Writing a Poem

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by fireshot91, Feb 18, 2009.

  1. fireshot91 macrumors 601

    fireshot91

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2008
    Location:
    Northern VA
    #1
    Our new unit in English is Poetry, and my homework is to write a poem. I chose to do it on computers (Bring out my inner nerd :p).

    Its supposed to resemble the format of one of Langston Hughes' poems.

    I'll write the Langston Hughes' poem:

    THE NEGRO SPEAKS OF RIVERS
    By: Langston Hughes

    "I've known rivers:
    I've known rivers ancient as the world and older than the
    flow of human veins.
    My soul has grown deep like the rivers.
    I bathed in the Euphrates when dawns were young.
    I built my hut near the Congo and it lulled me to sleep.
    I looked upon the Nile and Raised the pyramids above it.
    I heard the singing of the Mississippi when Abe Lincoln went
    down to New Orleans, and I've seen its muddy bosom turn
    all golden in the sunset.
    I've known rivers:
    Ancient, dusky rivers.
    My soul has grown deep like the rivers."


    It has to be in the "I've known" format.

    Here's mine:
    I've known computers:
    I've known computers as loud as a rock concert and as silent as a (Can't think of anything that goes here, can somebody suggest something?)
    I've felt the cool black case holding within it all the components.
    I've seen the green rocky motherboard resting within its own warmth.
    I've heard the silent humming of the processor fan.
    I've seen silver mountain that holds together hard drives.
    I've felt the draft of the loud cooling system.
    I've known computers:
    Old, dusty computers.


    How'd you like it?
     
  2. chilipie macrumors 6502a

    chilipie

    Joined:
    May 8, 2006
    Location:
    Englandshire
  3. fireshot91 thread starter macrumors 601

    fireshot91

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2008
    Location:
    Northern VA
    #3
    Ah, lol. I forgot to put in (Can't think of anything that goes here)
     
  4. fireshot91 thread starter macrumors 601

    fireshot91

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2008
    Location:
    Northern VA
  5. SkyBell macrumors 604

    SkyBell

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2006
    Location:
    Texas, unfortunately.
    #5
    "Mouse" is the old standby for anything quiet. ;) I'd pick something like an empty forest though.
     
  6. fireshot91 thread starter macrumors 601

    fireshot91

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2008
    Location:
    Northern VA
    #6
    Yes, thank you for your suggestion. I will definitely put that in there.
    How does everybody think of the poem?
     
  7. c-Row macrumors 65816

    c-Row

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2006
    Location:
    Germany
    #7
    But if the forest is empty and no one's there, how do we know that it's really quiet?

    :eek:
     
  8. EricNau Moderator emeritus

    EricNau

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2005
    Location:
    San Francisco, CA
    #8
    Try editing the syntax to improve word flow.

    For example, instead of "I've felt the cool black case holding within it all the components," try "I've felt the cool black case holding the components within."

    Try various beginnings. Look at the example provided by Hughes: virtually none of his lines begin with "I've." Also, it wouldn't hurt to use more descriptive verbs: handled instead of felt, or examined instead of seen. Try not to use the same verb twice.

    The line: "I've seen silver mountain that holds together hard drives" is missing a word.

    Finally, it needs an ending. Again, look at Hughes' example.

    Good luck. :)
     
  9. wvuwhat macrumors 65816

    wvuwhat

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2007
  10. ghoztman macrumors regular

    Joined:
    May 23, 2008
    Location:
    Switzerland
    #10
    I've kn0wn c0mputers
    I've kn0wn c0mputers as 01d as the difference engine
    01der than the f10w 0f 1s and 0s thr0ugh 10gic gates;
    f1ip f10p, t0 be 0r n0t t0 be?
    I've sai1ed the g01den rivers 0f circuits
    marve11ed at the green p1ains rich in their p1antati0ns 0f capacit0rs
    I've heard the s0ng 0f the fans,
    keeping c001 my fragi1e si1ic0n heart
    I've fe1t their warm breeze up0n my c0mp0nents
    my path 1it by the m00n g10w 0f 1EDs
    my senses t0uched by the c0ns01
    my th0ughts painted t0 a screen
    I've kn0wn c0mputers.
    My mind quickened by the same re1ent1ess c10ck
    Unti1 I am 1eft a10ne t0 s1eep
     

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