Update - was in the Apple store for 3 hours yesterday and they basically told me I was **** out of luck unless I just returned the phone. They couldn’t give me a replacement any time soon, even though they agreed it looked to be a manufacturer defect.
This morning I called Verizon and told them my situation. They’re sending me a brand new phone in a few weeks and they’ll send me a return kit so I can send this one back when I receive the new one.