public toilet the guy next door was taking a phone call. There's just no respect any more!
     
  11. Melrose macrumors 604

    Melrose

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2007
    #11
    Like that scene from Young Frankenstein:

    Igor: "What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't get out of there and give someone else a chance?!"
     
  12. mgguy macrumors 6502

    mgguy

    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2006
    #12
    I love the toilet. Can't get enough of it today. Preparing for a colonoscopy tomorrow, cleansing with laxitives and all ... Oops, gotta run.
     
  13. IJ Reilly thread starter macrumors P6

    IJ Reilly

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2002
    Location:
    Palookaville
    #13
    So to speak?
     
  14. MacNut macrumors Core

    MacNut

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2002
    Location:
    CT
  15. andreab35 macrumors 6502a

    andreab35

    Joined:
    May 29, 2008
    Location:
    USA
    #15
    Wirelessly posted (iPhone: Mozilla/5.0 (iPhone; U; CPU iPhone OS 2_1 like Mac OS X; en-us) AppleWebKit/525.18.1 (KHTML, like Gecko) Version/3.1.1 Mobile/5F136 Safari/525.20)

    Mine too!
    Is there a definition for pooping your pants for laughing so hard?
     

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